May 14, 2019 at 10:43 am #293719
I feel confused. Sometimes my mom is happy, but then she says I did bad.
One time when my cousin K came over to swim, we were running around in our bathing suits. She is small and skinny and I am bigger.
We were running and playing tag and having so much fun. we were having the best day. I think we are 12 or so.
Well my mom took me aside and said that I shoudlnt run in a bathing suit like that. I am getting older and it “doesnt look good”. My cousin K isn’t developing like me, so I have to be more careful when I wear a bathing suit and run now. She said that my aunt and uncle were looking and snickering because I was doing that – my mom said it: “don’t do it see – they were looking at you and laughing – laughing at you like you’re foolish, you don’t want that – so you have to be more aware”May 14, 2019 at 10:47 am #293723
you didn’t run anymore like that, in a bathing suit, careful, like she said?
anitaMay 14, 2019 at 10:54 am #293727
I was careful for the rest of the day. But I was annoyed. I didn’t undertand what my mom said and why. I can’t say I thought about it again though. sometimes I don’t really listen to my momMay 14, 2019 at 5:40 pm #293783
I am thinking about the agitated bird bird the bird that is sitting on the ledge looking left and right, left and right, unable to be still, frenzied and its appearance and it’s state. I took a nap after work today, it’s uncommon, and after I woke up in a way – I looked for that dread. I noticed that it is common to feel like this bird, at any given moment instead of feeling some solace, feeling that thread, uneasiness, frenzy. Picking something out in my brain to fixate on or worry on.
I noticed another feeling today too, not a new one, but when I was better able to point out today. A feeling of being stuck. Not stuck in my life or an unhappy life per se. What a visual of someone that still feels hell down to apply and wants freedom, wants to run and be free. Tangibly the first way I can think about this is my work. We talked one or two weeks ago about the medical system now. It was great of you to discuss this with your husband also, and what he stated is correct. The medical system now can be very disgruntled and for physicians, it’s not the work that we do put more of the system, and the management. Feeling controlled and like a small wheel in the cog. not really getting much respect. Respect is not the right word it is quite difficult to explain, but I’m sure there is this feeling of being owned by the system And not really having much control over it. In my case, also not being able to practice creatively in the way I want to be able to flourish my own talent. This is where the wellness center enters. I noticed that I have this drag, but I must do something to break free, to be able to practice on my own, to not be bogged down by people like that lady at work, who are Draining.
I noticed that I get bogged down by these people more than others. It’s not because I just letthem, it’s that I have become quite hyper sensitive to negative people in my life for obvious reasons. I noticed that it sometimes feels like They are getting away with it, the mother voice would have said this, look at them acting how they are how terrible and always getting away with it. I noticed how it feels like they are getting away with it, this lady is getting away with it, and here I am stuck. Stuck not being the amazing creative person I can be. Building my self up for me – making use of my talent. Stuck with these types. I notice I feel this way.
I also noticed that the reality of my employment is not bad. My hours are very reasonable for my field, and it is a great full-time job while I dissect out how I want to start my own business. I noticed that objectively reality is different then the feelings that I notice.
It feels like I have done so much work that I should get some credit for it. Not credit as in recognition, fame, or money. But perhaps it’s more like the art of being able to express myself. So in fact credit is not the right word, I want to be able to flourish, share my wisdom and experience, sing at the top of my lungs and not be told to just follow the lines but instead belt out with what comes from the heart.
I am not a particularly religious person, but perhaps spiritual at times. There have been so many signs from the universe in the past week that have guided me this way. I know it is my time. I just have to take the first steps.
I know no real work comes from frustration, that it Hass to come from a place of positive energy and creativity. But I also know that in a few months if I continue to feel this way it will not sit right with me at all, I may “explode.”
Not to be overly artistic but maybe this is what great things are made of, perhaps this is the start of something beautiful. Perhaps it is not just anxiety or frenzy, but my inner creative spirit trying to sing.May 14, 2019 at 5:54 pm #293787
Dear Cali Chica:
I didn’t know you posted in the morning, the post before last. That submission didn’t reflect under topics so I thought you were away from the computer. In the future if you see that I am online, posting to other members, but your recent post to me goes unanswered, it is because I don’t know you posted: check and see if your name shows to the right of the your topic title. If you see my name instead of yours, you can submit something like “didn’t reflect under Topics” and it will correct it. I wish I knew because I was hoping to continue the exercise this morning.
I will read your second, most recent post in a moment.
anitaMay 14, 2019 at 6:07 pm #293789
Dear Cali Chica:
I am not very focused and will re-ready your recent post tomorrow morning, but for now, if you can answer the following:
1. “the art of being able to express myself”- are you referring to the Wellness Center or..?
2. “There have been so many signs from the universe in the past week that have guided me this way”- what signs and what is “this way” specifically?
