edit: “Maybe my posts tomorrow will help us both understand…

Dear pete:

As I was retyping (yes!) all the quotes I put together in this post, I also typed away what I understand today, July 6, 2022, based on these quotes. I’ll try to make it as short and as simple as I can:

Your main fear is having nobody left for you (“I’m going back to having nobody left for me“, Dec 20, 2016). It is the fear of being Alone. I know that you spend a lot of time alone and often prefer it, sitting by the computer playing computer games, but the fear I am talking about is the fear of being left alone after being together with someone you feel emotionally close to. The fear is about this transition: from experiencing emotional attachment => being left Alone.

Right in your first post on September 18, 2016, you established that while you felt in-love feelings for her (“can’t stop smiling”): 1) your relationship with her is a friendship at best and it will never be a romantic relationship because you are not worthy of her, 2) you doubted that she cared for you as a friend should, 3) you intended to exit her life (the very title of your thread, a titled chosen 66 pages ago, is: “Let her go?”).

Again and again, you wanted to exit her life (and this thread) when she didn’t text you often enough, when her texts were too short, when you found out on her Facebook page that she got together with an acquaintance or a friend (but not with you), and at other times. You repeatedly distrusted her expressions of affection and friendship for you to be true and/ or reliable.

Throughout your posts, there are descriptions of emotional closeness and sometimes physical closeness with her (ex., a huge hug, holding hands) followed by a crash into panic, being afraid that the emotional closeness was one-sided or that it is no longer there, on her part. You repeatedly sought freedom from this fear and panic subconsciously by losing all your feelings for her, and consciously by exiting her life (saying goodbye to her, deactivating your Facebook, and whatnot). But again and again, you re-entered her life way quicker than you planned. The first exit was planned to last 9 months (from Sept 2016 till the summer of 2017), but it lasted 1 day.

* It is clear to me that if a friendship with her was to have a chance to proceed uninterrupted by your exits, she would have to commit to a strictly kept schedule of texting (let’s say every single day at a specific time, or twice a week at specific times), and to a strictly kept schedule of talking to you on the phone and getting together with you in-person. You NEED a structured schedule to a friendship of the emotionally close type.

On one hand you intensely desire emotional closeness; on the other hand, you intensely fear losing it once you experience it. And so, you prefer to spend lots of time alone playing computer games, using the games as a substitute to a love life/ emotional closeness. Problem is that it is not an adequate substitute, and so, even alone, you still experience anxiety and depression… so you contact her again… only to panic yet again and end the contact with her.. yet again.

September 18, 2016, original post: “So I have this girl I’ve known for YEARS through work, she’s no longer there anymore though. She called me her friend although I’d say we were mostly coworkers and that’s it because we never did friend things like hang out or text and stuff, but I have started a friendship with her for the past month… I  know I’ll never be anything more than just a friend, even though I’ve never asked her and I’ll never ask her because I will never feel worthy of her. She’s also the most amazing person I have ever met and I’m happy around her, can’t stop smiling… I feel like I should.. exit her life and move on even though I’ve never met anyone like this in my 30+ years of being alive” .

September 19, 2016: “I’m taking a break from that girl… We used to text each other every day, now it’s once a week.. so maybe there really is no friendship there”.

September 21, 2016: “Saw her today at work as she was doing some shopping, we talked a little and gave each other a huge hug”.

September 22, 2016: “Thread has pretty much run its course… I’ve decided to  break from her… One day maybe near summer time, I’ll get into contact with her again”.

September 23, 2016: “She was at my work again, we hugged again”.

September 26, 2016: “Today she messaged me 4 times on my phone. So I decided to visit her at her work for 2 hours and we talked… She wants to meet up for a coffee a week or 2 after and chat. So much for the long break I was wanting lol”.

September 27, 2016: “She wants me to come by her work again and eat there, so I will in a few weeks with a few guys from work”.

September 30, 2016: “Where (did) the feelings I felt for her go? I just… don’t really feel them anymore… I definitely don’t feel close to her at all anymore, and she only gives me short 1 liners now in texts… I really don’t feel any type of friendship anymore”.

October 1, 2016: “I feel as if now that I got my anti-depressants she’s done her job and will be gone now… Anyway this will  be my last post, I’m just going to disappear”.

October 6, 2016: “Alright looks like I decided to come back”.

October 15, 2016: “Spent all day yesterday in my bed, not ate in 3 days and text that girl I been talking about in here about the crying, the yelling in my pillow… deleting everyone off my Facebook (she was one of them too) and deactivating it, that I won’t be going for coffee with her today… Not replied, so pretty sure she’s done with me after just over a month… At least I now know we were never friends”.

October 16, 2016: “Apparently I was told her phone got wet and died, tried contacting me on Facebook but I deactivated it”.

