Thank you, Anita,

All that he said when he was upset or he thinks it was a joke, etc.
He has done lots of good things too but when I re-think about these words, I have a question myself.

I’m healthy but get sick easier than others and I have had multiple surgeries (arthritis) he told me I’m a disabled person, and always have problems.
Not have to protect ourselves when we have intercourse.  he said you are too old and I do not have to worry about your pregnancy.
I’m crazy, need to go to a mental hospital.  you waste my time, I invest my time in you but you are nothing.
You have too many stains (brown spots) on my face.
You are selfish, and overreacting.
(He stays at his female friend’s house who is single and wants to be with him. – he said we are friends. I’m overreacting.
Share a hotel room with his best friend’s wife and daughter.  One bedroom only.)
Making plans by himself or with friends but not asking me.
He was working at his house with his son and I do not have anything to do.  So I decided to go home… then he was so upset and called me selfish again.  He thinks I should clean his room during he was working outside.
His mother was a bully to me but he doesn’t support me.  He told me enough to listen to my complaint about his mother.
Everyone bully by her (including himself) and I should ignore it.  Their rule or no rules.
I’m a bad mother that’s why my son become depressed (My son is okay now)
Last… a few years ago, he cheated on me with his ex-wife!
He did not want to go to counseling with me because he have done with it. his ex-wife and did not work it out.
He did not want to buy any jewelry because he spend lots of money on his ex wife.

Too many negative words during this relationship but not always.

Thank you, Anita.

I did not think he was emotionally, or verbally abusive to me until recently. I thought all my fault!
Yes, he doesn’t always say negative words to me but I know I should not reconcile with him.
When I started writing here, I was still not sure and I wanted to reconcile our relationship.
Since taking counseling and making a journal myself, I was thinking is this emotional and verbal abuse?? or my fault?

50% of me said forget about your belongings.  No need to contact him anymore.
50% of me said I should take all my belongings.  Some of them are valuable.  (Original Vinyl – which he may not return these to me though)
I’m thinking that contact him tomorrow night and if I can pick these up, if I still want to pick these up.
I still have time and I will let you know.

I’m so glad to tell you about him.  I was not smart enough to realized it was a type of abuse.
All I though was my fault.

Dear, Anita

Thank you so much again and I hope I do not interrupt your work or your daily routine.
Thank you for your kindness and support me.

99.9% I’m safe.  He won’t physically abuse me, he has never done.
verbally only.  So, I have to make sure I’m ready for it if he answers the phone and lets me pick up my belongings.
He may be upset and change his attitude when I ask him to return my vinyl.  Valuable and he wants to keep these.
I’m 100% sure his mother will be at home so, he should be okay.  I hope.

He won’t answer my phone or reply to his text if he doesn’t feel like it.
If so, I will ask him to ship my belongings.

I will let you know.
Thank you again for your kindness and support.

Good morning, Anita
It’s Friday and the weekend is coming.
Anyway, I called him this morning and he did not answer the phone.  I was going to send the text but I decided to wait for a day.
After a while, I received an email from him.
“It’s good to hear that you’re doing well. I didn’t think your situation was causing you so much pain. It’s hard to realize how things bring us to certain places. I see you reaching out and I’m not avoiding you but will call you when the time is right. Ok? Glad you’re doing better.”
I did not understand “your situation was causing you so much pain”, I think he meant to say himself.
So, now I cannot reconnect with him until he contacts me.  I know I could if I want to but if I do, he will be mad at me again.
This is what happened most of the time.  I used to push through it if I wanted to see or do it.  I no longer do this.
But again, I cannot get back my belongings for a while.  It could be a few days, a few weeks, or a few months.
Mentally, I can talk to him if he is normal but I do not want to hear any negative words from him anymore.  I’m broken and I cannot take anymore negative words from him.

I like to hear black/white answer which sometimes is good but sometimes not.
I read this email as he has no interest to reconcile with me so, why did not say it?  Move on, let it go.

