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  • #272001
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    My version of a cup of tea yesterday was red wine.

    Did you read my last  post to you, the one submitted Jan 1?

    anita

    #272205
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Good Morning! I have read your 1/1 post many times, and allowed it to sink and savor.  I have thought a lot about the concept of letting the dust settle.

    I am grateful for our conversations that led up to the New Year.  Although I know that you can always have a “fresh start” “new beginning” “awakening” at any time – it is nice when new awareness coincides with the advent of a New Year.

    I want to write more about your post this evening, I am off to the second day of my new job in NYC! It feels good, and many other things – look forward to sharing more soon

    #272209
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Write when you can, when you want to, when you have the time, not before. Anytime will be fine. I hope you enjoy your new job in NYC!, that you are present and alert.

    anita

    #272769
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    I hope the beginning of the new year has been treating you well. I have taken my time to reply as I wanted the dust the settle.
    >Often after an epiphany, great idea, or awakening there is a high. A euphoria a feeling of invincibility or just a plain “ah ha” moment.
    Yet, after the dust settles does this persist? What happens when the nights get cold, work gets hard, and it know longer feels new and glorious.
    “>Well that is when the reality of the change presents. Does the change persist – or is it backpeddled into old habits? Did procrastination take over? Does the epiphany even have value anymore?

    >In my case the understanding of my sister – and number 2 was this realization. This wasn’t a glorious jubilee. This is real life. This is the reality of the trauma, torment, and dysfunction that is my family. That is above all – my mother first- and all else that follows.

    >I will say Anita- it has been incredibly difficult. A huge setback. It feels as though we are back there when we were tackling number one. Anger. Resentment.  Harboring of negativity.

    “>Well it makes sense. As this is the second part. It must be attended to – and it’s not going to be pretty.
    >I know 100 percent that what we spoke about is true. And in fact I feel much better when I hardly communicate with my sister at all. The proof is in the pudding. So much of my interaction with her was based out of guilt, desperation, and obligation. Yes, the times we had “fun” were simply just breaks from dysfunction. No it’s not really ever fun. I don’t find her funny. I don’t enjoy her stories anymore. I am not guiding her path.
    I have let her free. Sure she will be in my life in some way. But NO where to the degree she was just a few weeks ago. She doesn’t fit. And neither do I. It simply does not work.

    >My husband and I have wounds from this number 2 as well – along with the plethora from number 1, the saga that is my parents. We have separate wounds he and I. And joint ones.
    >Or separate ones consist of his unwavering support of my family and sister, but it being a bottomless pit that keeps taking – an emotionally exhausting and deprecating way to live. Mine are – well that’s a whole other thing. Our joint ones – are anger. Resentment.
    >That we can travel all over the world and feel some semblance of “relaxation” and come back to what. To drama. Trauma. Ridiculousness.

    To come back to emotional exhaustion.

    >So yes we can heal and rebuild. But how many times? The ups and downs.

    My sleep is better than when I was very involved with my sister before the new year. It is not great and that will take time or perhaps will always be a struggle. It is better. Which I am glad about.
    >I worked very hard over the past few months to release negativity, anger, resentment, “snapping” irritability. It is a day in and day out project of awareness and patience. And I made progress. I did.
    “>Now I am back. I must start again. Because I feel just as I did before any progress.
    And that makes me even more frustrated. It sure does.
    >But I shall persist. So will my husband. But I am tired.  I am so so tired.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.
    #272823
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I wanted to re-read your New Years day post and comment.

    I have thought about the concept that others have their own distressing pathway. in fact there is a “friend” from college that now lives close to me here in nyc.  i have mentioned her before, as someone who is flakey and unreliable.  she is a fair weather friend, wonderful and all about you when convenient to her – no where to be found when its about her – everything is revolved around her life and schedule.

    well anyway since i’ve moved shes been pretty persistent about meeting up, but of course only when shes in the area, and her new bf is available.  she makes it a huge point that i have to meet him, a lot of which is that she wants to “show off” and show how happy she is – it feels.  i notice how she has her own distress.  moreover, i notice how i feel anxious and tense even if i get a text from her.  her distressing energy (although masked) does rub off – even via technology! i notice that before i would judge this about me.

    this time around, no matter how simple the plan – i feel toxicity from her end. even if it is a simple hello.  i don’t have space in my life for this – and so I know, like you stated, everyone has their own distress – and for now, or perhaps forever, when avoidable – i would like to stay away from that energy.

    when fear is so strong in us. We live in a frenzy and  dust disrupts our vision.

    yes, so well said.  dust disrupts our vision.  that is why it is even more important for the dust to settle. let i settle, so we may regain our vision, or at least see a little clearer after wiping some dust.

    you wrote:

    This is very common, parents criticizing their children, minor and adult, for all kinds of supposed character faults that really are the results, or consequences of their own actions. And we do criticize each other, other people for character faults that were born as unavoidable  consequences of their early experience, their parents’ actions.

    this helped me gain some perspective,  how true this is.  and how much more compassion I must have, for a loved one (my husband) when I see he does not see things the way I do innately.  His upbringing was ENTIRELY different from mine – and so his baseline approach and way of dealing with people and life is such.  I understand this, but I do not always respect this.

