Dear Seaturtle:

“Every once in a while, I get this thought that he was fixable, but it’s just a thought and I know that is all it is. He is deceptive, especially to himself“-every once in a while, you want to help him. Every once in a while, he wants to hurt you.

“Just like alcohol and marijuana can rapidly close your third eye, so can N aka; a deceptive person“- loving a deceptive person who tries to hurt you every once in a while, closes one’s third eye.

“Our third eyes are on the same page“- (2 3rd eyes on 1 page emoji)

“A major turning point for me was also realizing I wanted an open third eye for my future kids… I saw myself becoming my mom, with a closed third eye“- part of the preparation to being a good mother.

anita

Hi Seaturtle

I finally caught up to the break up. You really have been through a lot in recent months. COVID, a hurt knee and the surgery ontop of a difficult break up! You’ve been through so much, it’s nice to see you starting to heal and come out of the other side.

Would you like to hear my thoughts about the relationship and breakup? If you don’t want to at the moment, if you do in the future you can leave a message and let me know in the event that you do.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏

Hi Seaturtle

I would encourage you to tell me if there is ever anything that hurts your feelings. It is certainly not my intent.

I appreciate your kind heart Seaturtle. You are a truth seeker!

From my perspective, the two of you were incompatible. He faced challenges being homeschooled and with his own trauma. And you faced your own challenges with yours. It’s sad that he didn’t accept you fully. I think you saw that from your very first thread. And you tried for a long time to give him a chance because you are a kind open minded person who is considerate of others. You accepted his trauma, but what you couldn’t accept was not being fully accepted yourself. Quite rightfully so! You are beautiful soul who deserves to be fully accepted!!!

Your ex made the mistake of lending money when he wasn’t truthful about his feelings about it. I believe that he even had difficulty paying bills at one point. No doubt part of him wanted to be chivalrous and help, but part of him worried about finances and he was resentful.

A lot of people are weird about lending money. It can cause problems in all kinds of relationships if the person isn’t 100% on board and willing to never see that money again. I’m sure that you would have paid him back over time when you could had things not gone horribly wrong during the break up. He sunk that ship by treating you badly.

Initially, the break up went well but it was sad to see that he became aggressive and you took a great deal of punishment from him because you felt guilty for leaving him. You shouldn’t feel guilty or take punishment for doing the right thing for you. That voice that was questioning the health of the relationship was spot on, so in the future I would pay attention to that voice. You have some good instincts.

He had one useful point during the initial part of the break up. But it was phrased pretty poorly. So I’m going to change the wording and kind of get to the essence of one thing he struggled with. He felt like you get hurt a lot. It became difficult to keep track of trying to help you with your feelings.

I think other partners in the future could easily have similar difficulties with that. However, I don’t think they would necessarily react in the same way and he reacted poorly.

This is something that I also had difficulty with in relationships because of my trauma. Something that I had to learn was that not every time I felt hurt was someone else’s fault. I had to learn to manage my own triggers and emotions. I also learned to phrase things so that my partner didn’t feel blamed for my feelings when triggered. I would say this has nothing to do with you but, I’m feeling this way right now because of my trauma. It helped my partner to be able to comfort me without feeling blamed.

That being said, there are times when things are still issues for example, everyone has preferences in relationships and it is healthy to communicate them and negotiate between parties how you would like a relationship to be. And there are times when people do things that are genuinely hurtful. It is honestly a delicate balance, one which I’m sure that you will find a balance with in your own time.

A fear you had is that your trauma would be too much in future relationships. I don’t think that will be the case. Trauma can cause ongoing problems, (I still struggle with it during conflict to this day) but you are an empathetic, caring person on an amazing journey of self discovery. You will learn to handle it all with grace. You will meet each challenge and conquer it!

If there are things that you disagree with, you are a courageous strong Seaturtle please feel free to speak your mind. I would like you to express your feelings about my thoughts. It is your life and your relationship. You are the expert in you! I can definitely be wrong!

Love and best wishes! 🙏❤️

Hi Seaturtle

I’m glad that you feel validated and my message brought you peace. I can honestly see all of the hard work you have been doing even since you started writing here. That’s impressive to put so much work in, over a relatively short period.

Thank you for your kind message. I have a lot of respect for you too! I know that sometimes the things I suggest can be challenging. I find that challenges can lead to personal growth. It isn’t always easy though. I don’t ever wish to hurt you.

Something that I will have to be mindful of is taking my time and not just shooting off a quick message with things like that. It’s difficult to balance when I’m busy sometimes.

I cannot reiterate enough that if your feelings are ever hurt. I would like for you to tell me, so I can apologise.

Well done on spotting that same money issue pattern in others and figuring out the best way to handle it for you!

It is unfortunate when people stress over things and don’t share it, keeping it hidden. You aren’t a mind reader though. It’s not your fault. You’re a very reasonable person and would choose to help with any difficulties.

I have actually noticed that you handle conflict well.

I’m glad to hear that you are trusting yourself! That is really incredible that you managed to move past that behaviour. Congratulations! That is no easy feat.

It’s a shame that he had that view of emotion = weakness. It is very hard to grow and live like that.

I think you’re a very strong person to have been through what you have. I agree that trauma can lead to compassion for other people’s difficulties.

I would like to share something that I have learned recently during arguments with my partner. If that is okay?

He felt like he wasn’t being listened to and that he wasn’t being heard. He repeated this throughout our relationship but no matter how I listened that feeling never went away. Recently, he started opening up more and explaining what he actually needed me to do.

I have difficulty with treating people with empathy during a conflict if I feel like I am being treat poorly. I get defensive when I feel like I’m being “attacked” for lack of better words.

He asked for me not to shut down and to try and stay present and engage with empathy even when he makes mistakes in communication during conflict. He asked for me to acknowledge when he had done things right at other times, when I give feedback about what is going wrong. He also asked for me to validate his feelings. To acknowledge his feelings are valid even when they aren’t my fault. I’ve been working hard to try to integrate these changes and it has been helping. I’m going to give an example of this new style of communication I’ve developed during a disagreement.

“I can understand why you feel like you aren’t being heard or listened to during disagreements. I’m sorry for making you feel that way, it was not my intent. I never want to make you feel that way. I think that you feel like this when we disagree and have different perspectives. It hurts me when you yell during arguments which is something that happens when you feel like you’re not being heard. You worked really hard to manage this and when it wasn’t happening during every disagreement it felt like it wasn’t on purpose. I’m not asking for perfection. You are a loud person and passionate person when communicating in general, but if you could work on managing it so it could be like that again that would be really helpful.”

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