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My Boyfriend is going through an identity crises

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This topic contains 159 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Ladybug 2 weeks, 2 days ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 91 through 105 (of 160 total)
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  • #216109

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    His mother is bad (old and new) news for him and for you. I hope you do not in any way encourage him to reach out to her, to communicate with her, to get closer to her. Better that he has nothing to do with her.

    He doesn’t have much that is consistent and reliable in his life. His mother isn’t. His career and income aren’t. But he has one thing that is reliable, one person who is dependable, and that is you.

    If he fails to understand the value of having a person in his life who is reliable, if he fails to grasp how rare it is to have a dependable, consistently loving person in his life- if he, let’s say, gets focused now  on finding that person in his father (not likely to succeed0, then he is going to miss this great opportunity.

    I don’t think he understands that it is not that he needs to fix himself and his life first and then commit to you, but that committing to you is his greatest resource. Unfortunately, people too often discard their greatest resource as they pursue that which will get them nowhere.

    anita

    #216363

    Ladybug
    Participant

    That is very true,

    It sucks that he is so stubborn, because theres nothing more really that i can do to convince him to end this break or agree to start a new relationship. He is under severe pressure as he is training for his fight which is in a month. Everyday he is tired and in pain. He still sees his massuse every now and again and that woman who his partnered up with to build a brand but hes less secretive and shady about it. He is very neutral when he brings up either of them which is a good sign. He has also asked me to join in on a meeting with the brand business woman to help plan an event he’d like to throw. which is also a good sign because if anything was going on between them he wouldn’t want me to be around the woman. I feel he doesnt want to rush into anything and he is still working on himself, hes actions and how he has been towards me has improved but i just have to be patient and wait till hes ready to step up as a man and call off this stupid break and give me the security i need. unfortunately we all grow at different paces and because we are still young he hasn’t quite found himself yet and thats the growing pains i have chosen to put up with. He is a good man and this behavior surrounding the break is nothing like the man i know him to be, he behaved like a coward and just became completely irresponsible. One thing he doesnt want to do and thats hurt me because he knows what ive been through, but when a man feels unsatisfied within himself and dealing with an identity crises, anxiety and depression and low self asteem… it completely blinds him of seeing all the good in his life. I trust he will come out of this low place his in and he will come out a better man. He still has growing up to do and alot of childhood battles to overcome but hes who i fell inlove with and promised to be by his side always. If he does not improve or step up and be the man we both need him to be then i will walk away and know i have given my all.

    #216367

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    You promised to be by his side and you are keeping your promise. Therefore, “if he does not improve or step up and be the man we both need him to be then I will walk away and know I have given my all”- may it be a promise you make to yourself, to walk away if he doesn’t step up and be the man you both need him to be.

    You wrote, “he is still working on himself”- and I still don’t know that he does, or how it is that he is working on himself. I know he is working on his career, but how otherwise, I don’t know that he is.

    The term identity crisis that you used, (or plural, identity crises), I wonder about  it. It is not that he had a solid identity before(as an adult)  and now he is questioning that identity. So I don’t know about this term used here. I think that his struggles, his challenges have been  ongoing and a lot is ahead of him, if he is to take on healing.

    anita

    #218089

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    How are you, what is happening (if you would like to share)?

    anita

    #218471

    Ladybug
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    Everything seems to be going good again. He has been showing all the promising signs of wanting a relationship and possibly a future with me again, but i try not get into that space again of comfort in his word. He and i are doing well, ive been going above and beyond to help him during his fight camp, 3 weeks till his fight and i can see his quite stressed and always in pain. Only thing he seems to battle with is his sex drive, he says its cause his in pain and he told me he doesnt even desire to masturbate. I told him its due to all the stress and pressure of his fight camp. Despite his stress and pain he has been doing well, he has stepped up quite a bit. We haven’t spoken about the break or anything. We only spoke about good memories from when we started dating and he mentioned the other evening that he hasnt taken me on a date in a long time an i said its okay because he has been preparing for his fight and he said that he just wanted to mention that hes aware he hasnt taken me on a date in a while. I like that he has gotten through his troubles. I heard him tell my brother that he was stressed, that him and i living out on our own, he felt this need to provide and the pressure was getting to him with all the financial difficulty he was going through. Im not sure if this is one of the real reasons he asked for this break but i know that i never put financial pressure on him. Knowing all that i do now has brought peace to my overthinking mind, ive gotten to know him alot better and ive gotten to know myself alot better too. He is starting to appreciate me alot more. He is dealing with alot of inner battles as well as preparing for his fight. I do my best to be his break from all that worry.

    #218475

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    Good to read from you. Three weeks to the big fight, about mid August then. I hope he succeeds in that fight. I wonder what his pain is about, there shouldn’t be pain, should it, on an ongoing basis?

    I think that you are doing your very best and the very best any girlfriend can do at this time and that there is nothing else for you to do, not in the next three weeks anyway. He is going through a lot preparing for this fight and there shouldn’t be any unnecessary challenges for him to face during this time.

    I wonder if guided meditation will help him during this time to lower his stress level. And again, I wonder about his physical pain- I can’t imagine it is a normal part of training.

    anita

    #219323

    Ladybug
    Participant

    Yes Physical pain is a very normal part of training in a combat sport. I just wish i knew the reason this fear of commitment keeps arising. Everything’s fine between us but i fear telling him i love him again after what happened. He was the one who brought up marriage and  a future, but he sabotaged his life with me and almost broke up with me. He gave many reasons but none of which made any sense. He decided to work through his issues but im not sure what is the real problem he is facing and theres no point in asking because he doesnt tell me the truth of what he fears so much. He keeps making jokes and playfully saying i must love him but i just keep quiet. I want him to notice that i havent said I love you. It use to be me and him against the world but after all the issues he has been going through i fear a long term relationship with him. He progressed our relationship and then suddenly when things got serious and we were faced with some difficulty he panicked and became destructive and giving fake excuses to hide his fear of commitment.

