Hello Anita,

Good morning and Happy Friday.

This week was my birthday – I am now 33 years old.  Oh how much I thought about you and our conversations during that day and this whole week.

I have observed so much – and instead of trying to take each fleeting thought as IS, I am trying my best to let them pass by.  As in, each feeling and emotion  is not in stone and definitive – they are just passing feelings. This is incredibly difficult to grasp, as in the moment it is hard for us (me) to feel that what I am feeling may not be indicative of “reality.”

I notice that my mother fed me lies.  I notice that her world was full of delusion.  But it did not appear so.  It appeared quite opposite– that her words were of truth, and that of honesty.  In fact, she made it a great point in her life to exclaim that she speaks truth and honesty – and others don’t.  That she is raw, open, and real — others are fake and keeping appearances.

So of course, I went about my life truly believing every little thing she said.  Whether it was about another person, location, or concept of life.  It infiltrates from concepts such as what kind of man is the “right” one to marry, to things such as what the ideal lipstick color is.  It infiltrates from concepts of what is the “best” way to travel, to concepts of what a “real” friendship should be.

And concepts such as the last one are the most harmful.  It is much easier to dismiss the tangible to say – oh my mother always preached that apples were better than oranges  – but I enjoy oranges.  Sure, easy to conceptualize and understand, and dismiss.  But what is much more difficult is the following:

-what makes a “good” friend

-what makes a “good” spouse

-what is fulfillment

-what is a good life

-what is happiness

And there I have it, the meat of the matter.

A short time ago I mentioned to you that when I was trying to climb and achieve more and more, it wasn’t necessarily to reach those tangible goals, it was to convince myself – and the mother voice – that I was good enough, or what I had was enough, etc.

I also realized, that this is akin to appeasing a bottomless pit, there will NEVER be enough…

Now I also will add, my mother (in her almighty godliness) also felt she knew the answers to the above: the definition of fulfillment, of what makes a good life, and most importantly – what defines happiness.

She was so FAR from having these things, or even understanding them, that she PREACHED day in and day out about what they were.  As though if I all I ever wanted was to get married, and so the farther I got away from a marriage prospect, the more I projected and preached what a good husband is, and what an amazing married life means.  And the more I did that – the farther I got from reality of actually gaining such a prospect.  An endless vicious cycle of projection and delusion.

So now you have this woman doing this, not just woman – MOTHER. With two young impressionable daughters nonetheless And there you have it – the perfect recipe for plugging false ideas and delusions into their brain.

No matter what they achieve or how intelligent or advanced they are, they were spoon fed delusion from birth, and so that is what will stick.

Our ideas of the world that were fed to us by our parents, are indoctrinated within us for life – we take them to be the godly truth. 

Well that is, unless you are like me (us) and see clearly – and are given the life long task of UNDOING these delusions.

Oh wow, I can not think of a greater task in the world…

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

My birthday is October 7 – when is yours?

One thing that your mother taught you is that fulfillment/ a good life/ happiness is over there. Not here, but there. But when you get over there, and there becomes here, the good life is still over there.

Yes, always chasing the there, what is not here.

Dear Anita,

July 18, what a lovely day to choose – I sure love summer, I will keep this in mind.

This got me thinking about the concept of birthdays – or birth days – as it signifies the day you were born.

But that gets lost, and birthdays become about parties, celebrations, and others.  It becomes less about you sometimes, and more about the group, the show, and the hype.

This was definitely me for a long time, until this year even.  Birthdays were all about big groups, and parties, lots of friends, sometimes even grand gestures.  Sure it was great – but looking back it feels quite narcissistic.  In some ways, it is a great way to spend quality time with friends – but in others it seems odd to make such a big deal about one day.

Well I guess in that case you can think like that about anything, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries.  As long as you keep in mind the reason you are celebrating it, and focus on the good, love, support, and relationships – then its great.

Like you said: the good life is about honest, affectionate, respectful relationships, starting over here, that is, within the family

On another note,

I wanted to share that I feel less triggered by my surroundings recently.  I notice this is because I stop and observe (or try to) before responding.

What I mean by triggered isn’t exactly what it sounds like – I mean, easily annoyed, irritated, etc.

