I almost don’t know where to start. My past four years have been extremely difficult since my divorce. For a while I was working, being productive, and becoming happy again. I was finding myself. Then I ran into financial troubles, followed by car trouble and my abusive ex husband taking me through a court battle that is still continuing for custody of our children, so he can try to get out of years of back child support. I’ve had to move twice this year, and I am in a new town. I lost my job and have been getting farther and farther behind on bills the whole time. The children just started school. This was all bad timing.
I had met a man a little over a year ago and started dating him. We turned out to be on-again-off-again… But something special was there… so I thought. We recently broke up, but are still close friends… and our children still spend a great deal of time around each other. I miss being with him.
I’m writing this because all of the signs were there. The stress of everything going on in my life took over… and I forgot to focus on myself at all. Friends, work, even the man in my life tried to warn me of the fact that I was falling apart and cracking under the stress, that I was changing as a person. When we broke up (both times) he told me that I was the perfect woman for him in every way he could imagine… except that he never fell in love with me… and feels like I deserve better, and that if I can’t love myself, no one else can. It broke my heart in 1000 ways. He said he’d held on and kept trying because he kept hoping that “feeling” would appear… but it has not.
I need to reclaim my life regardless of all of the above. I want to be happy again… and I’ve been reading, meditating, everything I can do. I need to go out and make new friends again, I need to be able to start over… Most days I’m able to stay positive and be in my “heart”… Today I’m in my “head”. My truck has major issues to fix, I can’t afford it, I have no internet at home to job hunt… so I’m here at my ex boyfriend’s house using his internet. He’s helped me so much. And he still persues me to a point. He wants me alone but won’t get close. Won’t kiss me… though sometimes we are intimate. We have fun together… but I wish sometimes we didn’t still need to rely on each other like we do.
What else can I do to get back on track?? I feel like I’m drowning! I don’t know what to do.
Plus the emotional side is still difficult. It’s hard letting someone go that’s such a big part of my daily life… that obviously still cares and still wishes things were different.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Ever since I started trying to get it all back together and relax my mind… it’s been wonderful… except that the days when I have setbacks put me right back to the feelings I had during the breakup… when I lost my job… when I lost the house… the day I was served with court papers… I want to let these burdens go so badly and move on!