Dear Anita

I have planned out my schedule for Spring 2019 semester (last full semester at Ocean County College) and working on taking summer Physics II and Calculus III so I will have enough credit requirements to transfer. I am currently working on my Rutgers application, the college essay prompt is to describe why you would be a good student at Rutgers and I am working on that. I listed four volunteer activities in my college application: Ocean Pride, NJSTARS, Environmental Club and also Math Tutoring. After the essay (which I am still drafting and revising), I have completed most of the application and will submit it. The deadline for transfer students is February 1st and students get notified of acceptance around May. After I have finished these tasks, I will work on the FAFSA. I think I will complete the FAFSA before I submit my college application because it will allow room for scholarships to open up based on my financial merit.

Scientists haven’t discovered a way to see if animals have gender dysphoria because most animals don’t have the gender presentations humans do. Also, animals don’t ‘self-mutilate’ their bodies to adapt to the environment.  Natural selection and evolution often play a factor on animal developments . Humans have the ability to reason and make decisions which leads to a more defined sense of self and gender identity which is different from animals who mostly take upon various traits to adapt to their environment and survive.  Most animals don’t know how to care for themselves with medicines and surgery like humans do. I don’t think even with the dexterity that a monkey’s fingers may have that a monkey could hold a vaccine and try to inject itself with the medicine. For starters, the vaccine may not be compatible with the monkey’s immune system and I don’t think the monkey would understand that the vaccine is helpful and not harmful because it would be able to comprehend the pain rather than the benefits because of cognition differences between humans and animals. Animals may not express gender dysphoria or a defined sense of gender identity and most don’t ‘self-mutilate’ themselves to have a specific body form. Mutations can be risky to a species’ survival out in nature, so it is often in nature’s interests to favor the traits that may help aid survival. If animals had their basic needs met, perhaps they could have a sense of self-worth and identity like humans because if they didn’t have to search for food and water, it may allow for higher cognition to take place and for them to develop reasoning power. But if all animals had the same reasoning power, there would not be competition and competition is important in helping regulate species. If a tiger had the same intellect as a human and since the tiger is a carnivore, it may be bad for the human who wants to hunt animals because the animals will be able to anticipate each others’ moves and it wouldn’t be possible to figure out who would be better off. It would be difficult to kill the tiger because of its new intellect, but it would also pose a problem for humans because the animal populations would like rise to large numbers because of their intellect and many will try to fight for dominance but each one will be able to anticipate the other that there wouldn’t be a species that would rise to the top and help control the populations and things would go wrong.

Since humans have a higher level of cognition, mental health is important to them. An individual may be physically healthy, but have mental health issues that result that can lead to physical problems like depression and illness. Since humans have the ability to reason and also create new inventions that can advance medicine, it is important for humans to have ways to improve their sense of well-being in life. Humans don’t have to chase their food like animals do, so the basic needs of food and shelter are met. Food, water and shelter are things humans can obtain relatively easily because of their high intellect. With these basic needs met, they can develop higher cognitive functions such as a sense of identity and self-esteem. Since mental well-being is important because humans think with their minds, sometimes mental unrest is a reason why humans seek medicine to help them with their well-being. People are motivated to move towards pleasure and away from pain, which includes emotional pain. The development of higher cognition in humans allows people to be self-aware of themselves and construct gender identities that can help organize the world, making it easier to navigate and less complex. The reason why society has gender is to help make it easier to classify humans. Instead of referring to humans with one term and trying to work out the differences, scientists try to separate humans based on similarities in appearance and behaviors. Scientists like to use a binomial classification system so the designation of humans into male and female based on their physical appearance (biological sex)  is developed, but it is society that gives people their sense of gender identity. Society likes to place certain behaviors as male or female because it makes it easier to classify people and it gives people a sense of where they belong. Humans like having a sense of belonging and self-worth because if there other lower needs are met, they will want to feel like they are appreciated in the world. This is why many people have such strong emotional attachments to values of society that may affect their emotional and mental well-being. Some people over time may discover that they do not fit into the societal behaviors attributed to gender identity and they may feel gender dissonance which is a feeling that the behaviors a person portrays is not what society expects of them. For example, a person who was born biologically sexed female may be expected by society to present a gender identity of female, but the person may not want to be that way, that person is not conforming to societal expectations of how they should behave and they are exhibiting gender dissonance. However, if an individual feels extreme discomfort over their biological sex and also hates the societal expectations of how they should present their gender identity because they were born female, that person is experiencing gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria often leads to depression and a sense of feeling like you are in the wrong body, but gender dissonance often leads to people exploring creative ways of self-expression. Many transgender people have gender dysphoria because their bodies do not match the gender identity they feel on the inside and they often feel extreme discomfort over their bodies. Gender dysphoria causes many transgender people to have a shaky sense of mental well-being that leads to depression and may cause them to have unhealthy ways to cope as they try to make their bodies look like the gender identity they want. Transgender people, although they transcend societal expectations of gender with their behavior, they are still limited by society. They want to express themselves as the gender identity they wish to be seen as and find a sense of who they truly are, but they are also constricted by society because people feel the need to belong and be accepted. An individual may believe in themselves, but they also need society to validate their identity so they can feel like they are part of something. People want others to accept them so they feel like there is a person who cares and it’s not only them feeling this way. We want to express our individuality, but we also want to be part of a group so people are often conflicted within themselves. It is especially hard for transgender people because they do not fit societal expectations of gender, but part of social transitioning is allowing others to see you as the opposite gender and hoping others validate you even though you are different.

