Dear Anita,

An example for me, or perhaps a few:

• when I move things at work – utilizing my left side inside of right, as I have found that overuse of my right back and leg can cause muscle spasms.  To tune into my brain and use my left side often feels cumbersome, awkward – so it naturally feels like the “wrong side”
• picking up the phone, or not. As you know, in the past, if the phone rang, it felt innately and immediately necessary to pick it up  – no matter who or what.  Programmed from when attending to my mother was – drop everything and do, ALWAYS
  • so now, I will think about it when I see the person’s name on the phone ringing.  I will innately go to pick up, but then ask myself if that is the right decision in that moment.  It is almost – if observed from the outside or as a cartoon, a dance where a person leaps, pauses looks around, and leaps back.  Does not continue leaping forward.  As leaping forward is a natural pattern.  But taking one leap, pausing, contemplating, and then leaping backward – well that takes more effort, and this new “dance” does not feel of course as fluid and natural

Dear Anita,

I can see in you, and can tell you know all too well “what behavior is right and what is wrong.”  I can see this about you clearly. It is something I believe requires a high level of self awareness, and experience.

I, too, am getting there now.  I notice something about this – because I have gotten so much better about knowing right vs. wrong behaviors – for me, with confidence, it has also added to increased pressure.  Pressure to do ‘right” considering, I now know what is right – i feel well then why wouldn’t I do that, or choose that.  Cali Chica no longer is in the dark, and knows, who and what is right vs. wrong.

Thus, I am working on being less critical of this sort of thing, in my own life.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

You are excellent company.  In fact, a year ago – I remember feeling that the path is quite isolating.  It was back then that I felt the need to explain myself, and what I was going through.  Often, it felt that no one understood.

However, now, in present day – I know the path is special, and as a result – few travel it.

I do not see this as isolating, I see it more as unique, adventurous, and only fit for some, not unlike an adventurous mountain climb.  Many can see the sites and go up and down the elevator, few will attempt to climb by foot.

I also don’t find this internal need for others to understand.  Who better to understand and support me fully than my own husband! I see that this realization also has a lot to do with the shift of focus – giving less credence to “others” that really don’t matter much.

So yes the path is special, and I am so glad to share my journey with you!

Dear Anita,

Thank you for expanding this image.  Your image reminds me something, this journey is not mine alone – it involves him intimately.

I find myself forgetting that often.  I find myself thinking I am healing and on this journey and he is just on the side.  I don’t give enough credence or respect to the fact, that like above – so often he is extending his hand to hold me up.  Sure, I do the same.  But over the last 2 years he who has not only extended his hand to pull me up, he’s had to “carry” me and motivate me to even take the first step up the mountain.  Halfway through the mountain climb, he has reminded me that it is worth it to continue.  And most of all, he has helped me remember who I am.

I took some time to reply to your post as I let it sink and savor.

It teaches me many things.  That it is my husband who has helped me up this mountain climb, and continues to.  It is he who also needs my hand extended to help him up from time to time, as he is only human.  Lastly, reading your post again reminds me that – if I was to tumble down that mountain, he would quickly be by my side.  No one else.  As those people aren’t present.  He is, and only him.

Dear Anita,

Is it really!? Wow I am amazed to read this. I shall read it to him later – soon

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Very true, and great point.  Thank you.  And I shall.  He also respects and appreciates our relationship – from what I have shared!

How are you, and how is your leg? This week I have been slightly under the weather – cough cold, nothing out of the norm. I noticed I did not drink any coffee this week.  The combination of being more mellow because my energy levels aren’t as high, plus no caffeine has been interesting.  I notice that I am not as quick to respond to people, whether it is in real life, or through phone/text.  I notice I am not as jump, and feel calmer and more collected.  I notice that I feel more “inner’ oriented.  I sit with my own thoughts, versus a million buzzing thoughts.

It feels nice.  It feels like myself.  It is a good reminder that I am not my anxiety and high energy.  I am simply me.  I am not defined by my constant need to do.  And in fact, when I am feeling “low” I am protecting myself even more.  I don’t have the energy and caffeine pushing me to do do do.  Instead, I am sitting with myself, a little more.

Dear Anita,

It sure is! I will remember this.  I will also try to do what you stated: be nothing but gentle with myself

If I do need a boost, I can reach for that cup of coffee.  I don’t have to shame myself and feel immensely guilty for making a decision that I know isn’t “good for me.” We are human.

But, what I do need to remember is that I am capable of this new inner experience.  I will remember this, I will enjoy it.