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This topic contains 1,611 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 days, 12 hours ago.

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  • #288931

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Separating truth from lies.  I absolutely agree.  That is the work I will do, I am prepared.

    As per the second post, yes.  If I found that “the love she never had” it would bring contentment to her heart.  Fulfill her, give her what she lacked.  Have her live vicariously through me..

    As we know the outcome was not that way..  If we brought her the X thing she lacked, she asked for Y.  If we thought about Y she said Y is filthy, go back to X.  And on and on.

    I will wait for your reply to guide my thoughts/conversation.

    #288933

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    By the way, I started watching this series “The Act’ it is based on a true life story. In which a mother, Dee Dee blanchard, infantilizes her daughter, by creating illness and continue to keep her child in the sick role, in a wheelchair even though she can walk, with a feeding tube even though she can eat.  The story ends up being that her daughter grows up to resent her to the point of killing her.  And many details in between.

    I bring it up – because it is an extreme example – but one in that, the daughter as time goes, on starts to see the truth between the lies.  Not just about her mother, but about her own self.  It is interesting in the fact that I feel I can relate to parts of it, feeling conflicted of wanting to exert “independence” but feeling guilty that this would make my mother feel bad.

    Just wanted to add.

    #288935

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    In the child’s brain, the child and mother are one mental unit, connected. So the child believes her happiness= the mother’s happiness. In your reality, as it has been in mine, your happiness did not equal to her happiness, neither did she imagine that it will.

    She wanted you to dance in those weddings not because it made her happy that you were happy. It made her happy to be entertained by your dancing, observe others being entertained and imagining the good thoughts others had about her as the mother of this beautiful, talented child.

    Notice this: she saw your beauty (ex., eyes) and talent in an objective kind of way, that is, she didn’t feel connected to you as she watched you dance. It was you being a Thing that she enjoyed watching dance and a thing that made others think well of her.

    No, she didn’t live vicariously through you- this is you, the child, thinking erroneously that you are .. that important to her. No, she was just entertained and felt good showing off the Thing dancing.

    anita

    #288937

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    My being a thing, and those qualities that were a tool – for her to think well of me/her, of her to others.

    She felt good showing off.

    If I had a lot of friends, oh look at my darling daughter the popular socialite.

    If I was a doctor, oh look at my aamzing daughter she can do it all

    If I was dancing, oh look she takes after me doesn’t she, she has that dancer in her

    If I had a good boyfriend (one acceptable to society, good family, career, etc) , look at how great I raised her to meet a nice boy she deserves

    Always the case.

    but interesting how CC now, is still in a way, connected to seeking the things she taught me to – that wwere the right things, the “right things” I should say

    #288939

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I didn’t understand the last two lines?

    Stay with this concept and tell me how it feels, that your mother saw you as a thing, that is, as something of no value other than a thing to entertain her at times, to show off to others-

    how does it feel to not be valued by a person you loved so dearly?

    anita

    #288949

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It feels sad, like a shame, and such a wrongdoing on my mothers end.

    When I say this, I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel sad, bad, angry.  I am saying this with my conscious mind, my intelligence, my understanding.  But it does not feel like anything.

    Such as reading a diagnosis in a text book, but not evoking any feeling – perhaps dissociated from me.

    #288951

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Definitely a disassociation, of course. No living thing chooses to feel pain. Avoiding pain, physical/ emotional is an instinct fundamental to all animals.

    I suppose the brain, the organism feels that the pain will take over and be too much to bear. This is why this kind of work is best attempted in quality psychotherapy with a capable, empathetic and dedicated therapist.

    I am okay still doing the exercise because I trust that instinct, to not feel pain, and I figure that our exercise cannot possibly undo this instinct. We can resume  if you want, if you are in the mood for it.

    Let me know and if you want I will start asking you questions.

    anita

    #288955

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Let us resume tomorrow if you are available then. As I go throughout my day I will think about what we have spoken about, and will write to you tomorrow or reply to whatever comes first. Enjoy the rest of your Saturday and thank you as always for engaging in this incredible exercise.

    #288957

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Cali Chica. We’ll resume then tomorrow, and if tomorrow doesn’t feel right for you, or you are otherwise busy, then the next day,  or the day after. Thank you for wishing me a good Saturday and have the same yourself!

    anita

    #289015

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I have leftover quotes from my work on your exercise posts and I want to present them today because I have the time and the inclination. I hope you read the following when you want to, if you want to, and take your time with it, take all the time that you need.