October 18, 2016: “I’ve known her for 11 years through work… so one third of my life, the newest person on her Facebook got an invite from her to an event back when I had Facebook, so I’d say THEY are closer than the 2 of us. I’m not sure if we will ever be anything more than we are”.

October 30, 2016: “Here is an update… she picked me up… She showed me around her home… Drove to a pub and had a drink, some food and a nice talk… It was about 3 hours total. The next day I came to her work with 2 other guys from her old job, we ate there and talked and had some laughs”.

October 31, 2016: “BTW during our talk at the pub our eyes locked for a good 5 seconds before she looked away. Guessing it’s nothing though, but who knows. Sometimes we have those awkward moments we both… just stare at each other in the eyes smiling lol… She looks at me a lot, just giving me smiles, with no words, even if she’s far away, probably just her friendliness”.

November 1, 2016: “Trying to get people from work to come with me to her place Thursday night to eat there”.

November 20, 2016: “Had a dream about her. She JUST met this man and fell for him pretty quickly and just out of the blue, moved far, far away with him… I was bawling my eyes out for the longest time in the dream… crazy dream lol… BTW 100th post LOL!! I never thought my thread would reach 100 posts. That’s a lot of back and forth between us… thanks for all the support btw”.

… November 24, 2016: “I’ve been single my entire life and never really had friends as I felt unworthy of people and played video games all day long to escape… Maybe (she) starts getting feelings for me sort of thing, who am I kidding though? We will only be friends lol”.

… December 2, 2016: “Man, it’s been over a week since she’s texted me! This is officially now the longest she’s gone not texting me since we started texting”.

… December 7, 2016: “I never think I’m worth anyone’s time. People invite me to do things with them sometimes but I normally decline. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I don’t feel worthy of being around people. I’m stuck here at my PC being miserable all the time, wishing I was someone else, but it’s a habit at this point. Girls think I’m fun to be around and I’m always making them laugh, guys always seem to like being around me, but I don’t like being around me. I can have the biggest smile, turn around and walk away only to have the biggest frown and go completely quiet… filled with nothing but hate for myself, all in the blink of an eye. So I just lock myself away in my room, it’s better this way”.

December 11, 2016: “The feelings I’ve felt for that woman have definitely died off A LOT… I guess in a way it’s good my feelings have died off a lot? Nothing was ever going to happen, plenty of other fish in the sea. Still, I feel as if I could go back and relieve those moments I had with her.. I’d do whatever to relive them. It beats out any of those emotions I get playing video games by A LOOOOOOOTTT”.

… December 14, 2016: “I got there and waited for her, she was 2 minutes late. We had a coffee and talked.. don’t feel no friendship or anything towards her, it’s like she’s just floating away and I’m watching. I mean she does barely text me anymore… I’ve never told her I liked her in that way and I never will, I’m too messed up even though it hurts a lot keeping this to myself”.

… December 16, 2016, 4:12 pm: “1 more hour to go. Plan to get there early and give her a candy cane as peace offering for that brutal coffee and conversation. Will tell her I was not feeling it and getting over a cold… I’ll let you know how it goes”.

December 16, 2016, 8:12 pm: “Got there 15 minutes early… Gave her the candy cane and said it’s peace offering for how quiet I was and how bad the conversation was, she was SOOOOOOOO confused and said she had a good time hanging out with me and that I need to stop doing this with that energy and just go with it”.

… December 20, 2016: “My mom never gave a s*** about me.. my sister using me.. My dad.. tells me.. like I’m nothing… A few texts from her put me at ease, we used to text a lot!!! Now, it’s almost dead… just like me… I’m going back to having nobody left for me”.

… December 31, 2016, last post of the closing year (7 posts, 11:18 am- 9:31 pm): “Happy new year to you! Not that good, I texted her what she’s doing for New Years this year and she said working until 10, then going to her mom’s for New Years with all her fam for the countdown, and I just said I ain’t doing anything. Was secretly wishing she asked me if I wanted to join her… Once she’s gone that’s it, back to being alone again”.

January 1, 2017, 12:32 am, 1st post of the new year: “Alright it’s officially 2017, Happy New Year!… I was watching a video about friendships and it says face to face time is important”.

I will pause here, pete, because it will take me so much more time to bring this post to a close, and I don’t know if you are interested in me going on quoting you and sharing more of my ongoing understanding. Please let me know if you find this post useful and if you’d like me to continue.

anita

Dear pete:

I hope that your pain lessens and lessens and lessens, pete. I am going to take your word for it and “let his thread die now”. I am closing my part in this thread then. Good night to you. I hope you sleep well.

anita

correction: goodbye on this thread, pete. Talk to you on another thread, another topic.

anita