Home→Forums→Tough Times→Let her go?
- This topic has 1,011 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 9 months, 2 weeks ago by
anita.
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April 8, 2020 at 1:11 pm #348288
AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
No way are you repulsive, that’s not it. You didn’t see her often for so long, not because you are repulsive, and not because there wasn’t a real connection between you and her, a mutual, genuine, significant connection.
How do I wish right now, that you did have the quality and quantity of time with her!
Unfortunately for you, neither my wishes nor yours- make it so.
(She does “cold water swimming”??? I shiver at the thought).
anita
April 13, 2020 at 2:16 pm #349248AnonymousInactiveSo she’s been blocked on my phone the last few days. I was thinking I CAN’T ask if she can hang out in say a month for that hike with her man I asked, I would never forgive myself if I was a carrier and gave her this virus or she gave it to someone she really cares about even if we did do social distancing but it would be irresponsible of me to see her while this virus is still laughing at everyone let it infect them. But I can’t go on NOT seeing her so something has to give…I have to move on. It also killed me even still I am soooooooo fucking depressed and get really teary eyed throughout the day everyday since she told me her and her friend next door hang out do grocery shopping, dancing, events etc together yet I been asking for more time for years and she can’t even give me that, but this person she can for some reason I will never quite know. If you love someone you can’t have you have to let them go.
I don’t think I should tell her this, I already told her I needed a break and after told her she wont be hearing from me again. What do you think?
April 13, 2020 at 2:50 pm #349268AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
You are a good man. If it was up to me, you’d be spending (safe) quality time with her every week.
I think that there is a miscommunication between you and her: if she knew how you feel, she wouldn’t have told you about spending time with her neighbor. She is not one to be insensitive, and knowingly cause you to feel badly.
I don’t understand your question to me, can you rewrite it?
anita
April 13, 2020 at 3:33 pm #349286AnonymousInactiveI just mean that I REALLY wanna keep seeing her, but more often. But now that this virus is around and social distancing I don’t wanna give it to her or anyone she cares about (or anyone for that matter) as that would destroy me, but I NEED to see her still, but I can’t and I am torn. I don’t know how anyone can see their friends right now…there is a deadly virus going around the globe, find other ways to entertain yourself! so…I wont be able to see her until there is a vaccine but I can’t wait years to see her again and phone calls once a month MAYBE for shorter and shorter time is not enough, not even close. Let’s wait 2 years to see eachother just so I can see you once a year lol wtf? why? I love her, I should just leave her since she keeps refusing to see me but it’s ok seeing her friend next door all the time. What does that say to me? “Sorry but you’re just not that important to me, you’re one of the least important people to me I MUCH rather be around other people”.
Should I just do a full disclosure in a few days? or leave it alone and fade away. I don’t wanna keep being like this and feeling this way the rest of my life. I’ll even tell her that I have pretty much loved her since the beginning and that when I got people to her job all the time it was so nobody forgets her, but I am pretty sure I did that so I don’t forget her.
April 13, 2020 at 3:44 pm #349290AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
Thank you for being socially responsible regarding this pandemic, and otherwise.
My suggestion: When you are relaxed (or exhausted from being upset), put together a message to send her. Write in it what it is that you want from her, Not in general vague terms, but quite specifically. Then send this message (first draft) to me, I may give you some editing suggestions, and when you are okay with the message, send it to her. What do you think?
anita
April 13, 2020 at 3:54 pm #349294AnonymousInactiveI’d do it via phone but it wont be an ultimatum lol, I want her to be free in every way possible so it’s really her choice. I’d message her if we can talk for 10 minutes or so about something I need to get off my chest if you don’t mind me talking about “feelings” stuff.
April 13, 2020 at 4:05 pm #349304AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
No ultimatum, no. But I want to see that you communicate to her clearly, specifically. Is the plan then that you will type away your message to her, send it to me, and once you are okay with a final draft, then you will read it to her over the phone?