3. “in a few months if I continue to feel this way it will not sit right with me at all, I may ‘explode'”- feel what way, very specifically and explode how?
anitaMay 14, 2019 at 7:03 pm #293801
Dear Cali Chica:
Regarding “that dread”, I felt it too tonight, more pronounced, and I was worried about you. You are doing so much work, I keep thinking it may be too much, too quickly. If you are reading this and it is night time and your husband is there sleeping, get close to him and hug him, rest your head on his chest, feel his warmth and rest your tired brain.
anitaMay 15, 2019 at 3:47 am #293841
Good morning. Today I am writing to you first thing in the morning. The reason being is that I read your last post. You had read my mind but I had not even read the post. I was about to go to sleep and I felt some heaviness, a little bit of that dread that we talked about. My husband came in to bed and I did not feel like sleeping or resting because my mind was buzzing. But I was mindful, and I rested my head on his chest, I let all the thoughts wash over me. I did not judge myself for not being truly relaxed in this moment, as I know that is too much to expect. But, the true notion of this sort of bond is very important. Perhaps sometimes even if we don’t feel fully relaxed in the brain if we bring ourselves to rest and bond and this way it is still quite therapeutic. It was. I skipped my morning yoga session today that I tried to do on Wednesdays. Today I feel the need to ease into my morning a little bit slower, perhaps take a shower that is more than five minutes, perhaps make myself a cup of tea. Usually my mornings involve running from one thing to another and then to the subway to work. Anita, I know I am doing the hard work and I appreciate it. Because of it I am noticing the differences in my mind and my levels of tiredness, and I am adjusting my life. This is exactly what I want to be doing and I am completely content with our work.
As far as those questions you asked me, I will leave those to another time. I don’t want to get carried away with speaking about work/the wellness center idea. I know that everything is into related, but at this time our current conversations and the exercise are supremely important to me. I can’t begin to tell you how much it is unleashing, not in the way of terrible intense emotional release, but just a feeling that there is a part of my brain opening up that has been repressed for a while. It feels very good and important and necessary and it is happening in the perfect way. I am having vivid visualizations of parts of my past that make me feel very human. Are used to wonder why I couldn’t remember many things, or access emotions related to old memories. It is because they were oppressed. Anita, I am now reminded that I am human/ and able to access those just like everyone else so to speak. It is incredible what “exercises” can do. It is good. Shall we continue when you are awake and ready. Or speak in any way. I hope so. I had a nice cup of ginger tea this morning, perhaps you will start your day with some tea as well.
I feel a tenderness towards you this morning as I read your last post. You were worried about me, this brought a tear to my eye. You were worried about me because I am doing so much work, and you are right. And do you know what? perhaps only you can appreciate it. I feel thankful that you can because that’s there are certain days where we all need this reminder – that we are working hard. So we also need rest. And at the end of the evening without you telling me/or reading it – I took that rest. Progress and sinking in.May 15, 2019 at 6:21 am #293851
Dear Cali Chica:
Good, I was worried it was too much but you never cease to amaze me, this is why I say you are indeed amazing. I am ready to continue, you can start (where we stopped yesterday or anywhere else).
anitaMay 15, 2019 at 6:30 am #293855
You, too, never cease to amaze me – not because I have been with you since the start of your journey (as you have been with mine) but because your care, concern, dedication – and now I see — tenderness. I see that now, because I recognize that as a real emotion, so seeing it in you, also I see it in me.
I am ready to begin the exercise..May 15, 2019 at 6:49 am #293859
Dear Cali Chica:
Thank you. Tenderness, that soft feeling, affection, I feel it too for you, and it is still.. a bit awkward for me because of so many, many years of this soft part being shut down, pushed down, minimized best my brain was capable of doing.
Begin the exercise then, if you have something in mind start with it. If you need me to start somewhere, here it is:
Little Cali Chica, when you brought a friend over, and your mother was so happy, that made you feel good. When your friend was gone and you were alone with your mother, she was upset that your friend’s mother had an easy day and she worked like a slave. What did you think then, when that happened, do you remember?
anitaMay 15, 2019 at 7:32 am #293863
I remember thinking, wow, that must be hard for my mom – she has to work all day and do all the work! my dad doesn’t help her with housework, and she has no friends, that is sad.
I thought about how these American people they have it easy, they don’t care that much. The moms go and drop their kids off and have fun, and don’t worry about their kids like my mom. or they don’t clean the house. it made me think about how her job is hard.May 15, 2019 at 7:38 am #293865
Are you angry at the other moms who have it easy, the moms who go and drop their kids and have fun?
anitaMay 15, 2019 at 7:57 am #293871
Yes! why should they go do that and not my mom! thats not fair!
After all my mother went through doesn’t she deserve to relax and have fun! when I see her having fun and smiling it makes me happy – she makes it known – look we had a good time I am happy today – look what a good day!!May 15, 2019 at 8:02 am #293873
When you visit a friend in her home and see her mom, do you smile to her mom, are you angry at her mom for having the good life that belongs to your mother?