Dear Nia:

This is what I understand about your situation:

When your mother left you and then, when your father died, your child self/ 17 year old, was very, very sad and scared for a long time,  so depressed that you lost the spirit to live. (“my mother leaves us…I’ve been through darkest time before, when my father passed away and I live alone. Even that time I also don’t have spirit to live”).

That deep sadness and being scared, that “darkest time” didn’t go away even when you felt better, when you had other people’s company, when you chatted with men, when you had a boyfriend for six years, even when you married him. That darkest time is still there, not gone, not erased.

Your husband has been chatting with a work colleague, a woman he was interested in ten years ago. When you found those chats, your darkest time became alive and made yuo feel that darkest time again: “I just feel hopeless and feel that I’m not worth it anymore… I don’t have any spirit to live”-

– back to the feelings when your mother left you, and later, when your father died.

These feelings, this deep depression of having no  spirit to live is not about your husband, it is about the girl you were losing her mother and then losing her father, being scared to live alone.

*** When you think about your husband’s behavior in regard to this woman, try to think about it objectively, that is, remembering that how you feel is not an indication that he did something terrible, but an indication that your previous emotional experience after your father died has been activated/ came up to the surface.

What your husband did objectively as I understand it: he is working in the same company as she does because it was the best company available to  work in, both of you agreed on that. He works there not because she works there, but because of a better pay and/ or benefits and such.

Clearly, he likes her. A bit of how he used to like her ten years ago is still alive today. Just like how you felt when your father died is still alive today, to this or that extent, so is his liking her still alive, from time to time, to a much lesser extent.

This is not unusual, lots of married men (and married women) still like from time to time an ex girlfriend/ boyfriend, or as in your husband’s case- a woman he had a crush on ten years before.

It doesn’t mean that he is in love with her, or that he intends to leave you for her. It simply means that once in a while he feels a liking for her. It is not dangerous to you, that he likes her. If she is married, if the company rules prohibit dating between employees, especially married employees having affairs, if your husband is a loyal man- him liking her is not dangerous to you.

A married man will always like this or that woman, a woman that he works with, or a woman who serves him food in a restaurant he frequents, or he may like how this or that woman he passes by on the street looks like, or a woman in a magazine- so even if your husband did not like this particular woman, he would have liked this or that woman.

It is not dangerous to you for as long as he doesn’t significantly act on his liking the woman, such as asking her for lunch (just him and her), asking to meet her in her hotel room while traveling, trying to kiss her, etc.

Let’s look at what your husband did: she was sick and he asked her “what’s wrong? What’s hurt? Is that ur feeling? Then my feeling is hurt because u leave the division”= he expressed too much concern for her and a bit of a flirting in telling her he is hurt that she left the division. He acted on his liking her but not significantly so far.

His message “hey do u know that film..”- no flirting, nothing alarming.

His suggestion that she brings a mask to a crowded airport is an excellent suggestion, no wrongdoing there, no flirting.

His comment about her eating too much, “U look fatter”- is not a flirting as I know it,  because women don’t like to hear a man saying they are fat! This is the opposite of flirting.

Asking her if she ate part of his food doesn’t concern me, seems like he is generous with his other colleagues too, so nothing special about him sharing his food with her as well.

Asking her what gift she wants from another country is a flirting if this is an unusual behavior, if he never asked any other colleague the same question/ if other colleagues don’t offer each other small gifts when they are out of the country.

“in here chocolate is on discount. Do u want chocolate?”- is likely a non-flirting statement because if he was trying to impress a woman, hoping to be intimate with her, he wouldn’t likely tell her that the chocolate is on discount so to  make her feel special, worthy of expensive chocolate!

“Do you want a bag?.. but give me the  money to buy it. Haha”- non-flirting because if he was trying to be intimate with this woman he would have suggested to buy her a bag with his own money, or he would buy her one without asking her and bring it to her as a surprise gift. Asking her for money for a bag is very good news to me, in regard of figuring out his intentions.

The picture he sent about a woman wearing a dress and bag could simply mean that he was bored where he was, remembered that she said she was searching for a dress, so having time on his hands, he sent her the picture. Younger people, such as your husband, spend a lot of time on their phone, it is often an obsession, so it is not alarming to me that he would use his phone for such trivial purposes.

In summary: he likes her, at least from time to time, but not to an alarming extent. He didn’t significantly act on his liking her. But he should stop messaging her nonetheless because at times he did express too much liking her, too much for a married man and for any man if a professional conduct in the workplace is required. And he should stop messaging her because it bothers you.

If he sees her in public, at the workplace or if they happen to be in an airport together, he should be polite, of course, ask her how she is doing, have a little conversation, but he shouldn’t keep a messaging communication with her.

* But if you ask him to not message her anymore, make sure that you don’t message other men too- no chatting for him with this woman, no chatting for you either.

