Thanks, Anita, for replying to me, although your answer of “yes, absolutely!” when asked if you see a difference between intentional and unintentional harm is confusing for me, as it seems inconsistent with some of your recent posts, those that have recently been deleted. But that’s okay. I need no clarification.

It is important to me to express my feelings to you, however. Knowing what you’ve shared here about your childhood, I’ve always felt deep empathy for the little girl Anita. You have every right to feel the way you do toward your mother. The unbearable suffering that you endured clearly comes through in your writing, and I’ve always rooted for you from my computer, many miles from where you are. I am also genuinely thrilled that you’ve made so much progress in your healing journey of late. It makes me feel proud of you (I am a mother, after all) and of all your hard work. I know you are a good person, Anita. I also know that you’re intelligent, curious, compassionate, and have a great sense of humor. Yet, with all that said, I still struggle with how things played out between you and other members here on this forum over the past couple weeks. As an outside observer, what occurred seemed hurtful and unfair. And this has happened before…and the hurtful posts get deleted, Tiny Buddha loses caring, well-meaning, helpful contributors, and things go on as if nothing happened, that is, you move on to the next member who is looking for advice. And I do recognize that you yourself are a caring, well-meaning, and very helpful contributor, and that you’ve done a lot of good here.

The purpose of my earlier post on this thread was to gently invite you to explore the possibility that maybe there are better ways to handle unintentional harm, especially when the harm comes from someone who demonstrated genuine care for you, and also who sincerely apologized after realizing her mistake.

It occurred to me while typing this that perhaps your brief answer of “yes, absolutely!” isn’t inconsistent with those recently deleted posts after all. Maybe “yes, absolutely!” means 1) that indeed you do see a big difference between intentional and unintentional harm, but that in your view, even unintentional harm will not be permitted/tolerated by you, 2) that I have overstepped and that you owe me nothing more, and 3) that the topic with me is hereby closed. And of course I do understand and accept all these things.

B

Hi Tee

Thanks for sharing your thoughts

I tend to lean on the rule of charity and stoic thinking n these matters and for the most part it serves me well. But that can make insensitive and miss when someone has been caught up in the moment and left unheard. I’m sorry that in my initial response, I didn’t acknowledge the hurt you felt.

These uncomfortable moments, while difficult, can also be opportunities for insight and growth.

From what I understand, everyone involved has come to see that the forum wasn’t the right space for that kind of sharing.

There’s something about posting one’s thoughts that makes them feel more real than keeping them to oneself. Still In healing spaces, where we are vulnerable and reflect one another and where there will inevitably be projections, misunderstandings, and moments of hurt. As you pointed out, that part of the process calls for space to respond and engage.

Maybe a deeper question is: can we find ways to honor someone’s inner process while also honoring our own, even when they seem to clash? It’s not an easy task, and I suspect each of us must find our own answer. But perhaps asking the question is enough to begin creating a space of grace, for understanding, time and healing and even forgiveness we all seek.

Thanks for being part of that process.

Hi Everyone

I guess I feel like conflict can be both be retraumatising and transformative at the same time. The difficulty lies in handling the pain and conflict in healthy ways. I do believe it is possible to learn from anything though. ❤️

Hope you are well, it been a few months since I last replied. The insight you shared wiith me have really resonated . Thank you

Anita
As you are now aware I am very nostalgic and reflect deeply. I have shared with you an important relationship from my early 20s. As I am in my mid 60s I find that I am reflecting on events in my life, re-surfing feelings is both positive and negative , as it can consume my focus. I have recently reflected on a relationship from my late teens, one that I have not thought about in decades, and wow : it has hit me like freight train. I write reflections like letters , below is my letter to this girl based on what I feel and remember now .

LETTER
I am writing this letter nearly 44 years after we dated, at the time our relationship was the biggest part of my life, and it took me a few years to process the relationship and breakup. As events, relationships & time created my future life, our relationship faded in the background, becoming an important foot note to my lifeline. I have not reflected deeply on our relationship in well over 30 years but now as I prepare for retirement I am reflecting on my life and career and focused on our time together, I am really surprised on how our time together has now overwhelmed me with memories and nostalgia.

