October 14, 2014 at 9:43 am #66265
Hello guys, i really need some advice here. I’ve been reading everything i can, specially in this website, to help me in the moving on process. I had a girlfriend for almost two years, and it was the best relantionship i could have asked for. We built an amazing trust, love and strenght together, we had the laughing parts, the great intimate part and some problems too, like everyone does. After seven problematic break ups with other women, i fanally learned what love is, with her. I gotta say, i don’t have the ilusion that she is the only one, that no one else can make me happy, bla bla. I don’t think that, i have my own issues and i have to learn how to love myself and be happy dispite being alone.
We broke up 6 weeks ago, because i made some stupid mistakes. I treated her very badly, but it wasn’t my intention (didn’t cheat or anything). I only realized that some behaviors upset her, after the break up. So she said “i’m tired of suffering because of you”. After three weeks separated, i went to her house to talk to her again, and she said she didn’t love me anymore, that she felt nothing. So i started moving on, with a great amount of suffering. For her, i was ok, but inside i was destroyed. But i didn’t go after her, or talked to her again, i was living my life.
The thing is, after two weeks of this conversation, i saw her again. I went to a house where our mutual friend gathered to drink, talk and stuff……and before i got there, she was a little drunk. Her friends (they’re my friends too) told me that she was very upset, that she couldn’t sleep, that it was very hard to move on from me. She told them that it was an obligattion to tell me that there were no feelings at all, that she HAD to say that to keep me away. But the truth is that she is very scared of getting hurt again, but she still loves me. She just doesn’t bellieve that i changed. And when i got there, she was very embaressed (she doens’t know that i know), i felt that she wanted to kiss me. Kept asking if i already hooked up with anyone…..typed to her friends that i was a temptation and that i was very hot that night…
I’m lost and confused. I’m not going after her, but of course i want her back. i’m trying to move on, but she was the only woman i ever loved, dispite having other meningful relationships. We had our problems, but i love her still and miss her very much. i don’t wanna have her so my life is complete again, my life has to be complete without anyone. But i miss kissing and huging her so much….she looked so sad that night, i wanted to hold her so much and take her pain away, even tough i know i can’t do that….i wanna see her happy, not sad because of me. Looks like she thinks i’m gonna put her trough suffering all over again. But losing her made me realize that some behaviors need to change, and it was the greatest revelation about people and relationships i ever had.
This is a short version, but do you guys have a few moments to give me some advice, or something to read….? I’m locked with this ansiety that doesn’t go away…… sorry if i was confusing in this text, but i wouldn’t come here if it wasn’t such a big deal.October 14, 2014 at 6:50 pm #66295
help me out guys, i’m in a situation that i’ve never been before…October 15, 2014 at 11:29 am #66315IkeParticipant
Oh we all make mistakes and continue to make them trust me.
I believe you actually answered you own question, acknowledge that you know you hurt her and how you did that or get as close as you can, and then just be honest Tell her how you feel about her, especially that you did not know what love was until you met her (even if you think is sounds a little corny, its what you were thinking and that’s what counts), then tell her the second part that you find yourself “in a situation that (you have) never been before…”
Simply start there and see where it leads you, be open, listen……work it out
My personal experience is that we all tend to push away someone we love at one time or another most of the time it involves a conflict within us not them, to be honest still don’t understand it but Ive done it many a times myself.October 15, 2014 at 8:56 pm #66329Howard CParticipant
I can understand your pain. I broke up with my ex girlfriend one month ago.
Do not blame yourself for what you have done, but instead, reflect on them and try to change yourself, even a little at a time, for your own sake and for your girlfriend.
I think you can write her an email or hand-written letter to tell her that you are sorry and how much she meant to you and that she is special. Be kind and gentle in the letter(or email), do not give her any pressure, no guilt. Be honest with your feeling but write in a way that does not give pressure or blame.
Be honest but do not make yourself sounds desperate, now (in this letter at least) is not the time to tell her that you miss her so much you want to make love or you want to hug her(just an example here). But you can tell her you miss her because she is special in your life.
Show your gratitude to her in the letter, thank her for even the smallest things, example: the breakfast she cooked, how she helped to choose your clothes when you guys go for shopping. Again, be kind & positive in the letter, nothing heavy that will make her feel uncomfortable or confused
Tell her that you will always be there for her and she can contact you anytime when she need to.
After the letter, give her some space to think and recover, it is ok (and sometimes necessary) to have no contact for a few days or even weeks. And if you you do contact her or see her, send short “How are you?” “Everything OK?” “All the best in your work” type of emails to show that you care. If you do see/meet her, give her a warm smile, and a gentle greeting. Again, nothing heavy that will make her uncomfortable
I believe she have feelings for you, you just need to be kind and gentle to her, and give her time. I believe time and sincerity and your love.
This is just my own opinion.
Now that you are alone, use this time to polish and improve yourself (and change)
I hope and pray that everything will turn out for both of you
Lets us know how it goes. All the best
HowardOctober 16, 2014 at 6:25 am #66337
Ike and Howard C
Ike, for sure mistakes will continue to happen. Do you think there is any way of thinking more clearly when we feel that rush of hurting the ones we love? I’m meditating to learn how to control myself, so that i don’t push people away anymore….