(It is much easier for me personally to process information when I read it than when I hear it; I wonder if it’s true for her too, and if it is, maybe better send her the message in an email, in addition to the phone?)
anita
April 13, 2020 at 5:18 pm #349314AnonymousInactiveI’d say along the lines of…
In the beginning when you helped me at the doctors I grew an infatuation with you, and when you started working at your previous job and I invited all these people to your work I did not want anyone to forget you, but I think I just did not wanna forget you. I…I started to love you as more then friends and still do to this day but I refused to tell you because I was scared you would laugh at me in disgust and would end the friendship and you deserve so much better then me and my drama and I really liked when we used to talk on the phone every couple months in the beginning. That summer a few years ago that landed you in the hospital was the best summer of my life connecting with you in a way I have not ever had connected to someone before and I am so glad you’re ok now, i’ll forever think of that summer fondly and how close we became and I really liked it when you used to text me sometimes you were just thinking about me. I really wish we did see each other more often like when I asked in October and you said you really wanted that as well, but it is never meant to be and I guess nor should it because you now have a guy that completes you and makes you feel so happy, which you deserve and I hope continues and I should go find other friends that I can connect with once covid has a vaccine in a year. Also it was nice when we talked before your trip for your advance at your career and after when you came back and we talked again about it and had a moment at the end. You’re a fasinating woman and an amazing healer and an even better person.
Also our first ever hike was awesome, will be no other hike like it although I suggest not putting makeup on haha. Anyway I guess I should be happy I had a great connection with a great woman but now that you’re far away and no way for me to get to where you are and I wish I could still see you more and always will wish that but I will never forgive myself if I gave you anything or someone you care about but I need to see friends and I have to know I am an important person in their life and since our last phone call when you were saying you see your friend next door often for shopping, dancing, events and stuff and I been trying for years I know where I stand now as priorities and people change, so I wish you all the happiness you can handle and like I’ve said before, to be free in every possible way and to keep on loving people as you are. Hope there is no rift between us and I do respect your opinion so feel free to share it.
That’s basically it.
April 13, 2020 at 5:57 pm #349316AnonymousInactiveOr should I go by what you said and change from “so I wish you all the happiness you can handle and like I’ve said before, to be free in every possible way and to keep on loving people as you are. Hope there is no rift between us and I do respect your opinion so feel free to share it.” to more “from now on i’ll be less active in communicating with you until you reach out more so I am not doing all the work” or along those lines? Not an ultimatum but she will know I am going to invest less into our friendship until she starts reaching out for once and starts doing her part as she KNOWS it bothers me. Then if she still doesn’t reach out…well, that’s that.
April 13, 2020 at 6:36 pm #349320AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
I started reading your first post, and .. it is so precious, just so very precious. I want to read the whole thing with a fresh brain, which I hope to have tomorrow morning, first thing after I get up and have my coffee.
If there is anything you want to add before I return, please do. Also, if you didn’t write above what kind of a friendship, specifically, you want with her (about how often you want to talk/ text her on the phone, how often you want to see her, where, what do you want the two of you to do when you see her, and such), do add that.
Remember, you are not sending her any of this, it is only a first draft.
Good night!
anita
April 13, 2020 at 6:59 pm #349322AnonymousInactiveNight night.
I’ve never told her what I want from her, just say I wanna see her more often then I do which is pretty much nothing at all. She wanted me to as well an thought we were when we saw eachother every couple months but she’s not into seeing her friends that much, she doesn’t like to. She wants to see her family, her guy and the career of hers and watch them come and go as she heals their aches and pains, then she doesn’t see them again and is sad but she gets it. When we hung out every couple months she told me she see’s me more then most of her friends and that they never complain about the lack of seeing them.
It could also be best to write down what I wanna say but not send it to her or say it to her on my feelings towards her but let her know i’ll slow communication down because my friendship needs are not what I want them to be, or just ask her what am I to expect from her going forward and if it doesn’t match up to mine let her this probably wont work for me, I wont settle. I think the last part I said is what I should say. Get her input and see if it matches mine.
Instead of
“so I wish you all the happiness you can handle and like I’ve said before, to be free in every possible way and to keep on loving people as you are. Hope there is no rift between us and I do respect your opinion so feel free to share it.”
Put something like
“So going forward I need to ask you what am I to expect from you at this point on for communication?”, she will probably say to reach out when you feel like it, but I want her to reach out, not just me.
