Things have improved fundamentally, I no longer feel Anxiety, I am able to set out and do the things I have to do to move forward in life, but there are loose ends.

I would think about control daily, this ties back to the question of me blinking on my own when I really wasn’t, causing my eye issues when I wasn’t causing anything. And the same goes when I feel myself breathing, I would ponder if I am controlling my breathes without intention. So the big question is, how do I tell?

I don’t feel fear or anxiety because I know whether or not I am still breathing, still alive, and even if I am or am not, it is not a bad thing, but I feel even thought I don’t feel fear, I am keeping myself away from answer out of fear, not intentionally, I just wish I could face whatever so need to and move on, I just don’t know what “it” is 🙁

that’s the thing, I am just being conscious of my breathing or am I controlling. What I think is I never questioned this before, I didn’t care for it, even if it was OCD, why don’t I feel afraid? Trying to find an answer shows a sign of fear but it’s because this, how can’t I tell? Shouldn’t I be able to tell? I try and think about it and more and more I understand that although these are normal things our body does, why does the thought even occur? 

I try try and convince myself, which I have done a good job at doing, that it doesn’t really matter, and I am just aware, and even if it feels like a I am controlling it, I doesn’t mean just my consciousness, knowing I am not my mind or body assures me that both can act on its own as well. Maybe I have just become afraid of being in control of myself, my body, my mind, etc. After everything and seeing how bad things can turn made me fearful at even the thought of control over my actions, and the doubt of not knowing if I even am controlling myself makes me uncertain of myself even more. What are your thoughts, I know peace lies within you, and going to a therapist might not even help, but I know if we spoke to one another as people, human beings, that can be all the help I need. I don’t ask myself that too much, but if just feels like something that can cleared up, with truth. You told me to move forward I must unlearn whatever lies are filling me. And Ive done a good job at being introspective and asking myself what needs to be solved, facing thoughts, emotions, and not allowing them to rule me, even if they affect me. So please, I know things are close to being back to the way they once were, calm and in peace. So please, all I ask for is what I’ve gaven others in their time of need, help.

In all honesty, it’s been more out of a uncertainty rather than fear. Just like with my blinking, I realized fear and anxiety conditioned me to believe I was controlling it without intention and replacing awareness with control, when really I was just being aware, something meditating has taught me. Maybe since it happened often, the question and thought carried over, which makes sense to me and makes me even more re assured that it’s even more closer to be solved, since it doesn’t really have substance to be held onto. I mean, it just happens, and observing my breathes, “controlling” some of it, doesn’t seem odd, it seems normal. Adjusting my breathing or my breathing being adjusted by my body or mind. You referred to consciousness, isn’t that separate from mind? Doesn’t mean our mind do these things, and aren’t we this consciousness that fills our body, our mind, our physical presence? Without the things that tie us to this world, our conscious won’t mean anything, so I disagree that your conscious does this, unless you meant your mind.

A thing I noticed was once I was aware, I would associate a change to conscious control, direct causation to me. Maybe a specialist would help, I just feel like, no, maybe that’s just my ego talking, maybe this need for an answer on my own is just a desire to solve my own problems, as if that will set things right, which is absolutely false.

One false thing  I tried to believe was that intention means prior thinking, but life happens faster than a thought, and the control we all have is exercised faster than thought, life moves faster than a thought.

At this point, I am becoming indifferent to the thought, at least I’m breathing, either can happen, even if I don’t know every time which it is, doesn’t mean either isn’t exercised daily, I may be in control, but not of everything, so that leaves space for anything else that is apart of me. I just don’t want to feed lies to myself that I did this or that when it was my mind or body acting on its own, and I guess that’s where the root of it’s at, being sure of myself.

Thank you.

I was riding the bus today, and I was thinking to myself, what is it. Then it became apparent, as I looked to the past, how this wouldn’t have mattered back then, I realize that it wasn’t just that it didn’t matter, also that I was comfortable with either, because either will happen. I’ve been persistent on trying to understand everything I do out of control, to not be confused or uncertain on what is “me.” Well, me is not just this awareness, as each one of us are molded into our own suits of armor, infinite and unique minds, we are also these things, because they are a direct reflection and part of who we are. I realized back then, months ago, I said something about control  , us not being dominant over the things that make us who we are, and that was a lie. Although control IS dominance, we must exert it over our entity, or else, just like a car, there is no body in the passenger seat pressing the gas, turning the wheel, switching gears, we’d just sit in place, on the side of the road when we must be driving ON the road. We are in control, and I’ve lost it these past months, letting thoughts and emotions reign over who I am. But once I understand one thing, it becomes clear. No matter how you breathe, hoe you blink, how your heart beats, you are just breathing, blinking, alive. Surely I can differentiate between the two, but trying to do so frantically is separating the entity I am, when really it is all the same. At the end of the day, I won’t know every time, and even if I did, what would that change, what would that serve? Just to feed my ego, and I won’t allow it to dictate what I pursue. If I know I have control, and not everything takes my control, than what is there to know?

Exactly, whether I breathe and it’s a forced exhale, or I notice my lungs, rising and falling, it’s all the same, there is not one to the other that means more, the purpose is equal.

Just breathe.

I hope this makes sense to you, because the first time in a long time, I feel more certain about myself again. Thanks again 🙂