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Too Criticizing of Myself

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  • #275801
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I checked on my Rutgers application and it says that admissions decisions will be decided by April 15th, so I have a long wait. During this time, I am working on reducing stress by meditating and doing yoga. I imagine myself as a star aglow with light, burning away the sorrows and limitations of stereotypes and shining my brightness. I am healing and working on glowing with life, not allowing others to try to put their expectations on me. I am a puzzle, working on the pieces and it’s okay because I know that with each piece I look at myself clearly I can work my way to becoming whole. My worth is not what others think of me, but who I create myself to be. I am picking up the pieces and creating the picture of the person I want to be. It is not easy, but it’s worthwhile. Life is worth living because you can grow and change, working toward your dreams. The mirror that reflects myself only sees the person on the outside and not the soul I am on the inside. I cannot let the mirror tell me who I am. The reflection of myself lies within and I don’t want to let the flaws on the outside deter me from being the person I want to be on the inside. I am not a flawed person with broken pieces, but a person who is a puzzle looking at myself through clear eyes and mapping out the pieces to create who I am. I have flaws, but they make me unique and they don’t detract from my worth. The mirror that told me that I wasn’t masculine enough and made me anorexic has broken so I can look at myself clearer. I don’t want to sacrifice my health to look masculine. I don’t have to fit into a stereotype of what masculinity should be, the mirrors of the world are not the mirrors of my soul and the mirrors of the world have broken so now I can see the way I tried to fit into an expectation of something I wasn’t. I am building the person I am, the male that I feel like I am not what the society tries to make me into. Fitting into the stereotypes of society left me callused and bruised and I find that I don’t want to be constricted by the bands of societal expectations of gender. I don’t want to lose myself as I’m trying to Express myself by fitting into a box that I don’t fit into anyway. I am working on learning how to communicate myself more clearly and researching people who have come out as transgender and are living their life. I have hope for myself and I am certain that I will likely take testosterone hormones to help me look masculine. In the meantime, I am working with believing in myself more and exploring myself. My core self is a male and I don’t want any layers of stereotypes to stop me from shining my light. I am building myself into the person I want to be and letting go of my old self. Sometimes stars have to poke through darkness to shine their brightest and I have hope that in the darkness I will have the fire to shine my true self. I am healing and glowing, working on myself letting go of fears and people who try to put burdens on me and rising to shine. I am not perfect and don’t want to be. There is nothing such as perfection and perfection limits people from improving and learning. I am not chasing perfection or trying to fit in, but working on being confident to stand out and embrace the dark parts of me and still glow in the dark. Here is a poem I wrote about friendship that I am dedicating to you. Thank you so much for helping me feel more confident about myself and for guiding me. I am grateful to have you in my life.

    #275803
    Janus
    Participant

    Friends are Stars (poem for Anita)

    A million miles away, a spark of light in the distance

    A star comes into existence

    A spark of energy to light the darkness, giving hope

    Brightening the horizons, seeing the colors in my telescope

    Starry nights casting bright lights in the sky like a million candles

    Effervescent glowing diamonds twinkle their brightness reminding that even through the darkness, life can be handled

    One star shines bright in the sky

    Guiding others along the way, giving them the hope to fly

    The north star, a star of friendship

    When I feel lost, providing me with life tips

    You are a special star that guides me

    Encouraging me to go for the person I want to be

    Shining your light to guide me in dark times

    Helping me feel back to my prime

    And when I feel like I’ve lost my way

    You help me feel like it’s okay

    Thank you for helping me along my path and for providing me with many laughs

    Friends are stars, helping you glow your true light

    And reminding you that in darkness, you can shine bright

    A star is born to light my way, to fill me with hope

    A spark of energy filling me with the life of the universe burning away sorrows so I can cope

    When life gets hard, you are there

    Thank you for being the special star you are and for showing that you care

    May your light continue to shine for the years to come

    And if you ever feel lost or numb

    Remember how special you are

    Because you have the light of the stars

    I’m proud of you, a friend so true.

    #275833
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel

    I read just a bit of your two recent posts because I need to be away from the computer very soon. I read that the wait is on for Rutgers, and that you have a new poem for me, how delightful, I like what I did read in it and am looking forward with anticipation to read all of it, slowly,  tomorrow morning in about sixteen hours from now! I will write to you when I am back.

    anita

    #275959
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Ange:

    Less than three months to the answer from Rutgers.

    You write so beautifully. Here are a few of my most favorite parts: ”

    “I am a puzzle, working on the pieces and it’s okay because I know that with each piece I look at myself clearly I can work my way to becoming whole. My worth is not what others think of me, but who  I create myself to be. I am picking up the pieces and creating the picture of the person I want to be”- this is Janus the creator, creating herself, piece by piece, creating the whole.