    1. “sometimes they tell me how pretty I am… I am so special… They also say I am very special because I have beautiful eyes… my mom always talks about how I am special… she always says how I am most special”

    – your mother’s  messages to you that you were most special led to the creation of what we referred to before as Super Cali  Chica.

    “when I watch tv- I see if the actress is not that good, sometimes I even think maybe I should be on it instead, because I am smarter and better. when I watch tv with my mom, Indian shows- she says how someone like me would be a better actress on it”.

    As you continue to see your mother as she really was, you don’t have to lose the message that you are special. Losing who you thought she was does not mean you have to lose all that she said, that is, you don’t have to lose the feeling that you are special. You are special, that is, valuable. Not because you have lighter skin and eyes or because you dance well or that you did well academically and are a medical doctor now, married to another medical doctor and so forth.

    What I value most about you is your quest for the truth, your courage to face reality, your persistence, over time, your honesty, your intelligence. As I tell you from time to time, you are amazing. You are special. Hold on to this knowing, that you are special so that you can let go of your mother all the way.

    2. “she saw me get angry, ‘screw those people who are treating us bad!’ she saw me stand up for her, many times I would tell my father, what he said or did was wrong”- you were loyal to your mother but she was not loyal to you. Betrayal by one’s mother is very painful. It takes time to process that, but once you do, when you accept that it happened and feel the pain involved, you are better for it.

    And notice, that siding with your mother against your father, then realizing how bad of a mother and wife she was, does not mean that your father was the .. good one. Children see things in extremes, this or that. She was a bad mother and he was a bad father to you, both. Not one or the other.

    3. “she likes to go there because it reminds her of India and there is so many people outside and hustle and bustle- good energy she says”- reads to me that she really did like that atmosphere, nostalgia. But she didn’t like people’s company most of the time, only at specific times, for example: when her daughters dance in weddings and made her look good, when she was very lonely and at those times talked with you in the kitchen, when she spent time with a lover. Otherwise, she preferred to be alone.

    4. “my mom always says ‘what we say in the house is secret between us, and don’t tell anybody’. and she says ‘when they ask you questions that are personal, don’t give information away… we are supposed to not let them know stuff about our life, because they have jealousy and they may try to ruin things… we talk about this at dinner a lot. About our family and how bad they are”- your mother presented the world as us vs them. We are good, they are bad. That wouldn’t have been so bad for your mental health if there really was an us. But there was no us, no  unity. Your mother clearly communicated to you that your father is one of “them” and she clearly communicated to you that you too was one of them, and your sister too.

    “I think my dad is bad… my mom and I are good”- that unity exists in your mind only, not in your mother’s. In her mind, there is me vs them, and them is everyone else, family and strangers, here and there and everywhere.

    5. Regarding luck and hard work: “It feels unfair. There is no reason others should have luck. The people who do less, and have less good, have more luck!.. my dad says no matter what, we have to work hard, because we have to work hard our potential and talent. so I do work hard… (Luck) is not something that can be caught. Some people have luck and some people don’t. That’s how it is”-

    – according to your mother no matter how hard you, CC, work, you will not be lucky, and she is correct because in reality, you are very unlucky to have had her as your mother. I suppose your father advice that you work hard nonetheless is what he did- he kept working hard, bringing money in, supporting the bad-luck he was married to, aka his wife, your mother.

    You can get rid of that bad luck curse when you get rid of your mother’s mental rep in your brain, get rid of what she taught you, the senseless things she taught you and the outright lies.

    6. One of your mother’s lies: “if someone calls on the phone.. she will go  on and on about how I made something good happen for us. She will talk about it all day… how she is so lucky to have a good daughter like me who made this good thing happen”- it is a lie because there was no us in her mind, because she didn’t think of you as a good daughter and she didn’t feel lucky, she was bragging, that is all, spitting out words that made her feel good at the moment. Unfortunately and understandably you believed her words, you erroneously thought that she meant what she was saying.

    – if she meant what she was saying, that you were a good daughter, that there was an us, you and her, she would have told you in private that you are a good daughter, she would give you that message persistently, in a quiet voice, appreciatingly, not bragging to others.

    “I am so used to sensationalizing the good outcomes of others- and making it more than it truly is… It is a habit”- same as your mother sensationalizing/ bragging to others about your achievements. I suppose it was a mix of pride for you, to hear her sensationalize your achievements to others and it was a source of confusion and distress because her bragging was not congruent with her behavior toward you personally, when hot bragging, and when she was not in a good mood.

