I think having friends who are here to listen can give you strength and help you not give up. I don’t think I would have survived this long without having support from friends like you. Thank you for helping me see there is meaning in life and for helping me be strong when things are rough. My parents make me question the validity of my gender expression daily when they misgender me and I find myself at war with myself as I try to figure out who I am as a person and who my parents want me to be. It’s like a consistent argument with myself “I hate stereotypes! But you are living in one!” And me arguing with my inner critic who says I’m a hypocrite, “It’s because safety sometimes trumps comfort!” And my inner critic will say “You say you want to live your own life, yet you are still following stereotypes!” And I will argue “I am working on finding myself underneath the stereotypes and working on not following them.” And the inner critic will say “Yeah right as you fall back into your stereotypes again. You don’t know how to be outside the gender binary.” And I will say “I a m working on finding who I am. It would be easier if I didn’t have to constantly work on believing in who I am as I battle stereotypes that say I can never be this or that.” This is me and my inner critic arguing often more prominent from criticisms and fears instilled from parents which seem to be where the inner critic gets its fuel. And the latest question is “Do I have to be a certain character to be the gender identity I want? Is what I feel like on the inside not valid in my presentation of my gender identity as masculine or do I need to adopt what society seems masculine attributes so I am valid?” I don’t think I’ll ever fit into societal stereotypes of gender, but I would like to just feel valid for being me and have my feelings acknowledged. Sometimes there doesn’t have to be a physical attributes, but just emotional ones. It just feels right for me. I don’t know how to explain this to my parents and they don’t seem to understand my emotions. And the thoughts in my mind make me wonder whether I am a real person. I am exploring who I am as a person not the stereotypes of what a man should be because I don’t fit into any of them so in my parents eyes I am not really a man. I wonder why men can’t be sensitive, artistic, creative, compassionate. Why is it in my parents’ eyes that men need to know how to fix things, manage money and not be afraid of little things? It would be great if I didn’t have to fight with my parents’ expectations of what men should be. I don’t have much interest in fixing things, I want to do what I care about not seek money and I am sensitive and have fears of things like bugs and matches. I got burned by a match when I was younger and I’ve never liked bugs. I am more open-minded about people and I agree that appearances don’t always correlate with inner personalities and stereotypes only limit us. Yet I still feel invalidated when it seems like I have to be a certain way to be seen as masculine by my parents, like the things I know and do aren’t good enough. Like having my hair short, working out, dressing in simple clothes isn’t enough. Sometimes it’s hard to be yourself when the people who raised you insist that you fit into the stereotypes that they set for you. When you go against what used to be your base and the roots that helped you grow, it can be hard because you have to rebuild your own base and your roots. I rather be my own person, but being around parents- parents are a child’s first mentor- can be hard. They always seem to know how to hurt you no matter who you become. How can I think outside the box when they won’t let me out of it? And when I transcend the box, who will I be as a person? How can I be sure the personality I have will not be the one with stereotypes? When I have to constantly struggle with my gender dysphoria around my parents and feeling like I am being invalidated, how can I believe in myself as I tell myself constantly who I am but the struggle against the stereotypes seems hard and the fear that my parents may kick me out of the house, refuse to support me financially for education or other things is a fear because they have threatened me with it. Sometimes I think my mind is filled with so many thoughts about how to understand myself and make sense of the world. I’m always trying to understand the nature beneath the surface of things and at times it can be overwhelming. I do overthink things, often planning many steps ahead of time in case one plan goes wrong. Sometimes I try something to test the waters before initiating a plan just to see if it works out. I think it’s one of the annoying things about being a scientist. I can be too analytical at many things.

I am grateful for your encouragement Anita and talking about things on tinybuddha helps me work out my problems and bring them into the light. One of my Ocean Pride LGBTQ friends wants to be a therapist and she is really good at it. Talking with her has helped me work through some of the feelings I’ve buried for so long. I managed to talk about the guy who sexually assaulted me in seventh grade and other things that I couldn’t talk about for so long and it feels like I’ve had some burdens relieved from talking to her. Also the Ocean Pride LGBTQ club members are amazing at helping me feel less alone and feel safe. I am grateful to have people who accept me and I keep touch with them when I’m at home and they make things feel better. Sometimes I’ll have a day when I feel like I’m screaming on the inside, feeling shaky and crying and not sure who I am and I’ll have one of the club members encourage me. Also the guy who sexually assaulted me in middle school wants to reconnect with me, but I don’t want to. He’s approached me four times and asked me about hanging out. I’ve told him that I have a busy schedule and I don’t want to dredge up past memories. He always says things like “There must be a time you’re free! Remember those things we did, I’m sure you liked it.” And I did not like what he did and I have been quite busy and I don’t like that he seems to demand to intrude back into my life. It feels like an intrusion because he thinks that I’m still the same person I once was and feels like it’s okay to reconnect and bring back the past, but I am not the same person and I don’t think having him in my life is really important. I have moved on and I don’t really care about him. Also here is the story of what this guy did to me that after many years I can finally find the words to say it. The guy who helped me and plays hockey is my special friend. I think a question is “What do I do when he approaches me and tries to get me to hang out with him? How do I be assertive and tell him I’m not interested in him? How do I react when he asks me inappropriate questions like ‘Can I see your body? Did you like what we did?'” Okay, so here is the story of my life and how much my special friend has helped me especially throughout middle school into high school:

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Janus.

He the guy who sexually assaulted me in seventh grade and now Im recounting the memory I buried for so long. So the day when my friend had the hockey game and I was alone again I tried to walk quickly to the bus and avoid him and he tried to grab my arm, but one of the hockey guy’s friends blocked his way and walked with me. I think one of his friends told my friend who played hockey that there was a guy harassing me and he said that he was sorry that he wasn’t aware of that. The guy who played hockey liked me and he said he felt jealous that another guy was trying to get with me. He said if he had known what was happening, he would have protected me better. It was him who saved my life again in high school. Because that guy who slammed me in the boy’s bathroom threatened me with a knife and he helped me. He helped me cope with the sexual abuse in middle school and saved my life from another guy in high school.

And talking with you is great, it helps me understand why I feel so guarded at times. I think it’s because of the things I’ve been through and not being validated by people that have caused me to internalize things
They always say that I shouldn’t waste gas, that I have to help out at the restaurant, that school work is more important. Weirdly enough, they let my brother hang out with people when he was in college. He went to a four year university from the start and he was rarely home and they didn’t care about him. They always say that he is more responsible than me and he works harder and knows more.

And after that guy threatened me with a knife and made me feel invalidated in high school that was when the things that happened in middle school seemed to come back to me and they were overwhelming. I had had enough. So I took a dive into the deep end of the pool and I hit my head and I was sinking into unconsciousness. My mind felt calm and I was thinking “This is it, I can end it all. And I’ll be okay.”
When I was in a lucid-state, I felt a hand pull me out of the water and drag me to the shallow end. It was the guy who played hockey. He looked at me and started crying “I don’t want you to die. You’re special to me and I love you.” Those words hit my heart that felt frozen in numbness and I began to cry and said “I can’t do this anymore! I hate myself and I hate my life.” And I was sobbing and he held me saying “I know how you feel and I love you. You mean so much to me and I don’t want to lose you.” He held me there at the shallow end of the pool until my tears subsided and then he helped me out of the pool. I’m grateful he saved my life and helped me through that rough time. I don’t think I would be here if it wasn’t for him who always let me know that I had a place in this world and that someone saw me for me and that I wasn’t a freak with a mental illness like some people believed

Also my parents have never been great at helping me cope with things emotionally. They just think that I bring the bullying to me by being different or that I can just walk away from bullies and focus on the positive but the words and the things bullies do follow you long after they are gone and it takes time to heal.

There have been two suicide attempts in my life, one was after the guy threatened me in high school and the other was in eighth grade when I was in middle school. The counselors that I got sent to didn’t help, they were like “Well, if he coerced you into consenting, you technically consented and it’s not assault and if he physically didn’t beat you, leave scars or stick his penis in you, it’s not assault.” So that sucked because I was being invalidated as a victim. That was emotionally taxing and that was the eighth grade suicide attempt when I decided to take a knife and slit my wrists.

I used to sleep with a knife as protection because I was afraid of the dark, but after the knife incident in high school I don’t. So that was the knife I used. It was late at night and I didn’t think anyone would be awake and I decided to do it. I sent my friend who played hockey a message: “Thank you for making my life meaningful. It was great knowing you. Take care of yourself and I’ll see you in

