Dear Nia:

You are welcome. Yes, I think you are jealous: very worried about your husband liking another woman more than he likes you and preferring to be with her than with you.. and that he will leave you and replace you with another woman.

And yes, I do think that when you heal enough from this aching emptiness in your heart, you will feel way less jealous.

Problem is, Nia, that it is possible that he will leave you. No woman in the whole wide world can guarantee that her husband will not leave her in one way or another. If you don’t accept this possibility (no matter how low the chance may be), then you will never have peace of mind, because there will never be a guarantee.

“I already remember when I was a child, this emptiness already exist and I often feel lonely”. I imagine the girl that you were, after your parents divorced and your mother moved away, it was always in your thoughts, that she left you, that she was not  with you anymore. And those thoughts and feelings tortured you.  You felt like your own mother didn’t care for you. You were wondering where she was, maybe you were wondering if she was caring for another child, but not for you, and felt jealous.

Fast forward, this girl meets a boy, gets married, and thinks similar thoughts and she feels the same feelings that the little, lonely girl felt years ago, only now she feels these feelings about her husband, instead of it being about her mother: “it’s always in my thoughts… it’s torture me… feels like he didn’t care for me.. his care.. with her”!

I am pleased to read that you felt the jealousy but chose “to keep silent and try to focus .. on another thing.. and post here also”- do that again and again. Develop this self discipline to not act out on your jealousy and distress, and instead, focus on something else, distracting yourself. You are welcome to post here anytime.

anita

Dear Nia:

You are welcome. To be less worried that your husband will cheat on you, do your best to relax into the possibility that he will. Meaning, what if he will cheat on you? Will your life end, will you die of starvation, will you be homeless…?

Make yourself stronger, see to it that if you have to, you will be able to feed and shelter yourself without him, see that life for you is possible without him.

A young child is completely dependent on her parents, can’t feed or shelter herself alone. But a woman like yourself, you are not that dependent young child anymore.

Make yourself stronger, and you will be less afraid; less afraid, you will be less jealous and possessive.

anita

Dear Nia:

Because your emotional pain is not because of your husband is doing anything wrong to you, let’s talk about what your emotional pain really is about. As you write here about what your pain really is about (let’s call it your original pain), you will not be writing about what your pain is not about (let’s call it your projected pain, as in your original pain being projected to your husband).

Your original pain will lessen once you express it, let it exit you some through words and tears if they come. When your original pain lessens, so will your projected pain lessen.

“I’m not really worried about homeless or something like that. Because I’ve been through those all when my father passed away… so that’s why when that thing u called dark mode in my heart came up, it’s feel really hurt and make me don’t wanna live”- that a lot of original pain. If you want to, when you are alone at home, tell me more, express yourself. If you feel like crying, cry and type through the tears. If you need a break from the computer, take the break and come back to the computer, typing away anything that’s on your mind and heart.

anita

Dear Nia:

You are very welcome.

“I can’t find my own emotional pain.. that u call it original pain… my mom never care about me. She always worried about her new family and children. But I don’t really think about that. Because I already forgive her, about left us behind”-

– your original pain is what you felt when your mother left you behind and had a “new family and children”, having replaced you with another child, abandoning you.

That original pain was so intense that you shut it down, pushed it down underneath your awareness. So you don’t feel it about your mother. But that pain is not gone- it awakens in context of your husband.

“Today I saw his photos with his colleagues.. I saw him standing besides her.. drove me crazy.. the jealousy came up again”- the jealousy, the anger, the pain came up from underneath. Seeing him with another woman connected in your brain to feeling that he is replacing you with another woman, just as your mother replaced you with new children.

“I always feel lonely”- just as you felt as a child, being left behind by your mother.

“I always feel lonely.. even when my Dad was still alive”- see, you were lonely because your mother left you. Your father was not enough for you, because you were hurt so badly by your mother leaving you behind. When he passed away, you lost him too, in addition to have lost your mother long before.

When our mother leaves us early in our lives, it creates a hole in our hearts, an emptiness (“even my heart feel empty inside”), and life feels meaningless (“what is the real meaning of being alive.. it’s just work, get money..”).

If you become aware of your original pain, if it comes up from underneath, bit by bit, the pain will lessen and lessen over time, you will heal and feel better and better, and you will find meaning in life.

Is there a way for you to attend quality psychotherapy/ counseling, so that a therapist will help you bring up what I believe is your original pain, and continue your healing process?

anita

Dear Nia:

“Is this all my feeling problems is caused by my mom..?”- most of your pain was caused by your mother leaving you. There is no one and nothing more important to a young child than her mother. And she left you when you were 4, when you were very much attached to her.

“Is that okay if I’m not seeing the psychotherapist for this time..? Could u please help me to aware of my original pain?”-

– if it is possible for you to see a therapist, then you should see one. In some places in the world it is possible for people to see a therapist free of charge, or for a low pay. Maybe this is possible for you too. Also, it needs to be a good therapist, a professional who is empathetic and skillful.

I am not a therapist, and even if I was, I don’t think that online therapy is appropriate. The reason you need a therapist (and one that you see in-person, in her office) is because this kind of work- bringing one’s repressed emotional pain up to one’s awareness, is not an intellectual kind of work, like work a student does for school. It is an emotional work and that requires an in-person relationship with a professional. You sit in the office with a therapist, you talk, you can see her face, you get to like her, over time (if she is a quality professional), you get to trust her, you look forward to seeing her again, you build some emotional attachment toward her, and it is that attachment and trust that will make you feel safe enough for the original pain to reach your awareness.

I will be glad to suggest this or that exercise for you, to get in better touch with that pain, but this is not and cannot be therapy. I don’t have the education and training to be a therapist and to help you do this kind of emotional work.

You wrote about meeting your mother for the first time after she left you at 4: “She cried when looked at me, but I don’t know I can’t cry”- the hurt and sadness about her leaving you is underneath your awareness, meaning you don’t feel it anymore, you are detached or removed from that hurt and sadness of long ago.

“Years by years without her, I feel really hate her”- you are aware of your anger toward her. See, you are not completely unaware or removed from your long ago emotions, when she left you. Anger follows hurt or fear. Clearly, you experienced hurt and fear when she left you at 4 and afterwards.

“someone told me, if I forgive my mom, my future will be more good.. When I was at home, I pray.. that day I really forgive her”- it is true that ongoing anger hurts us, so better not be angry, but we have to become aware and process the hurt and fear that led to the anger, before we heal. Getting rid of the anger before processing what led to the anger is not helpful.

You shared that you didn’t care to do “self care/ girly stuff”, and maybe you didn’t clean the house much or took care of your father well enough (even though it was your best).  If you did attend quality psychotherapy, you will find out why, there are reasons.

I mentioned that I can suggest this or that exercise to you. Here is one: when you are alone at home and you don’t expect anyone to interrupt you, make yourself comfortable by maybe taking a hot shower or a bath, relax, wear comfortable clothes and then sit comfortably in front of the computer and type away (or write on a paper if you prefer that), anything that comes to mind about your mother, anything at all. Don’t worry if what you write makes sense, don’t overthink it, just type away. You can do it here on your thread and I will read and reply to you, giving you my thoughts and feelings about what you wrote.

anita