Home→Forums→Tough Times→Letting it Out …..
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anita.
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January 13, 2021 at 7:56 pm #372763
AnonymousInactiveLong story short . My first born child had serve cerebral palsy and serve uncontrolled epilepsy(about 100 seizures a day). Moving forward doctors told me that he would not live long which i guess was supposed to start mentally preparing me to bury my child . He did not pass away until he was 10 so we spent alot of time together he ate by machine could not walk talk or breath on his own . So while thinking i was mentally preparing myself to bury my son my mom died in her sleep and i kind of loss my mind a bit it caught me off guard she was my support system through it all an she was healthy so i thought . So my mom passed in 2015 and my son passed January 2018 in his bed sleeping same way my mother passed . Moving forward to today i struggle with alot of things mentally like the simple things people do through out the day its like when i think of something my mind automatically assumes its not going to work out and im going to die . I know it sounds crazy but i live it everyday getting out the bed applying for jobs is a struggle i mean i make it work but sometimes i get tired of being completely drained by my mind running all over the place . I think its a combination of Grief Depression and Anxiety from the Trauma ive experienced . My face expression is always confused or sad i cant fake how i feel sometimes and i dont want to I really just want to feel normal again .
January 13, 2021 at 8:35 pm #372769AnonymousGuestDear Emily:
Your son’s struggle is heartbreaking, ten years of multiple seizures, not being able to breathe on his own.. and so is your struggle being his mother- heartbreaking,. no wonder you are drained, no wonder you suffer from anxiety and depression, no wonder the expression on your face is “always confused or sad”. Would you like to share more about your life before and now?
* I will be away from the computer and back in about 10 hours from now.
anita
January 14, 2021 at 4:15 am #372776AnonymousInactiveSure
Yes , I’m 30 now . I dropped out of high school in the 9th grade my dad is a recovering crack addict who spent most of my childhood in jail and is currently in jail since the year 2015 . During the years my son was alive I was a stay at home care giver so I didn’t work I collected government assistance . A couple relationships with men who didnt love me but probably because I didn’t love myself. I had another child in 2015 who’s alive and healthy . Once my son passed away the government took away all the assistance they gave me so in order to provide for my current child I had to look for work with no work history I was stressed and the family I was born into doesn’t help each other . Currently I work as a security guard . I don’t have any friends I spend a lot of time reading motivation books or i come to the tiny Buddha site to help my mood if I’m feeling down . I just feel like I need to heal because the depression and anxiety affect my income and current relationship with my 6 yr old . The plan is to find somethings to do in my spare time i purchased some fitness equipment small things like a yoga mat and a kettle bell ( I gained allot of weight with all the stress) brought a Ged practice book , and hopefully I can find a hobby like cooking or drawing to do when I don’t have to work . I’m doing my best .
January 14, 2021 at 7:37 am #372787AnonymousGuestDear Emily:
Again, the story you shared is heartbreaking. I am so sorry that you suffered so much in your three decades of life.
You shared the following in your two posts (I will be estimating ages and making some assumptions): your father was a crack addict who spent most of your childhood in jail. You dropped out of high school in the ninth grade, at about 15 years old, and had your first baby at about 17.
For ten years you were a stay at home mom and care giver for your son who suffered from severe cerebral palsy and epilepsy, about 100 seizures per day, needing machinery to breathe and eat. For as long as your son lived, you received government assistance. You had two relationships with men who didn’t love you, and a second child in 2015, the same year that your mother died unexpectedly in her sleep.
Because you no longer received government assistance since 2018, you had to look for work, not having a work history to put on your resume. Currently, at 30, your father is in jail, your family “doesn’t help each other”, and you have no friends. You are a single mother of a healthy six year old child working as a security guard, reading motivational books and visiting tiny buddha to elevate your mood when you are down.
Your goals and interests are: (1) to heal from depression and anxiety (“I need to heal because the depression and anxiety affect my income and current relationship with my 6 yr old”), (2) to lose weight, get fit, and practice yoga, (3) to further your education/ career possibilities by taking the GED: General Educational Development tests, a group of 4 subjects tests that is an alternative to the U.S. high school diploma, and (4) to find a hobby like cooking or drawing.
There will be things I can suggest to you regarding your goals that may be helpful to you. I hope other members will reply and be helpful to you as well. At any time you choose, you can bring up a topic that concerns you, for example, you can bring up your relationship with your six year old which is affected by your depression and anxiety and describe how it is affected. After you do that, I will reply attending to that topic. Anytime you want to post so to vent, to express how you feel- please do, and I will reply every time so to let you know someone is listening, someone wants to read more from you, about you and your life.
anita
January 14, 2021 at 1:38 pm #372805
PeterParticipantHi Emily
Thanks for sharing your story. It doesn’t sound ‘crazy’ to me at all. I’m sorry for your loss.I’m glad your reaching out and taking steps to deal with your experience. I wish I had some thing to say that would help you, all I have to offer is encouragement to keep taking those steps.
