I agree with everything Mark said, but to add to that, do you think it’s possible you were being a little critical or perhaps sounding a little critical to her? It’s hard for me to know because of what you didn’t specify, but for example… you said you helped her write a resume. Did she say she wanted to leave her job or were you just thinking she should because it doesn’t seem right for her so you were trying to help make that happen?

And for the apartment, I don’t blame her at all for not wanting to move in with someone she’d been dating officially for only 2 months, even with the situation with her dad. Did you get upset with her when she turned that down?

Communication is good, but if you were getting upset with her for a lot of things and vocalizing that, that could have lead to her thinking that she and her life was not right for you and your wants/needs… that you two weren’t meshing very well and were better off apart.

I also think that if you think you got nothing out of a 4-year relationship, you should reevaluate that relationship. There was probably something you very much needed to learn from that breakup that you might not have learned. All of those situations, at the very least, come with good, helpful lessons that make the relationship itself worth it.

Hi Alecsee,

I am wondering at what point you thought things were going great.  You’ve hardly known this person at all yet it seems that she has to justify all her behavior to you.  Are you really communicating with her or are you just talking ‘at’ her.  She keeps you waiting for three or four hours but you are OK with that.  She wants some ‘space’ so you offer her a 24 hr. package.  You had an emotional outburst when she said she wanted time to spend with her friends and herself, then you’re OK with that because you’ve talked.

She’s ended it by saying you’re a nice guy and she hopes you’ll find someone who meets your needs.  She feels that she does not meet your needs.  She’s gone beyond wanting space, she just wants out.

Hear what she is saying – regardless of any problems/ghosts from the past, imagined or otherwise, this woman wants out of the relationship she had with you.  The decent thing to do would be to let her go without making a fuss.  How you deal with your own ghosts is another matter.  You probably need to let them go as well!

Peggy

Quid Pro Quo – a favor for a favor.  You said you did so much for your ex but never getting anything back.  You offered housing and help in getting a job.  I assume she did not ask for either.

What I am observing all those offers come with strings attached.  You wanted something in return.  Hence my quid pro quo mention.  Women know that when men offer something, especially something generous, they know that implicitly or explicitly that men want something for it.

Mark

I agree and realized a lot of what you are saying Valora. But why not address the issue at that moment? Or at the end of the day when things cooled off a bit for her? I said this (to myself and possibly to her, dont remember) when she insisted that moving in wasnt a good idea (hers by the way); this relationship will not end cuz of a break up but rather from a lack of communication. And i was right. I perhaps need to be less pushy and helpful but if i really care about u i will try my best to help.

Because sometimes people don’t realize for themselves that they are scared or WHY they are scared. She may have had those feelings of not wanting to do the things you were suggesting anymore but wasn’t sure what that feeling was or why she was feeling that way. It’s hard to clearly communicate feelings you don’t realize you have at the time.  I’ve learned it’s better to just not push people in the first place. Offer advice and guidance when they specifically ASK for it and otherwise just be there to listen and support.

I instantly realized what I was doing was what my ex wanted. But still those were things she was right that I had to work on. And while they were told by a previous partner, I still wanted to do them. But being pushy is subjective to ppl. Theres being encouraging to ppl, motivating someone, trying to help someone, beinh pushy, aggressive and just plain forcing someone etc. Different ppl can view things differently. She probably felt the right end of that spectrum.

Honestly, most things are subjective. Being pushy is subjective, but so is wanting attention and the amount of attention or space someone needs. For example, someone who likes to cuddle can be seen as cuddly and attentive or it can be seen as needy, depending on who you’re dating. It’s definitely good to work on the things you want to work on after someone points them out, because that shows growth, but that doesn’t mean that working on those things will make you compatible with everyone because not everyone values those things.  So you just have to kind of be the kind of boyfriend/man you feel the best being and find someone who matches with that while realizing that not everyone will… and if someone tells you they feel they aren’t your match, you just have to believe them.

I think what it sounds like you were trying to do was to be HELPFUL, which she probably felt you were being at first, but if she then got scared of moving or changing jobs (because those really are big, scary life changes), and you kept encouraging her to do it (trying to be helpful), then that’s when it starts feeling pushy rather than helpful because she’s changed her mind (even if she didn’t communicate that).  So, in the future, if that kind of thing happens again, just be sure to help mainly just when asked when it comes to that stuff. If you create a resume and she leaves it on the table, maybe ask once if she forgot it or of she changed her mind about switching, and if she forgets it again, I’d just let it go at that point.

Yeah, it sounds like she wasn’t communicating her feelings very well either. It also sounds like she might have been trying to figure things out during that time and ultimately decided that you two weren’t right for each other, without your input and without giving you a chance to fix anything… which I know feels unfair, but people do that sometimes when they’re internalizing their feelings for whatever reason. There really isn’t anything you can do about it other than to let them go if that’s what they’re saying they want and use those words as your closure.

If what happened feels unfair, it’s likely you had expectations that weren’t met here. You were expecting her to have a level of communication that she didn’t meet and that unmet expectation feels bad. I think that’s more of a sign that maybe she’s right that you two weren’t right for each other, at least not right now.