Z,

I can relate to your experience in feeling betrayed, angry, hurt, and resentful.  I can relate on trying to figure out how to let that go.

What have you done to try to change how you feel?

Have you journaled about your feelings? Have you written an angry letter to your former friend (and not send it)?  Have you really allowed to be totally into your anger, ex. scream, punch a pillow (or other objects), swear, etc.?  Have you meditate on your anger where you just sat with those angry feelings and not try to make them go away?  Have you tried to re-write the story of your betrayal so you come out as a hero?

If not then try one or more of those exercises.

By the way, it is never wrong to feel whatever you are feeling or thinking.

Mark

Dear Z,

Compassion is a good thing, but the thing is, you are not obligated to show compassion for every person on earth. In certain situations, like a stranger being rude, or doing what you might perceived as a rude action, you might be able to write it off as them having a bad day and it’s not you’ll see that person again to care about what they did. Or with someone you know, if you know what kind of situation they might be going through, then you might be able to show compassion for them even when they are being rude. But, no matter what, if someone is rude or act hostile to you in any way, then you have an obligation to yourself to defend your well-being.

In those kind of situation, it is not about being compassionate, it is about whether your safety is in a questionable state. Before thinking of others, keep your well-being in mind first and foremost. If you are in danger of any kind, big or small, then it’s not compassion but safety that you should be thinking about. Once you have distance, then you can possibly have compassion, but not before.

Now, your obsession with your friend likely stem from your bruised ego and your monkey brain. After all, your friend is someone you want to trust to not hurt you. So if your ego didn’t take a punch from your friend, that’d be amazing. Once your ego is bruised, your monkey brain will try to analyzed the whole situation down to the nano second of ‘why would they do that’, ‘did you do something wrong’, ‘what could have lead to it’ and on and on and on. But no matter what kind of excuse they might give you, what you want most is an apology. Because the apology would signify that they did you wrong, that they was the one who hurt you and so should make that known. And that apology might sooth your bruised ego. But the expectations that the other person will somehow mature overnight and take responsibility for their action will always be a dream because if people were always aware of the hurt they have caused others, the world might be a kinder place. But it’s not and it’s incredibly difficult for people to think about others because people observe the world through their own eyes, not other people’s world view. However aware your friend is, expecting them to be apologize is an groundless projection.

It’s best to let go of that expectation. Others’ actions are their actions, you don’t have control over it. So if they choose to be a d*ck-head, a**hole, and so on, it was a choice they made, consciously or unconsciously. And you have a choice to called it what it is, then you choose whether to make what happened so personal that you can’t let go, depending on whether you can admit that it did hurt you and that you should be angry about it. Of course, they did betrayed you so that wound will take a lengthy period to scab over.

The expectation of a friend never betraying you tend to be a habitual thing for humans so when it does happen, it seems like the world you knew had changed overnight. Once that has happened, you will have to reorder how you viewed the world to fit in the new information of the situation. That includes all the hurt and anger that comes with that. And you can’t just get over it. You’ll do many things to rationalized what happened to forcing yourself to try to let go but emotion is not logic, you can’t rationalize it away. So the best thing is is to just let yourself sit with this pain of a friendship that is never going to be the same again, a friendship that is likely heading towards the final stages of a relationship before quietly fading away.

The more you wish to end it quickly, the more you’ll think of it because you wish to find a solution but that just brings you back to the pain, over and over again. It’s a never ending loop. Let your pain and anger be what it is, hurt and betrayal from your so called friend, but don’t try to rationalize it. Logic is not meant to be used when it comes to emotions. Emotions are merely emotions, something that you feel, not think.