my inner bully is emotionally and physically draining. it’s incessant chatter annoys me and makes me irritated. however, when the inner bully says that i won’t make it out in life, i press delete on the voice and chop up the inner bully into pieces then i work harder on an assignment. i have learned to laugh and smile even when things are tough and even though i still cry at times, its better than feeling slightly numb or battling the inner bully. when i cry its like i let that part of me that has been controlled by the inner bully out and i’m myself. the inner bully makes me defensive around people and sometimes it makes me feel numb to people b/c most of the time i’m wrestling with the inner bully. so when the inner bully tries to run my mind and say ‘you are nothing.’ i am on the defensive around people b/c i think others are seeing me the way the inner bully sees me and if something bad happens, it just leaves me numb. but i won’t let the inner bully win, i won’t let it turn me into a defensive person who is numb and allows the bullies to control who i am. “No inner bully, you will not take my individuality! This earth angel will keep her heart beating in tune with her goals and her soul shining like the stars. No inner bully, you will not put the flame that shines! So throw your insults, poke your holes in my self-esteem, throw your fire upon me, but this earth angel will rise and alight the world with the flame of compassion and not the flame of hatred.”

• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Janus.

my brain currently is on vacation, i need it to focus on ap calc since i have a test on thurs and also a u.s history test thurs. i think it is b/c i spent five hours last night working on ap biology b/c i needed to get an assignment done for the class. i did some of the problems for the wksht that i got in ap calc and then my brain just crashed. i think i need a break, but there’s still lots of other things to do.

so my inner bully has been nagging me these days. it keeps saying that i’m a weak person and that i never will amount to anything. it keeps nagging on the fact that i usually work out for thirty minutes and since these days i’ve been busy, it keeps saying to me ” you are ugly and fat, go exercise. you can’t do anything right in school b/c you only have fifteen minutes to work out!” my heart tells me that i am okay, but my inner bully likes to annoy me.

thanks anita:) i find that my inner bully disappears when i’m writing poetry. poetry brings me closer to myself and as the words flow onto paper, i bring to light the inner voice that i have that sometimes is masked by the inner bully. i have finished two poems “Refueling the Spirit” and also “Just the Way You Are.” both are about healing from life’s hurts and finding acceptance and courage to keep going and appreciate that you are beautiful just the way you are even with scars. i am working on another poem and it is called “Soul of the Heavens” and it will be about you and how much you’ve helped me. currently i am busy studying for midterms and i have realized their is no reasoning with the inner bully. i remember you said this in a recent post, but i learned it the hard way. i kept trying to appease the inner bully, but all it saw were faults. when it told me i had to study harder or work out more, i listened and worked on becoming better. but the inner bully will always find something new to attack so i have realized that there is no reasoning with it and i don’t care what it says anymore. the things that it tells me are not true and the inner bully does not hold the remote of my life. it does not control the steering wheel and as long as my heart is beating, this earth angel will not crash, for this earth angel will continue to burn that inner bully down and build the bridges to her dreams and pick her wings up to fly high all the way home.

i wish you good luck and anita you give great advice, i’m sure you would make a good poet. i always find myself smiling after reading your words. also i have found that when i act confident. my inner bully seems to disappear. so i’ll be singing and dancing and i won’t have my inner bully around, that only works when i’m mostly alone. i have yet to gain the courage to dance in public. my special friend told me two days ago “i know you can dance like no one’s watching. i know you have an inner light that can touch others b/c i’ve seen it. i hope you realize that i’ll always believe in you and love you until you learn to trust and love yourself. so take the chance to dance and be yourself and those that matter won’t care.”

true poetry is from the heart and the words that make us truly who we are must be positive and touch the soul.

