Dear Miyoid

Gosh what venom you are poisoning yourself with. No one owns yoga ( people have tried to patent it to no avail).

Hopefully yoga will transform this frenemy and she will embrace the spiritual aspect to grow into a kind & loving being & someone you would be proud to call a friend.

Dear Miyoid

You are right the only person we have direct power over is ourselves, but this does not stop us wishing the best outcome for others.

Many years ago I read a book by Valerie Mason John “Detox your Heart” I and others in our group have found it insightful.

I have never come across the phrase streaks in conjunction with Yoga. I would be grateful if you could explain it.

Best wishes

Roberta

This is some good reflection you’ve done miyoid. I think this is someone you could learn a lot from.

I think that she is a bit overvalued, glorified, and thanks to this overvaluing, she is a bit selfish, ignorant and felt like she was better than everyone else.

From my experience and in my opinion, when we have opinions of others in this way says more about the person having the opinions. We often criticize in others what we dislike in ourselves and I feel like you think because you are more spiritual than your friend that you are better. In a sense you are overvaluing yourself (and specifically your spirituality) when compared to her.

I’ve found when I am comparing or criticizing they often have something that I lack that I want for myself. Fitness or nothingness being notable attributes. Does this person have things that you wish you had?

You mentioned this person is well loved, is that something you want to be?

Do you talk to this friend much? I’d consider being vulnerable with her. You may find out that she might think less of herself than you think. Likewise, there may be things about yourself that she desires to be. She may want to be spiritually like you. She may not be, but I guess I’m trying to encourage you to not make assumptions and try and connect and understand her more deeply. Why makes her value her physical appearance more? Her answer might surprise you.

Why do you focus on your spirituality? Yes to overcome your anxiety, childhood, etc. but there are a lot of mask those feelings (drugs, alcohol, ignorance of the problem). Why do you want to be better?

With all of this, there might be a bit of unfairness you are feeling towards this person, especially if they have things you want and the fact that you’ve gone through some hard times. I’ve had to deal with this myself. Some people seem like they have it so easy and have everything I want! Life is unfair like this and there are a lot of feelings we must accept and process due to this fact.

“Heaven above, Heaven below, Stars above, stars below, All that is over, under shall show. Happy thou who the riddle readest” – Tabula Smaragdina

Yoga a practice of the above and below, all connected, everyone one, everything belongs, we are enough, thier is enough.
Be still and know that I am…

Movement is time, Stillness eternity. “Movement is what creates life, Stillness is what creates love; To be still yet still moving That is everything” -Do Hyun Choe

All movement all breath arises from and returns to stillness,
All movement all breath arises from and returns to eternity,
All movement all breath arises from and returns to Love.
This is the practice.
Be still and know that I am… stillness… eternity, Love…

Yet it is said nothing arises, nothing ceases, nothing is attained.  Their is only the still point..

This is the riddle and the practice. 

Dear Arden:

The first time we communicated was on June 7, 2019,  4 years and three months ago (in 2 days), and our last exchange was in Feb-March this year. I want to respond to this thread, your sixth (and first under your new screen name). This will be a very long post, so please take your time reading it, maybe over a few days. (Italicized quotes are quotes from your 6th, current thread. Italicized and boldfaced quotes are quotes from your previous threads).

“I’ve started doing yoga years and years ago…  in the last 2-3 years, it has been a part of my life… In the..  20ish years, (I) went on with my yoga and it helped me a lot, overcoming my anxiety and all the worries with my exercises that I do at home, also breathing techniques I have learned from yoga. It kept me sane to sum it up, I am thankful and will always have yoga in my life“- yoga has been a part of your life for a long time. It helped you when nothing (and no one) else did.

“I’ve done like 90-150 days streaks where I went on each day with it and count it on my journals… When it’s like a streak and you’re doing it every day no matter what, you make it for the sake of streak, not the yoga. You are not always in the condition or in the mindset that you will enjoy it“-

The streaks of yoga (I’ll call it SOY, if I may, for Streaks Of Yoga)-  just the way you did it, in your particular, personal way, for your own personal reasons, for your own personal purpose, working hard at it no matter how you felt (when you didn’t enjoy it, you kept doing it anyway)-  has been your thing, your personal expression.

