Dear Lindsey:

I hope the movie night yesterday was a good time for you and that the dog wasn’t a problem?

anita

Dear Lindsey:

Best would be if the two of you were calm, but the two of you being nervous means you understand each other, have a … sort of nervous meeting of the minds. Having this in common you can take each other’s hand and slowly proceed, carefully, no rushing. Talk even more than you talked so far, all through, proceed together, as a team, figuring out what to do now, what not to do, what tomorrow may be like.

One day/ one evening at a time. Neither one of you want to mess it up because of rushing and getting frenzied.

anita

Dear Linsey:

Keep hiding that anxiety from K by not sending him too many texts, Your anxiety is not something he can help you with at this point. You have to control your behavior when you are anxious, around 3- 4 pm and otherwise. It is not so bad that you reread texts,  it by itself doesn’t hurt this beginning relationship with K. Don’t send him an excess numbers of texts or distressing texts.

What about that Friday therapy you had scheduled, you should be talking there about ways to manage and reduce your anxiety!

* I will be away from the computer for a while.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

It is exciting, reading that it is going to move past friendship! Exciting means increased anxiety because excitement is an excitation of nerve cells, and so is fear. So this may very well be why you feel more anxious. Don’t be alarmed, everyone gets anxious, the key is to manage it and you’ve been doing a good job at it, so keep at it.

When you  feel more anxious, afternoons, take a hot bath,a fast walk outside and then a cold shower, whatever calms you down, listen to calming music or… a rerun of what is it called, yes, game of thrones. This is what my psychotherapist at the time taught me so to manage anxiety, distract by doing things that are not harmful, like those that I suggested.

When you see him, if you feel anxious right there and then, you can tell him that you feel anxious but don’t elaborate, just let him if  sharing that makes you feel better, but do not go on about it, just mention it. And as you do, you can suggest that distracting hot bath or cold shower… no, no, that would be too soon! (lol)

anita

Dear Lindsey:

Like I wrote, I think it is okay to share a bit about your anxiety, just not a whole lot and most importantly, share about it in a calm way, meaning, as you share a bit, make it so that he can see (and you can too) that you are in reasonable control of yourself.

If you shared going on and on and on, that shows a disturbing lack of self control or awareness. If you shared some and then waiting, giving him a chance to respond, that shows you are in control and aware, aware that you are having a conversation, for one, not a monologue.

As you share- just a bit (more later, perhaps, after his response)- about any of your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, do so in a calm enough, strong voice, so that he can see (and so can you) that you are not only weak and vulnerable, you are also strong and capable.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

“I’ve honestly never spent time with a man who was not in a hurry to move things forward and who seemed interested in talking and getting to know me really well. I’m not quite sure how to take all of this”- take it well because it is about time this happens in your life, for crying out loud!

I mean, someone who is interested in talking and getting to know you really well, there is only one way to take it- it being a good thing. And to take it slow- that is a good thing for him and even better for you!

anita

Dear Lindsey:

My suggestion is that you sit down when alone and not distracted and take a few slow deep breaths and say to yourself: this beginning relationship with K may end at any time. Often beginning relationships do end, and this might end as well.

Take a few more slow, deep breaths, and repeat this, letting each word sink in.

Get to the realistic state of mind of accepting that statistically romantic relationships, that most end at the beginning stages, that it is so for everyone. Therefore this is very much a possibility.

Try that and let me know how you feel?

anita

Dear Lindsey:

I think you are getting so upset because you are afraid a good thing you hope to happen will not happen, and also, maybe you are angry at yourself, blaming yourself for things not working out for you?

anita