In general, a transgender person is an individual who feels like their birth sex doesn’t match their gender identity. Gender dysphoria is often a feeling that results from the confusion, pain and sadness a person feels because they are struggling with their gender identity. Gender identity is more of a noun, a sense of how or who a person believes themselves to be: male, female, neither or both. Whereas gender dysphoria is more of an adjective to describe how people feel when they feel like they dislike their gender identity. Gender dissonance is also more of an adjective because it describes people who have gender expressions/ behaviors that are different from societal expectations. The difference between gender dissonance and gender dysphoria is that people who have gender dissonance are comfortable with their bodies, but enjoy expressing gender behaviors different from societal expectations whereas in gender dysphoria, a person feels extreme insecurities about their body and may want to change it because it doesn’t represent their gender identity. Transgender people who seek to change their bodies often experience a more positive mental well-being after medical transitioning. Since most transgender people experience intense gender dysphoria, many find it important to undergo surgery to help them feel like they are truly living. Although, not all transgender people decide to medically transition, many do. For those transgender people who don’t medically transition, they are often more comfortable with their bodies than the transgender people who want to transition. Those transgender people may be content to live their lives expressing the opposite gender without medically transitioning because they feel more of the feelings of gender dissonance. Transgender is an adjective to describe people whose gender identities differ from their birth sex and there are two types of transgender people: transgender male and transgender female. Both transgender males and females have various ranges of discomfort with their bodies, some may experience mild gender dissonance while others may experience intense gender dysphoria. A transgender male is a person who is biologically female, but has a gender identity of male while a transgender female is a person who is biologically male but has a gender identity of female.

Thank you so much Anita for helping me better understand who I am as a person. Talking with you helps me better understand myself. It’s great learning new things and hearing your advice. I think talking with you helps me better understand the framework of my thoughts and also allows me to question the perceptions I have which in turn allows me to break free from the stereotypes of society that limit me as I become more aware in my knowledge and exploration of gender identity. I think the more I delve into myself and talk things over, the more clarity I have about who I am and I realize that I am worth more than the stereotypes of society. I want to be healthy and not try to fit into a box of what society defines to be male or female. It is difficult though because I enjoy being male and I want society to accept me as male so sometimes I have to adopt the behaviors that make me appear more masculine so people will validate me as male. But I do not want to be constrained by the societal stereotypes and try to fit into them so much that I start to lose who I am as a person. Having a sense of belonging and acceptance is important, but also knowing that I shouldn’t sacrifice myself to become a person that I’m not just to fit into societal expectations of masculinity is a relief. It makes me feel like I’m developing my inner strength and although I still hear the inner critic and gender dysphoria, I feel much stronger than I have been in the past few months. I want to live and heal. I may have broken pieces, but that’s what makes life worthwhile. It’s the journey to pick up the broken pieces and work on the puzzle to become whole that allows you to find a sense of self, improve and grow as a person.

