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Too Criticizing of Myself

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This topic contains 878 replies, has 20 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 days, 9 hours ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 811 through 825 (of 879 total)
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  • #123042

    Shirley
    Participant

    my inner bully is emotionally and physically draining. it's incessant chatter annoys me and makes me irritated. however, when the inner bully says that i won't make it out in life, i press delete on the voice and chop up the inner bully into pieces then i work harder on an assignment. i have learned to laugh and smile even when things are tough and even though i still cry at times, its better than feeling slightly numb or battling the inner bully. when i cry its like i let that part of me that has been controlled by the inner bully out and i'm myself. the inner bully makes me defensive around people and sometimes it makes me feel numb to people b/c most of the time i'm wrestling with the inner bully. so when the inner bully tries to run my mind and say ‘you are nothing.' i am on the defensive around people b/c i think others are seeing me the way the inner bully sees me and if something bad happens, it just leaves me numb. but i won't let the inner bully win, i won't let it turn me into a defensive person who is numb and allows the bullies to control who i am. “No inner bully, you will not take my individuality! This earth angel will keep her heart beating in tune with her goals and her soul shining like the stars. No inner bully, you will not put the flame that shines! So throw your insults, poke your holes in my self-esteem, throw your fire upon me, but this earth angel will rise and alight the world with the flame of compassion and not the flame of hatred.”

    • This reply was modified 11 months ago by  Shirley.
    #123061

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    I wish I could take the inner bully out of you and have it be gone and never be back into your mind and life. I wish I could, so your life would be so much easier. It takes so much of your energy, draining you.

    “No, inner bully, you will not put (out) the flame that shines!

    “This Earth Angel will rise and alight the world with the flame of compassion and not the flame of hatred.”

    Compassion for yourself, for being bullied; see yourself as a victim of (inner) bullying, and protect yourself just as if you were a compassionate mother of the Earth-child-angel, the little girl that you are still inside.

    Did you read that article on the home page, I wonder if something there can help (“9 Ways to Silence Self-Criticism and Embrace Self-Love”)

    anita

    #123126

    Shirley
    Participant

    my brain currently is on vacation, i need it to focus on ap calc since i have a test on thurs and also a u.s history test thurs. i think it is b/c i spent five hours last night working on ap biology b/c i needed to get an assignment done for the class. i did some of the problems for the wksht that i got in ap calc and then my brain just crashed. i think i need a break, but there's still lots of other things to do.

    #123139

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    Your brain deserves the break it needs, so give it to it. Give it the break it needs. Come back here after the break and after the tests-

    anita

    #123244

    Shirley
    Participant

    so my inner bully has been nagging me these days. it keeps saying that i'm a weak person and that i never will amount to anything. it keeps nagging on the fact that i usually work out for thirty minutes and since these days i've been busy, it keeps saying to me ” you are ugly and fat, go exercise. you can't do anything right in school b/c you only have fifteen minutes to work out!” my heart tells me that i am okay, but my inner bully likes to annoy me.

    #123248

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    The inner bully is the representative of all the outside bullies you had the misfortune to encounter in your young life. Believe in yourself, believe you are beautiful Earth Angel, the beautiful teenager and young woman you are becoming. I know you are beautiful- I have almost one whole year of reading your thoughts and feelings, your dreams, your images, your compassion, humor, creativity….your values, interests, passions.