    #219357

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    Sometimes during this limbo time you feel encouraged (“Everything seems to be going good again..” July 24) and sometimes, like today, you feel discouraged. I figure this limbo cannot last too much longer for you. Maybe it can, I don’t know. But it is not easy for you, this is for sure.

    That he is giving you “fake excuses”- that is troublesome, not just for me as a reader, but for you. You feel anger at him for giving you excuses and not the reasons, and for giving you fake information instead of the truth that you deserve. I suppose you will be waiting until after the fight before you confront him with wanting the true reasons?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #219361

    Ladybug
    Participant

    We use to have a purpose in this relationship, He isnt the type to date just for the fun of it, as i am the first girl he wanted to change his old ways for. He saw a future with me and that was hes reason for us living together. He then got lazy and overwhelmed with all the responsibility he had. Financially he is struggling and he has so many goals for himself and us but it just doesnt seem to be happening for him. His crises lasted about 3 months and out of nowhere when we were on the verge of breaking up he decided he wants to work on his issues. He said it wasnt fair that he didnt know what he wants and keeps pushing me away and then pulling me back in. He said he was afraid that what if he doesnt want this in the future then he breaks my heart all over again. So knowing there could be another heartbreak in a future with him scares me so much. Things are going good and we’ve made healthy changes in the relationship but i cant help but fear he may want out again when im most vulnerable and trusting him again. After his fight i will get to see if hes serious about making a change and putting effort in. He is very focused and preparing for this fight so now is not a good time to speak about emotions and relationship based stuff. Im being the best girlfriend he needs right now and i hope he starts putting in the effort in fulfilling my needs.

    #219365

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    You have a lot of self discipline through this limbo, being able to not bring up “emotions and relationship based stuff” before the big fight. You are definitely “the best girlfriend he needs right now”.

    Next is, will the fight take place, will he lose or win, what state of mind will he be in if he loses, if he wins, and what conversations will take place then. Feel free to post anytime if you need to express yourself between now and the fight, as well as afterwards.

    anita

    #219379

    Ladybug
    Participant

    It is very difficult as he is in a very singular mindset most of the time. He needs to be so that he stays focused and strong till his fight. I miss being touched and feeling special as he doesnt do that very often. I pretend im fine but deep down im unfulfilled and i yearn to feel the deep connection we once had. i afraid to ask him to improve and give me the love i need but im afraid he get the wrong message and feels pressured. i trust things can only develope with time and timing is important when having these kind of conversations especially with a guy who has commitment phobia. He talks about future plans and us doing well financially but how can i trust him when he fails to make me feel secure in our relationship. I give and give and give but im not getting the same effort in return. We couldnt imagine a life without eachother and suddenly he just changed overnight.

    #219381

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    You understandably miss what you had with him before and you are afraid of getting hurt again by him.

    There are two weeks before the fight, it being the middle of August, correct? Why not plan on talking to him after the fight, if you can (or should?) wait, in the last week of August or at the latest, beginning of September, after he some time to recover from the fight?

    His fear of commitment is not clear to you, you wrote that the reasons he gave you don’t make sense and that you are “not sure what is the real problem”. I think that it is very possible that he doesn’t know himself, that he doesn’t have a better understanding than what he expressed to you, (that his insight into the powerful relationship he had with his mother as a child is very limited, which is where his fear of commitment comes from, I believe).

    But still there are things that you can find out during and after a series of conversations with him. You definitely deserve to know all the information that he has in regard to his fear of commitment. When you do talk to him, if you need my input on what he says, let me know.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #219395

    Ladybug
    Participant

    Thank you, I will take your advice and ill keep you posted on how everything’s going or if any worries come up.

    #219405

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Ladybug. I am looking forward to your next post. My best wishes for you!

    anita

    #221269

    Ladybug
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Its been quite some time since i last wrote and things are going good. My boyfriend had his fight this past weekend (He Won) and everything was running smoothly leading up to his fight. Hes being the loving boyfriend again. He has overcame his commitment anxiety for now, I will never truly know why he asked for a break and treated me the way he did and that gives me great fear in loving him. Although things are going good, i have a bit of a wall up due to my lack of trust in his sudden change of heart. Since it was so easy to get bored of me and abandon ship the first time, who knows if it will happen again. Ive been positive and loving towards him despite my inner fears. I dont pressure him too much and ive taken a step back with regards to planning a future with him. I dont bring up the future at all but he seems to be very optimistic in making business plans with me etc. He has grown great appreciating for me and has told me numerous times of how proud he is to have a woman like me. His gratitude means the world to me but  in the blink of a eye he could change his mind. I continue to focus on myself and give the necessary space for him to do what he wants. I no longer curb him of doing certain things out of my insecurities. I have this mindset that i am an amazing woman and if he decides to screw things up with me.. thats his loss because he knows there are guys dying to have a chance with me. Ive managed to calm my anxiety and fears day by day, I practice confident thoughts and not let him think im some needy woman. Working on my self esteem has allowed me to step back from things that are out of my control and stay assured that someone out there will love me and appreciate me the way i deserve if he is unable to.

Viewing 15 posts - 91 through 105 (of 160 total)

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