Dear Dave:

You are welcome and thank you for the good wishes at the end of your post.

“I have now lived in a much smaller house (like tiny) for nearly 11 months… our 3 children are my joint responsibility and I have them 3/4 days a week… My new home has enough space etc. to work for me and the kids, but it is smaller than the family home”- oh, when you wrote “tiny” earlier, I thought that it meant that there wasn’t enough space for the kids.

“it just feels really unfair and costing me a fortune every month“- I’d say that this is something for you to discuss with your divorce attorney, if you have one, or to discuss with your ex, if you don’t have an attorney.

“I did start of with walking for longer distances… I don’t typically experience any issue with my knee“- good thing, just keep in mind that brisk walking is an option. good to read back from you, Dave, and I hope to read from you again!

anita

Dear Dave:

Another update, 2 months and 10 days since the last one, and almost 1.5 years since your very first post (Jan 24, 2023). Good to read from you again!

After 14 years of marriage and three kids (2 preteens and a 3-year-old),  back in Jan 2023,  the relationship with your wife was unhappy and you were sleeping on the sofa. She told you that the two of you are “just too different”, that she “feels trapped“, and she complained that you were “lazy, sarcastic, unmotivated and show a general lack of initiative“. On Feb 7, 2023, the two of you attended your 1st couples counseling session. It was a good session and the morning after (you still sleeping on the sofa), she wanted to cuddle with you, and you felt somewhat optimistic. On Feb 14, 2023, the two of you had your 2nd couple counseling session where your wife complained that you were “negative, defensive and letting her lead on everything“, that you were “constantly around as opposed to having our own things going on“. You complained about the lack of intimacy, and you shared that you were “in a constant state of feeling out of control and emotional about our situation“, not knowing if “she either wants to try and work with me or make a decision to part ways”.

Four months later, on June 15, 2023, you posted a 4-month update: in early March 2023, while still living in the same house with your wife, you stayed the night at a friend’s house following having had too much to drink, and you lied to your wife about where you stayed that night. She found out, and “coupled with the fact she thinks we have nothing in common… and effectively (I) behave like a 4th child in the house – this is all too much for her, and she wants to end the relationship“. Following that early March incident and confrontation, the two of you were “separated and living apart amicably“.

On June 19, 2023, you shared: “The main problem is she no longer trusts or respects me, and for that reason cannot see a future in our relationship“.

On July 3rd, 2023, you shared that when living with her, you felt that she was your superior: “I have been pretending that I am her equal when mentally I still feel inferior and I need to dig into that“. You believed at the time that “moving into my own place and setting up a separate life… I feel I will start to  work out more who I am and what I want…  I have to discover the real me…  to be at peace with who I am and what I stand for“. You were about to start individual counseling at the time and “embrace a voyage of self discovery“.

Five months later, on Dec 4, 2023, you posted another update: a couple of months or so after moving out, the two of you “enjoyed some time in the bedroom, but it felt like that’s all it was, just a physical thing“.  At the 6-months separation point, you shared: “Nothing has really changed on the relationship front, we are still very amicable and text most days but very surface level and transactional“, and you were considering meeting someone new: “At the end of the day I could continue to wait around for her to change her mind which doesn’t seem likely or I can try and get myself back out there”.

More than 4 months later, on April 25, 2024, you shared that you met a woman from Ireland: “Not a lot has changed… I met a girl who gets me and seems really keen to be with me whilst understanding my complex situation… I feel happier and have spent so much time focusing on myself and my mental health. I run now about 40-70km a week which I have never done, I go to the gym and I’m trying to continue to challenge myself which I love“.

Not yet 3 months later, you shared today: “I recently ended my Irish fling… It has been 14 months since I separated from my wife… we still co-parent really well and she knows I am a good father… Is it wrong that I still continue to feel like there could be something still there between my ex and I???… On one hand I am so happy with my life right now and have rediscovered what I had lost during our marriage, but having been on dates and met other woman none are quite the same as her and it has me thinking and confused… Any advice welcome Dave“-

– I want to bring up a few things to you: (1) in your first post, Jan 2023, you shared that you met your wife after having “ just broken up from a relationship“. Fast forward, you just ended the relationship with the Irish woman (“I recently ended my Irish fling“), and you are thinking about getting back together with your estranged wife.

It may be that you have too much trouble being alone/ unattached to a woman, and when unattached, you quickly seek attachment, be it to a new woman or to an ex.

On Dec 5, 2023, you wrote: ” I feel very alone when my children are not there“. Feeling very alone/ too alone now, after recently being no-longer attached to the Irish woman?

(2) Life would be simpler financially and practically, if the next attachment would be to your now-estranged wife, wouldn’t it?

(3) There is a HUGE elephant in the room: “The main problem is she no longer trusts or respects me” (June 9, 2023). Unless this has drastically changed, getting back together with her would be a bad, bad idea.

Having re-read your posts this morning, I noticed that she complained about you a lot (that you are lazy and other disrespectful evaluations of who you are), but you didn’t complain at all about who she is. This is congruent with you feeling inferior to her, as in.. deserving her disrespect.

