Dear blkhwkdwn1:

“well we talked for 19 minutes”- your talks with her are so important to you that you know exactly how long they lasted.  You told her that you will not try to “take a break or ending things and especially over text”.

She told you “thanks I don’t blame you”- this is why I like her, she’s always been kind, not accusing you of anything, not blaming you for anything, but instead letting you know that she is not angry with you, that she understands you, that it’s not your fault. She wants you to feel good.

You know that there are a lot of people that don’t care about how another person feels, let alone wanting another person to feel good!

You asked her how she is dealing with the virus, and she told you something like “not dealing with it well.. having problems with everything now and also this virus.. stressed about lots of things”- this is why I like her, she is honest about how she feels, she doesn’t put on a happy face when she is sad (or a sad face so to manipulate another person). She is not doing well and she tells you just that.

You told her “thanks for being the best thing to happen to me in my life”- you were honest with her about that, excellent!

You told her how much you appreciate her, she said “awe” and “you have such good words”, you made her feel better.

Then she told you that she won’t be seeing her boyfriend for 26 days or so, and that “they don’t talk much since he’s always at work”, etc. and that made you feel good, I bet.

You then offered to have your father drive her t her daughter’s at the end of the month, and “if she needs anything at all t give me a shout and I can get her groceries.. since you’re off work for a while call me if you really need to talk about anything”.

You wrote in a separate post regarding the pandemic (did I understand correctly- you are working in a hospital, helping with patients???) : “it IS mostly fear though but I just stay calm and smile at everyone. Fear is causing people to panic but stupidity is causing people to not respect the real dangers we face”- well said.

But notice that it is fear that is causing you to hide some of your feeling from her, this precious woman that this thread is about. You don’t have to pretend to be okay with her having a boyfriend, for example. I don’t mean that you should give her a hard time for having a boyfriend, but no need to tell her that you wish them both well, and that he makes her happy (things you said to her in the past), because this is not true to  how you feel! Be more like her and tell her the truth, or at least, don’t tell her what is clearly not the truth.

Let’s say in the future you tell her something like: I wish you and I were a couple, that’s okay to say because it will not be a deal breaker, it is not that because you say that, she will break up with her boyfriend and you will need to proceed immediately with a marriage to her. Your words don’t have that much power. I am suggesting that you tell her the truth about how you feel simply because it’s how you feel. Better than hiding the truth and then building resentment and then exploding with another let’s-take-a-break declaration!

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

You work many hours! You are courageous to be going to work everyday when the 6 feet rule is  hard to keep, and you are doing a great service for people, making it possible for them to .. eat, basically. I hope you never forget to wash your hands thoroughly before you touch your face with your hands. I bet you know that, of course, but make sure you don’t forget that, not a single time.

I do wish you will talk to her more often on the phone and hear her voice, it must be a beautiful voice.

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

Being out there making it possible for people to have access to food makes you the fourth pandemic hero on these forums. Thank you for being a Pandemic Hero!

And do keep yourself and others as safe as possible. I hope you talk  to her soon enough, try to make it a regular event, a 5-20 minutes talk with her every week or two weeks, reads reasonable to me.

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

A real hero doesn’t think of himself as a hero, so “I aint no hero” fits very well with what a hero would say. Sorry you don’t get overtime.

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

Two things:

1. That summer was the best summer in your life because you had the best emotional experience there is: “to feel connected to someone and they felt connected to me”- you said it.

2. If you tell her once again that it’s over, goodbye etc., your credibility is close to zero, because like you said: “I have tried that many times and I just keep coming back”.

So you are stuck with the above two things, the memories and desire to experience #1 again, and not being able to carry out#2, or at least, having a very poor record of carrying out #2.

Plus, you didn’t manage to meet a different woman to feel  connected to and she feeling connected to you.

By the way, last you wrote, she wasn’t seeing “her man” as you refer to him, he was working a lot.. it was 11 days ago that she said that she won’t be seeing him for 26 days. Also she was going to help her daughter who was evicted and she wasn’t doing well with everything. I wonder what is going on with her now.

I hope you are no longer coughing and soon to be back to being paid overtime!

anita

Dear blkhwkdwn1:

Good thing you coughing is better. Maybe you shouldn’t work until you are all better.

Regarding these two choices: 1) saying goodbye to her, and/ or asking for a break and 2) no longer calling her without a goodbye or a mention of a break-

#1 will get you where it got you before, again and again: you say goodbye, announce a break, feel better for it, then feel despair, missing her, followed by contacting her, followed by feeling better, followed by feeling angry, followed by calling her, saying goodbye etc. etc.

Plus, at first you asking for a break worked out for you (“she wanted to be really short”), but it is not working for you anymore. She expects you to ask for or announce a break and a goodbye at any time. Expecting this from a person discourages closeness.

#2 has a chance to work for you. If there is a chance of getting closer with her, it is in no longer saying goodbye and asking or declaring a break from her.

If you need a break from her- just don’t contact her.

anita

* blkhwkdwn1, I’ll read and reply when I am back, in a few hours.

anita