don’t worry, soon the words will flow from you. true poetry takes time, but once it comes, the words flow from the depths of your being and bring you closer to yourself. i was taught how to write poetry in seventh grade by my language arts teacher and i enjoyed writing while i was in her class. it was a hard time for me in seventh and eighth grade to write the words when i wasn’t in class and doing poetry as an assignment b/c i was bullied and i found that all the words that flowed on the paper were ones of sorrow and pain and i didn’t want my life story to be written like that. it was my special friend whom i met in the second semester of seventh grade that propelled me to write many poems outside of class. most of the poems i wrote during that time were about him. however later starting high school, in freshman year and the end of eighth grade i began to write spiritual poetry. i wanted to find a way to write about the spiritual nature of being out with my special friend in nature. i remember in freshman year of high school when i was stressed from school, my special friend and i went into the woods and we raced. it was fun watching nature rush by and when we stopped for breath we were both laughing. i realized that i needed to find the words to explain how i felt around my special friend and how being out in nature made me feel, so i turned to poetry. it was a bit hard at first and there were times when i wasn’t sure what to write, but i would just cherish the feelings and sing songs. my special friend often told me that i was quite shy around him and it is true, i never knew how to say the words i felt inside to him, but i showed him i cared. he told me “i know one day you will find the words. and one day those words will light the darkness and bring your true self to the surface.” he was right b/c i have been writing poetry ever since and i have been bringing myself to the surface, healing and finding myself. i know you will find the words as well anita, and you will help light up the world with those words. Also I like having my hair short b/c I succeeded in a sock bun today and it looks neat. With long, thick hair the bun gets knotty and loose and strands fall in my face and I hate that. The hair fits perfectly in the bun and it dries faster. in the meantime here are three poems:

Oftentimes I feel slightly drained after writing narrative or spiritual poetry. When I’m writing, it’s like another force takes over me and the words flow onto the paper from my inner self. I often get my inspiration for poetry from books I read and songs I listen to, but sometimes a word or a phrase will pop up in my head on its own for me to use. Poetry allows me to bring light to the issues I am facing, to make them physical and work my way through my insecurities. Through my words, I can express my inner emotions and come closer to knowing my true self.

Soul of the Heavens (for Anita)

Stars twinkling in the night

Shining like diamonds admist a black canvas

One star shines brighter than the others

One star points steadfastly north

That star is you

Through the darkest days, that star guided me father than I thought I could go

Shining like a work of art

Helping me paint a glow on the blank canvas

All the wavelengths of light in the brightest spectrum

The rainbow that bridges across the sky to help me cross rivers of tears

The light shining through the prism casting rainbows on the walls I had built up

I let the walls fall away and the light come in

You are the light that gave me a reason to show a side of me that I was afraid to show

And I’ve found a reason for me to be stronger

And the reason is you

You are a soul of the heavens

Carrying the light to guide lost souls

When my wings are broken, your sunshine helps reseal the broken pieces

And I fly again

In the darkest and stormiest nights, your candle helps light the way

Your soul is a flame that helps fuel others

Your soul is the north star that guides me when I’ve lost my map

Your soul is of the heavens

The constellations sprinkled across the sky

Forming patterns of the goals in life

When all I see is a blank canvas with holes, you help me see the stars

You help me build the constellations in the shape of my dreams

And the steadfast north star that you are helps me keep on the path

You are a soul of the heavens providing the light to help me home

Refueling the spirit

When the flames climbed to the sky

Stopping me in mid-flight as I fell to the Earth

I saw my broken pieces laid out before me

Looking at the sky, it felt like I’d been lost

Yet through the ash and the smoke clouds, there was a sun hiding behind

The speckled rays of the sun even a little cast light upon the darkness

And I realized that one candle can light the darkness

With hope renewed, like the sun I will live to rise

From the ashes of my former self I saw who I truly was

I began to rebuild myself, making myself better

I saw the inner bully reflected in some of the broken pieces

As I walked along the path, picking up the pieces the shadow of the inner bully followed

And the shadows filled me causing me an empty heart

It seemed I couldn’t see beyond the scars

Looking around, it seemed darkness had encloaked me

That was when I saw the night sky

If there had been no velvet blanket of darkness, then the stars wouldn’t have shined

If there had been no holes, then there would be no place for stars

Looking at the night sky, I saw myself shine

Watching the sun rise at dawn, I realized I too can rise

Like the sun I will rise after long nights of darkness

Like the stars I will refuel my spirit and shine

I had often been the mirror reflecting light to others

But I realized I needed to be the candle and shine my light

Yet I was afraid, held back by my self-doubts and inner bully

And I felt numb watching my life pass me by

I looked within and said “This is ridiculous. Why let doubt run my life? Fear doesn’t get me anywhere.”

And I thought “What about now? What if I make myself all I was meant to be now?”

