Dear Dave:

“It just felt to me that nothing I was doing was quite good enough – it was champagne or razorblades and not much in between… the highs were so high that I felt like a drug addict chasing the next high and forgetting about the tough parts in between… shed always say “I really want to be led and someone to share the responsibility with me” the more I did this the more it felt like it still wasn’t good enough or at her level. A bit of a vicious circle…”-

Back on Nov 6 (on this page), I talked about two concepts that explain this dynamic: Intermittent Reinforcement and Trauma Bonding. You can research these two terms, if you’d like.

Intermittent reinforcement, unlike consistent reinforcement, is what keep people addicted to using slot machines, for example. You don’t get a reward every time, you get it occasionally and unpredictably. When you do, dopamine surges (a “high”), and you keep playing for the next “high”. In abusive or toxic relationships, one partner positively rewards the other occasionally, unpredictably and that creates a “high” that keeps the partner hooked.

In a relationship like yours, when one partner is repeatedly cold/ disapproving/ critical and then- occasionally, unpredictably- rewards you with spending the night together, or telling you she still loves you- it’s the unpredictability of the positive reward that feels like an intense “high” and reinforces the emotional attachment/ bonding on the part of the victim of this dynamic.

From a source online: “Trauma bonding is a strong emotional attachment formed between a victim and an abuser, often through cycles of abuse and intermittent kindness. The unpredictability of affection or approval creates a powerful dependency. Victims often feel that if they just ‘try harder,’ they’ll get the reward (love, safety, validation) again. The victim may confuse abuse with love, rationalize harmful behavior, or feel unable to leave. Intermittent reinforcement is the psychological engine behind trauma bonding.”

Back to your words, Dave: “Not to be rude, but since when did she get to decide what the level should be and if I am or not good enough. The only person who should be able to dictate this is me… I have moved quite a bit of my stuff back into my old house and I have a renewed sense of hope and an overwhelming feeling of ‘I’ve got this!’ as I embark on this new journey. So much more equipped for what is needed and who I am meant to be moving forward. All in all the only person who can dictate if I am good enough is me!”-

Excellent thinking, Dave 🤞 My advice: beware of the addiction factor and the possibility, maybe likelihood of the next positive reward that may feel like.. the best thing in the world. On her part, she may be hooked on feeling superior to you and on keeping you hooked.. If she loses your interest completely, who would she feel superior in relation to?

Let’s say she does lose your romantic interest completely.. it’s not unthinkable that her next partner will also be.. not good-enough.

May the force be with you (a Star Wars saying 😊),Dave.

🤍 Anita