    I know you are beautiful. Please defeat that inner bully, your way. You don't deserve it in your mind and life.

    anita

    #123488

    Shirley
    Participant

    thanks anita:) i find that my inner bully disappears when i'm writing poetry. poetry brings me closer to myself and as the words flow onto paper, i bring to light the inner voice that i have that sometimes is masked by the inner bully. i have finished two poems “Refueling the Spirit” and also “Just the Way You Are.” both are about healing from life's hurts and finding acceptance and courage to keep going and appreciate that you are beautiful just the way you are even with scars. i am working on another poem and it is called “Soul of the Heavens” and it will be about you and how much you've helped me. currently i am busy studying for midterms and i have realized their is no reasoning with the inner bully. i remember you said this in a recent post, but i learned it the hard way. i kept trying to appease the inner bully, but all it saw were faults. when it told me i had to study harder or work out more, i listened and worked on becoming better. but the inner bully will always find something new to attack so i have realized that there is no reasoning with it and i don't care what it says anymore. the things that it tells me are not true and the inner bully does not hold the remote of my life. it does not control the steering wheel and as long as my heart is beating, this earth angel will not crash, for this earth angel will continue to burn that inner bully down and build the bridges to her dreams and pick her wings up to fly high all the way home.

    #123509

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    There is no reasoning with or pleasing the inner bully. Because it is a bully. Notice when the bully tells you something, for a moment you believe it- and that what is so tough, believing the inner bully. I realized this very recently, today more than ever. It is the believing the inner bully that keeps us stuck. So I catch myself believing it (and feeling that distress I know only too well), and I realize that although I just believed what my inner bully said, it is not true. It only FEELS true. This is tricky, but doable- to catch yourself believing the bully and proceeding to say to yourself: even though it (what the inner bully said) FEELS true, it is NOT true.

    This Earth Angel will not crash, for this Earth Angel will continue to burn that inner bully down, and build the bridges to her dreams, and pick her wings up to fly high, all the way home!

    Beautiful poetry by the beautiful Shirley. When you post your poems (and do take your time, I know you have lots of studying to do)- it will be a treat for me!

    Six more days to the One Year Anniversary. I wish I could write a poem for the occasion, I would like to, only I don't know I am a poet. I have six days to try, see if I can make it.

    anita

    #123514

    Shirley
    Participant

    i wish you good luck and anita you give great advice, i'm sure you would make a good poet. i always find myself smiling after reading your words. also i have found that when i act confident. my inner bully seems to disappear. so i'll be singing and dancing and i won't have my inner bully around, that only works when i'm mostly alone. i have yet to gain the courage to dance in public. my special friend told me two days ago “i know you can dance like no one's watching. i know you have an inner light that can touch others b/c i've seen it. i hope you realize that i'll always believe in you and love you until you learn to trust and love yourself. so take the chance to dance and be yourself and those that matter won't care.”

    true poetry is from the heart and the words that make us truly who we are must be positive and touch the soul.

    #123517

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    Your special friend is a poet. I noticed it long ago as you wrote the things he told you. I am thinking I will write a poem, but my confidence as a poet is quite low. I am not skilled or talented that way. I did write poetry when I was your age though, I remember. Those poems meant a lot to me. I may. I just may. “from the heart” is how I will attempt it.

    anita

    #123581

    Shirley
    Participant

    don't worry, soon the words will flow from you. true poetry takes time, but once it comes, the words flow from the depths of your being and bring you closer to yourself. i was taught how to write poetry in seventh grade by my language arts teacher and i enjoyed writing while i was in her class. it was a hard time for me in seventh and eighth grade to write the words when i wasn't in class and doing poetry as an assignment b/c i was bullied and i found that all the words that flowed on the paper were ones of sorrow and pain and i didn't want my life story to be written like that. it was my special friend whom i met in the second semester of seventh grade that propelled me to write many poems outside of class. most of the poems i wrote during that time were about him. however later starting high school, in freshman year and the end of eighth grade i began to write spiritual poetry. i wanted to find a way to write about the spiritual nature of being out with my special friend in nature. i remember in freshman year of high school when i was stressed from school, my special friend and i went into the woods and we raced. it was fun watching nature rush by and when we stopped for breath we were both laughing. i realized that i needed to find the words to explain how i felt around my special friend and how being out in nature made me feel, so i turned to poetry. it was a bit hard at first and there were times when i wasn't sure what to write, but i would just cherish the feelings and sing songs. my special friend often told me that i was quite shy around him and it is true, i never knew how to say the words i felt inside to him, but i showed him i cared. he told me “i know one day you will find the words. and one day those words will light the darkness and bring your true self to the surface.” he was right b/c i have been writing poetry ever since and i have been bringing myself to the surface, healing and finding myself. i know you will find the words as well anita, and you will help light up the world with those words. Also I like having my hair short b/c I succeeded in a sock bun today and it looks neat. With long, thick hair the bun gets knotty and loose and strands fall in my face and I hate that. The hair fits perfectly in the bun and it dries faster. in the meantime here are three poems:

    Oftentimes I feel slightly drained after writing narrative or spiritual poetry. When I'm writing, it's like another force takes over me and the words flow onto the paper from my inner self. I often get my inspiration for poetry from books I read and songs I listen to, but sometimes a word or a phrase will pop up in my head on its own for me to use. Poetry allows me to bring light to the issues I am facing, to make them physical and work my way through my insecurities. Through my words, I can express my inner emotions and come closer to knowing my true self.

    Soul of the Heavens (for Anita)

    Stars twinkling in the night

    Shining like diamonds admist a black canvas

    One star shines brighter than the others

    One star points steadfastly north

    That star is you

    Through the darkest days, that star guided me father than I thought I could go

    Shining like a work of art

    Helping me paint a glow on the blank canvas

    All the wavelengths of light in the brightest spectrum

    The rainbow that bridges across the sky to help me cross rivers of tears

    The light shining through the prism casting rainbows on the walls I had built up

    I let the walls fall away and the light come in

    You are the light that gave me a reason to show a side of me that I was afraid to show

    And I've found a reason for me to be stronger

    And the reason is you

    You are a soul of the heavens

    Carrying the light to guide lost souls

    When my wings are broken, your sunshine helps reseal the broken pieces

    And I fly again

    In the darkest and stormiest nights, your candle helps light the way

    Your soul is a flame that helps fuel others

    Your soul is the north star that guides me when I've lost my map

    Your soul is of the heavens

    The constellations sprinkled across the sky

    Forming patterns of the goals in life

    When all I see is a blank canvas with holes, you help me see the stars

    You help me build the constellations in the shape of my dreams

    And the steadfast north star that you are helps me keep on the path

    You are a soul of the heavens providing the light to help me home

    Refueling the spirit

    When the flames climbed to the sky

    Stopping me in mid-flight as I fell to the Earth

    I saw my broken pieces laid out before me

    Looking at the sky, it felt like I'd been lost

    Yet through the ash and the smoke clouds, there was a sun hiding behind

    The speckled rays of the sun even a little cast light upon the darkness

    And I realized that one candle can light the darkness

    With hope renewed, like the sun I will live to rise

    From the ashes of my former self I saw who I truly was

    I began to rebuild myself, making myself better

    I saw the inner bully reflected in some of the broken pieces

    As I walked along the path, picking up the pieces the shadow of the inner bully followed

    And the shadows filled me causing me an empty heart

    It seemed I couldn't see beyond the scars

    Looking around, it seemed darkness had encloaked me

    That was when I saw the night sky

    If there had been no velvet blanket of darkness, then the stars wouldn't have shined

    If there had been no holes, then there would be no place for stars

    Looking at the night sky, I saw myself shine

    Watching the sun rise at dawn, I realized I too can rise

    Like the sun I will rise after long nights of darkness

    Like the stars I will refuel my spirit and shine

    I had often been the mirror reflecting light to others

    But I realized I needed to be the candle and shine my light

    Yet I was afraid, held back by my self-doubts and inner bully

    And I felt numb watching my life pass me by

    I looked within and said “This is ridiculous. Why let doubt run my life? Fear doesn't get me anywhere.”

    And I thought “What about now? What if I make myself all I was meant to be now?”