the next life.” He must have been awake because I got a message saying “Are you okay?! I’m coming over!”
Within a few minutes, he was here and knocking on the door and I let him in. He saw me with the knife and was like “Are you serious? You can’t do this to yourself?” I said “that life was meaningless and that I didn’t care.” He then grabbed my arm, shook it so the knife I was holding dropped and he kicked it away from me and picked it up. I tried reaching for it but he wouldn’t let me. He said “No I won’t let you. Tell me what’s wrong.” I said “Everything’s fine, just stop and let me die!” And he said “No, you’re not going to kill yourself. I won’t let it happen. And I’m not going anywhere until I’m sure you’re okay.” I looked at him and burst into tears, he hugged me and said ” If you ever need someone to tell you how much your worth in this world, call me. You’re beautiful and there may be storms now, but if you give up you lose your chances of discovering the rainbow after the storm. You may not feel valued now, but I’ll help you stand until you have the strength to see how beautiful you are and the difference you can make in this world. I love you and believe that you will help the world be better. Don’t give up because you won’t have chances to find yourself and change if you end your life. It’s okay if you don’t know where you belong or who you are, I’ll love you for the person you are. I believe that you will do good things in the world, don’t let the negative thoughts get you. I’ll be here for you.” It was great having a person who helped me through that dark time and because of him I feel grateful to be alive and when I get depressed I have hope in myself and don’t want to end things because I want to have a chance to change for the better. He taught me how to appreciate my life. I still get depressed and have moments when I feel lost, but no matter what happens I know that I have a place in the world and that people care. I am glad to have people like you in my life who encourage me to strive for my goals, to not give up and also to make me feel that I am valid being who I am. You make my life meaningful and it’s great talking to you and also having time to organize my thoughts so I can better understand myself, release my flaws into the light and also have the courage to change for the better daily. Thank you for being here and listening. Thank you for giving me a reason to live and change each day.

Dear Anita

At first I was stressed about Chemistry II- both the lecture and lab. My lab professor has added some of the lab report grades that I have completed and it has brought my Chemistry II lab grade up to a 91 so I’m glad. I only have 3 more lab experiments before winter break which is December 21st-January 22. The Spring 2019 semester starts January 23rd. I am applying for graduation for the Spring 2019 semester because I have enough credits at my college. After I graduate, I will need another Physics course to complete my requirements to transfer to Rutgers School of Engineering. I will be taking Physics 2 in the summer so I will have some days on campus where I can get support and after finishing that course hopefully I’ll have enough credits for an engineering program at Rutgers. I am quite excited and hoping for the best. I spoke with my college advisor today and she said I should check with Rutgers to see if I can take the Physics course at the university and just transfer my transcripts there so I can start up in the Fall 2019. I called Rutgers and haven’t had a response from them about whether Physics is required to transfer for engineering majors, so I’ll call back later, the admissions may have been busy. It’s going to be a busy next few weeks, but this semester has been quite busy. But it’s also rewarding because I am glad of the hard work that I’m putting in and have hope that I can bring my Chemistry II grade to a B for this semester. My lab partner and I have started to have open communication over the past weeks. It started when he complimented me on my data collection and chemistry calculation skills and I complimented him on his ability to perform the experiments well. It was good to know from each other that both of us had something we valued in the other. This lead to me helping him understand the chemistry data and him helping me with understanding experimental lab equipment and it made us both feel like we were involved in a collaborative effort. Since I was good with the data, I would check over the calculations and the experimental measurements and procedure and he would work on the experiment.  The combination of one person doing the experiment and the other checking it made us both learn and it saved time because if a mistake was caught early it could be fixed so we wouldn’t have to do the trial over. There are still small errors in our experiments, but we’ve both accepted that people make mistakes and if the work is good at least 80% of the time, it’s okay. So I haven’t seen the guy who sexually assaulted me in middle school around. I have been in other places on campus during the time of 11am-12pm which is when I see him the most. During those times, I will study in another building rather than building 8 (student center) or building 3 (library) so I don’t run into him. I think he has classes from 12:30pm-3:15pm which is the same time I have classes, so if I don’t have class on a certain day and it’s in this time range I don’t see him. The reason I believe this is that I always run into him at the library or student center from 11am-12pm and he hangs out there when he doesn’t have class. I use the library to study, so if I am in the library at 11am I will go into a private study room upstairs where I can be alone. Last Friday (I don’t have classes Fridays and use the day to get work done), I was in a study room upstairs at 11am and I didn’t run into him.  This Friday, there are a lot of people working on catching up for their classes before the semester ends. There are some people who are picking Spring 2019 classes, which the registration just opened this Tuesday. I have picked my Spring 2019 classes and am excited about them. The good thing is that with a lot of people around in the library, I don’t see him because he usually comes around when there aren’t that much people around. So at 11am today, I was finishing some chemistry II work and didn’t run into him. Also I am glad that i got an 86 on the Chemistry quiz, it’s the first quiz grade that has been good so I am improving. I hope I do well on the chemistry II exam this Monday. I have been reviewing sections of the Chemistry II book and have developed better understanding of the chapters for the exam, but there’s still more practice to be done, but I think I will do relatively well on the exam. Anatomy and Physiology is a lot of fun this semester. I don’t remember all the facial bones, but I have a good grasp of the 206 bones and over 600 muscles in the body and I understand how each structure fits with the other. It is amazing to learn about the human body because it helps me better understand my biological nature and I find myself fascinated at how the body has various ways of maintaining homeostasis. It makes me feel a sense of gratitude at how hard my body works to keep me alive and I realize that I am a unique being. This interest in Anatomy and Physiology allows me to do well in the class as well lessens my inner critic because I can argue with the inner critic when it says I’m not good at anything because that is untrue. I still have dysphoria that will always be there until I transition, but I feel like I can take little steps each day to get me towards my goal. I can do well in school, get a good career as a genetic engineer and then transition. I hope to have my dreams accomplished by age 40. Lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t give my time to my friends as much and I feel slightly guilty. I want to be there for my friends, but I also have lots of things like college graduation and transfer, education that will help me get a good career, seeking resources to transition and spirituality.  I make a habit to meditate every morning and night when I wake and before going to sleep and that helps me feel more relaxed and alert throughout the day. I have lots of things to think about since it’s only two semester before I graduate but when my friends say I’m not spending as much time with them I feel bad. I do make time for my friends when they need help with school work, cheering up and also to hang out. But I can’t always devote 3 hours every day to a friend because I need time for my studies. I feel selfish that I’m not spending as much time with friends and sometimes my friends tell me I say that I’m busy and can only hang out for a certain amount of hours that I’m not being a good friend. Sometimes in my mind, I feel like some of my friends seem to be needy of friendship. For example, I tell my friend that I spend the first 3 hours doing school work and then I’ll hang out for 2 hours and I’ll have to go home early because I have to study for an exam and they will think that i don’t put enough time in my schedule for them. some friends say i just squeeze them into my schedule when it feels convenient, but that’s not the case. there are times when a friend will struggle in life and need someone to be there and regardless of my schedule i will find time for them. I can’t always hang out with friends during the times they are available, but i will make time for them. Sometimes I feel like my friends try to rush me to help them with something. I will tell them that I have a specific time in my schedule that I can spend on that task and I will make sure it gets done, but they feel like the specific time in my schedule is not enough or too far away for them so they try to take me away from my priorities so I can help them with theirs or hang out with them. And this makes me feel strained because I have less time for my priorities because I’m helping them out with theirs. So the questions are: How do I stop my friends from taking my time away from my priorities without feeling guilty? How do I figure out how to manage a schedule that works for both me and my friends? How do I know which priorities are important to get myself involved in? How do I assure my friends that I do appreciate their priorities and I have a set time that I will get to them and reassure them that I will help them?