    Definitions are changing.  And it takes time.  Mostly the ingrained idea of he would she be our own self.  Self pressure.  But if we self trust, and see what our inner compass is telling us – we can learn a lot.  Do I need to be doing this right now? Do I need to be saying this right now? Do I need to be interacting with this person right now?

    Most often – the answer is NO – when you are in the healing phase.  That I must and will respect.

    #272831
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    When so tired as you are, think of the basics: there is  this one person, Cali Chica, in legal and somewhat  practical partnership with  this man, your husband. Both are working to save lives, witnessing people dying every day, knowing this will also happen to you. There will be no more you; When and How you don’t  know.

    Between now and then, why not make life as simple as possible.

    Why not eliminate  loyalties based  on genetics and base  loyalty instead,  on  win-win partnerships. Why not exit  old familial roles and  choose as  if you were a free  agent-

    why not be a free agent.

    anita

    * after submitting the  above I read your second recent post.

    #272841
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Wow, I am going to highlight key aspects from your last post here – so I can further savor it.

    • When so tired as you are, think of the basics: there is  this one person, Cali Chica, in legal and somewhat  practical partnership with  this man, your husband
    • Between now and then, why not make life as simple as possible.
    • Why not eliminate  loyalties based  on genetics and base  loyalty instead,  on  win-win partnerships
    • Why not exit  old familial roles and  choose as  if you were a free  agent-

    In essence, why don’t I let go of anything and anyone who does not serve me on this path – why not?

    #272843
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Yes, why not? Why not eliminate stupid loyalties? No virtue in stupidity.

    anita

     

    #272847
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It is stupid isn’t it.  Almost like a broken record.  Something doesn’t serve you (me) and you still seek it or attend to it, and then suffer.

    Then again.  And again.

    Perhaps because of deep ingrained ideas of what is “good and bad” and “right and wrong”

    Clearly – it starts from the definition.  My OWN dictionary definition.  Perhaps I can spend some time creating this new dictionary.

    Let me start here:

    -good company = those who do not create distress or feeling of guilt in me

    -good use of time = rewarding and productive, leading to either joy, relaxation, or not negating a good baseline state

    -good people interaction = that of a win win situation, something positive for me, and something positive for me

    There is no virtue in giving and giving and running yourself ragged.  you don’t get a prize.  no you don’t

    #272857
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    A  free agent,  a free  person, independent,  aware, on the path, makes her own definitions, her own dictionary, improving and refining definitions over time. I wonder how you will define “mother”, “father”, “sister”, “husband”.

    anita

    #272859
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Let me work on defining:

    “mother”, “father”, “sister”, “husband” I will think this over.

    for now

    mother = deranged individual with lack of awareness of personal trauma and mental history – therefore uses daughters as a means to alleviate personal distress, and find value in own empty life

    father = an individual that did not grow into an adult and know his own self before being married off due to culture constraints, and angry man with lack of self awareness, that would never have gotten married to my mother if it was his choice, or perhaps to anyone at all — over time and trauma in their marriage- became a puppet on strings to survive the wrath that is my mother

    sister = a troubled girl, with difficulty defining who she is as a person, and her place in the world.  as a result she comes off to the world as something quite different than what she perceives her own self.  someone who is struggling and suffering, and this energy is quite palpable around her

    husband = a loving, selfless man with unwavering support in every sector. an optimist by nature, that can be disappointed and defeated if time and again his good gestures and hope for the world continue to be shattered and misused

    #272931
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I was tired today, I am tired today. But I would like to write.  It is in times when we feel exhausted and defeated that we can look at our villains in the face.  We can say enough – don’t torture me.

    But who is it that is the “torturer.”

    Often it feels like one’s own mind.  Our mind agonizing, creating fear, our own self sabotage.  But as you dig further – and you learn your patterns, it becomes obvious that we are tortured by all that does not serve us.  To stay on this path. Our inner self, our “being” I will call it – it knows very well what we need.  and so all else outside of that will continue to torture us until we listen.

    Sometimes I find that this may be too simplistic.  “so what – cut everything out?” “so what – live in a cocoon?”

    But I see today, that often (in many cases) it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.  The way that my mother taught me, the way that many unstable people think.  That it is love or hate, good or bad.  Of course, as spoken earlier, i was either good daughter, or horrible.  Was there ever space for me to just be? Was there ever space for me at all?

    And that is just it.  I notice I need space for me.  Space for what? For everything and nothing.

    I was fed this delusion, believe this delusion, that because it was always about me – the golden child, the child who always got it right, the adult who succeeded, who never failed, was always liked, blah blah, etc etc. —- I believe that because all of this I had plenty of space for me.  In fact TOO much even perhaps.  But it is false.  I had no space at all, because intricately woven into all this was my mother and the mother voice.  It is a giraffe learning to walk, but carrying the dead weight of his mother before he even learns his first step properly.  It is being on the podium to speak to accept an award, but being most concerned how to thank your mother.  It is being told I am lucky and have it all, and feeling guilty that despite all this I was not happy – and being ridiculed about this – the irony.