    7. “it is important that I make her happy, who else will?”- her lover or lovers.

    8. You wrote, your father “says I am messy and frenzied, and my mind is scatter brained. he always tries to teach me to wake up and eat a good breakfast and take my time, and not always rush. I eat really fast and go to school and don’t take my time”- this tells me that you’ve been distressed and rushing for a long, long time. And you rushed because your mother rushed you, just as she rushed your father in the mornings, to be out of the house quickly. She rushed you to get out of the house and be elsewhere, with friends, so that you don’t burden her. Plus, it was tough living with her, all the distress otherwise.

    9. “my mom always says the hardest job is to stay at home”- she was correct in that the hardest job for you was to stay at home with her. It was definitely easier outside, away from her.

    10. “she says only a very strong person can stay at home… you have to be really strong.. they aren’t that strong”- I remember that she told you at one point, I think you were in medical school at the time, that she is the strong one and you were the weak one. She had this thing about being stronger than others. She made sure to be stronger than your father, that is, to put him down and keep him down, and she made sure to put everyone else down, in her own home at least.

    — this is all my leftover quotes, and my input regarding those notes.

    anita

    #289035

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for itemizing the quotes as such, it helps me see each aspect both separate and intertwined.  My mind works well with this sort of breakdown as well (as you have seen). I will reply in the same fashion.