Remember: the fact that you feel so terribly about his chatting with this woman so far is not an indication that you are in danger, that you will be left alone again. It is an indication that you were left alone long ago, and that darkest time has come alive again.

Also, be careful to not act too possessively with your husband, making him feel bad (trapped or feeling guilty) for small things like smiling to a woman, talking to a woman kindly, or even looking in the direction of another woman. All men smile and look at other women from time to time, you can’t change that, nor should you try.

anita

Dear Nia:

You are very welcome.

“what happened  in the past.. really matters and makes me like this”- yes, when what happened at a young age is very intense, it sure matters later on in life. What we feel intensely as children, we keep feeling as adults.

“I was a teenager, when I liked someone else, I always convinced myself that he does not care or think about me. That’s because I don’t want t hope too high” (I hope you don’t mind that I am grammatically editing your sentences a bit, for better clarity)-

– it may be that when your mother left your home, you hoped that she will come back. You hoped that day after day, and it hurt every day that she didn’t come back, so you stopped hoping, so to not hurt so much hoping and getting disappointed, again and again.

“how to forget that he cared for another woman more than me..?”-

– I don’t think that he cared for her more than he cares for you because he was not in a relationship with her. He may have felt intensely about her, but then- most women marry men who were already in love with another girl earlier, men who felt very intensely about other girls or women in their lives.

We can’t possibly own a man’s past or a man’s feelings. Having a loyal, honest, loving and responsible partner in life is the best we can have.

“I worried that he compare me to her”- imagine that he does compare you to her and thinks that you are better for him than she would have been!

If you treat him well regardless of how jealous and insecure you feel- you will be better for him than so many women who don’t treat their husbands well when they feel insecure, or bored, or angry, etc.

“what should I do to convince my heart and brain to trust him. Do you have any suggestions how to decrease my paranoid/ possessive thoughts.?”-

– in regard to this woman, is she married or in a relationship? If she is, you can suggest to your husband meeting the other couple, getting together for lunch, the four of you. That may make you feel better.

– you can continue to talk to your husband from time to time about your jealousy so to hear what he has to say, maybe reassure you the way you need to be reassured, as long as you keep such conversations short, not accusatory and not very emotional-  so to not make it overwhelming for him.

– the usual suggestions to lower one’s distress are getting daily aerobic exercise (walking fast, or swimming for 30 minutes per day, or more), guided meditations, yoga perhaps, listening to relaxing music, etc. Doing any of these things when you feel distressed will help you.

– quality psychotherapy/ counseling, if available to you, is always a good idea.

– having a friend or two who are nice and sensible people, is also a good idea.

– have a daily routine, so  that you follow a schedule, or a list of tasks to do every day. A daily routine (including exercise/ physical activity) is very helpful for anxious people.

“I want to be a better person, woman, wife actually..  I also feel not as good as her”- well, you are already a better person, woman and wife for wanting to be better. Imagine all the women out there who think they are..  too good for their husbands. Your husband is fortunate to not have a wife who thinks she is better than him.

* He will be more fortunate to  have a wife who thinks she is equally as good as him, not more, not less!

“sometimes I tried to go back to my old hobbies, I felt bored”- maybe a new hobby will interest you.

“I can leave (hobbies) when he comes to me. Even if I am in the workplace.. But he.. can play a game for several hours. He can work without worrying, or asking for my attention. It drives me crazy every day. I want to change”-

–  this kind of change takes time and effort, making a little progress today, more progress tomorrow, and persist in making progress no matter how you feel, keep doing what works when you don’t feel like doing (what works).

Post here anytime you want. I have communicated with some members over a period of months and even years. You are welcome to communicate with me long term.

anita

Dear Nia:

You are welcome and thank you for wishing me well.

When you talk to your husband and he looks bored and says “u still discuss about this. I told u”- it means you probably repeated yourself, said the same things you said before. So when he says this, stop talking, change the subject or be silent for a while. Maybe he will bring up another topic to talk about.

When a mother leaves her young daughter, she leaves behind a hole in her daughter’s heart. Unfortunately, your husband cannot fill that hole. He can make you feel better sometimes, but not permanently. No matter how good you may feel with him one day, the next day- that hole in the heart hurts just like before.

It is possible to heal that injury that caused the hole in the heart, the injury caused by a mother’s abandoning her child (and later by her father’s death). It starts by you putting into practice your ability to feel your anxiety, hurt and anger without acting on these feelings. For example, you feel hurt and anger at your husband, or you worry that he likes the other woman more- don’t talk to him about it yet again, repeating the same, asking him the same questions etc.

(Talk to him on the topic if you have something new to bring up to him, something that may be useful).

Healing requires sometimes quality psychotherapy/ counseling. It involves expressing that original pain, no longer pretending that you don’t care regarding your mother abandoning you (“I react like I don’t care”). But you can’t force feelings. You can’t decide: I am going to feel the pain now! It takes a process, best done in quality professional therapy.

anita