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Let her go?

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  • This topic has 956 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by anita.
Viewing 15 posts - 841 through 855 (of 957 total)
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  • #345078
    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    “well we talked for 19 minutes”- your talks with her are so important to you that you know exactly how long they lasted.  You told her that you will not try to “take a break or ending things and especially over text”.

    She told you “thanks I don’t blame you”- this is why I like her, she’s always been kind, not accusing you of anything, not blaming you for anything, but instead letting you know that she is not angry with you, that she understands you, that it’s not your fault. She wants you to feel good.

    You know that there are a lot of people that don’t care about how another person feels, let alone wanting another person to feel good!

    You asked her how she is dealing with the virus, and she told you something like “not dealing with it well.. having problems with everything now and also this virus.. stressed about lots of things”- this is why I like her, she is honest about how she feels, she doesn’t put on a happy face when she is sad (or a sad face so to manipulate another person). She is not doing well and she tells you just that.

    You told her “thanks for being the best thing to happen to me in my life”- you were honest with her about that, excellent!

    You told her how much you appreciate her, she said “awe” and “you have such good words”, you made her feel better.

    Then she told you that she won’t be seeing her boyfriend for 26 days or so, and that “they don’t talk much since he’s always at work”, etc. and that made you feel good, I bet.

    You then offered to have your father drive her t her daughter’s at the end of the month, and “if she needs anything at all t give me a shout and I can get her groceries.. since you’re off work for a while call me if you really need to talk about anything”.

    You wrote in a separate post regarding the pandemic (did I understand correctly- you are working in a hospital, helping with patients???) : “it IS mostly fear though but I just stay calm and smile at everyone. Fear is causing people to panic but stupidity is causing people to not respect the real dangers we face”- well said.

    But notice that it is fear that is causing you to hide some of your feeling from her, this precious woman that this thread is about. You don’t have to pretend to be okay with her having a boyfriend, for example. I don’t mean that you should give her a hard time for having a boyfriend, but no need to tell her that you wish them both well, and that he makes her happy (things you said to her in the past), because this is not true to  how you feel! Be more like her and tell her the truth, or at least, don’t tell her what is clearly not the truth.

    Let’s say in the future you tell her something like: I wish you and I were a couple, that’s okay to say because it will not be a deal breaker, it is not that because you say that, she will break up with her boyfriend and you will need to proceed immediately with a marriage to her. Your words don’t have that much power. I am suggesting that you tell her the truth about how you feel simply because it’s how you feel. Better than hiding the truth and then building resentment and then exploding with another let’s-take-a-break declaration!

    anita

     

    #345216
    pete
    Participant

    Yeah it was good talking to her, maybe 1 day like I told her i’ll tell her that stuff when I said “maybe 1 day i’ll tell you why I am the way I am”.

     

    I work at a grocery store…almost 60 hours a week 6 days a week these days in a small area. I try and respect the 6 feet rule but it’s hard in my area. My day is mostly consumed of work now and that’s mostly it, too tired for anything else like games or movies. She called me today at work, was surprised so asked if everything was ok but it was accidental and everything is fine her phone is messed up and  accidentally called me. So I played around with her response saying her phone meant to call me. 😉

     

    Shoulda called her on my break instead of ask if things were ok, coulda heard her voice again. 🙂

    #345224
    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    You work many hours! You are courageous to be going to work everyday when the 6 feet rule is  hard to keep, and you are doing a great service for people, making it possible for them to .. eat, basically. I hope you never forget to wash your hands thoroughly before you touch your face with your hands. I bet you know that, of course, but make sure you don’t forget that, not a single time.

    I do wish you will talk to her more often on the phone and hear her voice, it must be a beautiful voice.

    anita

     

    #345246
    pete
    Participant

    Thanks, I also want that OT money and rather not live in fear. I’ll try protecting myself and others as much as I can but I don’t wanna leave work when people have to get their food.

     

    Yes I wish I talked more, she has a nice voice! Even if we talked a few minutes saying hey and updating eachother and how we are feeling good enough for me.

    #345320
    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    Being out there making it possible for people to have access to food makes you the fourth pandemic hero on these forums. Thank you for being a Pandemic Hero!

    And do keep yourself and others as safe as possible. I hope you talk  to her soon enough, try to make it a regular event, a 5-20 minutes talk with her every week or two weeks, reads reasonable to me.

    anita

    #345404
    pete
    Participant

    Lol thanks but I aint no hero. Anyway sadly I just found out I no longer have any overtime due to less people buying stuff.

     

    I’ll call her in a few weeks and ask how things have been for her, if she’s feeling any better.

    #345422
    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    A real hero doesn’t think of himself as a hero, so “I aint no hero” fits very well with what a hero would say. Sorry you don’t get overtime.

    anita

    #347166
    pete
    Participant

    So I will be calling her sometime next week, asked if I can call next week and check on her.

     

    Me: I’ll call you next week and see how you’re doing if that’s alright.