    Yet I kept running and hiding, scared to rock the boat

    That was when I opened my eyes and saw myself

    Running from your fears doesn't help solve them

    So I gave myself a chance to stand tall

    The wind rattled the candle and blew it out many times

    I was lost without a light

    There were times it was hard to relight the candle and I let the current pull me along

    I watched myself slowly lose myself

    Until I was almost under

    I heard my heart beating and realized I wanted to keep going

    So I looked to the sky to save me

    Ran to the angels hoping for someone to pick me up again

    I was tossed by the waves and dashed on rocks

    But even the weariest and stormiest river winds somewhere safe

    Just when i was about to lose hope

    A safe harbor appeared on the horizon

    On the banks stood a lighthouse

    I stood entranced soaking up the light

    A weary sailor finding safe shore

    I made my dock onto the shores

    In the lighthouse watching the waves dancing and kissing the shore

    I felt peace

    I had been through the darkest moment of my life and I had surpassed the storms

    I had found the rainbow after the hurricane

    I was home where I belonged

    I don't regret this life I chose for me

    I won't run from my fears anymore

    I am the keeper of the lighthouse now

    It will glow for other weary travelers to find their way home

    And as I pick up my wings and fly away home I realize I have made this life my own

    I realize I'm beautiful with scars

    Scars mean you were stronger than what tried to break you

    I always had the candle within me

    I always had the courage of the stars to shine bright through the darkest nights

    And like the sun I will rise and refuel my spirit after the ashes of my old self fall away

    And I will raise the torch of the lighthouse above the shadows, above the inner bully

    For this torch burns for eternity guiding lost souls and keeping the shadows away

    Just the Way You Are (finding the light within yourself)

    I was afraid to speak my voice

    So I sat quietly and forgot that I had a choice

    I left my body lying along the current drifting through the sands of time

    Through the darkest of my days, there must have been a light

    Maybe it was too far away or

    Maybe I was just blind

    I heard the faint beating of my heart

    And I waited for the reason to change

    I waited for the day to appear when I could show the true side of me

    And I realized as I looked within myself

    As I watched the world outside

    I opened my eyes and looked to the sky

    I saw the sun shining in its fierce glory

    And I realized I was just watching life pass me by stuck in the valley of shadows

    The sun shined its light steadfastly

    And I wanted the unwavering light

    So I took a chance

    A reason to change who I used to be

    A reason to show the light again

    A reason to start over new

    To open new doors and not let the world run who I was

    I ran to the edge and I fell

    At first I was scared I was falling, but looking back at the fear I left behind I felt free

    A sense of weightlessness came over me

    A new sense of being and strength came over me and i began to fly

    I had been afraid to come to the edge

    Afraid to fall that I had missed many chances in life

    I was waiting for the end and it came since I was letting my life fall out of my hands

    So I took a chance

    I went to the edge and jumped

    I was afraid, but I gained the strength to fly

    Now I'm free fallin'

    And I see my reflection in the currents below me

    I saw myself shine

    I dropped a stone into the pond and saw the ripples

    I saw myself in the concentric circles that formed, the unity of the circles within each other

    You see the stone in the river had been similar to the hurts I've faced

    Just like the stone sank and the ripples of the water proved unity

    I thought beauty was just on the surface

    I buried the hurts underneath

    And I thought if I was okay on the outside, it wouldn't matter the rocks underneath

    But that wasn't true

    I kept seeking perfection on the outside

    While on the inside I buried the rocks under the sand

    Yet I was like the ocean

    At times I had turbulent storms

    I realized there were many people out there and I couldn't be like all of them

    I am me for a reason

    And as I saw my reflection in the pool of tears I had cried from the rocks thrown in