Howard, i’m sorry to hear that…..is there any way we can help you? Listen to you? Thank you for being compassionate. I have done those things that you said, including the letter, in that night i said we talked and she said she didn’t love me (when she did). I recognized all my mistakes to her that night, and she still rejected me. I really think she loves me but does not want me back because she is sure i’m gonna hurt her, all over again. For the first time in my life, i’m sure i won’t. Because i’m doing exactly what you said, i’m using this time to think, to evolve as a human. I never liked myself, but i love this new me. That’s why i think this brek up was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
We talked on the phone just now, like 10 minutes ago, and she said she gonna ask me out latter today. I’m not full of expectations, because she seems distant…like she wants to talk to me, but she’s scared. If we do go out tonight, should i do the things you guys said, and… something else?
I’m very afraid. Thanks for helping me, i hope i can hear you guys too!October 16, 2014 at 6:36 am #66338turquoise115Participant
Words are cheap, actions are all that matter to women. They see through good intentions and observe us men in a way that is hard to understand. Your girlfriend realized that she loved you deeply and that her life would be one of expecting you to understand her but never would so she ended what she thought was hopeless. However here is the good news, women want and need men. The challenge is to be one! I speak from experience so I am hoping you read this many times. Men have emotional control, they understand that a women’s world is typically much more emotionally draining and intense than ours and a man can take all the stress and still make sure he treats her gently. Do your own thing but include her, dress well, eat well and have some discipline in your job or exercise routine. That my friend is the simple formula. I hope this helps it took me a while to learn it.October 16, 2014 at 7:53 am #66341IkeParticipant
Great if she wants to go out use it as a starting point to show the new you, I would not bring up all the other things I mentioned unless you feel its needed, that was to try and get your foot back in the door.
It is more important to show her than tell her anyway. I would still apologize sometime in the future but its always better to build some good will (over time) before jumping in if you can, so save it for another day.
Just be the guy you feel you should have been, and try to relax. Take it slow and easy time will heal especially if you show that you have actually changed. Just make sure you are happy with the changes you are making, because you will always have to look yourself in the mirror.
Good luckOctober 16, 2014 at 10:06 am #66350
Thanks again guys. She said she would call, but i’m not couting on it. Every time i expect something of life, i get upset. I would never make a move on her now, dispite all the desires i have. If we talk today, i’ll let you guys know, because this story needs some closure, i’m getting way too anxious. But i’ll try to have that emotional control so she can see i’m the partner to count on, when her emotions are out of control.October 16, 2014 at 3:11 pm #66355
Well, it hapenned as said it would. No calls, no nothing. Of course i’m very disappointed, i created expectations. I thought i had passed this phase of suffering because of her. I’m sick of this. I was in the moving on process before these events of last week……i tried not to be happy about the possibility of seeing her again, but there it is. Sorry guys, but it hurts like hell…..don’t know what to say.October 16, 2014 at 3:46 pm #66356
Sorry to hear that Tyler.
You were in the moving on process but got side-tracked because you had expectations and you still cared for her and a part of you wanted to give it a chance, and that’s totally ok and normal. I think everyone goes through this cycle after a break-up. Just pick up where you left off, and continue with moving on and the healing process.
Take care 🙂October 16, 2014 at 3:53 pm #66358
Well Pooch, i think i wouldn’t create any expectations if she didn’t said those things, that she liked me and bla bla. She was the one who asked to speak to me today too and said she would call so we could go out today. I think that was unfair to my feelings! I’m so hurt now, in this moment, Pooch…..she could have called and said “sorry, we won’t go out today because of this and this”. Would be much better than this indiference.October 16, 2014 at 4:11 pm #66360
I totally get it, Tyler. Not your fault for having expectations, you had good reasons for having them. I’ve been there with an ex. It hurts like hell, I know. At least, now you know she is not going to make good her word, so next time, you will be stronger and focus more on the process of moving on. Believe me, it gets better. I think if she had called you and told you that you are not meeting, then maybe that would just make you “hope” more.October 22, 2014 at 7:49 am #66643
Pooch and the other guys….. I talked talked to her that day, she had some problems and called me late in night. I understood.
We saw eachother yesterday, laughed, acted normal around one another. In the end of the night, a talk led to another and she admited to still have feelings for me, that i was the reason that she was so sad for past few weaks. Tried to omit some things to keep her pride, but i knew it wasn’t true that she was happy at anytime because of our break up. We talked a lot, it was so good to see her…..i love her very much. It seems that even by knowing what her real feelings for me are, she wouldn’t give me any room to kiss her, or to do anything. I don’t know what to do, what move to make. We ended the night as friends, but i don’t see any reasons for at least a kiss, not to happen. We both still like eachother, we miss eachother, we have an amazing connection, it’s so easy for us to laugh and relax…… she saw that i really changed. So why?
We’re gonna meet, probably, this saturday. I know i don’t have her, but i’m so afraid that something is gonna happen soon and she gonna stop loving me…..it’s so hard to not have any hope at all….
my question becomes: how to give up hope and just let it happen?October 22, 2014 at 11:06 am #66653
I think the answer is simple but it’s an everyday decision and a lifelong process – focus on yourself, make yourself a priority and be happy, with or without her. 🙂
Good luck!October 23, 2014 at 4:59 am #66674
But the pain is comingo back….i have never been in this kind of situation before, with this everlasting sensation of mourning, loss…..why would she want to be friends with me, giving that she just admited to like me? Something different has to happen with me, it’s just not working to focus on work, friends, parties, myself and everything else, this is dragging me down, as much as i hate to admit it!