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NEED ADVISE ON HOW TO CONVINCE MY FATHER

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 months ago.

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  • #297941

    dodhia
    Participant

    Dear all,

    I come from an indian background and so does my boyfriend. He is amazing, he has a good job , he earns well, he is kind and smart . Basically everything a girl would want.

    I want to marry him, but my father being orthodox claims that I cannot marry him because he is not from the same caste and not as rich as us . But in reality my boyfriend and us have the same social status.

    Let’s say I am a Jain and he is a Patel (caste) .

    Our religions differ just slightly but at the end we are both Indians.

    My father , has threatened me that if I continue to date him or get married to him he will disown me and kick me out of the house.

    My father said that my boyfriend lives in a rented apartment and not his own. So that makes him poor and makes us richer.

    I dont know what to do, being kicked out of house is a Taboo in the indian society.

    I really need your help on how I should convince my parents, they are just too against it (me marrying my boyfriend).

    I am the only child and I just can not walk out of their lives.

    My father and I have never been close, and i am so afraid of confronting him and telling him that I love him my boyfriend and i want to marry him.

    I really need advise on how to tell and confront my orthodox father .

    Please someone help me.

    #297979

    McCloud Antonov
    Participant

    Dear  Dodhia,

    Based on your article its well clear but one thing you need to do is by STUDY THE CASE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP again why is your biological father rejecting this young man from marrying you. How long have been with this young man?  As in the course of your courtship ?? ? As per your father disagreeing with you and he had warn you about your boyfriend! !!! Use inside the mirror ! I mean try to forgive yourselves first since you said in your post ,,,  you ain’t close to your father.  Can you glance at anyone who is a friend to your father to convince him!  Therefore he/she will be your meditator or called it go between.

    Otherwise there is this thing which is common to all human ,,, when you are rich,  then your daughter must be marriage by the rich man.

    Nevertheless,  don’t try to force yourself in this relationship when your parents rejected your boyfriend that you had choose. If you do so than you will be like a drowning man that no one to catch his arm in the water.  There is a reason why your dad doesn’t want this man.

    Can you try to give us a list of how your dad doesn’t want this marriage to go a head.

    I will be glad to see you have when you do what is necessary that I had put here.

    IAll the best.

    Gregory

    #297985

    dodhia
    Participant

    He has threatened that he will hurt the man Iove and there is no one he listens to in this world. He listens to himself only

     

    I know this boy for more than 4 years and I am old enough to know who I want to spend my life with. I just need to know how to convince a stubborn estranged father for marriage.

    He thinks this boy is not rich and wants to marry me for my money which is not true at all

    #297993

    anita
    Participant

    Dear dodhia:

    I don’t see how you can convince your father because as you wrote, “My father and I have never been close”. Reads to me that even if your boyfriend owns a home and no longer lives in a rented apartment, your father has other reasons to object the union, different castes, somewhat different religion … and he might bring up new reasons if he needs to.

    You wrote: “My father, has threatened me that if I continue to date him or get married to him he will disown me and kick me out of the house… He has threatened that he will hurt the man I love and there is no one he listens to in this world. He listens to himself only”-

    – I don’t see how you can possibly convince him. “He listens to himself only”- maybe if you arranged for him to receive a great amount of money, maybe he will reconsider, because lots of people will listen to money. If you had the money, of course, you could say: look father, look here, 1 million dollars. You can have this money if you agree to the union. That may work. If not, 10 million dollars..?

    You wrote: “I am the only child and I just can not walk out of their lives”-

    – you are your father’s only child and he can kick you out of the house and disown you. He said so.

    Maybe it is not such a bad thing that he disowns you, if you can see to it that he doesn’t carry his threat to hurt your boyfriend/ perhaps future husband?

    anita

    #297995

    dodhia
    Participant

    So you suggest I leave the house? If my father says that

    Cause I am going to try and convince him one last time tomorrow for allowing me to marry him.. But I am afraid he will say get out of my house if you want to marry that boy..

    The one thing I am worried that once I am kicked out of my house.. Who will take care of my mother.. My dad has always been a mean person to her..

    And society will disgrace me.. For leaving my parents for a boy I love. That means I chose my love over my parents.