Dear Anita

Hope you had a wonderful holiday season and may the new year bring you abundance to fulfill your dreams, courage to shine your rainbow and healing love to brighten the darkness. Thank you for being here for me and for encouraging me to become a better person. I am anxiously awaiting the reviewal of my Rutgers University- School of Engineering application. Although colleges will be on winter break until January 23rd (spring semester starts), the academic admissions offices for colleges will be open tomorrow and I will likely here from Rutgers University- School of Engineering in three to five business days after January 2nd. I am disappointed that I didn’t receive the grade that I wanted in Chemistry II for Fall 2018 semester and I’m still wondering how a D on my transcript will affect my chances of getting into Rutgers. All of my other grades are good, I have 12 As, 3 B+s and Chemistry II is my only D. A D grade is passing, but it will not transfer to Rutgers and I need two semesters of Chemistry for Rutgers University- School of Engineering. I meet all the other requirements for the School of Engineering because my GPA is 3.7 and I have most of the courses required. The only requirement I don’t meet is that there should be no Ds or Fs on the transcript. I am thinking of taking Chemistry II again in the summer to boost my grade, but it’s offered in the 2nd summer five week from 6/26-8/1 and for a successful transfer to a four year university, it’s recommended that students have already completed their courses at their former college before August because enrollment begins in Fall 2019 which is the semester I’m looking to attend a four year university and the month of August is usually the time the admissions offices of colleges are planning for new student orientations for those students who will enroll in the fall so it will look strange if I’m accepted into Rutgers for Fall 2019, but I am still taking classes at Ocean County College and this may delay my enrollment because I still have courses to submit for my transcript. But I don’t want to have a D on my transcript either. I thought about taking Chemistry II in the Spring 2019 semester, but cannot fit it into my already packed schedule. I’m thinking of talking to my college advisors when winter break is over on January 23rd, but I’m anxious about things. The good thing is that I have completed my applications and FAFSA ahead of the deadline dates so it’s less work for me. I am glad that the new year has arrived. I hope to work on healing myself and also increasing my confidence. I want to improve on person-to-person conversations because I find that I tend to be anxious when I’m talking in a in-person conversation with a small group of people. With a small group of people, I feel self-conscious because each person has a good view of the person speaking and there’s a lot of interaction. Strangely, I find that I am better at public speaking with larger groups because then I feel like there isn’t so much scrutiny on me by people because the crowd can cover some of the views of the other people. Although I like having one-on-one discussions with teachers to help me develop a deeper understanding of the material and have a clearer focus, it also makes me self-conscious because all of the attention is on me. In a classroom of students where the teacher can address more students at a time, I feel less self-conscious even though I do learn better through one-person teaching so I often feel conflicted about myself. I think that my self-consciousness comes from me feeling insecure about my appearance. I’m always wondering if the person talking to me thinks I’m stupid or if they see me as the gender I want to be seen as. Sometimes I feel quite introverted because I’m not sure if I know what to say in a situation. People think I’m reserved in person, while I express myself better through writing. I also think that my self-consciousness stems from not being heard at times when I speak my words to others like my parents and it’s a fear of being misunderstood, not believed or ridiculed. Do you have any advice? Thank you so much Anita for your encouragement and I wish you all the best in your life’s endeavors.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Janus.

Dear Anita

I talked with my college advisors Monday and they were very helpful in helping me plan my Spring semester classes so they would fit the transfer requirements. I also discovered that I have most of the requirements for Rutgers University- School of Engineering with my two Calculus classes, two biology classes, one Chemistry class (they told me only one was required for the program which is good because I thought I had to have two) and a physics class which I will take in the Spring semester. So most of my classes work for transferring and I managed to work Chemistry II into my Spring schedule so I can retake it for a better grade. I have sent in my current transcripts for Ocean County College to Rutgers University because I need to send them in so my application will be reviewed. I know that I listed as an additional note on my application that I will be retaking Chemistry II and graduating Spring semester so my transcripts aren’t complete so I want to appeal to the admissions department if the D that I received in Chemistry II in my Fall semester deters my application. I hope for the best and that if my application is deferred because of the D in Fall semester, I can appeal successfully by retaking the course in the Spring semester and submitting my full transcripts for admissions department to consider and hopefully I get admitted that way. My college advisors say that appeals take time and are quite intensive, but it is also a good way to allow the admissions department to know you better. Also it is often better that I get in without having to appeal because appeals can come with conditions. So since I just sent in my undergraduate transcripts for Ocean County College to Rutgers University, I’m still awaiting their reviewal of my application and the transcript. If I’m admitted, I will have to submit my completed transcript, but if my application is deferred because of the D in the Fall semester I have to appeal. Hoping for the best because all my other grades are good, my essay is good and I meet most of the class requirements. The one D does complicate things a bit with my application, but I’m hoping that it will be okay. Thank you for your encouragement and I’m glad to have you in my life. You’re an amazing person who always inspires me to be more positive and gives me courage to shine bright in darkness. May the new year bring you abundance and happiness.