one of my friends wants me to help her set up a site that teaches people wicca and i enjoy it, but I’ve only been able to give her advice on and off for some days in november because of school work. mondays and wednesdays are quite busy for me with three classes and i get home late. the rest of the days of the week,  i’m working on school work and i try to make time for the site, but i haven’t been contributing much lately because i’ve been busy and i feel guilty. i feel like i have some responsibility in the site because i encouraged her to make it and said i would help. she has done more for the site than i have. she created most the site while i have just been giving her advice on the content to post on the site (which she takes my advice and puts the content on the site). sometimes i feel like i’m not collaborating enough with my friends.  Other questions: How do i know I’m not taking on more than I can handle? If I just made a friend and decide to wait until I get to know them better before telling them my gender identity and they find out from one of their friends and question me about it and say I’m being a disloyal friend, what do I do? I made a new friend who didn’t know I identified as a transgender male and I wasn’t comfortable telling him because I had only met him, but he found out from one of his friends so now he is saying that I am a selfish friend for not telling him something this important. And I have said to him that I wanted to get to know him better before telling him it because things like this are a big deal. And he has said that I don’t act like it’s a big deal because I seem to be nonchalant most of the time. And I say that sometimes appearances of calm aren’t always true and it seems like there’s a argument going on between both of us and he says I didn’t trust him enough to tell him this. He even said “Do you think I’m that prejudiced of a person that i would judge you for your gender identity? You’re fine being who you are.” And now I don’t know what to say.

Thank you so much Anita! It’s great having a friend like you to talk to. I don’t post frequently because I’m busy with school work, but i always think of how grateful i am to have people who care about me. when my inner critic is being irritating, there is a light in my life and i feel some warmth knowing that i have people i can talk to. thank you for being here for me, Anita. You are an amazing person and I am glad you are in my life. Hope you have a good Thanksgiving!