    Her: Sure! Sounds good

     

    I really feel like going back to her was a mistake…I just KEEP feeling like I am really not  important to her anymore. In the past I felt really important to her sometimes even if I wanted to end things, like when she would be sad when we didn’t talk on the phone or be really happy to hang out with me and reading the vibe off her texts or how she acted it did  feel pretty good and I  did feel important. But I just can’t feel important and judging by her texts to me I really am not  an important person to her anymore “it is a little hard when friends get hurt because of not a lot of contact, I don’t like it. But not your fault I totally get it”, I feel like it’s back to before we became friends before this thread was made…nothing is there and I am back at square 1 after all these years. I used to be sad and find a way to keep going but I can’t find a way no matter how much I try, how much I keep letting her know there is a problem and she just doesn’t really care to fix it, because our friendship really died off a long time ago, once she met him and I feel like it’s just ME because she is still in contact with her other friends, says she loves them, how grateful she is for her clients at her work, her man, her family…but me it’s just silence. I can keep coming back after ending things but I am always going to feel this way…like I keep setting myself up for failure and I KNOW it. I don’t miss her per say,  phone convos aren’t that great anymore but I miss how we used to be, how I used to feel connected to someone and they felt connected to me…it probably was a mistake to tell her I changed my mind about ending the friendship basically…it’s the definition of insanity. Also that summer is still the best summer of my life. I feel like the best thing to do is just block her, but I have tried that many times and I just keep coming back.

    #347170
    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    Two things:

    1. That summer was the best summer in your life because you had the best emotional experience there is: “to feel connected to someone and they felt connected to me”- you said it.

    2. If you tell her once again that it’s over, goodbye etc., your credibility is close to zero, because like you said: “I have tried that many times and I just keep coming back”.

    So you are stuck with the above two things, the memories and desire to experience #1 again, and not being able to carry out#2, or at least, having a very poor record of carrying out #2.

    Plus, you didn’t manage to meet a different woman to feel  connected to and she feeling connected to you.

    By the way, last you wrote, she wasn’t seeing “her man” as you refer to him, he was working a lot.. it was 11 days ago that she said that she won’t be seeing him for 26 days. Also she was going to help her daughter who was evicted and she wasn’t doing well with everything. I wonder what is going on with her now.

    I hope you are no longer coughing and soon to be back to being paid overtime!

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by anita.
    #347188
    pete
    Participant

    Yeah it was a great summer.

     

    I would not tell her goodbye again, I would just not message her anymore knowing that would be that, she wont message me again. Only told her goodbye once, the other time it was asking for a break she wanted to be really short so we can get back  to doing things that never happen.

     

    Yes her man is gone for a while. She said she’s fine, when I ask if things are ok or hope she’s doing well she texts back “Yep” and that’s it. It wont be a long phone call, just checking if she’s ok so probably 5 minutes.

     

    My coughing is better, was mostly just the flu probably. Overt time is finished though.

    #347232
    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    Good thing you coughing is better. Maybe you shouldn’t work until you are all better.

    Regarding these two choices: 1) saying goodbye to her, and/ or asking for a break and 2) no longer calling her without a goodbye or a mention of a break-

    #1 will get you where it got you before, again and again: you say goodbye, announce a break, feel better for it, then feel despair, missing her, followed by contacting her, followed by feeling better, followed by feeling angry, followed by calling her, saying goodbye etc. etc.

    Plus, at first you asking for a break worked out for you (“she wanted to be really short”), but it is not working for you anymore. She expects you to ask for or announce a break and a goodbye at any time. Expecting this from a person discourages closeness.

    #2 has a chance to work for you. If there is a chance of getting closer with her, it is in no longer saying goodbye and asking or declaring a break from her.

    If you need a break from her- just don’t contact her.

    anita

     

     

    #347774
    pete
    Participant

    Saw her at my work today with her daughter, she turned around and had a big smile right away but we kept our distance. Her daughter has moved in with her and her ex has moved into his own place finally and her 2nd daughter lives near her job (also near me). Told her I would phone her this week sometime and she smiled and said ok.

    #347778
    anita
    Participant

    * blkhwkdwn1, I’ll read and reply when I am back, in a few hours.

    anita

    #347800
    anita
    Participant

    Dear blkhwkdwn1:

    “she turned around and had a big smile right away”- this is what I mean by her genuinely liking you, that smile wasn’t fake, or a casual sort of a smile, it was the real thing, that connection you talked about: “to feel connected to someone and they felt connected to me“.

    This is why you’ve felt connected to her for so long, why you are so attached to her:  because you perceived correctly, that it was a genuine, mutual connection.

    Her second daughter living near your job, that means she will be near your job from time to time. I hope she visits you at your job, socially distancing, of course.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 months ago by anita.
    #348282
    pete
    Participant

    Had a short 8 minute call with her before I let her go to see how she’s doing. She’s doing her gardening now then going to hang out with her neighbor for a while that’s turning 40 and really outgoing. Her neighbor started an event where you put hearts on your car and drive out in a train with other cars on the road and honk your horn waving at everyone spreading the love to everyone, so she will be joining her doing that, they also do shopping together often. Also she’s hanging out with her family doing hikes and going in cold water swimming together. I let her go to do her gardening, she said thanks for checking in and that was it. Also her daughter went back home and her 2nd daughter is visiting her for a few weeks, then back home and after her boyfriend should be back.

     

    After I deleted her off my phone and going to try my best with what you said ” just don’t contact her “, so if months go by and she does i’ll just not respond and she will get the hint. I am REALLY jealous she hangs out with her neighbor often for going grocery shopping and other things yet I get nothing, sure I don’t got my license and I don’t live next door and I am an extreme  introvert so I don’t exactly ask to do those things and I live far away but I really don’t feel like I am an important person to her anymore (I am clearly not IMO, used to be) so why bother? I don’t think she WILL message me anymore so nothing lost really. If something happens I’ll post here.

     

    Man what happened to us? relationships really do ruin friendships. I just wanted to see her more then 1-2 times a year, I don’t understand why that’s so hard for her?  how is 1 time a month so hard for her to see me? hell even 1 time every 2 months is SUPER HARD. No problem for her neighbor, family, boyfriend. I must be that repulsive. Same thing with it’s so hard to keep in touch with me…you make time for  people that matter to you, clearly I don’t matter /rant.

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