Hi Barry,

Were you hoping that by hanging around your friend a lot you would become her boyfriend by default?

Does she know how you feel?

I would stop your usual texting/contact with her. Like by a lot. Once a month sounds sane and non-threatening to the new guy.

And just because she’s seeing someone doesn’t mean she’s in love. It means this person is a good fit, and let’s see how long this lasts! Unless, of course, she said she was seeing someone because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings if you were to ask her out. Have you met this guy? Is he real?

Best,

Inky

I should totally stop texting her or can I still have casual chats at times? We used to text almost everyday.

I still don’t understand the meaning of seeing someone.

Hi Barry,

If all of these posts are about the same girl, I would stop texting altogether unless she texts you first.  I have many friends I used to text almost every day that eventually drifted apart and we don’t text at all anymore. It’s pretty common for that to happen. I have one guy friend in particular who was my best friend for about 6 years, we texted each other all day long, and then eventually one of us started seriously dating someone else, and we basically stopped talking for a while. More recently, we’ve started talking again. So, again, this sort of thing happens all the time and you just sort of have to let it happen.

“Seeing someone” just means they are dating each other. Either boyfriend/girlfriend now or will likely eventually be boyfriend/girlfriend if they decide they like each other enough to commit to each other. So she is dating this guy.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by Valora.

Dear Barry/ JHK:

Having communicated with you and having studied your previous thread as JHK (now deleted), I think that the following article from https: // www. goodtherapy. org / blog / aspergers- syndrome- emotional- intelligence (no spaces) can be helpful to you if you have someone help you understanding it:

“Emotional intelligence (EI) is generally understood to be a person’s ability to identify and assess his or her emotional state, as well as the emotional state of others. It is not related to the kind of intellectual capability or intelligence typically assessed by IQ tests. Rather, it corresponds to a person’s ability to relate to others, work in groups, read between the lines in conversation, and interpret behaviors and moods displayed by others.. High emotional intelligence provides a sort of shorthand for smooth interpersonal relations and communication.

.. The better able you are to imagine the world from another person’s point of view, the more likely you are to score high on a measurement of emotional intelligence. Persons with high EI are able to anticipate what someone might do in reaction to certain circumstances or statements. They are able to empathize with unspoken sadness because they are able to interpret an event in ways another person is likely to interpret it, given what they know about that person. They are able to avoid certain topics of conversation because they can predict which subjects might be problematic for another person. They understand the concept of conversational finesse.

… A person with Asperger’s syndrome experiences the world in a very different way. With a tendency to take conversations and events literally, the emotional subtext often is unseen. This can lead to behavior that appears inappropriate at best, heartless or cruel at worst

… This is the experience of challenged emotional intelligence. This is commonly the experience of a person with Asperger’s. Anxiety soars as the person wonders what he or she did wrong, what he or she failed to understand, or what was missed.

With therapy, a person with Asperger’s can learn to decode some of what seems mysterious in the realm of emotional intelligence. It is possible to discern intellectually what may not come naturally emotionally.. Learning  helps a person with Asperger’s navigate the complex emotional undertones of daily life. It also helps relieve the free-floating anxiety that can accompany conversations and events, both familiar and unfamiliar, because it broadens the range of expectations and softens the likelihood of inadvertent blunders.

Emotional intelligence is a challenge for individuals with Asperger’s, but it is also a fruitful topic for exploration in therapy because it is so central to most interactions with others, both in social and in intimate contexts.”

From https: // livingautism . com / emotional- intelligence – ei – asd (no spaces):

“The defining feature of autism spectrum disorders (ASD) is impairment in interpersonal relating and communication. This includes difficulty communicating with others, processing and integrating information from the environment, establishing and maintaining reciprocal social relationships, taking another person’s perspective, inferring the interests of others, and transitioning to new learning environments.

While all individuals with ASD experience core social-communication deficits, we now recognize that autism-related traits are quantitatively distributed in the general population and that autism is best conceptualized as a spectrum disorder, rather than a categorical diagnosis. Even mild degrees of what might be called autistic social impairment can significantly interfere with adaptive behavior. Likewise, a combination of mild autistic symptomatology and other psychological liabilities (e.g., attention problems, mood problems, aggression) can have an adverse effect on social and emotional adjustment.

Unfortunately, the core features of ASD may not diminish with development. Typically, individuals do not ‘‘outgrow’’ their deficits. Distress may actually increase as the social milieu becomes more complex and challenging. These difficulties may then persist well into adulthood and lead to comorbid emotional symptoms. Indeed, high stress, anxiety and depression are regularly present in persons with ASD.”

anita

Dear Barry:

I answered in your other thread. When I am back to the computer, in about 18 hours, I will reply further.

anita

Dear Valora

Could it be that I am not getting used to her new lifestyle?

She mention that it is her circle of friends that she is seeing someone. But I did told her to move on before proceeding on, I feel that she is rushing herself from being single.

It could be that you are not used to it. She is distancing herself now, though, and you need to just let her because there really isn’t anything you can say to change it. When you push someone and try to hold onto their friendship tightly, it only ends up pushing them further away so she probably would have no desire to be friends with you again later on if you don’t just let her go now. The only thing you can do now that will not damage your friendship further is to let her go. She will come back later if you two are meant to be friends.

She might be rushing herself from being single, but that isn’t something you can protect her from. It’s a decision she has to make on her own and find out for herself whether it was right or wrong.

But it is still an advice, she can choose to proceed but it might hurt herself. Friends help each other and give advice to each other

Friends do give advice to each other, but it’s important to do that only when asked. Otherwise it is unsolicited advice, and that’s not so often well received, especially when it comes to a choice someone has made. It can make the other person feel resentment toward you, so when the friendship is already rocky, it’s best to just keep your opinions to yourself unless she asks for your advice.