Hi Peter,

thank you for sharing your perspective.

To me, SOCJ resembles dream interpretation where every figure, object, and event is a reflection of the dreamer’s inner world. Just as only the dreamer can truly understand the meaning of their dream symbols, so too is SOCJ a deeply personal process.

Yes, indeed, journaling is a kind of practice that unpacks and reflects the person’s inner world. However, if that journal is shared in public, then the characters in that journal are not just static figures and “objects” that the person can assign whatever meaning to and project whatever idea onto. They are people of flesh and blood, who shouldn’t be used as placeholders for someone else’s process. Those kinds of things are done in therapy. Or in private.

Commenting on someone else’s SOCJ can be like waking a sleepwalker well-intentioned, but disorienting or even painful.

If someone is sharing their journal in public, but doesn’t want comments, what’s the purpose of that? And if what they’re sharing involves attacks and insinuations about other members, should we just allow it without saying a word?

I like how you’re going about tension and discomfort we might feel in interaction with others:

I believe that if we can sit with that discomfort and not rush to fix it or assign blame, we find healing. That tension, that pause, is where transformation begins.

Yes, every interaction that stirs something in us can be used as a mirror, to see something about ourselves. To examine ourselves.

Tinny Buddha is a space that encourages vulnerability.

Yes, it does. I believe, and others have said it too, that it’s a safe space, where people are treated with kindness and compassion. However, sharing one’s personal journal that contains thoughts and feelings about other members of the forum – is not really vulnerability. It’s something else.

I welcome what Lori said that journaling is a format that goes against the purpose of TB forums, because the forums are about back-and-forth exchange, which indeed can be open, honest and vulnerable. But it shouldn’t be about witnessing one person’s raw thoughts and feelings, because that’s very intimate and can cause more harm than good. That kind of vulnerable sharing is more appropriate for other, more private settings.

Hi Everyone

My understanding of the matter is that it was a sensitive situation. Sensitive situations can be hard for people and naturally result in conflict.

I believe that we all see the good sides of each other. Anita did want to connect because she invited Tee to join the conversation. Tee wanted to connect to and would have had to have a level of trust in order to engage.

It might be hard for Anita to build trust with someone she’s had a previous conflict with. It might have been difficult for Anita to experience communication mistakes in these early stages of building trust. Tee might have had her own concerns about these things too.

Sometimes in my own life, I have noticed that hurt feelings can still linger after an apology. It can be hard for people to deal with. During conflict, it is easy for negative thoughts to creep in for anyone. It doesn’t mean that these thoughts are true though. Learning to challenge these kinds of thoughts has been incredibly important for my healing and helped so much in communicating with others during times of conflict.

There may have been a misunderstanding in how I communicated. I don’t like to criticise people anymore. It is hard to communicate and engage sometimes. I’m still learning how to. Rather than say something potentially hurtful, I prefer to stay silent. Anita may have felt like I was choosing sides. I don’t believe in sides. I care about everyone. Sometimes people can feel hurt when people show care to others they are in a conflict with.

It can also be painful feeling like you are the subject of conversation. I was processing my own feelings and sharing my perspective when writing about grace and compassion.

I imagine that it might have been stressful for Anita when I asked for boundaries to be respected. I imagine that she might be hurt right now because of the changes she is currently processing and the ongoing conversation about the conflict. It might also be painful for her to experience so much feedback about the conflict from various different people.

Up until recently, I have found it very difficult for most of my life to express empathy to others during conflict. The empathy was still there underneath, but I hid it. This was a result of my trauma. My mother would be particularly enjoy to hurt me when I showed any kind of emotion or vulnerability. She would get bored and it would end more quickly if I maintained my composure. At times of stress people often default to their childhood patterns.

Fear of rejection held me back for a long time. What if I open my heart during a time of conflict, show my vulnerability and my heart gets stomped on? I realised that I already felt like I was being rejected. So what was left to be afraid of when I was already experiencing it?

Unfortunately, it is impossible to have needs met by others when communication is shut down. Having needs met involves showing each other kindness and empathy. It requires trust to allow that process to occur.

Conflict is difficult for us all. We all have trauma. Harsh words hurt us all. It also hurts when needs are not honoured. It is difficult sometimes when different people have different needs. It can be hard for these things to align.

On top of these things, we all have our own life stresses. As a mother with health issues, autism and PTSD, I have a very low tolerance for stress at the moment. I know that Anita has shared her own difficulties she is going through recently. Tee might have her own difficulties in life.

Some situations are sensitive and are difficult to get through even when everyone can maintain their calmness and composure. Many things can make that challenging. It is natural for mistakes to happen, for feelings to be messy. It is human.

I think that believing in ourselves is important because it mitigates some of the stress of misunderstandings and assumptions.

I am very sorry for my part in things Anita. When you are ready to talk I will be here. ❤️

Tee, I don’t want you to think that I don’t care about your pain because I do. You took the brunt of the difficulties in this conflict. You have mostly been silent about your pain. I still see it though and it deserves to be acknowledged. ❤️

Hi Everyone

I feel its important to remember that the healing process will push up against the boundaries of our experiences that often requires us to revisit the very places where we were hurt. In my experience a difficult space to hold as ego consciousness seeks to protect itself while the Self seeks to be made whole.

Ideally, healing involves re-engaging with pain in a way that allows for transformation rather than repetition. However, In spaces where we rely solely on language, especially inherited language shaped by the same systems which may have often caused harm, or exasperated it, this becomes even more complex. I often wonder how much of our pain resides in the experience and how much in the language that tries to express it. I know I get tangled up in it.

For anyone interested in this problem I found Jung’s archetype of the Wounded Healer helpful as it reminds us that our own pain can be a source of insight, but also a risk if not held with care. Transformation arises not from being unscarred, but from having walked through the fire and returned with something to offer.