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My Boyfriend is going through an identity crises

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This topic contains 92 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 days, 15 hours ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 93 total)
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  • #215505

    Ladybug
    Participant

    Hi

     

    So i finally told him to make a decision and i told him that whatever he decides and if he needs me to move out ill make a plan. And hes response was ” i dont need you to go anywhere, i do feel like i want to be single though but we can work towards something better but for now we can keep things the way they are”

    i definitely have no idea what that means, but i do recall him having that conversation with his brother “<span style=”font-size: 11.0pt; font-family: ‘Arial','sans-serif'; color: #333333; background: white;”>” Its like when you get into a relationship you open yourself up more and more and then you reach a peak point and its like you reach a barrier that you cant seem to cross, its like you cant give that part of yourself. And you can keep going through this cycle, whether its with the current girlfriend or the next girl or the next girl, it will keep happening if you don’t get to the route of the problem within yourself, you just got to keep working and with time you'll overcome that limit</span> “. So him telling me he feels like being single but every part of his actions still shows he loves and cares for me it kind of makes sense what he was talking about that barrier where he cant seem to give that part of himself. So if we reflect back on his childhood of inconsistency, abandonment, trust issue, and being hurt time and time again by his mother, that might have caused this emotional block in his life that tells him to push her away before she hurts and abandons you.. and its probably not something hes conscious of… its comes in a form of anxiety and panic. If i remember correctly the thing that sparked this break was me mentioning all that im unhappy with in the relationship and practically told him his failling and pointed out all that he is slacking on, now if i looked at his mother and how he treated him, she use to lash out or kick him out, and punish him if he did anything wrong and sometimes he doesnt even fully understand what he did wrong because she would make stuff up or over react. Its brings peace to my heart seeing the puzzle come together and can atleast try and help him, im hoping he is willing to open up and seek for answers. I know he doesnt want me to give up on him, but he also is afraid of disappointing me and that makes him want to push me away. He knows our relationship is whats best for him, a single life is not going to bring him anywhere but take him steps back in life. Me making him feel like failure and being clingy has made him want the single life of no responsibilities nor feeling like he will disappoint or fail anyone. Hes fears losing me but pushes me away cause he thinks im going to abandon him like his mom.

    #215513

    Ladybug
    Participant

    He has been sick recently and i have been taking care of him and not making him feel bad for anything because he kept apologizing for not being able to do certain things. He apologies every time he doesnt do something forgets something and i reassure him that its not important and its totally ok. And thats another indicator that he is worried that i may reprimand him or call him lazy. He also has been doing chores around the house and remembering little things i mentioned needs to be done but never asked him to do it, he has been doing all these little efforts and ive thanked and praised him for remembering and doing things around the house, i show him how happy it makes me and also makes him feel good and competent inside, i dont complain and whine about anything anymore. All these subtle changes in our communication and relationship is improving things but his desire to be single as well as this break doesnt make sense and he knows it makes no sense when he longs to be loved and to have a happy stable life. Hes lifestyle hasnt changed, he still talk about ideas and plans for the two of us. I told him this break makes no sense and isnt healthy hes response was  ” i agree this break doesnt make sense” and thats when i told him to make a decision.

    #215517

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    Like I wrote to you before, the good thing coming out of this break, or a better term, really, this change in the relationship, is that you changed the behavior that lead you before to have”told him his failings and pointed out all that he is slacking on”. It is excellent that you are now supportive, tolerant, patient and encouraging to him instead.

    There is a problem in your situation though, one I wrote to you about before, as well. The problem is that he likes the relationship the way it is now. He is comfortable with it the way it is now, this new relationship.

    People are not motivated to change when comfortable.

    His recent response to you indicates how comfortable he is with the relationship as-is:

    “I don't need you to go anywhere”- he wants you to stay. He wants to keep his life with you as-is.

    “I do feel like I want to be single though”- he wants the relationship to continue to be as-is.

    “but we can work towards something better”- in my understanding, this does not mean: I am ready to work toward a different relationship or even I am motivated to do so. It means, in my mind: I don't feel like changing anything, so later, maybe later. Much later (postponing the consideration of what is uncomfortable for him so to continue the way things are)

    “but for now we can keep things the way they are”- my point, this is his motivation.

    Notice this: what he said to his brother- people say things, bits of truth, and then they shake that truth of themselves and keep living like they never said what they said. You are hanging on to what he said, but he may have put that away, in his mind, not an issue of his consideration.

    anita

     

     

    #215535

    Ladybug
    Participant

    He said he doesn't like that he's dependant on me and that he doesn't feel like he's own man, he also said he doesn't feel like he's balsy self that takes what he wants and dominates relentlessly.

     

    He said he needs to be alone and be ruthless.

