January 9, 2019 at 11:03 am #273451
Thank you for this thoughtful post. This really sticks out in my mind:
You were determined, from a very early age, naturally, to be Good
Yes, extremely determined from a young age, to the next age, to this age. extremely goal oriented, extemely driven. – all seemingly good qualities, but in this sector – inability to let go and sit back. even when it comes to the above- seeking out behavior that doesn’t feel innately okay – i am still determined. because from a young age Cali Chica had to be “good.”
you know what Anita, it does feel like everyone is the enemy sometimes – because as the mother voice said – everyone disappointing us. people are selfish and self serving.
yes, to a point many are – but others are simply self directed. inner oriented, unlike me. it is not an offense to me – for I am the one with the pathology – I am the one who lacks the ability to look HERE – always seeking THERE.
By keeping an eye on them, I am fulfilling my duty. but yet there is this other aspect of addiction. addiction to over THERE. no matter what THERE is. for, if it isn’t here, it MUST be sought out. to not seek it, is not doing my JOB. and that is not GOOD.January 10, 2019 at 8:31 am #273637
I have been focusing on the “small” picture a lot recently. I do not judge that. Yet, I am back to seeing the big picture.
I know exactly why N affected me so much, and you helped me see. It is the shame and guilt I hold, and the resentment for others who do not. I see that instead of forcing myself to try to be this way, or accepting these types – at this point of my life, on the path. I choose simply to not provide these types with any of my good energy. I am okay and confident in this.
I thought about you a lot last night, and told my husband how instrumental you have been in my journey. I even joked that he would be lucky to have a connection with someone like you as well.January 10, 2019 at 9:00 am #273651
Dear Cali Chica:
I am okay with meeting you and your husband some day. Maybe when I am in NY later this year, I think I would like that. My husband and I plan to stop by in NYC, not a concrete plan, but likely, Oct of this year. I would like that(I smile as I think about it), would you? I told my husband about you, long ago. And then I told him you now live and work in NYC. He said I should recommend to you Rice and Beans, a restaurant in Manhattan that he loves.
We all want to be good, as young children, it is inborn, it is the desire to please and be approved of by our parents whom we perceive as the ultimate Good.
Problem is when we try to be good according to the wrong definition of good, practiced by a bad parent and a bad person.
anitaJanuary 10, 2019 at 9:17 am #273653
Oh I would love that! That brings tears to my eyes. And I will look up this restaurant! Oh Anita how lucky I am to have “met” you!January 10, 2019 at 9:32 am #273659
Dear Cali Chica:
You just brought a big smile to my face. Then it will be done, we will meet in person!
I am excited (still smiling)!
anitaJanuary 10, 2019 at 9:38 am #273663
Yes it shall! October is my birthday – it will be the best birthday present!January 10, 2019 at 9:45 am #273675
Dear Cali Chica:
It will be wonderful to be seeing you on your birthday month! Maybe in Rice and Beans if you check it out and would like it (otherwise there are many other options, of course, in Manhattan.
I will be going to rest my foot in bed (on ice right now). Let’s continue to communicate here as we did so far, and connect otherwise later in the year.
anitaJanuary 11, 2019 at 5:56 am #273813
My husband is glad to hear that you (and your husband) would like to meet us later in the year. It is delightful.
How is your leg? Did you get some rest? Are you able to do some activities that help it, such as stretching, heat, ice?
Do you want to know something funny, N texted me yesterday – I could feel the urgency in her text, but covered up as caring and fun. Wanting to make plans with me because she was available and close by, and wanting me to meet her “glorious” bf so I can see how happy she is. to show him how she is so popular.
Persistent, and direct – even when I told her this week was not good for me. Yup, that’s N.
And this is what’s funny – I looked at the text, and simply put my phone away. I didn’t remember it until this morning. That’s it. And that’s how it goes doesn’t it Anita. Once we process the reason why things irk us – they can slowly float away, not having as much of a grip on us. Others only have power over us when we let them. Often when we are confused and misunderstanding of our own root. When we conquer the fear and confusion in our OWN selves, we can see the clarity of others – and we observe it – we don’t jump into it. We sit back…
January 11, 2019 at 6:13 am #273817
- This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by Cali Chica.
