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My fiancé cheated. How can we mend our relationship?

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • July 11, 2019 at 2:02 am #302863
    Kathy
    Participant

    I’m in a relationship with my fiancé, and I currently found out that he’s been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was distraught none the less. I understand what he did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with his. So I’m willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over nine years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful, and he caught me cheating. he forgave me for what I’ve done to her, and since then, I been entirely faithful. I’m worried about our relationship and want to move forward, but it been very unsettling. All I can think about is his with another woman. I don’t know why people cheat in relationships? I don’t know what to do or where to go for advice? Please give me right suggestions.

    July 11, 2019 at 2:35 am #302871
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Kathy,

    Your fiance forgave you when you cheated and now you want to forgive him.  You also have a son together so you have an added reason to be together.  Why do people cheat?  Countless reasons.  Forget the rest – why has your fiance cheated?  You need to sit down and talk this through.

    This affair has threatened your relationship (unsettled you)  – your relationship was already under threat for cheating to have happened.  Find out why and work on making improvements (this takes both of you).  You may need couples counselling to help resolve this.

    Good Luck

    Peggy

    July 11, 2019 at 7:43 am #302903
    Mark
    Participant

    Kathy, you did not tell us how you found out that he cheated. In order to forgive somebody they have to take ownership of the transgression. They also have to prove that they won’t do it again.  I do not believe in forgiveness until the other person takes ownership and get some sort of reassurance that they won’t do it again. In order to ascertain that as Peggy said you have to know why he decided to cheat.

    Mark

    July 12, 2019 at 5:34 am #303017
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Kathy,

    Here is the most important immediate factor: Have the wedding invitations been sent out?

    I’m not minimizing the cheating, but once the invitations have been sent out, 100 people upend their schedule, book flights, buy what’s in the registry, your parents perhaps have booked the venue, etc., etc., etc. In short, one additional incentive to work things out.

    If, however, you’re merely “engaged” (without a ring, without a date, “engaged” for several years), then I have a very different answer for you. It’s been nine years. You have a son. If you don’t get married now, nothing will change. If you break up with him for a year, nothing will have changed.

    I do, in fact, encourage you to dump him for bad behavior. Yes, he could have dumped you long ago. He didn’t. Tell him this break up (or break, it sounds like) is good for both of you.

    Best,

    Inky

    July 16, 2019 at 9:24 am #303575
    Nikki
    Participant

    Hi Kathy,

    Cheating is very complex, and can happen for many reasons. Like what Mark and Peggy said, the reason behind the cheating is important. Were you both not as sexually active, is he not interested in you, do you need to liven things up? Is he searching for intimacy?

    The reason why will determine more of what you should do. For example, maybe he was not expressing his needs, and made a bad decision to fulfill them elsewhere, but you can now talk it through and figure out how to satisfy his needs.

    However, if he feels that he cannot find sexual satisfaction in your relationship, it does not matter if you can forgive him if he will have the urge to cheat again.

    Hope this helps.

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