    I saw myself for the first time

    I realized it didn't make sense to hurt myself more when I had been hurt already

    I had let the bad things define me, but I was ready to heal

    I looked deep beneath the surface, beneath the reflection I saw

    And I saw hope

    I saw a potential to achieve

    But most importantly I saw me under the layers

    And I realized that no matter what mask I wore

    The real me would always be there

    The real me had been imprisoned by illusions

    I had let myself sink into a mental prison gaining truth from a thousand lies

    So I chose to let mercy come and forgive myself

    To reach in and find the person I truly was

    And to wash away the illusions

    Put to rest all the lies I made myself believe

    And start over new with a clean slate

    I reached beneath the surface and pulled the real me out

    I told the real me that it was okay and I appreciated who I was

    And I began to converse with the real me

    I let the world's expectations fall away

    I realized being yourself is what's important

    Because those who matter don't mind

    And for those critics it's their fault for not seeing the beautiful soul you are

    So let your soul shine

    Don't let the critics define who you are

    You're beautiful just the way you are

    You're beautiful with scars

    Don't bury your dreams and let the rocks hurt you

    Beauty lies beneath the surface

    And all the words they come up with if it isn't positive, it doesn't need your attention

    What a shame it would be for a person to never realize the true light within and keep trying to achieve what others want them to do

    The whole world is full of everybody else, but few realize their true selves

    So do whatever it takes to make your star shine in this world

    #123582

    Shirley
    Participant

    Books

    I have a feeling that George R. Martin the author of the series A Song of Ice and Fire which includes five books starting with Game of Thrones and ending with Dance of Dragons will seek to topple the word record for the longest book. His novels keep getting longer with each book he writes for the series. Have you read the Eragon Dragon Riders series? I liked Divergent and also the Shadowhunters series. I have also read Harry Potter.

    A Game of Thrones: 704
    A Clash of Kings: 768
    A Storm of Swords: 992
    A Feast for Crows: 753
    A Dance with Dragons: 1056
    The Winds of Winter: coming soon
    A Dream of Spring: coming soon

    It's like the Diary of a Wimpy Kid Series that uses different colors for the books.

    In Search of Lost Time/ Remembrance of Things Past translated from French by Marcel Proust is thought by the Guinness World records to be the longest book at 4,215 words. I think I have an unabridged dictionary that may be longer or somewhere near that and it is a heavy book weighing 20 lbs.

    #123583

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    More poems, yes! Just read your preview to the poems, the history of your progression as a poet. Your special friend has been a big part of you becoming the poet that you are. When you quote what he tells you, he sounds like the poet that he is. What a special relationship.

    And I read the Soul of Heavens, precious.

    Beautiful, touching, appreciated:
    “The rainbow that bridges across the sky to help me cross rivers of tears (rivers of tears…)
    …You are the light that gave me a reason to show a side of me that I was afraid to show
    And I’ve found a reason for me to be stronger
    And the reason is you”

    One day, maybe, you will be strong enough to dance, maybe with your special friend; maybe he will dance too.

    I will come back to it and to the other treats tomorrow morning with a fresh brain I am hoping to have. Looking forward to delving into these new poems!

    anita

    #123616

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    Ouch! This hurts. I just put together the most elaborate post with quotes and comments on your three poems, one at a time, clicked submit and .. nothing! I thought for a moment about copying the post before submitting, because of the length and detail, but didn't follow through with the precaution. OUCH!

    It took a long time to compose my post, copy one poem at a time, reading, commenting. Well, I don't want to do it again, so using my memory I will comment the following without going back and forth to your poems:

    Thank you for another poem for me, the first one. I like the imagery in all of them, beautiful imagery. I liked the scientific input in the last one, about the waves produced by a rock or a stone falling into the water.

    I commented that you were always beautiful and shining from the inside, even when you didn't know it. I commented that it never made sense that you hurt yourself, and never will. I wrote that as you fear less, you grow stronger. That I am glad you gave voice to your true self, that you speak your truth.

    anita

    #123642

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    I will try again. Thank you for these poems.

