fbpx
Menu

Should I reunite with my old friend?

Home→Forums→Relationships→Should I reunite with my old friend?

New Reply
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • April 4, 2018 at 5:21 pm #200867
    Katie
    Participant

    This is going to be a very long story but please bear with me. Out of all my posts on this site, this one is probably the most important to me because it is about an old friend. I am going to tell the whole story because I believe every detail counts.

    Freshman year I had 2 great friends named Bianca and Gabi. Bianca and Gabi were my bestttt friendssss ever. To this day, they are two of my favorite people. We were friends for 2 years (super close) before me and Bianca got boyfriends. This kinda separated us from each other. We went off with our boyfriends.

    In December, Bianca had a small get together. Her boyfriend (of 2 years at this point) was there, along with Gabi and some other people. I was there but left early. Everyone got super drunk. Gabi and Bianca’s boyfriend (let’s call him Jared) slept over Bianca’s after. They were too drunk to drive. Well, apparently while Bianca was sleeping Gabi and Jared had sex.

    This is completely out of character for Gabi. But it happened. And Gabi and Jared were both honest about it. It was an honest mistake. Things happen. They were drunk. It shouldn’t have happened and it was horrible, but this wasn’t like either of their personalities!!!

    After this, everyone dropped Gabi. They called her a slut and said what she did was so wrong. Even Bianca agreed with everyone. I agreed too.. but not completely. How could I? Gabi was my best best best friend ever. Had 4 years of great memories with her at this point. I never thought we’d stop being friends. She was a really good person.

    Everyone told me “no, no she is a bad person. Believe me” but I didn’t believe them because they didn’t know her like me. But then people began to tell me things she had done. Like how she used to brag about how my boyfriend would look at her chest. And that’s when I began to agree. I began to think “maybe she is a bad person”

    So I ditched her too. It’s been 4 months since we’ve talked. And I have missed her a lot but today… I miss her sooo much. I miss Bianca and Gabi as my friends. Things are not the same without them. Something in me is very tempted to contact her again. However, there are some things holding me back:

    1) All my current friends do not like Gabi. They want nothing to do with her and ANYTIME I bring up contacting Gabi they give me weird looks. Once my friend told me “if you’re friends with Gabi we can’t be friends”

    We had an argument about it. She said if I am going to run back to Gabi, then it shows my morals. I can’t change my friends’ minds either. I have a hunch that if I befriend Gabi again, they’re naturally going to drift away from me. And… I don’t want to be friendless.

    2) My boyfriend dislikes her very much. He thinks (now after this happened) that she is not a good friend. He thinks she is also a slut who can’t be trusted. Every time I have brought up contacting her again, he shuts me down immediately. He says “how are you going to associate with that. Everyone hates her after this” and is completely against the idea. I know it will cause a huge fight between us.

    3) Maybe she is a bad person like everyone says  (even though I have been friends with her longer than everyone else and know she is a good person)

    4) I have talked badly about her with everyone out of… sadness? I think I didn’t know how to handle the loss of my friendship with her so I would start talking badly about her. Now I realize I didn’t mean those things I said

     

    Help me make this decision…. should I contact her again?

    April 4, 2018 at 5:38 pm #200875
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Katie,

    I am wondering about something…what happened to Jared in all of this?  And why was Gabi shunned but not Jared too?

    April 4, 2018 at 5:54 pm #200877
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Katie,

    This is a difficult situation.  You want to be loyal to Gabi, and you miss her.  You have all these people telling you she is not a good person.  You spoke badly about her, but you didn’t – and don’t – actually feel that she is a bad person.  You view what happened between Jared and Gabi as a mistake and being out of character – this is actually a mature way of viewing relationships.  Because really, when you get down to it, what happened between Jared and Gabi is a reflection of something not working in Jared and Bianca’s relationship, as much as it might be a potential character flaw in Jared and Gabi.  The fact that Jared and Gabi slept together after drinking too much is just a symptom of problems in Jared and Bianca’s relationship.  I am in no way condoning that what happened is okay, but you grasp that this is not about either of them being bad people and that it is something that just happened.

    If I were you, before you get back in touch with Gabi, I would consider all the pros and cons of doing so.  For every action, there is a reaction, and you need to be prepared for what the fallout could be if you do contact Gabi and continue your friendship with her.  You say that you don’t want to be friendless – is this your fear of what will happen if you do contact Gabi?  What if you contact Gabi, and she turns out to still be the great friend you remember and your friendship continues on?  Are you ready to forego the other friends you have to reunite with Gabi?