    He thinks this is going to help him fix his issues and feelings of being incompetent and dependant.

    #215539

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    So the thought is the following, is it not:

    if I, Ladybug, give him the space he needs so that he feels independent, his own man, balsy, competent, one who dominates relentlessly, alone and ruthless (his words), and he becomes those things (independent… ruthless), then he will no  longer need space. And then, we can have a different kind of a relationship, one closer, one without ambiguities.

    Am I correct, is this your thinking?

    anita

     

    #215651

    Ladybug
    Participant

    The lasy few days have been a up and down. Ive tried different ways to help him. And even when i gave him space he continued to try get closer to me and questioned me when i distanced myself. After yesterdays conversation i came home and barely spoke to him, it stressed him out so much that i was completely cold and distant from him. And then when we got into bed he asked if we could still cuddle and i just ignored him for a bit then said ” this is what you wanted right” and i was referring to being single cause that means being alone and not having me around. he then just turned and watched a movie by himself. He then started texting me even though i was right next to him. And the text was him saying we are a good team and we need to keep growing as individuals and that he doesn't want to keep pulling me close and then push me away every time he doesn't know what he wants and our conversation went on and he was saying he has lust issues, and he doesnt feel sexy or desirable anymore. And he had great relief speaking opening(via text) with me about the issues hes having. We then opened up about how exciting we use to be and how we need to break out of this pattern etc. He felt relieved and went to sleep with a bit more clarity and peace now that we both trying to make a change. this morning he came over and cuddled me. This morning i sent him a link about how to regain your masculine energy and something clicked with what he read and he has found what he had lost and thats hes natural masculine drive, he then said to me that he cant be weak and that he needs to regain his masculinity again so that he can be good for himself and me. This obviously was a major change in his approach. He was lost and he would always speak low of men who have lust issues and he called them weak, so his new found motivation to get his masculine back will rectify alot of his inner issues and he is usually calm and direct but lately he has been nervous and stress for unimportant things which is one of the signs i knew he lacks his masculine essence.

     

    #215661

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    You wrote that he was stressed when you acted distant and cold, then he started texting you “about the issues he's having”. Following that he “felt relieved and went to sleep with a bit more clarity and peace now that we both trying to make a change”. Following that, in the morning “he came over and cuddled (you)”. Later in the morning you “sent him a link about how to regain your masculine energy”

    Your understanding of this night/morning interaction is that “This obviously was a major change in his approach. He was lost… his new found motivation to get his masculine back will rectify a lot of his inner issues”.

    This is not my understanding of the night-morning situation that you described. My understanding is that he was distressed when you acted distant and cold toward him. To relieve his distress he texted you about issues. His motivation is not to resolve those issues but to get you back to acting close and warm toward him. He achieved his aim and so, his distress of the night was resolved and he slept well, cuddling in the morning.

    He needs way more help than a link can provide him. He needs professional help from a competent psychotherapist. You as his girlfriend or roommate-and-friend-with-benefits cannot possibly help him.

    As a matter of fact, you are on a road to nowhere in this relationship and this very living situation you are in. This is not a good situation for you. I think you are very much attached to him, very much focused on him, and your thinking is incorrect:

    You think you are helping him but you are not. You think he is motivated to work on issues, but he is not. What motivates him is to continue this very relationship, this very “break”, the way things are. He wants you close to him, warm toward him, focused on him, reaching out to him, just the way you are.

    It is not the link that you sent him that matters to him, it is that you sent it to him, reaching out to him, focused on him.

    anita

     

    #215671

    Ladybug
    Participant

    theres alot more conversation that went on between us, i also told him that he needs to consider ending things and realise that im going to move on. i dont feel i am suited to fix his problems i agree, my aim always was too get to the bottom of the issue and help him discover why he has lost his way, he even mentioned feeling bored of his training. and because i know him well, i know that there is something very wrong with him if his doubting his career. He has become weak and sensitive to lifes shortfalls and that isnt the guy i met. I go through my day without bothering or thinking about him too much, i dont reach out to him unless i need to. Today after he atleast recognized his loss of masculinity he went to the gym and shared how motivated he feels and how he never realized how he has lost his masculinity. Hes low drive, low motivation and increase in stress is all symptoms of a man who neglects his masculine energy. And this may not be the only thing he needs to work on but his willingness to work through this with me is enough for me to be patient. I am focusing on myself while he gets his life and priorities together. He originally thought it had something to do with our relationship that made him this way but now that he looks deeper he has realized that his mess is caused by his own neglect. His lust was due to low self asteem but he never acted on it. He has too much respect for me to actually cheat. theres so much to our dynamic that its not as simple to just break up. Nobody is perfect and clearly both our childhood trauma has significantly damaged to both of us. We trust each other more than we trust anyone else. We both strong individuals who cant seem to just walk away from what we have. He doesnt cling onto women when his unhappy. Hes career currently isnt benefiting him much and he isnt motivated by his training anymore. I cant fix his depression and i am going to suggest he gets help from his psychiatrist. He is looking for answers and he keeps a brave face infront of his friends and our familys.

