Good morning Seaturtle and hatch:

“A calm parent, with an open mind. Someone who asked me questions about myself, and genuinely wanted to know me, as opposed to use what they knew to manipulate me“- be this parent toward yourself: hatch had to hide from a real-life parent who used what he knew about her/ what he saw- against her. She needs to find that which she hid from that manipulative parent .. because hiding for so long, she forgot what it is that she is hiding. She needs you to be an honest, trustworthy parent to SEE her and not use what you see against her.

“Someone with grandma-like warm hugs, who I could trust to still be there, when I turned my head. A grandma who moved slowly, and spoke soft“- be this parent to hatch, interact with her warmly, empathetically, softly, patiently, no matter what. Be on her side, for her, always.

“A Dad who was curious to watch me grow, rather than afraid of it. Who responded with interest rather than concern“- be curious to watch hatch uncover what she’s been hiding, be prepared to be joyfully surprised by what you uncover and discover.

“Both of these parents consistently treating each other softly. More predictability“- be a very consistent and predictable soft parent to hatch.

“Either of them asking me what I wanted“- ask hatch what she wants, ask her softly. Listen to simple words that a child would say. If she can’t choose words, give her color pencils or paint to draw for you what it is that she wants.

“A mom with advice on how to make friends. A strong confident woman who had self control, who knew what she liked and knew how to get it“- to be a consistent, predictable parent to hatch, you’d have to practice self-control, and you’d have to rely and be confident with your own understanding of people and situations.

“A compassionate father, who wanted me to be me. Who wanted to know my friends and be involved“- this is what hatch wants from Seaturtle, she says: I want to be me! I want you to help me be me! Be with me.. and help me!

“An affectionate dad, with the  empathy to see when I was hurting. And certainly never try to cause hurt, and if by accident genuinely apologized“- You will make mistakes with hatch. Apologize to her when you do. Tell her what you learned from your mistakes and how you intend to act differently in the future, in a similar situation.. then show her that you learned your lesson. This is how she will trust you.

“A dad who let me win board games and told me I was awesome. A mom who could help my dad see me. Loving parents, towards each other“- tell hatch she is awesome, help people see you (but don’t pressure them, don’t demand), be loving toward people in your life.

“Reason behind the word ‘no.’ Being treated like I was capable of understanding and maturity“- you will need to say No to hatch from time to time. Explain to her the reason behind your no’s.

“A dad asking me how I felt, and after I responded, saying it was valid. A loyal and honest mom, calm and decisive. Her only priorities being her family and herself. A dad who thought I was cool, funny, and strong. And a mom who was those things“- may hatch be your first priority, and may hatch be… hatch, funny or not (whether people think she is funny, cool, strong, or not).

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“I was not seen in so many ways throughout my entire upbringing, I feel like those couple years with him were the tip of the iceberg“- that’s a lot of UNSEEN time.

“My little sister, the youngest, A… She said she doesn’t understand who my dad can think their relationship (between A and F) is so great, yet it is so ‘superficial.’… She said ‘sometimes I feel like I need to be physically hurt for him to see me.’ this very strongly reminded me of when I attempted self harm, at her exact age“- their relationship involves superficial seeing, seeing only the surface of things. So, she felt like hurting her body so that he’d see deeper into her.

“I told her ‘there is nothing you can do to make him see you, he may tend to you while you are hurt but he will leave again once you are better and in the end you will only have a mark on yourself.’ I am so happy I answered her call”- and I am happy too that you answered her call and told her what you did, good job, Seaturtle!

“A is very aware for her age I am impressed all the time!… A and I both spoke about how our parents are both asleep and we are awake“- awake, keep your eyes open and see the people in your life as they are and… see you as you are, to put what I see when I think of you in one word, it is Awesome!

anita

Good Sunday afternoon, Seaturtle:

You are welcome and thank you for being awesome!

“As I read n“- was a typo, I meant, As In read on (I don’t bring up N anymore and will talk about him only if you bring him up).

“Do you think there are still things hatch is hiding that I do not know about at all? If so, that is exciting news (excited face emoji)– I am sure that there are still things to uncover and discover about hatch (equally excited face emoji)

“The past 2 months, every time I miss N, I go over all the reasons why I did what I did, and I do get to a settled place… it makes sense I have not cried a ton since the breakup, because I cried over the breakup many times already, in the relationship“- imagine a lifetime of crying within the relationship.

“However, this morning, I sat down, a little over an hour ago now, and my intention was to open my third eye, have my crown chakra vibrating, and come to this forum. But as I was meditating, to open my third eye, I suddenly felt very sad, I miss N… there were good times, good times I miss with a friend (not good times I miss as a partner) … sic. I don’t want to make hatch hide that she misses N, but I also cannot sit in that for too long or it can start to cloud my judgement and decisions“- this is a very mature Seaturtle (hatch’s ideal parent): uncovering hatch’s sadness and her missing N as a friend, acknowledging and respecting hatch’s feelings, and setting healthy limits for hatch, for her own well-being.