    No, there was never space for me.  All of this, all of the above is simply life steps.  They are not wholesome, they are not powerful, they are not healing.  They do nothing for a human or a soul.  I could have been in a concentration camp, or flying to the moon.  My mother had control of the real estate that is me.

    So you feel angry, and want to stay away from anyone or anything that smells like poison even the slightest.

    But it doesn’t always work that way.  And as an adult, we need to avoid, but also learn new tactics.  Unlearn the faulty, and learn the useful.

    And the way to gain that in this modern world – is not always going to be cutting things out, or living in a cocoon.  But what it will be are boundaries.  Good old solid boundaries.

    unwavering.  Yes, Anita I always did admire those that are unwavering.  In many ways – I was too. Look how unwavering in support for my mother until just a year or 2 ago.  Look how unwavering at keeping ties that did nothing good for me.

    Yet, how WAVERING to the things that matter, my own definitions of good and bad.  That at the age of 33 I am JUST starting to define them.  No fault of my own – it is the way it is.

    It feels fearful to be unwavering with boundaries.  Why? Fear came from the place of my mother.  “if you don’t do this, you will be alone.”

    good is not here, it is over there.  no there.. no not here. keep going —over there.

    It will take a long time to undo this.  It does not feel natural at times.  It feels wrong, or rude.  But my mother told me to denounce what is here, and jump to over there.

    Well there is nothing at all over there.  I checked.  And I know now.

    So hopefully my trust of this will follow…

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.
    #273001
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    How profound: “there is nothing at all over there. I checked. And I know now”.

    And what a fitting imagery: “It is a giraffe learning to walk, but carrying the dead weight of his  mother before he  even learns his first step  properly”.

    Regarding having been “the golden child, the child who always got it right”- when you were in medical school and had some sort of a breakdown, because of all the pressure of medical school, do you remember how your mother responded to you,  what she said? I am trying to remember her words. I do remember it was something disparaging, something like: oh, here she goes complaining, something like that. Not at all a golden response fitting a golden child.

    When I suggested defining “mother” and so  forth,  I meant  objectively, a  mother, not your mother. Your subjective definition is: “deranged individual with lack of awareness…therefore uses daughters as a means to alleviate personal distress, and find  value in own empty life”.

    There are so many, many people who use others to alleviate their personal distress, from pimps using women to alleviate their financial distress by producing income (a Lose to the women being used), to a powerful politician or dictator using people to alleviate their fear of losing power by sending them to an unnecessary war to be killed, to a mother alleviating her distress about feeling unimportant by bragging about her child school accomplishments to strangers while humiliating the child in private. The list goes on and on and on. (I am not going anywhere further with that last thought at this point)

    anita

    #273125
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    wow, how interesting I defined mother subjectively without thought.  it shows me that perhaps I do not even know the objective definition, or really spent any time thinking about it.  I will think about this today.

    I did some reading last night, about boundaries – and it brought up the concept of definitions to me.

    I had some distress last night about that flakey friend, let’s call her N.  It almost feels silly to be so affected by someone who is not a large part of my life.  But as I analyzed further, I realize it is her treatment of me and others that gets me – but more so – how I went along with it.  I am by no means a pushover, but I would allow this person to be flakey, because of a few reasons.

    N is the kind of person that when she is on she is ON.  she is your bestest friend, there for you, making sure you’re comfortable, showering you with gifts even – a planner, the person who will throw you the best party, and show you the best time.

    on the flip side, when it’s not convenient to her, she is nowhere to be found, excuses, and always putting it on you. quick to cancel, and shameless.  with an amazing manipulative ability to never have any accountability.  and absolutely no shame, when she bounces back being ON again (like nothing happened).

    she lives in NYC now, and has been contacting me, but only to spend time where and how is convenient to her. shameless in presenting it, and with an easygoing tone.  to sidetrack the person, me, who wouldn’t think twice.

    now that I am on the path, and my priority is my husband – I thought wait a minute.  this person gives me a terrible feeling even with a small text – why oh why – as a free agent would I entertain having her in my life.

    i think about how she was amazing during my wedding, helping to coordinate my engagement surprise party with my husband. and many other things.  and perhaps some of my “allegiance” towards her is feeling indebted, or seeing past the bad.

    I notice how I suffer even just writing this, feeling tense.

    This woman brings suffering.  She may have good moments, and be your very best friend, but all in all she is a terrible person.

    What makes me not immediately just block her and cut her off? why even give her any time? 6 months ago when I gave her a second chance, she made plans with me just to cancel the night before…

    why would someone like this hold real estate in my mind and body — as a free agent…it wouldn’t make sense

    #273135
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Defining “friend” comes to mind as helpful in regard to N. As you described her behavior I see glitter with no  substance. That “ON.. bestest friend, there for you, making sure you’re comfortable, showering you with gifts even- a planner, the person who will throw you the best party, and show you the best time”- that is all glitter.

    So when you feel like glitter, contact her. If she is in a glittery mood, you can enjoy glitter. Or if she invites you to a party, it may be a fun party, full of that glitter.

    But don’t think of her as a friend.

    anita

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