Yet I kept running and hiding, scared to rock the boat

That was when I opened my eyes and saw myself

Running from your fears doesn’t help solve them

So I gave myself a chance to stand tall

The wind rattled the candle and blew it out many times

I was lost without a light

There were times it was hard to relight the candle and I let the current pull me along

I watched myself slowly lose myself

Until I was almost under

I heard my heart beating and realized I wanted to keep going

So I looked to the sky to save me

Ran to the angels hoping for someone to pick me up again

I was tossed by the waves and dashed on rocks

But even the weariest and stormiest river winds somewhere safe

Just when i was about to lose hope

A safe harbor appeared on the horizon

On the banks stood a lighthouse

I stood entranced soaking up the light

A weary sailor finding safe shore

I made my dock onto the shores

In the lighthouse watching the waves dancing and kissing the shore

I felt peace

I had been through the darkest moment of my life and I had surpassed the storms

I had found the rainbow after the hurricane

I was home where I belonged

I don’t regret this life I chose for me

I won’t run from my fears anymore

I am the keeper of the lighthouse now

It will glow for other weary travelers to find their way home

And as I pick up my wings and fly away home I realize I have made this life my own

I realize I’m beautiful with scars

Scars mean you were stronger than what tried to break you

I always had the candle within me

I always had the courage of the stars to shine bright through the darkest nights

And like the sun I will rise and refuel my spirit after the ashes of my old self fall away

And I will raise the torch of the lighthouse above the shadows, above the inner bully

For this torch burns for eternity guiding lost souls and keeping the shadows away

Just the Way You Are (finding the light within yourself)

I was afraid to speak my voice

So I sat quietly and forgot that I had a choice

I left my body lying along the current drifting through the sands of time

Through the darkest of my days, there must have been a light

Maybe it was too far away or

Maybe I was just blind

I heard the faint beating of my heart

And I waited for the reason to change

I waited for the day to appear when I could show the true side of me

And I realized as I looked within myself

As I watched the world outside

I opened my eyes and looked to the sky

I saw the sun shining in its fierce glory

And I realized I was just watching life pass me by stuck in the valley of shadows

The sun shined its light steadfastly

And I wanted the unwavering light

So I took a chance

A reason to change who I used to be

A reason to show the light again

A reason to start over new

To open new doors and not let the world run who I was

I ran to the edge and I fell

At first I was scared I was falling, but looking back at the fear I left behind I felt free

A sense of weightlessness came over me

A new sense of being and strength came over me and i began to fly

I had been afraid to come to the edge

Afraid to fall that I had missed many chances in life

I was waiting for the end and it came since I was letting my life fall out of my hands

So I took a chance

I went to the edge and jumped

I was afraid, but I gained the strength to fly

Now I’m free fallin’

And I see my reflection in the currents below me

I saw myself shine

I dropped a stone into the pond and saw the ripples

I saw myself in the concentric circles that formed, the unity of the circles within each other

You see the stone in the river had been similar to the hurts I’ve faced

Just like the stone sank and the ripples of the water proved unity

I thought beauty was just on the surface

I buried the hurts underneath

And I thought if I was okay on the outside, it wouldn’t matter the rocks underneath

But that wasn’t true

I kept seeking perfection on the outside

While on the inside I buried the rocks under the sand

Yet I was like the ocean

At times I had turbulent storms

I realized there were many people out there and I couldn’t be like all of them

I am me for a reason

And as I saw my reflection in the pool of tears I had cried from the rocks thrown in

I saw myself for the first time

I realized it didn’t make sense to hurt myself more when I had been hurt already

I had let the bad things define me, but I was ready to heal

I looked deep beneath the surface, beneath the reflection I saw

And I saw hope

I saw a potential to achieve

But most importantly I saw me under the layers

And I realized that no matter what mask I wore

The real me would always be there

The real me had been imprisoned by illusions

I had let myself sink into a mental prison gaining truth from a thousand lies

So I chose to let mercy come and forgive myself

To reach in and find the person I truly was

And to wash away the illusions

Put to rest all the lies I made myself believe

And start over new with a clean slate

I reached beneath the surface and pulled the real me out

I told the real me that it was okay and I appreciated who I was

And I began to converse with the real me

I let the world’s expectations fall away

I realized being yourself is what’s important

Because those who matter don’t mind

And for those critics it’s their fault for not seeing the beautiful soul you are

So let your soul shine

Don’t let the critics define who you are

You’re beautiful just the way you are

You’re beautiful with scars

Don’t bury your dreams and let the rocks hurt you

Beauty lies beneath the surface

And all the words they come up with if it isn’t positive, it doesn’t need your attention

What a shame it would be for a person to never realize the true light within and keep trying to achieve what others want them to do

The whole world is full of everybody else, but few realize their true selves

So do whatever it takes to make your star shine in this world