    1. my mother’s message to me, I am special, no the MOST special led to the Super Cali Chica. 
      1. Perhaps the cali chica thinks she has to be super in order to be special.  perhaps if she is not acting “super” she loses her identity.  Her role as special. I will hold on to the fact that I am special, as is.  And try my best to return to it often, in order to let go of my mother and the Super role she forced me into.
    2. I was loyal to my mother, but she was not loyal to me
      1. how interesting to be sent out into battle, on behalf of one’s mother, only to turn around and she is nowhere to be found. yet, you continue the battle.  Fight on I must – my mother sent me, and I have to do a good job, I have to make her proud. In fact I have to make myself proud (as I believe what she wants is what I want). Yet, where is she? She has escaped and onto another mission.  But I remain don’t I? How dedicated I am to task. Not giving up.  How special of me.  How super, yes that’s her Super Cali Chica.
    3. I never thought of my mother as someone who likes to be alone.  Well it was hard to think of my mother as anything outside of what she exclaimed to be. I notice I have this tendency in general, or at least I used to.  I take someone’s word for what they say they are, sometimes ignoring what intuitively they seem in real life.  Such as someone who exclaims they are amazing throwing glitter, but in reality all their actions show they are empty.  So back to above, when you asked me about the lonely comment, the things that come to mind are my mothers exclamations.  “oh how nice it is here, so many people!” oh it is so fun at their house, they have so much family over.
      1. but when I would introduce my mother to these scenarios in the hope for her to find happiness, she would never enjoy them. In fact she would be angered, irritated and complaining.  so many examples of this.  I thought of this as her ability to only see bad in others and scenarios – but it is even deeper than this. she truly only enjoys the company of herself, the queen.  no one else is truly worthy of keeping up with her, no scenario no person. not even I, her chosen one. nope. as no human can satiate the mother
    4. But there was no us, no  unity
      1. no there was not, and the biggest lie was that there was unity between her and i. It is me vs. them,, her and the world. yet, she made it seem that it was poor her (the victim) and the world against her. Thus it was the job of SCC to ease this burden and suffering.  “make the world better’ “bring her good” “show her the light”
      2. but I too, am apart of the others.  It is only truly her in her own world, swirling around. I remember being hurt when I was told that I too was against her.  How could this be! After spending my entire life trying to make her happy. I recall being in my apartment and my mother throwing me under the bus.  ridiculing and insulting me publicly as I was not furthering her agenda. my father doing the same. there’s another story with the police, that you may or may not know about. well in front of the police, Anita, my mother threw me under the bus. to punish me. only to despair later on out of “guilt” this isn’t a mentally unstable person, that is emotionally unwell and makes rash decisions out of emotionalism and despair.  this a truly an evil person
    5. It is true, the only true bad luck in my life, was having her as my mother
      1. yet, she made me believe that everything BUT that was the bad luck.  any obstacle I may come across, but more importantl even attemptinng. feeding me the lie that no matter what I do or where I go or who I meet, I will not be happy/or lucky
        1. small example comes to mind, she used to ridicule my cousin’s husband to me as he was not good enough or this or that.  after I got married I remember one of the first times it came up again, she exclaimed, this cousin is the only person in the family who was lucky enough to find happiness.  “you can just tell those people who are truly happy how lucky.” “others all get married and all, but they’re not happy.”saying to me, that too bad for you. you tried and did all you could, you’re still not happy see? you won’t be. she felt great pride in letting me know this fact. that my cousin is happily married and I am not. it was a fact not an opinion. feeding me this idea that I am not capable of this sort of happiness in my lifetime, because of an internal flaw of mine – so there you go continue to seek for it.
    6. She didn’t think of me as a good daughter, but not because I wasn’t one.  There is no us in her mind. It is exactly that, whatever feels good in the moment is spit out.  If its bragging about me, then that, if it is mocking me, then that.  There was no unity.  Amazing point that she never quietly and personally reaffirmed those things. I think about how a mother has a lot of talk with her child, even I do with my dog! The small daily talk, oh you’re a good girl, good job doing that – oh how cute you are, how funny, you’re making mommy very happy.  And it goes on with age.  All of it does not have to be positive affirmations to be healthy – but the fact that my mothers words to the outside were never congruent with her personal talk to me is key.  In fact I felt this was normal, the person we put out in the world is different than what we show our loved ones at home – I thought this was an example of this.  And of course, you can’t go airing your dirty laundry around town daily – but what my mom was doing – as not this.  She was showing a false persona, she had no trouble being evil in reality, but glorious and bragging in her public ways.  And this all before social media! you don’t need facebook and all to see only the “good” side of people.  people have been living lies for much longer than the internet, haven’t they? it’s just now there’s an easier vehicle to show off and brag daily (for those people).  I have followed this behavior somewhat, in the abuse and attacking my husband.  Not feeling there is anything wrong to be negative and cruel one on one, but think easily we can still enjoy time with others without an issue. well no, true love is first, built in the home.  
      1. It surely is a habit for me to sensationalize others, just as my mother did. I learned it, and emulated it, to this day.  Learned behavior, watch and learn. Mother would say look over there how nice of them to have a picnic..  So now when I walk in the park, I don’t notice the beautiful walk I am with my husband, but more the beauty of the picnic that others are having.
    7. even her lovers couldn’t make her happy, as she was incapable of “handling” this sort of relationship.. she would agonize if she didn’t get a message back from N. when he was off onto the next thing, she would drive and stalk his car, trying to see where he was going, if he was over her and onto the next, a younger better version. infuriated and “hurt” but never guilty, always a victim
      1. going along with that, she always painted this rosy picture of her upbringing in India. a beautiful town where everyone was out to play, neighbors were friends, people helped one another.  in this rosy picture, there was also not back stabbing, misery, and “normal” human adversity.  I think about how being told how this rosy world is “reality” and this miserable American life is a “tragedy” was so detrimental to my sister nd I.  From the moment you are born, you are born into the bad world. how unlucky and what a shame.  it is your poor fate to have to live in this tragic life, long gone is that rosy world, you’ll never taste it – you are stuck with this sad world full of sad people.
    8. i’ve been distressed and rushing for a long, long time
    9. yes absolutely difficult to stay with her. but i recall feeling it never mattered where I was of course. it is better now as her physical presence is no longer a daily threat (or active ongoing threat). as you know it is the mother voice. and so as we talk about it, even to this day now, once her lies and “tenets” she taught me slowly fade away
    10. she always had this thing about being stronger than others.  being stronger than me. reminding my sister and I which one of us was more loyal to her, or stronger, or etc – depending on what would help her more.
      1. she used to always talk about the strength of others. oh look that ladies husband died recently, shes out working, she probably didnt love him that much anyway – she’s strong, people like us that are emotional it is hard for us to be strong like that
      2. after a break up, one of my adolescent friends (she always knew everything as she was my “person” talked to her day in and day out) she would say oh look at your friend how strong, she bounced right back after that break up – not us, we get so hurt because we feel with the heart.
      3. the strength part goes along with happiness too. always making it known who is happy and unhappy. towards the end in the last year of speaking with her, she would often ridicule me and say “oh you think you’re happy just wait” the only person who actually is happy and can sleep at night is me.  i know you, you can’t sleep at night – very unhappy you are.

     

     

    #289097

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You are welcome, I’ll try to itemize in future communication as well. But in this post I will not itemize (a bit confused about the numbers here):

    “I will hold on to the fact that I am special, as is… in order to let go of my mother and the Super role she forced me into”- letting go of her does not mean letting go of the special/super role. I will call this special, super role/feeling/belief personal worth.