Dear Cali Chica:
Excellent experience with N- observant, mindful, good job if I may say so. Basically her motivation is to use you, to brag about her boyfriend and to show off to him that she is popular. You have better things to do with your time than to be used for such silly things.
There is some progress with my foot, I walked (limped, more like it) to the mailbox yesterday and carried wood from the wood shed to the house, for the woodstove. It was difficult and I was exhausted. It seems to me that at this point walking and working promotes the healing, not resting. I understand it needs to be gradual. So I will walk and work today as well and I hope to be fully recovered next week.
My husband and I talked a bit, Rice and Beans is a Brazilian restaurant, heavy on the meat. I was there with him ten years ago, but remember little. He was wondering if you and your husband are vegetarians. Like I wrote to you, we don’t have a concrete plan to be in NYC October. I definitely want to meet the two of you when I am in NYC next.
It will be my first and probably only tiny buddha in person meeting!
January 11, 2019 at 6:17 am #273819
- This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
Exactly, it is all about using people for N, and like personalities. And I do (and always had) better things to do with my time, but now more than ever. The difference now is that I am empowered in my own ability to make such a choice.
I do agree in some cases, walking and getting some blood flow (gently) does promote healing, and helps things be less “stiff.” But take it easy, especially in the cold.
I am a vegetarian, and my husband is not. I would still be happy to go there! And I know my husband would enjoy it. Yes would be happy to meet you in NYC, or elsewhere, whenever it works out for all of us.January 11, 2019 at 6:21 am #273823
Dear Cali Chica:
Nope, Rice and Beans is not an option then. There are so many, many restaurants in Manhattan, there is no reason to compromise!
I corrected my post above regarding a meeting place because NYC is probably the best place. After all, my husband is from upstate NY, has family and friends there, so we are likely to be there, plus I love NYC, lived there myself years ago, downtown, Church Street.
anitaJanuary 11, 2019 at 6:28 am #273825
Downtown Manhattan! How fun! Must have been an interesting time. NYC it is. Look forward to planning in the future.
I started a new job in NYC 2 weeks ago, as you know.
Interestingly, there is a new opportunity in the area (near my apartment in fact) that would involve some leadership, and directorship. Although I am young in my career, they are considering me as a strong candidate – which is pretty incredible. I interviewed with some of the senior physicians this week.
It hasn’t progressed to the point that I am “choosing” between jobs – Yet a lot comes to mind.
Option A, current job, has better hours, and no “work to bring home.” I go to work, I come home. I can attend to things in my personal life without thought about the job – when I get home.
Option B, is a leadership position, so as a result, you are quite involved with the practice and the department. I will be involved with work after hours, whether its management of individuals, or larger aspects. Option B is a stepping stone for career advancement perhaps.
two similar but different options, and different packages too, as a result – to a point.
I do wonder how all of this will play out. I am grateful to have such opportunities. I do know the universe knows I have talents and abilities to engage with people in ways that are unique, and thus, I am well suited for the leadership aspect of a position.January 11, 2019 at 6:57 am #273831
Dear Cali Chica:
I can definitely see you in a leadership position.
When I read regarding option A “no ‘work to bring home.’… I can attend to things in my personal life without thought about the job- when I get home”, I thought to myself that attending to things in your personal life, such as helping your sister and reaching out to people who don’t serve you, didn’t work for you, so if that is what you would do when you get home, might as well take Option B. In Option B what you do when you get home (job related) may serve you, unlike what you used to do when you got home that didn’t serve you.
Maybe Option B is better, less time to be tempted to … waste your time with N and such.
anitaJanuary 11, 2019 at 7:02 am #273833
My thoughts exactly. I am not someone who enjoys or craves idle time, and am an excellent multi-tasker. but that can lead me to get involved with people like my sister or N, because I make sure I am using my time to do things. I can be served by the extra “work at home” because it is being busy with nonsense vs. busy with leadership and growth!January 11, 2019 at 7:57 am #273837
Dear Cali Chica:
That makes sense to me. I would investigate further the potential of Option B to be that “leadership and growth” opportunity, if it really is that opportunity.