    Soul of the Heavens

    Stars twinkling in the night
    Shining like diamonds admist a black canvas (beautiful imagery)
    One star shines brighter than the others (I know you are referring to me….)
    One star points steadfastly north
    That star is you (I knew it, it's me!)
    Through the darkest days, that star guided me father than I thought I could go
    Shining like a work of art (I am a work of art…)
    …The rainbow that bridges across the sky to help me cross rivers of tears (glad to be of service!)
    …I let the walls fall away and the light come in
    …And I’ve found a reason for me to be stronger
    And the reason is you (these two lines are most beautiful, precious, so very much so..)
    You are a soul of the heavens (I am a soul of the heavens, wow.. my goodness, it sounds so good!)
    Carrying the light to guide lost souls (I think we all are lost souls until we connect with love)
    When my wings are broken, your sunshine helps reseal the broken pieces
    And I fly again (Shirley the flying Earth Angel!)
    …Your soul is a flame that helps fuel others (tactile imagery of heat)
    …And the steadfast north star that you are helps me keep on the path (I like it, the path…)
    You are a soul of the heavens providing the light to help me home (home, your theme in poetry)

    Refueling the spirit

    ….I began to rebuild myself, making myself better (you were always better, Shirley, Good, that is)
    I saw the inner bully reflected in some of the broken pieces (I do not like that inner bully..)
    …Looking at the night sky, I saw myself shine (you do shine, I see you shine, I do)
    …Yet I was afraid, held back by my self-doubts and inner bully (I do not like that bully.. do not)
    …That was when I opened my eyes and saw myself
    Running from your fears doesn’t help solve them
    So I gave myself a chance to stand tall (always stand tall, Shirley, always!)
    ….I heard my heart beating and realized I wanted to keep going
    So I looked to the sky to save me (I too used to look up to the sky to save me when I was young)
    Ran to the angels hoping for someone to pick me up again
    I was tossed by the waves and dashed on rocks (know that feeling…)
    …On the banks stood a lighthouse
    I stood entranced soaking up the light (the lighthouse in you…)
    …I had been through the darkest moment of my life and I had surpassed the storms
    I had found the rainbow after the hurricane
    I was home where I belonged
    …I realize I’m beautiful with scars (yes, you are)

    Just the Way You Are

    I was afraid to speak my voice
    So I sat quietly and forgot that I had a choice (rhyming nicely)
    …And I waited for the reason to change
    I waited for the day to appear when I could show the true side of me (365 days, almost, on this thread!)
    …So I took a chance
    A reason to change who I used to be (you had the light at the beginning of you, then it was taken away by the bullies in your life…)
    A reason to show the light again (release that light from its hiding place)
    …I went to the edge and jumped (watch out!)
    I was afraid, but I gained the strength to fly (Earth Angels do fly, what a relief!)
    Now I’m free fallin’ (nice touch, fallin')
    …I kept seeking perfection on the outside
    While on the inside I buried the rocks under the sand (that is where your light was hiding…)
    …I am me for a reason (to shine your authentic light!)
    ….I saw myself for the first time (good, good)
    I realized it didn’t make sense to hurt myself more when I had been hurt already (it never made sense to hurt yourself; never will make sense)
    ..I looked deep beneath the surface, beneath the reflection I saw
    …I saw me under the layers (yes, I see you too!)
    And I realized that no matter what mask I wore
    The real me would always be there (forever on this longest thread in the history…)
    The real me had been imprisoned by illusions (and delusions, that is, false beliefs)
    I had let myself sink into a mental prison gaining truth from a thousand lies (delusions/ lies)
    …Put to rest all the lies I made myself believe (like I wrote, delusions, false, incorrect beliefs)
    …And I began to converse with the real me (and keep gently, kindly to yourself, be your own inner best friend or inner earth angel)
    I let the world’s expectations fall away (with all its bullies and inner bullies… I do not like them..)
    ….So do whatever it takes to make your star shine in this world (thank you, Shirley, will do…)

    anita

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