Dear srk:

How would you live your life differently, if you could travel back in time?

anita

Dear srk:

Of these things you would do differently, having “a group of friends who would be supportive and nurturing”- that is the most difficult goal, as I see it. It takes not only your participation but these other people’s participation. Some people are not capable or willing or both, to stay. Nor should they necessarily stay in a friendship, no matter what.

You wrote: “When I head out and see a group of friends hanging out and laughing out loud I feel overwhelmingly sad”- I understand wanting connection, support, friendship, absolutely.

But notice: when you see a group of friends laughing out loud, you don’t know if they are laughing an hour from then. We tend to see something and assume it is always like that. Chances are someone in that group is paying a high price to … fit in, in that group, to feel the temporary together feeling that we all crave.

anita

Dear srk:

Looking at your questions in your recent post, I will attend to your questions.

“Not try to build relationships in my life?”- not a good idea. As social animals we are driven to build and maintain relationships. Our mental health is dependent on having at the least one good, healthy relationship.

“That I need to embrace things as is?” -no, you need at least one good, loving relationship. More, better.

Regarding the price people pay to fit in a group, to maintain a friendship that is not healthy- well, see to it that you don’t pay that price. Be selective, pay attention. You want “to be a part of other people’s lives”- see to it that your part in their life is a Win for them, and that their part in your life is a Win for you (Win-Win relationships).

You “want to open (yourself) up to others”- select the others, one at a time, individually, so that you open yourself up to something safe and good.

anita

Dear srk:

I believe so. If you attach yourself to the outcome of having a lasting friendship without getting to know a person, you will do anything for that outcome, and some of that anything will harm you. Get to know a person first, be cautious. See to it that you are true to yourself all through the process of making friends.

anita

You are welcome, srk.

anita

Hi srk,

Is it possible that friendships in your past faded quickly because you were not mindfully cultivating them? You said you are a workaholic who didn’t pay a lot of attention to your relationships in the past, and didn’t mind that. But now you do mind, and you’re paying attention. Maybe this awareness and desire to create concrete and genuine relationships is the first step in your journey toward finding them. I am a big believer that everything happens for a reason, and I would say not to focus on the past and what you could have done differently, because you will never be able to go back and change anything. But now you can focus on moving forward intentionally and opening yourself up to new possibilities and relationships. Acknowledging a problem in your life is the first step toward remedying it, and I think you’re off to a good start by thinking about what you are lacking in your life.

Also, the early 20s are a weird and inherently impermanent time. I am in my early 20s myself, and my situation and relationships change frequently. So try not to be too discouraged by people leaving and entering your life often, it does happen as people are on their own journeys. It won’t be that way forever. I hope this message helped, and even if it doesn’t you’ve been given some great advice already. I really enjoyed Mark’s attachment; I read it and it gave me some insight for myself, thanks Mark!

Best,

Jaclyn

Glad that article helped Jaclyn and srk.

Mark