“Is hatch the essence of my personality?“- hatch is the pre-personality part of you; she is who you were (and still are) before you adjusted (mostly) to your parents.

“I wonder! I would love to know if anyone’s related to me here“- there are people who read the forums and never post, silent readers.

“If authenticity and popularity could coincide, then I suppose that would feel good, the opposite of lonely“- I understand, yes, this is why you didn’t like my idea of you being an influencer, being that many are not authentic.  Authenticity is very important to you… and to me.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“The dreams change, but the last two nights in a row in the dream, I have an opportunity to go back to the way it was, and my dream self wants to. As if my dream self, third eye closed, thinks that suffering through the bad parts of the relationship are worth getting the good parts back in my life. I miss the smallest things like kissing his cheeks..”-

– there is a saying, “the heart wants what the heart wants“. In other words, your heart chakra wants N back. It’s not the job of the heart chakra to see the suffering through the bad parts of the relationship, it’s the 3rd eye chakra’s job. When you’re asleep… all your eyes are closed, and the heart and sacral chakras have their say. All chakras’ input are valid, but the crown chakra has to do a good job putting all the input together into an accurate bigger picture.

“Tomorrow I have my pre-operation for my surgery… The surgery is supposed to be Friday“- I am looking forward to read, I hope, that there are no complications and that the surgery was successful.

“Next is to get my passport from N. I have thought about sending someone to get it for me, but there is a bigger part of me that wants to see him“- it may turn out to be a good idea to see him in-person. Who knows, maybe he will arrange to have your stuff outside his home right before you pick it up, and not see you… so to hurt your feelings.

anita

Dear Healing Seaturtle:

Overnight stay at the hospital (3 hours sleep), five incisions, sore and one ovary preserved-  – Less sore and rested this morning, I hope..???

“I am so happy about that and that I made the right decision to wait“- the saying goes, good things happen to those who wait. In yes magazine. org/ the science behind why good things really do happen to people who wait, the writer includes studies and surveys that indicate that patience (patiently waiting instead of impulsively reacting) is good for our physical and mental health, and it leads to long-term success in achieving our goals. (“The road to achievement is a long one, and those without patience—who want to see results immediately—may not be willing to walk it…”).

“The past month my mom and grandma have been asking me about my surgery and so I’ve given them updates, but my dad never sent one message. Last night he tried to blame me that he didn’t know the details…The messages are long… he called me self absorbed for thinking he would text me. He brought up the copay he paid for and said he felt unappreciated. What a throw back to housecleaning’s!.. By the end he said ‘let’s agree to disagree’“-

– for crying out loud, what a self-absorbed, unempathetic person! While you were at the hospital, before or after surgery, he sent you LONG, argumentative messages and tried to guilt trip you (instead of a short I love you message or two)! I don’t remember you giving an example more indicative of what you referred to in the past as his narcissism. His concern was not your health but for.. his feelings. He wanted his argument to Win.. and yours (while heading or recovering from a surgery) to Lose.

“I held my ground, third eye open… I trusted hatch and showed her last night that this was not true. I am proud of how I responded, he evaded responsibility in every single way… I did my best and he didn’t understand“- good job at trusting hatch, and holding your ground with an open third eye! He did not understand because his 3rd eye is closed.

“What was an interesting revelation for me however, was remember when we spoke about N preferring me to be weak? How he was attracted to me being weak but then resulted in him not respecting me when I was ‘weak.’ Well last night after holding my ground with several messages in return, I had a different result than before, ‘house cleaning’ typically ended with me crying and feeling I was at fault. Last night I didn’t give in and his last message was quite interesting, he said: ‘OK well I’m tired too. Know that I love you and we disagree about this and that’s OK. I’m going to write part of this off as you and me being very similar (a screaming/ crying emoji). I know that you didn’t mean to hurt me and I know you know the same about me. I think we can both do a little better job of communicating with each other in general. Get some rest’“- it is amazing how he makes himself SOUND oh so mature and fair a MOMENT after he expressed acute self-absorption and self-centeredness. He knows how to say all the right things after saying.. all the wrong things..  and before saying all the wrong things yet again (in the future) because the right-things were only a presentation, not the real deal.

F did not and will not open his 3rd eye and get his crown chakra to do some heavy-duty work because you stood your ground and displayed strength. Like a spider and other highly instinctive animals, he will adjust to your new behavior, that’s all. I don’t think that he can see anyone but himself.. well, he can’t see anyone on the other side of his (triggered) hurt/ unappreciated feelings.

He is similar to N, they both often enough said all the right things.. verbal presentations that make then appear like good, stand up men (“my partner is a stand up man, no question“, Oct 6, 2023). You did question this though, it for a long, long time, because your gut was telling you that N’s positive-sounding verbal presentations were just that- verbal presentations that did not present the true combo of his motivations, feelings, and understandings.