“There comes my reason for this post, I have a frenemy…  she is a bit overvalued, glorified, and thanks to this overvaluing, she is a bit selfish, ignorant and felt like she was better than everyone else. She doesn’t put the work in it but also expects to be better in anyways.. she is liked/ loved a lot.. she had a target, to be able to be seen sexy… she told me that she’ll do streaks like me. I didn’t like this idea. I felt like, why don’t you go on with your on-point exercises making your body sexier and not my beloved streaks?“-

– this woman who has so much (she is liked and loved a lot, overvalued by herself and by others) wanted to take away from you the one thing that belongs to you: SOY. She wanted to make it her own: to do it not for her sanity, but so to attract men.

“I am trying to understand why I am doing this gate-keeping on yoga since it’s not my thing to begin with… (I) always wanted my genuine friends to try it since I  know that it is good for both mental and physical health.. But this specific friend made me feel bad about it“- gate keeping means (online definition) to control access to something. Yoga does not belong to you, but SOY does belong to you: it’s your own, personal, individual expression.

You didn’t mind sharing it with people whom you believed could benefit from it, but this woman, this frenemy, as you refer to her, already has SO MUCH. Why does she want to take away from you the one thing that is yours?

– Is this your thinking, Arden?

“I am more interested in changing myself so that I won’t feel this way about yoga and her. This state of mind bothered me and I am trying to change it. At least, I am trying to identify which parts of toxicity here belongs with me and not her, and as I identify that, I can maybe change it“- I don’t see it as toxicity. What I see- based on our years-long communication- is a person who has had a weak sense of self, a weak identity for too long. This other woman has a strong sense of identity (however flawed): she thinks very highly of herself, and this is something that you don’t have, but wish you did.

“What I yearn for is to be a bit more careless, a bit more relaxed. I am not like a stressful person, I just know my limits, I act careful to the loved ones, I try not to bother anyone and also take care of myself at all times. But I don’t think she cares at all about any of those details“- she expects good things to happen to her without even working hard. You never had that expectation. She EXPRESSES herself, not fearing that doing so will bother others. You SUPPRESS yourself, fearing that expressing yourself will bother others.

On May 3, 2022, you wrote: “‘I act responsibly and try not to do mistakes and think of every situation beforehand… I feel like it’s just not fair. And sometimes I cannot get over this feeling. I would want to be more careless about everything“- it takes a strong sense of self to act carefree, to trust your identity to be strong enough and solid enough to not fall apart if you are careless.

“I really want to work on my ego that has created the rivalry here“- an online simple definition of ego: a person’s sense of self esteem or self importance.

How does one get to feel important enough to express oneself freely? A young child naturally expresses herself or himself freely.. for as long as there is love to depend on. But like you stated in the opening of your second thread on June 22, 2019: “I’ve had a childhood where I simply didn’t receive any love from my dad and moms love was a bit unpredictable, exists and then disappears“. You had no love to depend on, and as a result, you stopped expressing. Instead, you suppressed yourself, being very careful, not at all carefree.

* In regard to your mother’s love, it was significantly inadequate: “She has an extreme empathy towards animals and innocent people. But then again, when I try to talk about a huge problem in my little world, it’s not relatable for her. That was always the case“, notice: that was always the case.

When as an adult, you’ve received love/ affection, you were afraid of losing it at any time,  can’t depend on it: “I always worry about losing that affection I guess, or that person” (June 2019).

There are terms that fit me and they fit you too, I believe, although we both made individual improvements recently, I believe): a diminished sense of self/ a poorly developed sense of self/ a weak identity. When a child cannot depend on love/ emotional support- when such is absent or significantly inadequate and too unpredictable-  the child’s emotional/ mental development is arrested: it does not develop.

