I started smoking weed a year ago and became a heavy user 6 months ago and for 5 months I used weed as a way of enjoying life and so I did nothing apart from smoke with friends and chill as there’s not much to do in the era of covid and and then fast forward to a month ago the last few times I would get high I would have sudden thoughts pop into my head about being gay although I’ve been straight my whole life and never doubted it for a second but since a month ago June 3rd to be exact I have been obsessing with the fact that I might be gay even though deep down inside I’m not as I’m still very much attracted to women, this has gotten better over the course of the month as I’ve spoken to people close to me about it, some of them experiencing similar thoughts as they quit weed due to becoming anxious from misusing it. This forum has helped as I’ve related to a lot of the stories that I’m reading and I’m starting to think it could be because I tend to watch a lot of porn as well. I stopped watching porn a week ago and have seen improvements but the thoughts are still present in my head and I can’t seem to fully rid them. I’ve also been very lonely the past year and I think that has deteriorated my mental health as I’ve been feeling very down at times .

im sorry if a lot of this is in bad english I’m just in a very anxious state at the moment and can’t seem to explain any clearer.

I see a lot of similarities with HOCD but I can’t diagnose myself through google. At the moment I still have the thoughts however I’m just ignoring them as Logically to me they don’t make sense especially since I don’t feel an attraction to men but the thoughts still bother me on a daily basis and I will probably obsess over it a few times a day and I’d like to go back to how it was before where I never had these thoughts as they hinder my ability to go on with my daily life as normal, as I occasionally have anxiety attacks where I start pacing around my room obsessing over the thought of being gay.

im sorry again if it’s hard to interpret what’s written

Thank you very much, the one other thing I wanted to know is how long obsessive thoughts stay for? And if they ever completely fade away?

The danger for me is I don’t want to be gay as my whole life I’ve been straight I’ve never been attracted to a male and never once questioned myself.

i don’t know how else to put it but the idea of being gay unsettles me and so I keep reading forums I try to figure myself out and I can’t, there are parts of the day where I feel normal and am very attracted to women and then others when I’m obsessing over the thought of being gay It feels like I’m no longer attracted to anything, I’ve always been an over thinker and now it’s really starting to get to me. If there’s any way you can help that’d be great

Hi.

This feels really similar to what I have experienced. I have talked to my mom and best friend about this, but I am super confused. I had a dream that I was gay a month or two ago, and I can’t get it out of my head. I never thought I was gay, and I have only been attracted to men. I have read up on HOCD, and the symptoms match me, but then I am also worried that I am gay and I’m in denial because of internalized homophobia. Some people have thought I was gay, but this never really bothered me. I have thought girls were pretty, but I have never wanted to date them. I once googled a naked actress, but I was not attracted to her at all. I also have these things I call “mind movies” which are basically consistent scenarios. In one scenario I had an identical twin sister who was lesbian, but I was always straight. My mom says that I don’t have to figure anything out now, but the confusion and stress have made me cry myself to sleep multiple times. I also tried to tell myself that maybe I was lesbian or bi now, but that just made me more anxious and cry more. I have never been homophobic. In fact, that is why my “twin sister” was a lesbian. I was worried my mind was not including enough gay people. I am young and I have not started dating, so this could be why I am confused. But I am honestly really sad that I might have lost the possibility of a husband or boyfriend. In my “mind movies” I had this one dream guys and I loved him and the idea of him so much. I am really sad that have lost the possibility of dating someone like him. I have tried to replace my scenarios with a girl, but the thought does not make me happy. My mind keeps telling me to look at any girl’s boobs which makes me feel super uncomfortable. I don’t feel attracted to them. My mind also told me that I have had a crush on my friends and a girl who used to bully me, and this makes me more stressed and confused. I feel like if I was gay, I’d be ok with it. But I don’t feel like I am gay. I don’t watch porn, but I do read smut. Like I said my mind is telling I am attracted to literally every girl, and another part of my mind is telling me not to fall for it. I have had pretty bad intrusive thoughts before and I need help.

Dear Anita,

thank you for responding. I was anxious about a lot. School, friendships, grades, family. I would not like to say what the other intrusive thoughts were though. Those were pretty personal.

Dear Anita,

My mom just got me my first therapy appointment. I don’t know how to explain it as I said, but I tried changing my mindset to I might be bi are lesbian now, but something in my mind tells me that does not feel right. You seem like a very good person. Thank you so much for helping me and taking the time to talk to me. I told my best friend and she wants to talk to me about it but I don’t really want to. I don’t know why but I feel more comfortable talking about it with people I’m not close to. I really appreciate it.

Dear Anita,

I don’t think these thoughts are dangerous. When I was younger, I’ve had trouble making friends and keeping them. But I’ve always had my mind to help me through it. I’d think of my future with my dream guy and how I wouldn’t always feel lonely. I’m more worried that I’ll never sort out these thoughts, and that will effect me in the future. These thoughts also pop up when I’m trying to think of better things so when I have problems in the real world, I feel trapped.

Dear Anita,

I could not make friends as a kid very well, and I would usually sit alone at lunch. It came to the point where the pe teacher would come sit with me. A lot of my friend groups and friendships fell apart because I’d always start drama, even though it was not purposeful. A lot of my friends say they are depressed, and I don’t know how to help them. One time, I said you should think of happier things so you won’t be sad. Of course that was the wrong thing to say, and my best friend of four years said I was being toxic. That really hurt. People say I talk to much too. Even though everyone else could be talking, I was always the one shushed or told I’m being too loud. I had gone to therapy to help my talking and friendship making before, but apparently it did not work. My dream guy or dream life was my way of thinking of a future where I was better, and people would be nicer to me. I’d have a good group of friends and the perfect soulmate. Now, I feel like I can’t think of that perfect life anymore because these thoughts keep getting g in the way.