Dear Anita,

Yes creating clarity for myself is important for things to sink and savor.  I present material/ideas/learning in a way that it can be absorbed for ME.

With all of the thoughts and rush of ideas, when I point things out in this way – they can stick.  I also am going back and reviewing a lot of what we wrote about – even back from the first posts! I know now that there are many things that stick out (which I will post about another day).  From now on, on this path, if I outline things clearly – they can be apart of the handbook of my re- learning which is co-authored by both of us.

Dear Anita,

What has occurred to me now, after our thorough conversation about the topic above, and my subsequent clear outline of the learning points above is this:

i can not process and think clearly when I am distracted by others.  I must MUST give my self permission to focus on ME (and my husband) and NO ONE ELSE.

Tell me Anita, isn’t this true.  And I must allow it – I must give myself permission.

Call it whatever I may – cocoon living – protecting my self.  It is not isolation – but I want to go back to it – I want to focus just on us.  I did for a while there, but I stopped giving myself permission – but I want to – I need to…

IT IS THE ONE MAIN OBSTRUCTION TO MY PEACE AND CLARITY!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Your last post after our mutual feeling of overwhelming-ness is pivotal. It is it’s own chapter in the book, highlighted and bookmarked. In fact it is it’s OWN book.

I want to take my time to go through it slowly as it is a difficult concept to process given the ridiculous ingrained teaching.

You wrote:

“and you value and invest in strangers whom you don’t know much about (and it doesn’t matter, according to this ridiculous teaching who they are, as long as they are …. not us)”

=value others, no matter who they are, as long as they are someone else.

So you’re walking down the shopping mall holding your mothers hand in awe of everyone that walks by – seeing wow look how nice he is, like how pretty she is, look how happy he is, look how lucky he is, look!

may sound innocent enough. But no. Look at them. Look at what they have – and as above also assuming things about others that are likely entirely untrue! Looking back at my life – most of these people were not what they seemed, as happy as they seemed, or content/“lucky”.

It was me glamourizing at every juncture. Just because they were someone else. Automatically. I’m going to Spain. Oh great. Oh WOW she’s going to France and her husband is taking her isn’t that INCREDIBLE! Yes, but aren’t you going to Europe too? Oh ya I am… entirely blind to this.

Now this concept was not hard to conceptualize as it is the first layer. And goes along well with the Disney world (TDW) example.

The next layer, which we uncovered over the last few days is much more complex. The value in others over ones self (including people that you include with yourself). It is multifactorial and so beyond the concept of “wanting what you can’t have” or grass is always greener.

1) I am used to attending to danger. Danger does not lie within me and my most loved ones. No. But Danger is pausing too long to focus on me. Because I must attend to danger.  It in fact is dangerous to just stick to me and us, thus I have to focus on them. In fact the Danger is not being one of them.

2) safety does not lie within me(us) it lies within them. So once again:

dangerous to be me/us = safety to be them.

Ill let this one sink in.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

• dangerous to be me/us= safety to be them
• escape danger (us) and seek safety (them)

This is so powerful it shakes my surroundings.  To overcome this will be victorious. 

It is safe to be me, it is the safest place in the world.  Me, myself, and my husband.

And I will live this…in time.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Happy Friday, I want to share something I wrote.

Dear Child,

A Narcissitic(N) mother’s emotional abuse.

Insidious is the perfect word. Disguised as love.

This is the most harmful aspect of it. As children in nature we have a basic human instinct to be bonded to our mother. This is without thought. For an NMom to take advantage of this innocent dedication and dependency – there could be “almost(not comparing)” no greater abuse.

Mother’s know that no one depends on them more than their own children. A young infant can not truly LIVE without his mother – without her nourishment. Humans and the wild.

So Imagine a baby Lion getting kicked daily after his feedings from the lioness. Allowed feedings on some days but not others, with no consistency. Sometimes finding that the lioness is nowhere to be found, and sometimes finding she is smothering.

Odd to think of it this way. And unlikely in nature. Yet this is what our mothers did. They took advantage of the innocent dependence of a young child and manipulated it to Feed their fragile narcissistic soul. A soul that can not be fed. And thus it was a bottomless pit. An endless cycle.

Moreover this abuse was disguised as love. Yes. And sure there were time where the mother did show “love and concern.” Motherly traits. But all to throw it back in our face years later. So by definition that is not true love. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. So If any positive behavior did emanate from her, it’s because it just so happened to.

She disguised her behavior as being good for us, for being caring, for being an exceptional mother. For being something special. They always do see themselves as elite and special, but also battered and hopeless.

There is nothing quite like emotional insidious abuse from a mother. No matter what the language, culture, socioeconomic status. The mother – child relationship is the same. No child should have to grow up with fear and inconsistency, the burden to appease their mother, with conditional love.

Unconditional love from a mother is not a prize. It is the standard.