“I just had a revelation in that moment how similar he and N are. If I don’t eventually fall for the manipulation and take the fault, the next best thing they do is basically call it a fair match, yet still 0 responsibility. All his excuses reminded me of N. Healing seaturtle“- healing indeed and in more than one way!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

Thank you for the warning. I doubt that your rant will bring me down, but we’ll see (I am reading and replying to one part before reading the next)

“no complications, I am resting and healing” this and the funny face emoji are bringing me up, at this point.

“My time in the hospital was a little traumatizing… I had my first of many panic attacks, just tried to control my breathe but couldn’t stop tears. 24 hrs. no food and blood being drawn from someone who didn’t seem to know what she was doing, I felt exposed and alone, the other nurse was kinder and attempted to comfort me (the only comforting nurse I would see my whole visit). They did not tell me they were administering me the anesthesia…  I was jarred awake form the anesthesia by loud noises around me, I was in the hallway for 2 hours as my post-surgery room was not ready. By the time I made it to my room I was awake, feeling the pain and pressing my call button as instructed, for pain medicine, my nurse kept saying she was on her way and it took 1 1/2 hrs. for someone to get to me with the pain medication, at that point I was crying of the pain and the nurse just had this very smug face. She was smiling…which I thought was so weird cause I was crying and she told me ‘you don’t have to cry, stop crying ok?’ this made me feel worse, I felt she had no empathy…“- wow! Poor medical care, makes me think it’s to a large extent a result of overcrowded hospitals and the severe shortage of nurses in the U.S., which leads to unskilled nurses working, as well as all nurses being overworked and not afraid to lose their jobs because there’s this shortage.. so, poor quality care for poor Seaturtle.

Happy belated birthday to Seaturtle’s roommate!

“My morning began with my brother in a manic state, texting me that he wanted to text N!… Within 24hrs I had a surgery and 3 family members cause me un-needed pain, my dad calling me self absorbed, my brother sympathizing with my emotional abuser, and my grandma being completely emotion-less (typical of her). Then I told my mom about my dad saying I was self absorbed and she thought this was the right timing to bring up a time when she thought I was“- this makes me think fondly of a saying I came up with.. all by myself (proud of it): sometimes (often, really) Family is just another F word.

“Personally, I have always admired people who were able to go take moments to themselves, be independent and present. So to me, I want to be that way, I like that about myself. I used to be such a people pleaser and I don’t want to live my life for other people“- I support you in this, absolutely!

“I just feel like I am misunderstood, but that worries me that something is wrong with how I am doing things when so many people are saying the same thing“- by “so many people”, you mean your family members? If so, consider that families are quickly to label individuals within as this or that, and the label persists within the family, and so, individuals are discouraged from growing and becoming more than a label.

“To me, I need to love me to love others, and keep my crown chakra open. I think the people in my family don’t love themselves, they are judgmental and self righteous”- like I said, Family is … (I would have inserted an emoji here if I knew how)

“Seaturtle who wants to hide in her shell“- she is too magnificent to hide in her shell for long!

To your next post: pick up your things from N when the time is right for you, your things, your ex, your timing.

“He (F) is very skilled at this, which is why for so long I thought I was wrong, because he ‘sounded’ so fair. He would call himself ‘fair’ too, he calls himself ‘easy to approach and reason with,’ but we all know it is not true“- he has a very skillful Public Relations agent working for him (himself), skillfully misrepresenting him.

“I want to be able to spot his adjustments, and with an open third eye I will continue to. Even his last message, to agree to disagree, I rolled my eyes to myself, but just let the conversation end there, so that right there was an ‘adjustment,’ that I spotted“- good job spotting! He exits conflicts on equal ground (lets agree to disagree) when he fails to exit on superior ground (I am right, you are wrong!).. but never humbly, as in saying: you are right, Seaturtle. I was wrong… unless his PR agent thinks it will serve him well to fake the latter approach, is what I am thinking.

“Something I am curious about, so on his birthday last week I texted him happy birthday, and that I was thankful to have an entrepreneurial dad to watch, it gave me confidence that one day I can start my own thing and don’t necessarily need to work for someone. His response was very love-bomby at 8pm, so possibly very intoxicated he responded: ‘I’m soooo proud of you… now and forever (another kissing emoji)’ He wasn’t like this before, when I lived with him, this love bombing is a new thing and I wonder why? Curious Seaturtle“-

– I guess he was very flattered by what you said and rewarded you for flattering him (this is in line with his PR agent’s policy). Do you mean that when you lived with him, you used to flatter him but he did not respond similarly to the above?

By the way, your posts did not bring me down because I know that even when you are going through a difficult time, you are resourceful and your 3rd eye chakra is open. Notice this: the Seaturtle who wanted to hide in her shell in the closing of your first post today, was out of her shell, curious to see/ learn new things only 18 minutes later, closing your second post with Curious Seaturle!

anita