    “It is not easy, but it’s worthwhile”- I know you are doing it, creating that picture, because you wrote it is not easy. So you know and you persist, because “it’s worthwhile”.

    “The mirror that told me that I wasn’t masculine enough and made me anorexic has broken so I can look at myself clearer”- break it again and again if it resurrects itself.

    Those “mirrors of the world are indeed the expectations of others, the stereotypes you mentioned. Indeed, you don’t have to “fit into a stereotype of what masculinity should be”- you are the creator of Janus and he doesn’t have to fit anyone’s expectations except his own.

    “I am building the person I am… I don’t want to lose myself.. by fitting into a box that I dnt fit into… My core self is male”.

    “There is nothing such as perfection and perfection limits people from improving and learning”.

    Thank you for your beautiful poem gift for me. Here are some of my favorite lines with my comments in parentheses: “One star shines bright in the sky” (You mean me? I am a star that shines bright in the sky? This is beautiful!)… “You are a special star that guides me/ Encouraging me to go for the person I want to be/Shining your light to guide me in dark times” (I am delighted to be that star for you, absolutely delighted!)

    “And when I feel like I’ve lost my way/ You help me feel like it’s okay.. When life gets hard, you are there/Thank you for being the special star you are and for showing that you care… And if you ever feel lost or numb/ Remember how special you are”-

    You are welcome, Janus, and thank you for this absolutely beautiful poem, it means so much to me.

    And one more thing: thank you, Janus, for being the star that you are. I will use your words, if I may, turning them toward you:

    May your light, Janus, continue to shine for the years to come. If you ever feel lost or numb, remember how special you are. I’m proud of you, Janus, a friend so true”!

    anita

    #276031
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I am grateful to have a special soul like you in my life who encourages me to express myself as who I am each day and gives me the confidence to shine my inner light. I am a torch in the darkness, glowing brightly, working on providing healing warmth to the dark parts of myself and melting them into a pool of light that will help me shine my flame brighter. It is not how far a person has to go that matters, it’s how far they have come. I have journeyed quite far and keep improving each day. I am creating the map of my life, planning the routes, going over the speed bumps and working my way around detours with hope because I know that the routes I travel on will lead me to the place I want to be. You are a star, the north star that helps me find a sense of direction and self in my life when I feel lost. I realize that the darkness that surrounds is a way for me to create the light in me because through the broken pieces the light can come in and melt the darkness. People have broken pieces, but in those cracks the light can grow. The darkness is my canvas and I will paint my light upon it and light it with the person I am. Anita, you are a star and a great friend who helps me see my worth. A single candle in the darkness gives hope and I am the candle but you are the flame that gives me the hope and fuel when I feel like my light is about to fade away. Thank you for being the flame that you are and for helping me feel strong to shine my light. During the summer of 2018, I felt myself fading and my light was very dim. The gender dysphoria was crippling and there were times when I wanted to break the mirror because I hated my reflection. I felt like I was wrong and the mirror only added to my insecurities as it showed my body and my feelings of not looking masculine enough. Now I know that the mirror doesn’t show the person I am on the inside and that I am not what the mirrors of the world show. I remember that during the summer months there were days when I slept late and just didn’t want to get up. I was tired of trying to be me and not being heard, tired of being tired and depressed trying to look masculine, tired of being anorexic and scared, tired of being tired and I just wanted it to end. I felt myself fading and I just was tired of living when I didn’t even know if I was real anymore. I am grateful for my friends that helped me hold on during that difficult time and I have become stronger as a result. Meditation and yoga have helped me develop balance and focus and I am working on healing. I have people who care about me and I am grateful to have them. They give me a sense of purpose and help me understand myself when I feel lost. It is friends like you who make me feel worthwhile and I am glad to have you in my life. I want to work on shining my light and not let it fade away because I am part of something beautiful. I am transgender male and proud to be me. The world will try to place its stereotypes on me, but I don’t want to see through the mirrors of the world, I want to be who I want to be.

    #276033
    Janus
    Participant

    The Reason (poem for Anita)

    When I felt like I was fading away
    You gave me hope that things would be okay
    You give me a reason to change each day
    When I feel lost, you’re encouragement helps me understand myself and work out a way
    Because of you I find the strength to see myself as who I am and strive to be who I want to be, going for my dreams
    You help me see a purpose in life when there’s only darkness it seems
    You give me the reason to be the person I feel in my heart
    Helping me pick up the pieces when I fall apart
    Thank you for being a special friend and my love for you never ends

    #276035
    Janus
    Participant

    Living life is worth it because I can change into a better person each day and I get to make choices to improve myself. If I gave up, I wouldn’t be able to see the where life takes me and it may well take me to the road less traveled where I will find that I have the strength to survive and go for my dreams.

