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Thinking about the past/Living alone

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  • #390962
    Brian
    Participant

    I have lived alone for many years. It is easy to fall back into the habit of thinking about the past and trying to analyze events. At times it can become rumination. Are there any suggestions from those who have also had this issue?

    #390984
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brian:

    My suggestion is to (1) Incorporate a busier daily routine, so that there is a predictable, solid structure to your days, (2) Include aerobic exercise, such as brisk walking, into your daily routine, (3) Find a meaning to your days that you currently don’t have, something that makes you think forward instead of backward.

    Any ideas in regard to #3?

    anita

    #391003
    Brian
    Participant

    As far as future goals, I am working towards getting a degree online so I can have more opportunities. I go to a coffee shop every other day to study to give myself structure.

    #391005
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brian:

    I will be able to return to your thread and put together a thorough reply in about 20 hours from now. Please feel free to add anything that may be relevant before I return to you.

    anita

    #391046
    Tommy
    Participant

    Living alone? Do you live in a big city or small town? Or, do you live in a remote cabin in the woods? Living in a house or apartment by yourself is not the issue. It is the time spent alone by yourself with nothing else to do but remember the past. I do that often and I live with my wife and daughter. Busy trying to run a business. Yes, it does help to have someone to talk to and share your experiences with. Still old habits are hard to break.

    It is not a matter of finding distractions to occupy your time. You will have to find it in yourself to let go of those habits of remembering the past and analyzing events. It is not about forgetting the past. But, not chasing the thoughts and memories of the past. To know how we got here, we look at where we came from. To know where we will go, we need to know where we are now. So, do not forget the past. But, to let go of it and move forward. If you stay in the past then the present moment is lost.

    Yeah, nothing of what I said will help. There is no power in those words, no magic. Everything that needs to be done has to be done by the person who wants and needs to change. Personally, I am still fighting my own demons. Still working on myself. And, I find it difficult.

    #391061
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brian:

    This is all that you shared: “Thinking about the past/Living alone, I have lived alone for many years. It is easy to fall back into the habit of thinking about the past and trying to analyze events. At times it can become rumination…  As far as future goals, I am working towards getting a degree online so I can have more opportunities. I go to a coffee shop every other day to study to give myself structure”.

    This is what you asked: “Are there any suggestions from those who have also had this issue?”

    My input and suggestions: you used the word rumination. Rumination= passively focusing on one’s distress. Ruminations leads to depression. The solution is to actively focus on something positive. Positive, healthy alternatives for you to focus on may be (1) the online study program that you are engaged in, as well as (2) socialization with people in the coffee shop you frequent.

    Wikipedia reads on the topic of rumination (the boldface is my addition): “Although rumination is generally unhealthy and associated with depression, thinking and talking about one’s feelings can be beneficial under the right conditions… healthy self-disclosure can reduce distress and rumination when it leads to greater insight and understanding about the source of one’s problems. Thus, when people share their feelings with others in the context of supportive relationships, they are likely to experience growth. In contrast, when people repetitively ruminate and dwell on the same problem without making progress, they are likely to experience depression”.

    –  Self disclosure: “a process of communication by which one person reveals information about themself to another. The information can be descriptive or evaluative, and can include thoughts, feelings, aspirations, goals, failures, successes, fears, and dreams, as well as one’s likes, dislikes, and favorites” (Wikipedia).

    My suggestions: maybe you can find real-life contexts where you can self-disclose: a support group perhaps, group or individual psychotherapy, or some other supportive context. You are welcome to use your thread for this purpose. As a fellow member, I will be glad to be as supportive of you as I can be.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by anita.
    #391171
    Brian
    Participant

    Thank you for the suggestions. Sometimes I need to be reminded of things I already know. I need to control my thoughts better and reach out to people more. Getting to know new people has been difficult for me. In the United States, it is very common for someone to ask about your job right away. People expect someone of my age to have a career and not be in school. I need to get over that and accept that some people might judge me for it.

    #391172
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brian:

    You are welcome. “People expect someone of my age to have a career and not be in school. I need to get over that and accept that some people might judge me for it” – yes, we need to accept what is out of our control, including people’s unflattering judgments of us. We equally need to be careful about the judgments we make of others.

    I hope that you manage to positively connect with people who are open to accept you as you are, an openness that you will reciprocate!

    anita

    #391098
    monish
    Participant

    Why do i mostly feel alone when i have friends and family to talk to; my past experience with my family was way too bad, but now isn’t that bad but because of past and some of the present experiences i am not able to trust them. From the times of high school i had many friends but very time feels alone and because of it my friend circle use to change every year, and even now i have many friends but always feels like i am there second opinion, when ever we meet they talk about stuffs and some personal talks they were doing in there personal chats and here when i try to talk it feels like don’t even wants to read my text and gives off reply don’t even reply when they are online. And now i have no confidence left in my self to make people talk to me or to make people like me; and now i don’t even know what my real  problem is and what should  i really ask here in this comment section.

    #391297
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear monish:

    You asked: “Why do I mostly feel alone when I have friends and family to talk to“? And you answered your own question: “My past experience with my family was way too bad, but now isn’t that bad but because of past and some of the present experiences, I am not able to trust them” – paraphrasing your answer: you feel alone when your family is around because you had very bad experiences with them, hurtful experiences that were not resolved,  because sometimes you still have somewhat bad experiences with them, and as a result you cannot trust them.

    From the times of high school, I had many friends but very time feels alone… even now I have many friends but always feels like I am there second… (they) don’t even want to read my texts and… don’t even reply when they are online…. (I) don’t even know what my real problem is and what should I really ask here” –

    – Here is what I suggest: go to the Forums at the top of the page, scroll down to All Forums, choose a Category (Relationships or Tough Times, seems to me) and start your own thread. You can copy what you shared above and paste it there, and maybe elaborate on your experiences with your friends. If you start your own thread, I will be glad to reply to you there.

    anita

    #391608
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Brian?

    anita

    #391735
    Brian
    Participant

    I’m OK. Still haven’t made new connections with people. It has been difficult for me for a long time because I’m usually guarded around new people. I’m trying to keep my thinking out of fight/flight mode.

    #391748
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brian:

    Good to read that you are okay, but I wish you were not living in the “fight/flight mode” that you mentioned. Maybe (?) it will help you to share (or using a term I mentioned to you earlier, to self-disclose) more about your life: do you live with family, how is your family life, what is it that you study in school, etc., whatever you feel comfortable sharing. You are welcome to keep to yourself any and all details that you don’t feel comfortable sharing on a public forum.

    anita

    #391779
    Brian
    Participant

    I live alone. Family is on the other side of the country. I have a close friend, but we see each other once a week at the most. Are you a moderator here?

    #391781
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brian:

    I am not a moderator here. I am a member, just like any other member, except that I am very active in the forums. Are you worried about sharing here about your personal life?

    anita

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