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Simple Love Question

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This topic contains 16 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 1 day ago.

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  • #307401

    Barry
    Participant

    Hi Everyone, it is Barry again.

    Firstly,  my female friend is actually seeing someone and I am having this tingling feeling, the feeling of sour. I am trying to explore and find out what this feeling is about? Can someone help me figure out?

    Secondly, she is seeing someone, does it mean I have to cut down my contact with her? To stop my usual texting with her?

    Thirdly, I have never been in love. So may I ask what does seeing someone mean?

    Someone please help me to answer my queries.

     

    #307405

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Barry,

    Were you hoping that by hanging around your friend a lot you would become her boyfriend by default?

    Does she know how you feel?

    I would stop your usual texting/contact with her. Like by a lot. Once a month sounds sane and non-threatening to the new guy.

    And just because she’s seeing someone doesn’t mean she’s in love. It means this person is a good fit, and let’s see how long this lasts! Unless, of course, she said she was seeing someone because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings if you were to ask her out. Have you met this guy? Is he real?

    Best,

    Inky

    #307407

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Barry,

    At a guess, I would say that your sour, tingling feelings are suggesting that you have feelings for your friend which you perhaps have not been admitting to yourself.  This friend does not want to have the same contact with you as you had in the past.  In this case, it probably means that you should stop texting her.  She has met someone else for whom she has an attraction and they are now ‘seeing each other’, going out on dates to ‘see’ how they get on, whether their initial attraction turns to love and whether they have a future together.

    Peggy

    #307421

    Barry
    Participant

    Dear Peggy

    I don’t want to have feelings for her because I treasure the friendship that I have with her.

    I should totally stop texting her or can I still have casual chats at times? We used to text almost everyday.

    I still don’t understand the meaning of seeing someone.

    #307423

    Barry
    Participant

    Dear Inky

    Nope. I hang around her and be close with her because we are very good friends. Hopefully she doesn’t have the thought that I always text and chat with her is because I have feelings for her. She did imitate chats with me before.

    she knows how I feel. But I told her that having a crush on her is wrong because I like this friendship.

    Actually we have been doing that for about more than half a year and it tends to become very dry. Maybe stopping once in a while allows refreshing period between us.

    I have no idea. But I did told her to move on from her previous relationship before committing into a new one.

    #307431

    Valora
    Participant

    I should totally stop texting her or can I still have casual chats at times? We used to text almost everyday.

    I still don’t understand the meaning of seeing someone.

    Hi Barry,

    If all of these posts are about the same girl, I would stop texting altogether unless she texts you first.  I have many friends I used to text almost every day that eventually drifted apart and we don’t text at all anymore. It’s pretty common for that to happen. I have one guy friend in particular who was my best friend for about 6 years, we texted each other all day long, and then eventually one of us started seriously dating someone else, and we basically stopped talking for a while. More recently, we’ve started talking again. So, again, this sort of thing happens all the time and you just sort of have to let it happen.

    “Seeing someone” just means they are dating each other. Either boyfriend/girlfriend now or will likely eventually be boyfriend/girlfriend if they decide they like each other enough to commit to each other. So she is dating this guy.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by  Valora.
    #307437

    Barry
    Participant

    Dear Valora

    Could it be that I am not getting used to her new lifestyle?

    She mention that it is her circle of friends that she is seeing someone. But I did told her to move on before proceeding on, I feel that she is rushing herself from being single.

    #307441

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Barry/ JHK:

    Having communicated with you and having studied your previous thread as JHK (now deleted), I think that the following article from https: // www. goodtherapy. org / blog / aspergers- syndrome- emotional- intelligence (no spaces) can be helpful to you if you have someone help you understanding it:

    “Emotional intelligence (EI) is generally understood to be a person’s ability to identify and assess his or her emotional state, as well as the emotional state of others. It is not related to the kind of intellectual capability or intelligence typically assessed by IQ tests. Rather, it corresponds to a person’s ability to relate to others, work in groups, read between the lines in conversation, and interpret behaviors and moods displayed by others.. High emotional intelligence provides a sort of shorthand for smooth interpersonal relations and communication.

    .. The better able you are to imagine the world from another person’s point of view, the more likely you are to score high on a measurement of emotional intelligence. Persons with high EI are able to anticipate what someone might do in reaction to certain circumstances or statements. They are able to empathize with unspoken sadness because they are able to interpret an event in ways another person is likely to interpret it, given what they know about that person. They are able to avoid certain topics of conversation because they can predict which subjects might be problematic for another person. They understand the concept of conversational finesse.