    If letting go of your mother meant that you had to let go of your personal worth, it wouldn’t happen, the mental unit will remain as is.

    But shift your perception of what your personal worth means- shift it away from what she told you it was about- the color of your skin and eyes and your dancing/schooling/ other performances and toward (what your mother didn’t see in you and didn’t possess herself) your quest for the truth, insight, honesty, persistence/ dedication/ not giving up, courage.

    “it was hard to think of my mother as anything outside of what she exclaimed to be”- we believe what she says, automatically, naturally, 100% trusting. As young children we don’t see our mother and the truth as two separate items, they are the same. But for as long as we don’t separate the two (when they are significantly different), we remain confused about who she is, who we are and who anyone is.

    She repeatedly said she had a clean heart and you believed her and unless you correct this belief and see that she had a dirty heart (lies, disloyal, selfish, severely mistreating her own children, and more), then you are forever confused about your  own heart and the heart of anyone you meet.

    You wrote that she told you “oh how nice it is here, so many people!”, “oh it is so fun at their house, they have so much family over”. So you believed she likes and desires company, lots of people. “but when I would  introduce my mother to these scenarios in the hope for her to find happiness, she would.. be angered, irritated and complaining, so many examples of this”. When she said those things to you, made so many statements about how wonderful it is over there, with many people, it was some sort of nostalgia regarding her childhood of long ago, some long ago experience that is lost to her/ cannot be duplicated). And sometimes she said those things as a way to get you and your sister OUT of the house so that she can be alone.

    “the biggest lie was that there was unity between her and I”- notice this very important point: once you feel this sentence, really feel it as you think it, think it as you feel it, it will be the beginning of your emotional separation from her, that is, you exiting that mental unit with her. There is no way to force or rush this feeling, the hurt and sadness and anger involved.

    -I didn’t understand, “my mother threw me under the bus, to punish me”- literally or figuratively???

    “the fact that my mother’s words to the outside were never congruent with her personal talk to me is key… She was showing a false persona, she had no trouble being evil in reality, but glorious and bragging in her public ways”

    “being told how this rosy world is ‘reality’ and this miserable American life is a ‘tragedy’ was so detrimental to my sister and I”- having her as your mother was the tragedy, doesn’t matter the location. Having her as a mother was detrimental to you and to your sister.

    “From the moment you are born, you are born into the bad world”- correct for you and for your sister (and for me years before in another place in the world). When our mothers are bad people, about to betray our trust in her, lie to us, intentionally and repeatedly hurt us, on purpose, intentionally, well, we are born indeed into a bad world.

    “It is better now as her physical presence is no longer a daily threat (or active ongoing threat)”- well, that was the tragedy, being born to a daily threat. It is a tragedy, because that daily threat during our formative years of childhood does become our active ongoing threat, her mental rep.

    “she would often ridicule me and say ‘oh you think you’re happy just wait… I  know you, you can’t sleep at night- very unhappy you are”- what do you think she meant by it, can you explain it to me?

    anita

    #289139

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your response.  I meant to say – that when applicable, I appreciate the itemized list – of course this only applies to certain scenarios.  Regardless I always follow your thought process quite well – and I believe the feeling is mutual!

    In regards to understanding my value, I will say these days I truly do.  Yet, the mother voice is enveloped in one part of it.  Let me explain: I value myself as a truth seeking courageous individual, on a path that few could decipher let alone embark on, and stay on.

    But what you wrote sums up the aspect of the mother voice that is enveloped in my identity:

    But for as long as we don’t separate the two , we remain confused about who she is, who we are and who anyone is.

    I see what you mean here.  I have asked you many times/asked myself questions such as “why would I do this?” or I know I shouldn’t but I feel guilty..but I find myself doing this or that,etc.  I see that there is confusion in my identity, in my self identity.  Feeling conflicted, who is the real Cali Chica? and allowing the definition of CC to evolve and change as it must – with age and different life milestones. change and evolve whether it be on a weekly basis or over long periods of time and phases.  I notice that my mother had a black and white way of thinking/speaking – aside from the fact that there was no unity and no empathy, there was no tolerance for growth/change.  Never would you hear her say something like: “that’s okay if it’s not something you like anymore..” it would be instead- “GOSH, that’s not the daughter I know – she wouldnt’ turn something like that down!” So here little Cali Chica feeling – this must be true, that’s not WHO I AM!

    “the biggest lie was that there was unity between her and I”- notice this very important point

    I will let this point resonate – and come back to it.