    For what this is worth, I think the friends who have shunned Gabi because of this incident are short sighted and are blind to the fact that Jared was also there, and had a part in all of this too.  And they are a rather unforgiving bunch.   I don’t know if those are the kind of friends I’d want to have.

    Airene

     

    April 5, 2018 at 12:18 pm #201003
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    What Gabi and Jared did was wrong, but this should have stayed between Gabi, Bianca, and Jared. How sad that “everyone dropped Gabi”. She’s been ostracized for 4 months now?? Does anyone know if she is okay?

    It’s never a good idea to talk badly about another person. Once you do it, you can’t un-do it. Look what all this hurtful gossip has done to her, being known in certain circles as a “slut”. I don’t know how this situation can be fixed. If I were Gabi, I would probably want to move away and start fresh somewhere else.

    Do the right thing and contact her and make sure she is okay.

    B

    April 5, 2018 at 1:51 pm #201035
    Mark
    Participant

    Katie,

    We all make mistakes.  I look at the person to see if they recognize that they made one, that they own up to it, and that they make reparations about it.  For the most part, people do not deliberately and consciously do bad things.

    Look at who you are.  What are your core values?  Do you value Gabi as a person and as a friend?  If you value friendship, loyalty, and honesty?  Gabi did nothing wrong to you.  You and your friends are judging her.  You know that bible saying, He who without sin cast the first stone?

    If you do decide to get back together with her, you may want to ask her about what the others said about what she might have said about you behind your back.

    It IS hard to go against the crowd especially if one is your boyfriend.  Walking your talk (integrity, kindness, friendship, etc.) is hard.  Standing up for what you believe in when faced with the consequences of the loss of your circle of friends is daunting.  This is a good test for yourself in seeing what you truly believe in despite what others think.  This is what courage means.

    Mark

    April 5, 2018 at 3:06 pm #201043
    Katie
    Participant

    Airene,

    Bianca and Jared are still together. Everyone expected Bianca to break up with Jared, but she never did. People say she is a bad person, not only because of what she did, but also how she used to say things behind people’s backs. But I know Gabi is a good person, and it is very hard for me to believe she ever had bad intentions. In my opinion, I think people are twisting things she has said/done in a way to excuse dropping her.

    I completely agree, I feel like everyone is being short sighted. I have also been feeling really down lately because I do not feel like I can trust the people I am around. I am not as close with them as I was with Gabi. It has caused me to feel really depressed. I feel like… if I ever made a mistake or did something wrong, then all my friends could drop me too..

    April 5, 2018 at 3:11 pm #201045
    Katie
    Participant

    Brandy,

    It should have stayed between the 3 of them. I agree. But Gabi (probably not thinking and also in shock about the situation) told one of my friends who is a little immature about it. I think she told this friend because she needed somebody to confide in. But, this friend broke her trust and told EVERYONE about what happened.. causing her to lose all her friends. At the time, I did get the feeling that what this friend did was wrong, but was too caught up in wondering what, how, why, when, where. I was so confused. I couldn’t take it in, and the majority of our friends just decided then and there.. that she was a horrible person. As time goes on, I am realizing things. I don’t know how much I like/trust my friends that I have. Because friends are supposed to stick together through situations like this, not judge and ditch. I have been feeling really uneasy, I do not trust these people at all to be honest. I want new friends, and I miss Gabi

    April 5, 2018 at 3:17 pm #201049
    Katie
    Participant

    Mark,

    Yeah, it is going to be hard if my friends decide I am a bad person too, and ditch me as well. I am more worried about my friends ditching me than my boyfriend. I have a hunch that my friends are fake towards me and talk bad about me. I think that is part of what is motivating me though. The fact that I don’t trust my friends makes me want to reach out to people I do trust. And Gabi had always been that friend for me. I honestly see my friends (who ditched Gabi) as immature and small minded. They aren’t people I want to be around. Well, half of them ditched Gabi because she wasn’t that close with her but the other half was very immature and (maybe even wrong) to leave a friend over that reason. I think it was purely done out of judgement. Gabi had a very high moral understanding, something everyone else lacked. It isn’t that hard to see that Gabi IS a good person. Everyone else is just judging her, showing they really were never real friends in the first place. But I always saw Gabi as my true friend. And I know I need to stick by the real ones.

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.