    #215673

    Ladybug
    Participant

    He said he doesnt want to be this weak man that keeps falling into this hole. He said he needs to keep improving and always work on being an alpha. His definition of an alpha is a man who does whats right for the pack even if that means putting himself second. He said he appreciates my strength and willingness to stand by his side during this difficult time. And he said the fact that i dont run away at the slightest inconvenience is one of the qualities that drew him to me.

    #215677

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    You wrote, “He said he doesn't want to be this weak man.. (to) always work on being an alpha.. a man who does what's right for the pack even if that means putting himself second… He said he appreciates my strength”-

    It is you, according to his own definition who is being an alpha. It is you who does what is right for the pack (you and him, the team) putting yourself second.

    I suppose he has to accept the baby-in-him, the one that talks with that baby voice to you when he does (if he still does). He has to accept the feminine in him, doesn't he, before he can feel his masculinity?

    anita

     

    #215969

    Ladybug
    Participant

    Things do seem to be going in the right direction as he seems much more open and he isnt being emotionally distant. He is more affectionate and plays with me intimately. He even surprised me with a drive along the mountain last friday and we stood watching the view. Hes starting to take control of the situation and we are growing closer. Not saying that everything back to normal but we are embarking on a new journey (relationship). Its going to take some time before i fully trust him again because of what happened. We are both trying to spark up our relationship again and connect the way we useto to grow our new relationship stronger. He is showing effort and compliments me. I cant say im over what happened with him and the whole break and wanting to be single. I cant understand how a man who is deeply inlove and was considering marriage could just fall into a crises and want to abandon his woman whom he protected at all costs. I want to forgive him for the pain he has caused because i do still hold alot of love for him, but i also know that i deserve to be loved and to have security and not fear he will just lose himself again.

     

    #215971

    Ladybug
    Participant

    I have been a true alpha in this situation because i havent abandoned our team, regardless of complicated or painful things got i had the strength to have hope and courage to get through everything. He clearly had low self esteem issues and unhappy with his life apart from me. He complained about not having a life other than our home life, he said his training feels the same everyday and he said he doesnt feel irresistible and sexy anymore. All these issues happened because he let himself go and lost sense of his masculinity. He use to be so spontaneous and adventures. he became lazy and i had to do all the work, which turned me into a bitter person that started to become clingy to make up for that gap i sensed in our efforts. But i know better now and i can only be the best version of myself and he has to work on himself too.

    #215975

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    Back to normal (“Not saying that everything back to normal”) is not a good aim because I don't think things can go back, nor should they.

    A new relationship is a better aim (“we are embarking on a new journey (relationship))”.

    I believe that it is only in the context of greater intimacy, greater understanding of each other in this beginning new relationship that you can adequately overcome the hurt of his rejection (wanting some sort of a break), the anger involved and the fear of it happening again.

    anita

     

    #215977

    anita
    Participant

    *didn't reflect under Topics

    #216103

    Ladybug
    Participant

    There was no conversation about us starting a new relationship, it was more of an agreement that we both need to keep growing and that we are a good team. Since then i have been receiving peck kisses, spontaneous drives, forehead and cheek kisses. He has been very open and wants to share how hes feeling and hows his day went. He asked me to help him out prepping for his up coming fight next month, he always wants me to keep him company in the kitchen and begs for my attention when im doing my own thing. He is always asking how i am feeling. One of his friends asked us when we getting married not knowing about our whole relationship break and we managed to change the topic. He has been making an effort which i love but i cant help but fear he is going to lose himself again. Its  clear to see he has self esteem problems and for some reason it always occurs after a loss in his career. He falls into this reckless depression where he has no motivation and gets overwhelmed with anxiety. His career as an MMA fighter is not easy, it is extremely draining and not that financially stable as he only wins 1 chunk of money per fight and his sponsors arent the most reliable source of monthly income. So his trying really hard to stay motivated to reach his goals even though it doesnt seem worth it right now. His self esteem and confidence plays a huge role in his life and career and in his relationship with me and it pains me to see him so lost and at times demotivated. He has recently found out that his mother has been lying to him his whole life about his dad, she made his dad sound like the evil one that abused and abandoned them but it was a lie. So his anger for his mother has increased tremendously, he is now seeking to reach out to his father to find out the truth and he doesnt know how his going to control his anger towards his mom when he sees her.

Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 93 total)

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