    … A person with Asperger’s syndrome experiences the world in a very different way. With a tendency to take conversations and events literally, the emotional subtext often is unseen. This can lead to behavior that appears inappropriate at best, heartless or cruel at worst

    This is the experience of challenged emotional intelligence. This is commonly the experience of a person with Asperger’s. Anxiety soars as the person wonders what he or she did wrong, what he or she failed to understand, or what was missed.

    With therapy, a person with Asperger’s can learn to decode some of what seems mysterious in the realm of emotional intelligence. It is possible to discern intellectually what may not come naturally emotionally.. Learning  helps a person with Asperger’s navigate the complex emotional undertones of daily life. It also helps relieve the free-floating anxiety that can accompany conversations and events, both familiar and unfamiliar, because it broadens the range of expectations and softens the likelihood of inadvertent blunders.

    Emotional intelligence is a challenge for individuals with Asperger’s, but it is also a fruitful topic for exploration in therapy because it is so central to most interactions with others, both in social and in intimate contexts.”

    From https: // livingautism . com / emotional- intelligence – ei – asd (no spaces):

    “The defining feature of autism spectrum disorders (ASD) is impairment in interpersonal relating and communication. This includes difficulty communicating with others, processing and integrating information from the environment, establishing and maintaining reciprocal social relationships, taking another person’s perspective, inferring the interests of others, and transitioning to new learning environments.

    While all individuals with ASD experience core social-communication deficits, we now recognize that autism-related traits are quantitatively distributed in the general population and that autism is best conceptualized as a spectrum disorder, rather than a categorical diagnosis. Even mild degrees of what might be called autistic social impairment can significantly interfere with adaptive behavior. Likewise, a combination of mild autistic symptomatology and other psychological liabilities (e.g., attention problems, mood problems, aggression) can have an adverse effect on social and emotional adjustment.

    Unfortunately, the core features of ASD may not diminish with development. Typically, individuals do not ‘‘outgrow’’ their deficits. Distress may actually increase as the social milieu becomes more complex and challenging. These difficulties may then persist well into adulthood and lead to comorbid emotional symptoms. Indeed, high stress, anxiety and depression are regularly present in persons with ASD.”

    anita

    #307451

    Barry
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Is it possible to summaries up? Is it the same as what I reply on the other threads? The study of human behaviours and understanding of emotions?

    But different humans tend to express themselves differently.

    #307455

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Barry:

    I answered in your other thread. When I am back to the computer, in about 18 hours, I will reply further.

    anita

    #307457

    Barry
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Any advice or suggestion in handling the situation particular to this thread?

    #307467

    Valora
    Participant

    Dear Valora

    Could it be that I am not getting used to her new lifestyle?

    She mention that it is her circle of friends that she is seeing someone. But I did told her to move on before proceeding on, I feel that she is rushing herself from being single.

    It could be that you are not used to it. She is distancing herself now, though, and you need to just let her because there really isn’t anything you can say to change it. When you push someone and try to hold onto their friendship tightly, it only ends up pushing them further away so she probably would have no desire to be friends with you again later on if you don’t just let her go now. The only thing you can do now that will not damage your friendship further is to let her go. She will come back later if you two are meant to be friends.

    She might be rushing herself from being single, but that isn’t something you can protect her from. It’s a decision she has to make on her own and find out for herself whether it was right or wrong.

     

    #307469

    Barry
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Valora</p>
    I agree. I feel that I am pushing too hard when I should let it loose a little. Perhaps just be myself and relax over it.

    But it is still an advice, she can choose to proceed but it might hurt herself. Friends help each other and give advice to each other

    #307471

    Valora
    Participant

    But it is still an advice, she can choose to proceed but it might hurt herself. Friends help each other and give advice to each other

    Friends do give advice to each other, but it’s important to do that only when asked. Otherwise it is unsolicited advice, and that’s not so often well received, especially when it comes to a choice someone has made. It can make the other person feel resentment toward you, so when the friendship is already rocky, it’s best to just keep your opinions to yourself unless she asks for your advice.

    #307525

    Peggy
    Participant

    Dear Barry,

    Feelings happen whether we want them to or not.  Close friendships contain love.  Your love has turned ‘sour’.  You are bitter towards your friend who has a life independent of you.  She has chosen to date a man whom she considers more than a friend.  You have given us all a message that you don’t want to be more than a friend to her so I’m guessing that you have also given your friend that message.

    Your friend feels ready to move on.  It might work out with this man that she is seeing or it might not.  There are no certainties but it is better to try and fail, than never to try at all.  She might be learning some valuable lessons from him and you might be learning some valuable lessons from her.  Instead of thinking she might get hurt, think that she might get happy.

    Think about this.  You don’t want her but you don’t want anyone else to want her either.  That’s how it seems.  It’s interfering with your relationship with her and you don’t like it.  Losing people you care about is hard – it hurts!

    Peggy

     

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