April 14, 2020 at 6:39 am #349400AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
First a comment: “you now have a guy that completes you and makes you feel so happy… I wish you all the happiness you can handle”-
– I don’t think that her boyfriend completes her, and I don’t think that he makes her feel so happy– this is a flowery language which is not her life experience. Happiness, or joy, is not a sustainable emotion, or state of mind. If we feel happiness from time to time, that’s the best we can hope for. She had and has her struggles: a bad relationship, the dysfunctional ex who was in her life for too long, some health struggles, the rift with her boyfriend not long ago, and most recently, one of her daughters got evicted.. the pandemic.. so assuming someone is or can be so happy, that they have someone who completes them and the two walk into the sunset hand in hand.. all this belongs in fairy tales, not in real life.
Based on your previous three posts, this is what you need from her: you need to feel that you are important to her, and that you are a higher priority in her life (“I have to know I am an important person in their life.. where I stand now as priorities”).
You will know that you are important to her only if she initiates phone calls and get-togethers with you, no less than you initiate those things with her.
And you want her to initiate talking and getting together with you because she wants to, not because she feels that she has to; her initiative must be out of her free will (you want her to “be free in every possible way”) , not because of a sense of obligation or any pressure put on her.
“she will probably say to reach out when you feel like it”- this will not be an acceptable outcome for you, because it didn’t work for you before. Therefore, you will need to come up with a clearly stated expectation (stated gently, not demanded!) of how often you want to talk to her on the phone, and how often you want to meet her in person.
Leaving the frequency of contact vague or up in the air is not going to work. The two of you will have to agree on a schedule of contact (open to reasonable adjustments, of course, and not too rigid).
Let me know if you agree with what I wrote so far, and what frequency of phone calls and what frequency of get- togethers is acceptable to you.
anita
April 14, 2020 at 12:50 pm #349516AnonymousInactiveAlright so we had a 14 minute call (only planned for a few minutes), I just needed to really get it out and could not wait any more. She was not really up for much today so I didn’t do the emotional stuff, we just kept updated about our happenings like work, her huge garden she’s making and stuff and her guy is back next week, she’s about to take off for the store with her daughter and a hike after, she recently had her first dip into cold water. I told her I don’t want you to feel bad, I am not about making people feel bad but due to the virus we wont be able to hang out for a long long time so was wondering if we can both reach out more often? texts and phone calls. Also that I wont be hanging out with anyone until this is over and I don’t wanna infect anyone especially you or someone you care about I would never forgive myself.
She was trying to find the words, said she really wants to keep in touch still, she loves all her friends and it’s happened before friends upset they don’t hear from her, but it’s just me being me she said, doesn’t mean to offend anyone but she is not into a set schedule, more every so often when I am thinking about them, but she will communicate more by dropping a line and talking on the phone. Also that I was a little bummed when she told me about her neighbour seeing her for for like groceries, dancing, etc often and I don’t really hear from her also that I really wanna feel connected to my friends.
I said I wont talk about this anymore and she said “no no I want you to ask me things when you got a problem”, also told her I really like talking to her, she said I really like talking to you too. When we talked about our yards I told her I would send her a video of mine just for fun, i’ll message her to send me a pic of hers for fun.
Now she knows I want more communication, she will try but in her own way. But like I told her, it’s up to you I am not forcing you or anything. She said text anytime and whenever I wanna call just message her. She was cool about the whole thing, patient and caring, which is good.
April 14, 2020 at 1:41 pm #349524AnonymousGuestDear blkhwkdwn1:
You had a good conversation with her, and I learned something from it: “she really wants to keep In touch.. but it’s me being me she said, doesn’t mean to offend anyone but she is not into a set schedule“-
Do you know more about her dislike of a set schedule- is it true for her as far as a 9-5 job, any other context?
Like you expected, she did tell you to reach out/ text her anytime.
I think it will work for you if you had a set schedule with her, that you feel calmer if you know that you will be talking with her every Thursday, for example. But if she has a problem with setting schedules, that rains on my parade, as far as my suggestion.
anita
April 14, 2020 at 2:07 pm #349530AnonymousInactiveYeah she’s just not into set schedules like every Thursday for example, or so many each month. Just more spontaniously. Reach out when you feel like it, when you think of them. I am pretty sure things will stay the same unfortunatly. Perhaps I’ll call in 3 weeks from now, one day i’ll try a facetime call (she said she’s down for those with me too in the past when I accidently facetimed her with my cheek).
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