Dear Gaia:

“about being seen, heard and basically acknowledged is what hit me the most”- let’s do it here, on your thread: I want to see you and hear you, I want to understand you well. Sure, I can’t see how you look like or hear your voice, but I can read your words, see and hear you through the words you type here.

Every time you post to me, I will reply. If you post and I am at the computer but did not reply to you on the same day, it means that I am not aware that you submitted that recent post (It often happens that a person submits a post but his/ her name does not appear on the list of topics page).

When you post and I reply, next it is your choice to post again that same day, a week from then or not at all. It is up to you. What I will do is reply every time you do choose to post.

If you are willing, then share anything at all, thoughts, feelings,  motivations, dreams, hopes, as well as your day to day life, and more. Sometimes I will misunderstand you. When that happens, let me know what it is that I misunderstood and explain it to me. You can express here your anger but do not express aggression at me. Be honest here, with me. I will not punish you for being honest, I will not reject you for being honest- you are safe with me here, in the context of this thread.

Share anything, anytime. At times I will ask you questions so to understand better. How do you feel about being asked questions- what kinds of questions do you not want to be asked?

I will be mostly away from the computer for the rest of the day (may post a short message here or there in a thread or two) and will be back at length in about 18 hours from now.

anita

Dear Gaia:

I don’t think anyone is 100% honest all the time. I will give you an example: I am often asked the question: “How are you?” and I answer “fine” even when I don’t feel fine. Or I am asked: “What are you thinking?”- If I choose to answer, I may pick what I thought five minutes ago, not just when asked.

We don’t owe anyone to confess our feelings and thoughts- these are our private business, we own our thoughts and feelings, so they are ours and we choose what to share with whom.

When I say “fine” when asked how I am doing, I mean good enough, or nothing-that-I-want- to discuss. And when asked what I am thinking, the 100% honest question would be: none of your business. But I don’t want to appear rude.

So I am not 100% honest and I don’t expect you to be that.

About shame and embarrassment- I still feel shame about certain things I’ve done in the past and will not share about them, but mostly because I already worked through these things and don’t need input from others regarding those things. Still, what I am saying to you is that I am not a saint, I probably did things as embarrassing and maybe way more embarrassing than you did or experienced.

About not being liked- I already like you, for the first time while reading your very recent post. I just realized it. And the reason is because I  understand you a little better now, that you too, like me (and like anyone else) worry about not being liked.

Regarding appearing “unwillingly aggressive”- don’t worry about it. Again I was plenty angry and aggressive for many  years. What I meant by the comment to you in my last post is- don’t be aggressive toward me, as in calling me names, saying “f** you” to me and so forth. I think you can’t be aggressive to me these ways and not know that you are, so don’t worry, if you can.

One more thing: any question I ask you is not about getting private information from you and enjoying it in a creepy kind of way, nor do I want details that anyone reading these posts (on this public forum) may enjoy in a creepy way. So share what you want to share in general terms when the details are too embarrassing, I will probably be able to fill the blanks.

anita

Dear Gaia:

You are welcome. Yes, we do have a lot in common (I am glad you read your older threads).

“Do you feel it’s more easy now to build relationships with other? If yes what caused the change?”-

– it is difficult for me to answer this question because for one, I am so much older than you and what I refer to as my healing-process started in 2011 (my first quality psychotherapy) when I was way older than you already. There is a huge difference in social needs and circumstances between a 21 year old young woman and an older woman in her 50s: at this point in my life I am not attending school with people my age, I am not in the work place with co- workers around, I am not a parent making friends with other parents, I am not looking for a partner in life- dating and going out to meet people, and people my age (50s) are way less eager to make friends than teenagers are, or people in their twenties.

Having stated all that, I did make one relationship work and it is a healthy relationship, the one with my husband whom I married later in life, right before I started my first quality psychotherapy. The relationship was in trouble right at the beginning, this is why I attended that therapy I mentioned. It took a whole lot of work and time, and I made it, it happened and is happening.

“What caused the change?”- (the change being from my inability to form and maintain a healthy, close relationship to the ability to do so)- it is impossible to answer this question in one post, but over time it is possible.

I will start somewhere then, I will start with that “intense cringiness” you mentioned in your recent post, and with the following words (italicized by me) in what you shared previously: “I dread spending time alone with her”, “I have this repulsive feeling at the idea she might try to do deep conversations or inquire about me”, “I resent her for making me less carefree”, that her behavior “instilled a certain anxiety or heaviness in me”-

– the cringiness, the dread, the repulsive feeling, the resentment, the anxiety, the heaviness- all these have been your emotional experience with your mother and they were my emotional experience with my mother.

I experienced these same things with everyone throughout the decades of my life, same experience. This is why a close, healthy relationship (with a good and capable man) was not possible for me. I spent most of my life alone and lonely, daydreaming to music, imagining a love story I  never had in real life.

I kept cringing, kept dreading.. all those things when with other people and that experience didn’t change when I married later in life, 2011. My change started in March 2011 with my first quality psychotherapy. It continued with ending all contact with my mother: the last time I spent time in her physical presence was May 2011 (we live in different countries),  and the last time I talked to her was May 2013. The change aka my healing process continued as I started my massive, daily participation in this website since May 2015.

This healing process results in the gradual change of that reactivated-same-old-same-old-emotional experience with my mother –>  a different emotional experience: from dread to relative safety, from anxiety to increasing calm, from heaviness to a bit of lightness and a touch joy from time to time. There is contentment in finally trusting a person, and in finally perceiving myself as a good and trustworthy person.

The fragmented identity of before, being so confused and alarmed by my own behavior, feeling like a stranger to myself, unpredictable and impossible to understand, experiencing life from the outside, as if viewing a movie- that is gone now, completely (what a relief this is!)

I am finally living my own life, my way. (Finally, I have a solid identity).

anita

Dear Gaia:

I do  want to read more about your case, your story. Your story is far from being the same as mine.

What happened when you shared private things with her- what was the topic of those private things and how did she respond to you?

anita