I am reminded of something I read in ‘Learning to Fall: The Blessings of an Imperfect Life’ by Philip Simmons, that has at time created space for me to breath
We are all—all of us—falling. We are all, now, this moment, in the midst of that descent, fallen from heights that may now seem only a dimly remembered dream, falling toward a depth we can only imagine, glimpsed beneath the water’s surface shimmer. And so let us pray that if we are falling from grace, dear G_d let us also fall with grace, to grace. If we are falling toward pain and weakness, let us also fall toward sweetness and strength. If we are falling toward death, let us also fall toward life. – http://www.learningtofall.com/excerpt.htm
Be kind to your self, I wish you well
Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the gentle night to you.
Moon and stars pour their healing light on you.
Deep peace from the Son of Peace to you,
Deep peace, deep peace..January 15, 2021 at 12:37 pm #372852AnonymousInactiveAnita and Peter you guys made my day .
January 15, 2021 at 12:45 pm #372853AnonymousGuestThank you, Emily: you just made my day!
anita
January 15, 2021 at 1:02 pm #372854AnonymousInactivePlease share the suggestions you have that may be helpful with my goals ?
Thanks Again
January 15, 2021 at 2:08 pm #372855AnonymousGuestDear Emily:
You are welcome. My suggestions to help you with your goal of healing from anxiety and depression, for losing weight and getting fit:
1. Create a daily routine for you and for your child, a routine that, as the name suggests, is the same every day. It is very comforting for children and for adults who are anxious to be able to depend on a daily routine that includes what you do first thing in the morning all the way to what you do before you go to bed. Part of a routine before bedtime can be reading to your child a story.
Include in this daily routine your work, studying for the GED, some aerobic exercise (a 30 minutes of fast-paced walk is good enough). Perhaps end the day with a few relaxing yoga exercises/ postures that you can find and emulate from a YouTube video. No need to stress about not keeping a perfect routine: be flexible, experiment over time with what works and what does not work and make changes to the routine according to what works better.
2. Choose nutritional food for you and for your child, cutting down on sugars and increasing vegetables in your diet. I find that a combination of lean protein, low calorie vegetables such as broccoli, and a small amount of healthy oils (avocado, fish/olive oil, seeds and nuts) is best for losing weight, in combination with daily aerobic exercise.
3. Search online for mindfulness guided meditations and mindfulness exercises that are free and that would fit you, incorporate those into your daily routine. There is a mindfulness program developed by founder and operator of this website, Lori Deschene that is advertised on the home page.
4. When you feel a strong emotion and a rush to make an quick, impulsive choice- pause and distract, ex. take that walk or listen to soft music, and when you are calm enough, then make a thoughtful choice.
5. If it helps you to further share here about your childhood/ the difficult years of your adulthood- you are welcome to do so. If you want to share and have me give you feedback/ suggest what can be learned from what you shared- I will do so. Maybe it will help you to express yourself on paper, instead of typing into a computer screen- that’s an option too.
Is what I suggested so far good enough, for a start?
anita
January 17, 2021 at 4:06 pm #372983AnonymousInactiveYes
A daily routine sounds good, its a start .
January 17, 2021 at 6:54 pm #372984AnonymousGuestDear Emily:
Yes, a daily routine is an excellent start, let me know how it works for you. Have patience as you figure out the best routine for you and for your child, one that will fit your your job and all the tasks that you have to do every day, for you and for your child
anita
January 30, 2021 at 1:02 pm #373768
pink24ParticipantHi Emily,
I’m so inspired by your story. You’ve endured so many unthinkable things. Yet here you are up and wanting to improve your life. I want to tell you that you are already strong beyond measure. Life always improves for people who want it to – and it will, for you!
A daily routine is a great idea. I write in a gratitude journal every day. By listing 5 things I’m grateful for, I just feel better all around.
Sending you good energy today and every day!
Pink 🙂
February 1, 2021 at 11:12 am #373890
PeggyParticipantHello Emily,
My heartfelt condolences for the loss of your child and your mother. My daughter has a daughter with cerebral palsy so I have more than a little passing sympathy for you. I see how much it takes to care for a child with such disabilities and I am there for them both whenever they need me. As you say, such children have a limited life span and it is heartbreaking to see their distress. We just have to do the best we can for them while they are here and give them all the love we can. I’m sure you did your very best. You now have a healthy child to care for and provide for and again, your instinct is telling you to get well again by releasing the feelings of grief, anxiety and depression you are experiencing and giving yourself hope for a more positive, fulfilling future.
Deep breathing exercises are one of the best things you can do to relieve anxiety and perhaps you could see if there are any online yoga instructions for mother and child. Positive affirmations are simple to do and can be incorporated whilst you are at work, for instance: “I am earning an honest living”, “I am taking good care of myself”, “I am strong”, “I believe in myself”.
May you be blessed with Love and light
Peggy
March 10, 2021 at 1:06 pm #375880AnonymousGuestDear Emily:
How are you?
anita
March 15, 2021 at 2:46 pm #376149AnonymousInactiveIm ok .. Daily high and lows . Ive noticed latley that my thoughts toward myself are kinda mean its usually when i get impaitent or something dosent go as planned . Also i didnt mention to relieve stress i smoke black and milds or drink alcohol i picked up this bad habit a few years ago. It was the only way i could get to sleep . Im being fully honest . I think im doing okay but things can be better That routine would really get me together but i just have to focus and commit to it . I currently have no social life I dont even put effort into meeting people or anything I just really want to heal or whatever it is that im suppose to be doing. As a kid growing up I loved myself and would do anything an everything for myself .
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