You were my first true love, the first real relationship I had, it lasted 6 months and as you said: part of our hearts will always belong to each other, over 40 years later my feelings are still there, in the deep background. You were 17 and I was 19, a lifetime has passed, and recent reflections have surfaced these strong feelings and finally the pain and loss of our breakup feels real again. I assume like me, I am a footnote that you rarely think of, I hope you have some fond memories of our time.

We started dating in January, I don’t remember how we met. You were a degree student, and we had a shared friendship group. I remember our first date was to the cinema. I don’t remember the movie. Later you said you never kissed so much. nother was a dinner date, the energy between us was so intense.

You said that you liked that I was “normal”, which indicated that your previous boyfriends were not. In time you saw my flaws and weaknesses which helped me understand that being flawed is normal.

I remember making out on your couch, I remember your yellow cardigan & the smell of your hair, I remember your wet hair and it was curly before you combed it. I remember on at least two occasions we went to bed upstairs. Here things got complex, I never stayed the night as I did not want my parents to believe I was out all night. You had said you did not want to get pregnant because of the impact a pregnancy had on your sister’s life. Also, you said that I was more amorous on the couch than in bed, possibly because this was new to me, and I did not want to go too far.

After dating two months I brought you to my sister’s wedding, you got on very well with my family.

At some point we called to my brother’s house, at some stage afterwards I learnt that you called to see my brother on your own, I thought that was a bit strange.

My first memory of the relationship disintegrating was after two months. We arranged a weekend away, you asked that we pick up a friend on the way. I had arranged a place in for us both to stay, but you wanted to stay with your friend. I have a vague memory of you flirting with other guys in a nite club. This was a clear signal that you did not really value our relationship, you were emotionally detaching, and I was chasing a dream. I cherished you and in return I wanted you to cherish me. I believed the harder I tried the bigger the chance that I would win you. This weekend was the dividing mark in our relationship. I know you were hinting that you were no longer interested but I kept hanging around like a puppy dog. I feel in hindsight that I know you did not really love me the same way I loved you, and at 17 why should you. Possibly this is why over time I have not reflected too much when the relationship dissolved, as it was clear why we split.

In May I got a new car. I drove you to visit your sister, this was a 400 mile round trip. We stayed for at least 1 night. I remember your sister and her partner had very young children. I remember playing chess with your sister’s partner in the kitchen. I slept downstairs, you wanted me to sleep with you upstairs, but your sister felt it better that I slept downstairs. For such a long drive together, we must have had plenty of time to chat and be together, I have zero recollection of these long drives to and back.

I had a suspicion she was dating someone when you went home to your parents.

I remember you saying at some point “Now that we are no longer dating, I can tell you that you are a terrible driver”

My best friend did not like you, and he told me so many times. I remember you did not like my best friend either.

In the summer you moved to a new city for work experience. You must have shared your address as I remember writing and sending you a very long letter I never got a reply, I assume you were not impressed. That appears to have been the final last gasp in our fading relationship.

In early the following year you were back in college, I learnt that you were sharing an accommodation with mutual friends. I called regularly to the dorm with the hope of meeting you, we met once. I was in the kitchen, and you came in, I remember you were heading out to a party. As part of the group, we had a very civil conversation, then you headed out.

I have a vague memory of attending your graduation dance, a mutual friend invited me. You were sitting at another table with some other guy, I think we had some chat in the corridor. That was it, I have no recollection of any meeting or contact between us ever again. I have absolutely zero information on how your life worked out, I believe that you moved to a country far away.

The relationship legacy, significant for a few years but forgotten for decades. I felt treated badly, what started as amazing ending up being very messy. I now know that I had expectations from the relationship that you were not ready to give. Even when the signals were clear, I kept pursuing the dream. I understand that is why our relationship never really resonated long term, because when I experienced what I expected from a relationship it dawned on me that I had transferred my relationship expectations on to you, I was ready for a serious relationship, and you just wanted to have fun. Future relationships validated my relationship expectations.

You played a massive role in my life, the first taste of the possibility of love and a relationship. You are always in my heart, and I hope you had a wonderful, healthy & fulfilled live.

Gerard