     “my mother threw me under the bus, to punish me”-

    this was figuratively. made sure to ridicule me and put me down and never “had my back” as someone with unity/respect would.  was quick to insult me whether alone or in front of others

    “she would often ridicule me and say ‘oh you think you’re happy just wait… I  know you, you can’t sleep at night- very unhappy you are”-

    what she meant by this is the following: you can do all you want, study, find a guy to marry, everything – but you won’t be happy.  you are flawed and you have issues.  as an aside, she saw me suffer at times, unable to sleep, feeling anxious, suffering – or heard about it – during that one time in medical school I reached out to her – the example we speak about often.  she would preface these scenarios.  “see look at you, all grown up still crying” “see you put me down and tell me that I am this and that, but look at you! you can’t even sleep at night, and you’re a grown doctor – what a shame.” she would especially bring this up as I got older when I became angry at her. When I began to explain to her that she maybe should seek some help for anxiety – or explain it in my own words. When I would lash out at her for bring childish, foolish, difficult, etc.

    #289151

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You are welcome. Yes, we do follow each other’s thoughts process very well. I asked about your mother possibly throwing you under the bus literally because I think she is capable of having done that.

    “I value myself as a truth seeking courageous individual, on a path that few could decipher let alone embark on, and stay on”- I hope you repeat this sentence to yourself from time to time.

    You wrote, “she saw me suffer at times, unable to sleep, feeling anxious, suffering… I reached out to her… (and she said:) ‘see look at you, all grown up still crying'”

    -“there is confusion in my identity.. who  is the real Cali Chica?”-

    – in your Nov 2016 thread “loving but toxic parents” (yes, loving was the adjective there), you wrote Nov 10: “When I close my eyes I think of my mom as a damaged soul, a sad and abused.. fragile puppy that is now coming out in the world with a big  bad bark. this feeling about her makes it quite difficult to ‘hate her’ or to feel I should attempt to have ‘power over her‘ in a way it simply just makes me feel soo soo bad for her”-

    – she lacked empathy toward you, you had lots of empathy toward her. Is it that still existing empathy (perhaps not felt easily, but still it is there) for her that makes it difficult for the CC part of the mental unit with her, to have power over the Mother part of this mental unit?

    Because you don’t have empathy for yourself, you see yourself as a tough.. dog, with a big bark and you don’t want to .. crush that alleged fragile puppy.. in that mental unit?

    anita

    #289157

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You asked:

    Is it that still existing empathy (perhaps not felt easily, but still it is there) for her that makes it difficult for the CC part of the mental unit with her, to have power over the Mother part of this mental unit? Because you don’t have empathy for yourself, you see yourself as a tough.. dog, with a big bark and you don’t want to .. crush that alleged fragile puppy.. in that mental unit?

    I do not believe, in my conscious mind I have an empathy for her.  In fact there goes that saying, it takes effort to love someone, and to hate someone – but not to “nothing’ someone.  To be “over someone” is to not feel much for that person.  Of course when it comes to your own mother – it is not a matter of forgetting this person and moving on.

    I do not believe I have empathy for her – but I also do not believe I have developed true empathy for my husband – it is just starting.

    To an untrained ear or eye, they would thing – well why is it this or that, he or her? but as you know, my devotion and dedication to my mother took away from any other being, even my OWN self, and of course my husband. In fact she taught me in many ways it was wrong to honor a man, and respect him.  She never taught me what true love and respect was.  How could she? She had no true love or respect for me, her own daughter.  What is there to emulate?

    I saw this morning as i had a chat with my husband, that truly truly – I am learning this all on my own now.  In the sense that many women may treat a husband based on how they saw their mother treat their father, an older sister.  Or perhaps how an older mentor figure – aunt, priest, family friend etc – guided them.  I had no guidance whatsoever Anita.  All my so called guidance was lies.

    So, this morning I thought about what it means to learn how to love and respect – at the age of 33 – honestly for truly the first time.  It isn’t as natural as it may seem to others.  This combined with the major clouding of my mind – the outward focus.

    We began this whole series of conversations based on my inquiry to you about outward focus.  The day I was walking in the park, endless chatter, mind chatter, and some verbal chatter about every which thing, unable to stay still with here and mine.

    I see that this ignited the conversation and the exercise, and I see now that the truth is: I have to see my mother for who she is, the lies.  So I may feel less/no GUILT in acting the way I want.  See what holds me back isn’t empathy for my mothers, but still believing somewhat who SHE told me I am.  It is uncovering the truth about her – so I may uncover the truth about me.

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