(4) You shared back in Feb 14, 2023, that you were “in a constant state of feeling out of control and emotional about our situation“. You don’t want to go back to that feeling out of control, do you? I mean, your estranged wife, if she still disrespects you (as she has for such a long time), it wouldn’t be a good idea to reunite with her because being disrespected day after day is bad for your mental health, and bad for your kids to observe.

anita

Dear Dave:

You are welcome. Good to read that you are certainly fine and dandy without a partner (since May), having been focused on your own mental health and well-being, and that you don’t intend to make rash decisions that could damage the work you’ve done over the last 14 months!

“I also feel its important to clarify that she has hinted and indirectly highlighted that she has feelings for me that have just never gone away“- do you know why she hinted that she has feelings vs directly telling you so?

“I wouldn’t in anyway consider trying to make a permanent move with her if the points you make above were not addressed and clarified… Maybe I should have clarified that providing she can offer me some assurance and take some responsibility for her part in the breakup and relationship breakdown then I’d be interested to explore it??“- I think so, yes. I would discuss with her the topics of Responsibility and Respect. And perhaps (?) another topic that I came across this morning, when replying to another thread: the principle of least interest.

From psychology today/ power imbalances in  relationships explained:  “Why is it that we often find ourselves in romantic quagmires, where one person just seems to care more about the relationship than the other? The answer boils down to the principle of least interest. In 1938, sociologist Willard Waller coined this theory on the belief that most couples are not equally committed or invested in a relationship—therefore, the person who is less committed has more control over what happens to the relationship”.

anita

Dear David:

It’s good to read that you feel  really happy and very excited and enthusiastic!

(I am adding the boldface to the following): “We both agreed that the love had never gone but I have to admit it made it so hard for her to love me when I had no love for myself at the time”-

– Both love and respect are crucial in a marriage. Love fosters a deep emotional bond and connection between partners, creating a sense of belonging and intimacy. It involves caring for each other’s well-being and supporting one another through life’s challenges.

Respect ensures that both partners feel valued and treated as equals, which is fundamental for a healthy relationship. It builds trust and a sense of safety, as both partners honor each other. Respectful communication helps in resolving conflicts constructively, without belittling or hurting each other.

In essence, love without respect can lead to a relationship where one or both partners feel undervalued and disrespected. Conversely, respect without love can make the relationship feel cold and distant. Ideally, a strong marriage should have a balance of both love and respect, as they complement and reinforce each other.

I am looking forward to your next update, Dave. Wishing you and your family well!

anita

Dear Dave

Thanks for sharing how your year has been. It is good that you & your wife decided to call it quits whilst both of you are still have the capacity to be on friendly terms. Having given the marriage another chance means that when the inevitable what if? arises even momentarily in your mind you will be able to say to yourself “we have tried that & it didn’t work for either us, so no blame or guilt attached.
You are wise & compassionate human being, may lasting happiness come to you quickly
best wishes
Roberta

Dear Dave:

“I’m a great person, good friend, and awesome dad. Instead of having that validated my anyone else I have the live and breathe it for me and my kids.”- perfect ending to your post 😊

“I have been doing a lot of research on attachment theory knowing that I have more of an anxious attachment, and she has always said she has a secure attachment. But after exploring this more and knowing her parents and siblings I struggle to understand how she has a secure attachment and more likely an avoidant one… She lived alone from 16 and has always been fiercely independent.”-

That makes sense to me, Dave, that she is an Avoidant Thinking she’s Secure.

“I feel she has always been in love with the potential of me and the best parts of me, I have brought this up and tearfully she admitted that to be the case.”-

By being in love.. not with you, but with.. a person who is not you, she Avoided a strong attachment to you. By criticizing you as much she did, she kept an emotional distance from you. In other words, she avoided closeness with you. It all makes sense to me.

“I feel I deserve someone who loves me for the good and the bad, someone who will be there on the journey with me. In love with my potential but if I don’t reach it still love me where I am at.”-

That would take a woman with a secure attachment style, at least, one leaning that way, I figure.

“Its time to love myself and be happy with who I am”-

Yes, to no longer pay the price to be with her, the price of absorbing her narrative that you’re not good-enough. A narrative that protected her from closeness with you.. a closeness she felt threatening to her fiercely independent self-image, I figure.

What do you think, Dave?

🤍 Anita

Hi Dave

You hit the nail on the head Dave! You are both two different people with different ways of doing things. This is normal in a relationship and criticising someone who is genuinely trying their best isn’t healthy.

It seems like you both were in a cycle of blaming each other. Her blaming you, and you blaming her for blaming you. It happens when life is hard, but both parties need to work hard to break the cycle. It is a shame that she couldn’t let go of her side of things. 💔

I hear you, it takes compromise and work on both sides. That is the way that things should be, not just her way. If you felt she had tried to compromise and treat you more kindly, things might have been different.

No one deserves to feel less than. You’re special in your own unique way Dave. There is nothing wrong with being different. You cannot say that you didn’t try. You tried so hard and I see your pain – the pain of being rejected. ❤️

I’m glad to hear that moving into your old place has given you a new lease on life. You deserve it! I daresay you do got this. You have been raising three amazing kids. One of the hardest jobs there is. If you can do that, you can do anything. 😊