Dear Anita,

I agree. Thank you.

It has got me thinking some things, and I will ponder and let it sink in.

Dear Anita,

Oh I forgot to say – it is the 13th is the month. I feel good and proud about NC/NA today. I feel it is a good day to give myself credit as well as appreciate change in internal and external life.

Dear Anita,

The work is happening and I love it.

I had a dream, or something of that sort, right before I woke up.  It was my father talking to me, scolding me, as an adult, in real life at this age – as though  Iwas a child.  At first glance it felt normal, obvious – this is what happens.  But as I began to “awaken” more whether it was awaken from sleep – or in my dream…I thought of this:

my parents “tried” to raise a good child, not a good adult

I read this last night before falling asleep.  In reality my parents didn’t really try to raise a good child for the sake of the child – but that we know.  But in terms of this dream, and my point this morning – I was treated as a child.  I did not know this.  I thought it was caring parents.

In this dream my father is scolding me, big red bulging eyes – anger – fire steaming.  I am there, crouching slightly as I am scolded.  At the same time there is a twinge of guilt and sadness in my fathers eyes – almost saying I am so angry but so sad! I don’t know what to do – how to react – but ROAR.

My father – was angry from a world of repressed emotions starting from his childhood.  It is a fact, and the way he treated us was as an “adult” if it was convenient – but as a child if there was something that made him uncomfortable – which happened the majority of the time.

I of course struggle with many adult things i.e. how to balance a marriage, focus on my husband – because I was raised as a child, the whole time.

Dear Anita,

What I mean by this is that they kept me as a child.

Even as a grown woman about to get married, my father talked to me and belittled me as a young child.  Never respected that I had my own autonomy and abilities.  It is funny how they “talked so much” about how important it is to make it out in the world.  And I did – and of course, this was not greeted with applause, but taken as a threat.

I recall being at my aunts house one day, a strange day – and my father talking to my uncle:

“oh we would never let her marry someone like him if it wasnt for her age – because of her age I guess that she has to settle for what she can get…”

I recall during the whole wedding process, them being happy and boasting when things were on their side, but in reality, treating me like an infant.  My mother calling and threatening me – and once seeing that unlike a 5 year old that goes and hides, I am a capable adult — would become even more enraged – and try harder – shoot more.

This was common in India, when we went for my wedding shopping – if you recall the trip that you said would be a terrible idea – well of course!

My mother and father had me in their room screaming at me one at a time, throwing “punches” one goes, then the next then the next…lets see how much we can break her down! not that any child should be treated this way – but not talking to me as an adult.

ironically though when I was young, my mom would play victim and I would have to play the “adult” role – as soon as she felt threatened she would exclaim “you are NOT MY MOTHER who do YOU think you are.. stop telling me what to do – acting like you have it all figured out – go look in the mirror at yourself and all your problems..”

Dear anita,

Yes, it does hurt to be hit where soft.

As far as my husband, my father praised him so much – and often put me down – until the very end – when things got bad during the wedding planning – not that they werent to begin with but you know what I man, at that time it was full out against him.

Heres an example of the back and forth, cruel unpreditable wavering behavior.

My in laws were once at my house and we had gotten into a big argument regarding the hotel accommodations for guests for the wedding, My father started exclaiming to my in laws – well fiances parents at the time —

“what kind of daughter treats her own parents like garbage.  look at this! do you see her.  she is an embarassment.  I dont know what we did so bad in this life to deserve her.”

my in laws were speechless..

yet weeks later, the above example, him exclaiming that his daughter had to settle because she is old and no longer capable of finding someone better – sigh, what a tragedy for her

Dear Anita,

What an amazing post – you truly get it – you do! you explained so well my mother, and how contradictory.

Your mother has been so contradictory in her messages I am surprised you are as sane as you are.

I too am surprised at how sane I am.  Actually I think thats what drives me recently as far as the business model – sometimes it says to me “look how much you went through and you came out sane, don’t settle, you can achieve great things, go for it, don’t settle” but of course with that it creates a sense of urgency and anxiety / conversation for another day.

In the same day my mother is ecstatic I cured her loneliness my bringing a friend over, but anguished at the burden it caused. In the same day my mother is ecstatic I am “finally” engaged, but enraged that now the engagement party may not go her way.  In the same day, same hour.  In the same day my mom is ecstatic to throw her “perfect daughter” her bridal shower, but a moment later throwing a fit that one aunt – who she hates mind you – didnt show up.  So the entire ride home says how its a waste to throw such events because people don’t appreciate them.

Oh Anita, how horrific, terrifying and exhausting.

I would love to speak further, like this, or the exercise – whatever you choose.

Dear Anita,

It sure does make for an agitated brain.  Of course my brain is constantly wavering and up and down.  Of course there is usually a constant state of unease/anxiety.  Of course.

I would like to resume the exercise:

I’ll start by saying:

my mom always gets amazed by other people, she says oh my look how amazing that person is and what they did. but she also gets sad that she never did any of that stuff