Dear Anita

My Rutgers application is being reviewed currently. I had to email Rutgers Admissions department to tell them that the site (National Student Clearinghouse)I used to deliver my Ocean County College transcripts to Rutgers sent my transcript to Rutgers University- Undergraduate Admissions rather than email to Rutgers transcript department. I am grateful that they were able to get my Ocean County College transcript and now the status of my application says “In process” which means they likely have what’s needed to review the application. My last semester at Ocean County College starts in a week (January 23rd). I have a pretty packed schedule and am a bit nervous about the physics class I will take. I have been reviewing some physics concepts over winter break which has helped me. I also have developed a meditation and yoga routine which helps me feel balanced and focused. I find that meditation reduces my anxiety and helps me have a sense of my inner emotions. Also yoga helps with my flexibility and I find it quite enjoyable. Both meditation and yoga help relieve tension and I’m hoping that the routine that I build during winter break will carry on to help me reduce stress when classes start. I also have been doing lots of cleaning and reducing clutter in my room. I write my items on a list and I go through the list crossing things out that I don’t need and then throwing them out. I feel quite productive these days. Also I have been taking time for myself and working on letting go of people who don’t benefit me. It is a great feeling like releasing a burden by cutting the cords that tie you down to someone or something that doesn’t benefit you. I imagine the person or thing that has been taking too much of my life and I imagine me holding a scissor and cutting the cord that ties me to them. I allow myself to experience the hurt they caused and I tell myself that I am okay. I am not what others define me as, I am who I create myself to be. Then I imagine all the hurts on sheets of paper and I light a match and burn them and I think “Out of the ashes of the hurt, I arise into a better stronger person. I forgive myself and set myself free from the hurt. I am healing.” I know that it’s not easy to let go of others’ criticism and that I may slip at times, but I’ll be okay. Some days if I just have to hold things together or it’s hard to let go of something you’ve held for so long, it doesn’t mean that you have failed or are a bad person. It means that you were protecting yourself by building the layers to cope with the world. People build layers to protect themselves from the world, but their core self is still beneath the surface. Like an onion that has to protect the delicate skin underneath, people put layers on to protect themselves and sometimes when we start to remove the layers, we cry and that’s okay. I am thanking the layers of myself that I built to protect me. Even though not all of them were healthy, I tell them “I understand why you tried to help. I forgive you and I set myself free. The time has come to let go.” I am doing this with the anorexic layer I built to make myself look more masculine. I tell the layer ” I’m understand that you had to be here to help me understand that I’m more than the stereotypes of society. I understand why you (anorexia) started as a way to find a sense of self. I accept the lessons that I have taught me and I let you go. Thank you for teaching me about myself. I am healing now and you can go. I let you go because I want to be healthy. I know that it’s hard and that you still want to be a layer to protect me from society expectations, but sometimes losing layers helps you build yourself up. I am a garden, not perfect, growing weeds and flowers and sometimes the weeds I uproot leave holes and the layers protect me from myself but with the layers I can’t grow flowers in the spaces. So I release you, anorexia and in the space where there is a void is not loss of protection, but a place for me to nurture myself, grow flowers, cultivate the garden of my mind and heal.” I don’t see a perfect person, I see a flawed person worth loving and sometimes people have to break through the walls of layers so the light can shine in. People have broken pieces and holes that seem dark, but it is in those cracks or holes that light can come in. I am working on removing the layers, working through my emotions and discovering the light through the cracks in me and I am healing and mending the pieces into a better person. Sometimes people have to break to build themselves into the picture of who they really are. By picking up the pieces and seeing the reflection, people start to realize that life is a puzzle and although putting the pieces together may be difficult, the journey is worthwhile. Like glowsticks, people may break before they shine and broken pieces allow you to delve deeper into yourself and understand who you are and build yourself into a better person. People may put layers on themselves and they may break, but it is in those broken pieces that they see the reflection of a flawed self that is worth loving. The flaws that you have make you a unique person and can help you create the maps of your life so you can decide what road to travel on. I am no longer the person who tries to fit into societal expectations while I lose myself because I realize that the person I am is worth more than the stereotypes. I tried to put layers on and fit myself into a role but I didn’t truly fit so I became callused and bruised. The layers may protect, but they can also constrict me of painting my diversity on the canvas. I am not a blank canvas, but a person who has layers of many colors working on finding my true self. Some of the  colors resonate with me while others make me question the art I put out to the world. I am an artist, working on removing the layers of expectations, discovering my true colors and creating the person I want to be on the canvas.