I should not think that I cannot control.  So, I will relax during the weekend.
I wish I have a friend who can go out with me.
Thank you again Anita for your warm and kind support every day.
You may not know how much your daily message helps me every day.
If I know where you are, or I can meet you, I would love to give you huge hugs.

Hello again.

Thank you for the quick reply.
From my last email, he thinks I want to reconcile our relationship and that’s why he wants to have time to think and talk to me.
I could say no, and I have changed my mind, I do not want to reconcile our relationship so, give me back my belongings.
But if I do, he will get mad at me.  I’m pretty sure. and I do not have the energy or do not have strong emotions to handle him if he upset me and talking negative words to me again.

Only this reason, I decided to remain silent and not take any action.  I do want to close this chapter but again, I cannot take any more negative words from him.  Journal is help me but reminds me of what he said and how he said it to me.

I do not care about my clothes but I do care for my vinyl which is my father’s collection.
I wish I can hire someone and take care of this mess but all my fault.

Dear, Anita.

I was thinking about and processing your email.  I cannot do it and I wish I can do so.

I have a mental, and emotional breakdown now.

I received a phone call from his family member.  His family is very close to each other and one of his nieces and I became really good friends.  Since our breakup, she called me often but I did not answer her calls.  Not against her but did not feel like it.
She text me a few times and she wants to talk.  She did not say anything about our breakup issue.
This morning, I finally answer her calls which I regret but too late.
She told me what he said about me (through from his mother to other family member).  Also she was with his friends and his friend told me the another story of me too.

I told them I do not have any comment and thank you for calling me.
But if you want to talk about our relationship, please do not bother to call me.  I do not share my relationship with anyone.
Then I hung up.

It gave me final stub into my heart.
If this happen was before I started to take therapy, I would call him or send him text with my anger.
But, I took time to process what he said about me. Actually, I’m still processing.
I won’t hurt myself but made me think I wanted to disappeard from this life.
I was not a good person but I was not evil.  I’ve never say bad about him or pick on him.
I was selfish, but I’ve never vervlly harassing him.

I do not understand.  If he hate me or not reconcile our relationship with me why  he finish it?
pity me?

I thought I’m okay if his family member or his friends said about me because they are nothing to me.  but I was not okay.
Remind me when I was a little, people bully me, ignore me.

I’m so tired and I do not want to wake up for a while until everything is okay.

Sorry for writing negative feeling in this message.

well….
She (me) is selfish, self-centered, and has no kindness.  I (him) spend so much time and help to fix houses, not appreciation.
Bought a wood stove, and paid half of the firewood, no thanks either.  She is a taker.
She thinks she is smart but she is not.  I understand her ex’s feelings, who wants to spend time and life with her?
Always complain and negative words, every day.  Not healthy and always have health issues.
Complain, complain all the time.  she is crazy, psycho.
I know why she doesn’t have any friends, who want to be her friend?  She is not fun at all.  Waste a couple of years of my life with her.  Nagging and nonstop contact me.  I wish she is gone, go back to somewhere else, not here.
I was out of my mind why did I spend this much time with her?  I wish she disappeared from me now.  drive me crazy.
she is a b-witch and she was never nice and liked my mother.  Always complain about my mother.  She was not good enough for me and she is old (yes, a few months older than him).  She thinks she is pretty and looks young, but I bet she never sees the real mirror. she is okay.

I could write more but I will stop now.

I’ve never thought someone said this much about me behind my back.
I’m nothing.  I want to be invisible.  I did not know I was this much mean and nasty person.

Dear Anita

Thank you again for your message and thank you for sharing your free time with me.
I’m processing, thinking, and accepting the fact.
Same time, I found an unused container and packed all his clothes in the box, and took it to the basement, next to his 4 tires.

I want to talk more but I feel empty and hurt inside me.
Sorry, but I will close tonight.
Thank you again for your time and support every day.