I find that if I have the patience to observe and listen to another person, I am less likely to feel instantly annoyed.

I also find that often people are just talking out loud to their OWN self (we have touched on this before) and so it doesn’t really involve any input from me (other person).  This goes along with my increasing work on, staying silent, and not always having to interject and having something to say.  It is much more relaxing and peaceful.  It is not natural to me – as it is not my habit, but like all things -practice, and feel good patterns – will stick over time.

Another aspect of the triggered is that, I am trying my best not to absorb the emotions of others (when they are negative, complaining, anxious, etc).  I am trying my best to remember that this is an issue of that person, it isn’t something I am responsible for, nor sometimes even capable of helping.  I should focus more on listening and less on doing.

We also touched upon before, that whole concept (that made your head spin) about  the here versus there – and how I often didn’t value my husband (because we decided…he is here and not a threat and as valuable as something over there). I have started to see how delusional that is, and how blind! I have really valued him more and more each day – especially living with his parents who have taught him such good morals – as I spend time with them daily right now.  I find that over “there” these days is not even attractive, so much so that I don’t care too much to socialize and be involved with too many people during this time. (similar to right after i stopped talking to my mother, i called it a cocoon).  I see now that I am changing my priorities and focus and i have the liberty to do so – I am growing woman as are my priorities.  My life has been exhausting (at the least) over the last few years, and I don’t have to do anything I truly don’t want to.

Dear Anita,

Good morning – and you an inspiration to me as well – always!

You wrote: ” I felt empathy for the person’s pain and the compulsion to do say something ASAP to make his pain stop”

Yes, exactly! It is so nice to talk to someone who just gets it.  I feel the same often, and often it feels quite burdensome.  Now, I try to remind myself that this is self-inflicted.  Why is that hard to realize/process?

Well..because with our mothers it was not self-inflicted.  It was inflicted by them, onto us, for our entire life.  Overt, and covert. Overt is easier — “i am sad, make me happy.” covert is much more difficult and insidious — “oh if only i could find some joy in this world..sigh…”

So we Cali Chica and Anita – jump to this! oh mother, I wish you could find some joy too – let me help you – let me not rest until I find it for you….let me dedicate my life to this…let me make myself miserable doing this…let me wake up one day and feel defeated by this.

You know Anita, we carry a feeling of defeat and exhaustion that truly no one can understand.  YET, we still innately feel above, as you wrote, compelled to help ASAP! Isn’t it crazy how deep programming from our mothers run – that even at our lowest we jump into that mode, like an animal ready to attack even when wounded…

I guess we always were in survival mode, fight or flight…so it persists.  We don’t ALLOW ourselves to step back, observe, and just be.  It is not innate to us.

But, it may sound odd– reminding ourselves (and each other) of this incredible defeat and exhaustion is important.  It is not self-wallowing, no.   It may seem that way to an outsider with no experience with such a life.  No, it is in fact a reminder that we do need to sink and savor.

So yes, all we can do is try – and practice – to sit back – to observe – and we will find that often that brings out our best self.

Dear Anita,

I shall practice too – and as always keep this conversation in mind.   I will loop back with some thoughts from my practice (as practice can be in the smallest ways, even observing our own mind first – before others), and feel free to share yours as well!

Dear Anita,

the universe has aligned forces for me to practice this today more than ever. To be continued…I’ll write more about my day soon!

Dear Anita,

I slept on what I wrote to you and I thought about how possibly I did not explain myself well- as it is hard to put into words what I was trying to say.  I thought about how if an outsider read it, it would sound like I think myself higher and above others, and so I should not give advice. Which is untrue

But when I woke up today – I realized the meat of the matter.  It is that we are truly and utterly exhausted and defeated.  Yes, being on the path is a chance at a new life, and is hopeful.  Yes, we  have risen above.  But, wow what an incredible feat.  What an exhausting job to undo the old neuropathways  and patterns of your life literally day in and day out, and in almost every moment.

So if for nothing more, we must protect our precious energy.  Listen we must, to be good supporters, but to be protectors of our gentle spirit that allows us on the path.

Today I feel my spirit needs some extra nurturing and protection.  I wonder how you feel…

Speak more soon.