The following is taken from a spiritual website, lone wolf. com/ sense of self/ 18 signs you have a poorly developed sense of self (in parentheses are quotes from what you shared in  past years)  *Losing your sense of self in romantic relationships….   *Codependent tendencies  * Aimlessness and difficulty setting goals. * Not knowing what to do with your life… * Feeling lost in life (“ I haven’t got a clue about what I want in life and in a person/relationship“, June 2019)..* Empathy overload- empathizing too much with others that you lose yourself. (“I cannot rationalize having anger towards (unloving parents) and I don’t feel any. Actually, I feel sorry for them, I feel compassion and mercy. I wish I could’ve made their lives better“, July 2020) * Social anxiety- feeling overwhelmed by others because you don’t have a solid identity… *Chronic low-grade intense anxiety- due to not feeling at ‘home’ within yourself because you have a weak sense of self…

* The tendency to be taken advantage of by others (“I thought I was never ‘loved’ and when I finally get the love I need, I’ll get better. Because of this mindset, my first two long-term (1.5 years each) relationships were totally illusions. They both kind-of used me and I thought that I was ‘loved’ in some sense“). * Living another person’s definition of ‘happy’ and ‘success (“I have no idea what would make me happy, I’m just programmed in a way to seek success and since I don’t know how to seek it, and where to seek it; I’m stuck in between projects or stuff like that and I cannot ever feel satisfied with. So don’t know where I’ll go, don’t know where I’m standing“, Oct 2020)

* Disconnection from your true needs, desires, and dreams. (“I cannot dream properly, I cannot make plans“, Oct 2020). *Feelings of emptiness inside” (“Even though I was depressed (as a child), I could motivate myself from time to time to hold on, study… I thought it can get better once I get to a good university, then.. Some people would like me, I’ll find someone to be companions with.. and I’ll feel safe, eventually. All of these happened, the university has come to an end as well. But that mental abyss kept growing“, Oct 2020).<br class=”x_ContentPasted6″ aria-hidden=”true” />
<p class=”x_ContentPasted2 x_ContentPasted85″>On Oct 25, 2020, I wrote to you: “What happens to a child who.. ‘simply didn’t receive any love’… ?.. Waiting, distracting and achieving, she never gets the affection and safety she desperately needs, she is never able to relax long enough so to experience life as an adventure; she doesn’t get the opportunity to learn about herself, about what she needs. She has no ‘clue about what (she) wants in life and in a person/ relationship‘, she has ‘no idea what would make (her) happy‘..  Waiting, she is frozen in time, frozen in the craving for affection…”.</p>
<p class=”x_ContentPasted2″>On July 6, 2021, I wrote to you: ” For a child, a consistent-enough loving attention is like a solid ground that makes it possible for the child to stand up and walk around. A severely inconsistent loving attention is like a very shaky ground, making it too scary for the child to stand up and walk around for fear of falling down”.</p>
<p class=”x_ContentPasted2″>On Dec 23, 2020, I wrote to you: “Earlier this month, you shared that when you were 13-15, you spent a lot of time alone in your room, doing stuff on the computer… What happens to a child who is alone for too long- she closes in… I don’t see your anger/ jealousy regarding this friend/rival as an ‘ego problem’. I see it as a consequence of being alone and lonely for too long, carrying within you this unsatisfied natural longing to connect with others and experience life with others, connected, interacting.. no longer alone”- I don’t remember what friend we were discussing at the time, almost 3 years ago, maybe it’s the same one you shared about in your current thread. Regardless, the jealousy is probably similar or the same: envying those who did not get frozen in time, those who developed and grew to experience life way more fully than you or I ever got the opportunity to experience.</p>
You are only 25, Arden, so very young in objective terms. It is possible for you, I know it is, to develop much of your frozen self, to strengthen your identity, and to trust it to be strong and solid-enough to allow you to be carefree-enough to walk around and even run on (figurative) solid ground, to explore and experience life in ways you did not dare before.

anita