I am 18 years old, and I do live with my parents. My childhood wasn’t the greatest, I had gotten the physical, material things I desired and as a kid, but not the things a kid really needed. As far as I can remember environments I grew up in were loud, obnoxious, negative, angry, sometimes filled with animosity. I’ve always been a quiet kid, I was pretty much ok with anything and could make the most out of less just out of sheer creativity, imagination, positivity, etc. But as a kid I would be bullied over my appearance, mainly my weight, and it never felt like I had my family completely on my side for things like that, and it even felt like they were against me. Although these are the things that come to mind and that should be shared I still feel I had a good childhood, and am genuinely grateful for the one I got to experience, there’s just things I wish would’ve never happened. I guess if it never happened, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Thank you for the help, I’d like to describe a two monumental moments that drove me to even consider posting on a forum such as this one.

Point A
This happened about 1 year ago around the same time, I feel into a deep depression with lethargy and lonliness, it all triggered off an argument with my dad, wanting to monitor me and refuse to let me hang out with my friends because he and my mom noticed my change in attitude to them. I wasn’t acting stuck up, I was going against the quota they set up about me, school, friends, etc. Because they were wrong. And that argument tipped the scale, I felt a sudden shock, as if things could not be real, that I would have to defend myself against the people I loved, that although their intentions were to “better me” it only sought to destroy the person I am. After that, for months I stopped doing the things I loved, I would spend afternoons at a friends house because it felt better to not be home. After a while I felt better, I seeked help and comfort in friends and teachers, and most importantly, music. I found myself listening to a particular album, “Evermore: The Art of Duality.” It completely changed my life, how I thought, and resonated with me on a very deep level. Next thing you know I was back to myself, started working out again through boxing, playing video games, being the happy, funny, confident and careless person I once was. I felt like I was on top of the world, because I knew I was truly smart, creative, fashionable, etc. And I carried that message of unity, of knowledge, the values and lessons I learned from living and experiencing those 4 months of depression and isolation, of being mentally chained. Then summer comes around and I set out to do a lot, training to become faster and stronger for boxing, wealthier economically to move out and continue on my own, reading to increase the knowledge I have and to relax, I sought out to do all the things I wanted because they were meaningful to me. But than after a while, things got bad, and there I was, alone, scared, weak, defenseless, isolated, imprisoned, once again.

@anita
I do agree, it was quite scary to have self doubt manifest itself in my head as my family. To this day I don’t know if some things I’m doing to myself, such as my jaw, I feel like I clench of rest it with my teeth touching, so I start to focus on it, and after I readjust my focus the discomfort lasts, and I start to wonder if I’m doing it to myself by thinking about it, almost like taking away control by trying to make it normal or comfortable again out of fear?

I agree.
I wasn’t trying to please my parents by not doing what I loved, I just felt like no matter what I did they would be there, my shadow. But this is behind me, I forgave them, and decided to lead by example.
Which comes to
Point B
Over the summer I felt the negativity again, self doubt crept in, and I turned inward to find the answer. Mixed with pain due to vision and anxiety due to fear of not knowing what’s happening to me, I ruminated daily, I questioned everything, at one point I felt like nothing, completely nothing, and that nothing had meaning because there would be something to question it soon after. I would type notes daily, but I found release by crying, accepting that I felt weak again, that was the first step I took to better myself. Everything I felt would go into questioning, I felt like I was going crazy. But throughout all that I craved my parents and their unconditional love I once felt as a child, and it helped, but I couldn’t shake the thoughts, and I went down a self destructive path to fight them, which gave them more power. Afterwards I applied methods used on people with OCD, because it did feel like that’s what it was, but it wasn’t as bad as other may have it. I accepted thoughts, and I acknowledged the anger I felt, that it wasn’t small, it was huge. I almost forgot to say, this all happened after I threw away the keys that my sisters boyfriend needed to go work because he came home drunk in the middle of the night, that’s also another big thing too, the hate I felt towards him for being a piece of shit. And that day my ego set in and made that that choice, and ever since that day things were terrible. Because that’s not me.

I have a couple questions for you @anita.
Did you already hear that album or after the fact?
When you say you suffered from OCD and your jaws clenching, how long did it last, the dominant effects?
And if you would like to know more you can ask, I’m open to anything, and as for the psychotherapy, I’ll tell my doctor about what happened so we can go from there together.
I don’t feel anxious but sometimes thoughts about my jaw or eyes come and go, sometimes I feel like if I don’t get to bottom as to why I was comfortable with my eyes it would happen again. Sometimes I think that I actually do have problems but being in that anxious state makes me feel like it’s something more than astigmatism or the fact that I sleep on my side and keep my jaw locked when I rest my head/chin on my hand. Besides that I heard therapy was expensive, and I don’t think I am at the point where I need extensive help, just advice from others in a place that can.

The anxiety, the intrusive thoughts, how you obsessed, etc.