    #297997

    dodhia
    Participant

    And anita, what you said about money. I wish I could give him.. But I can’t.. Cause i dont even have that much! Haha

    #298001

    anita
    Participant

    Dear dodhia:

    I understand, the Haha about the money.

    I wish the rest of the story was Haha as well. Unfortunately, you are in a difficult situation with no possible easy solution. It will be easier maybe to obey your father, but how will your life be, marrying someone he wants you to marry, someone he will choose for you.. how will that be like for you…

    I understand that society will indeed disgrace you, “For leaving my parents for a boy I love. That means I chose my love over my parents”-

    – society,  like your father, value power over love. Your father exercises power over you when he threatens you with expulsion from the home and physically hurting your boyfriend.

    In regards to your mother, you wrote that your father has always been mean to her (he is a mean kind of a person, isn’t he)- if you obeyed your father, he would still be mean to her, wouldn’t he? I  mean you will not be rescuing your mother from his meanness. After all, he was mean to her when you were a baby and a young child- and you surely did obey him completely at that time.

    What if you do escape your father’s meanness and domination and join your boyfriend in an adventure, the two of you escaping the society that will condemn you and live elsewhere, far away, untouched by your father and his society?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #298009

    dodhia
    Participant

    What if you do escape your father’s meanness and domination and join your boyfriend in an adventure, the two of you escaping the society that will condemn you and live elsewhere, far away, untouched by your father and his society?

    I wish this was possible.. But some circumstances won’t allow us to leave the country we are in. Though we can in the coming years

    Unfortunately, you are in a difficult situation with no possible easy solution. It will be easier maybe to obey your father, but how will your life be, marrying someone he wants you to marry, someone he will choose for you.. how will that be like for you…

    See that is what I can’t do.. I can’t marry someone else.. If my father had valid reasons for the boy. I would have considered leaving him.. But he isn’t anything my father says he is.. Everyone else who knows about me and my boyfriend.. Loves him as a an amazing human being.. It’s just my father who can’t see it..

    You have a very true and valid point that even if I stay home, my dad will never change or be nice to my mom.. It just hurts so bad to see. A father do all these things.. I wonder whyy..

    In 25 years of my life I have not spoken to him for more than 5 minutes.. But tomorrow I am going to confront him.. And try to convince him.. Do you think i should do that anita?

    #298011

    anita
    Participant

    Dear dodhia:

    No, I don’t think you should confront him. I don’t think you should obey him but I don’t think you should confront him either because you will lose the confrontation- he has too much experience being mean and winning confrontations, and he  is not shy of making physical threats to win a confrontation.

    In other words, I am afraid for your physical safety. But even if your father will not harm you physically (because it will look bad in society, what will people say about him if he physically harms his own daughter..)- he will win and you will be defeated and exhausted. Nothing good can come out of a confrontation for you, not now and not in the future.

    “some circumstances won’t allow us to leave the country we are in. Though we can in the coming years”- is it possible for you and your boyfriend to move to another part of the country you are in, far away from your father, without your father knowing your future address, and then, after a few years move to another country?

    anita

     

    #298109

    Mark
    Participant

    dodhia

    If you decide to marry this man then perhaps you can do this in steps. You can move out of your fathers place and live on your own for a while. You still can continue to see this person who you want to marry but not marry him yet. This way you can continue have a relationship and have this engagement period. This will also help you learn to become more independent. You won’t be under the thumb of your father and you can create your own sense of self while living on your own.

     

    Mark

    #298123

    dodhia
    Participant

    I ended up talking to my father and things did not go that well

    He doesn’t care and told me.  If you want to get out you can.. For good and there is no way he will ever agree for me too marry him.

     

    That’s it

    #298129

    anita
    Participant

    Dear dodhia:

    What does “That’s it” mean?

    * I will be away from the computer for a while.

    anita

    #299581

    dodhia
    Participant

    That’s it , means I am lost now and I do not know what to do .

    #299605

    anita
    Participant

    Dear dodhia:

    If you live under the authority of a man (your father) who is unreasonable, will not consider your thoughts and feelings, insisting that you do as he says, otherwise he will kick you out of his house, a man who is mean to his wife (your mother) and to you, the thing to do is to escape his authority and move out and away.

    anita

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