Dear Karma,

I am sorry you’re hurting so much and that he is being so harsh and inconsiderate with you.

His behavior while you were still together was also quite problematic: e.g. he would go out with his friends but would lie to you about his whereabouts. He was irritated and angry because his startup failed, but he took it out on you. He was physically aggressive  – he hit you 3 times. You waited to spend the weekends together, but he had other plans, which didn’t include you. When you complained, he blamed you for having too high expectations and that you have changed.

From his behavior, it seems to me he hasn’t respected you enough and took you for granted. And after a while, he started seeing you as a nuisance. Even if you did start demanding more attention since you’ve moved to the new city, his treatment of you wasn’t fair.

Can you explain a little more about the transition to the new city and how it affected you? You said that in the first 5 years, before the move, you were busy with friends and studies, and he with his cricket, and you didn’t demand too much of his attention. But once you moved to the new city, you didn’t form new friendships, and you relied entirely on him for emotional support. You say you earned good money but you wanted to be only around him.

How was the new city and the new environment different from the old one, that you suddenly became so withdrawn and insecure, and dependent only on him?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.

Dear Karma,

Yes, you understood me right.. My life was limited to him. But i was nowhere in his list of priorities.

Right. So now you’d need to become more independent of him. If I understood well, you have a job, so you’re financially independent of him, right? By the way, how is the atmosphere at your work  place? Do you have good colleagues, is it pleasant to work there?

Next is emotional independence – that you don’t need him to emotionally support you, listen to you, soothe you, give you his opinion etc. You say you have family and friends who are very supportive. Do you feel you can speak to them openly, without feeling judged by them?

Dear Karma,

good you’re surrounded with people who support you and understand you… that’s a very valuable resource.

i wish i would get someone in my life who will love me.

There was a reason why you stayed with B for such a long time, tolerating his neglect and lesser treatment, pleading for his love and care. It usually happens when we don’t love and respect ourselves enough. How much do you love yourself?

Dear Karma,

I don’t love myself. Especially all the wrong things that B said to me after our breakup, i hate myself.

His accusations fell on fertile ground, because you already didn’t love yourself to begin with, and then when he told you all those nasty things, e.g. accusing you of destroying his life, you believed it. And now you love yourself even less…

Sometimes i feel that maybe it was my mistake that we are not together, maybe I didn’t love him that much to make him stay.

Yes, we usually blame ourselves for not being good enough. We think something like: had we been good enough (loving enough, tolerant enough, understanding enough), our partner wouldn’t have treated us badly, and wouldn’t have left us. That’s false thinking.

Is this thinking – that you’re not good enough – familiar to you? And when did it start?

Dear Karma,

how about your childhood and youth? Did you feel good enough then? Were you criticized? How did you feel about yourself before you met him?