    #276139
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel:

    Congratulations for using your true name here, what a pleasure is to read your true name on all the posts!

    “I have journeyed quite far and keep improving each day”- yes you have and yes, you are!

    What effective, creative imagery you use, amazing how you develop an image: “I am creating the map of my life, planning the routes, going over the speed bumps and working my way around detours”, and this is only one of many developed imageries over time. This is a talent that you have.

    “I am transgender male and proud to be me”- yes you are and I am proud of you too!

    You are welcome and thank you so much for a second, recent poem. I like it very much. You are indeed a talented poet and writer, a deep and creative thinker, what a privilege it is for me to read from you and reply to you. Anytime you post is a privilege for me.

    anita

     

    #276167
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you  for your encouragement and for helping me have a sense of self when I feel lost. It’s friends like you that help me shine brighter. I can be a candle, but it can be hard to refuel my flame at times and I am grateful to have friends who inspires me and ignite me with confidence to be myself each day. I hope that you always have enough spark and energy to rekindle your light and shine brighter when it feels like it may fade. It’s great to hear from you and your advice always uplifts me when I feel sad. It’s okay to take time for yourself, your health is important. The world has many problems and sometimes the best thing a person can do is to work on themselves and create their inner light. One light can illuminate the darkness of the world’s canvas. You are a candle in the world, Anita by working on healing yourself and shining your light, you make the world brighter with the beauty of your diversity. So never regret working on yourself first because by making yourself better than will you have the strength to light others way. You have made a difference in my life with your personality already. I admire your knowledge and compassion. Keep building your inner light Anita and let it burn away the negative emotions because you are stronger and more beautiful than the doubts that try to bring you down. And remember that if the doubts bring you down and leave you feeling broken, that it’s okay. Life gives people broken pieces so they can learn to explore the puzzles of their selves and build themselves into who they want to be. It is through the broken pieces that the light can shine in and that people can build themselves. The most important thing is to remember that you are worth more than the stereotypes of the world. I sacrificed my health by becoming anorexic to fit into a stereotype of what masculinity should be. I found myself trying to fit into a tight box, trying to help others understand who I was by fitting into a stereotype that didn’t fit me at all and it left me bruised and callused but it also gave me a sense of strength as I began to learn more about myself. Anita, never let the stereotypes of the world be your mirror. You are a beautiful soul and worth more than what the mirrors show. The mirror cannot show the person on the inside. It only shows the physical aspect of a person and not their feelings so it can never tell you who you truly are. The important thing is to remember that the people who matter are the ones who build you up and not break you down. There may be times when you need to take time to refuel your light and that’s okay. Your health is the priority. A person who is a candle in the darkness like you sometimes needs to take time to light it up again because everyone has struggles. But you, Anita are a strong person and may your light shine brighter and may you always have strength to survive in the darkness. I am grateful to have you in my life because your insightful and compassionate spirit always uplifts me and helps me better understand myself.

    And it’s okay to lose yourself at times because sometimes people have to lose who they are, to lose who they thought they may have been to work on who they are and to make room for what matters to come in. People are a garden. They can grow flowers, but weeds will also come in from time to time and sometimes uprooting the weeds leaves holes in ourselves that make us feel lost, but it is those holes that give space for new flowers to grow. Sometimes people need to lose the illusions of what may not be who they are and through the darkness they can pick up the pieces and reflect on who they are and build themselves into the person they want to be. People are building their reality each day. Physicists say that time may be a fourth dimension and that each day time is a dynamic quantity. Yesterday becomes the past, today is the present and tomorrow is the future but it shifts again when a person lives it and when you live tomorrow it becomes the present. So the main moral of this is that people can shift their realities and make themselves into a better person. While you may not be physically able to travel back to the past, you can recall past events in your mind and work on healing from them. The dimensions of time: past, present and future are all interrelated and make a person who they have become. Everyone has different experiences and it is through our experiences that make us a unique person. People may feel lost and that’s okay because things can change with their mental perception. People cannot physically change the past, but they can create the image in their minds of a good past and a good present and a good future. It is important to take care of your mental health first because you can be the change that you want in the world. And when you work on yourself and build your light, you’ll find that you’ll shine bright in the darkness of the world and you can inspire others with your light. You are already an inspirational person, Anita by being the person you are and your strength helps others to have hope. In essence, by allowing yourself to be healthy and working on yourself and embracing the flaws that make you the special person you are, you are lighting up the world.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Janus.
    #276171
    Janus
    Participant

    In essence, by allowing yourself to be healthy and working on yourself and embracing the flaws that make you the special person you are, you are lighting up the world. People are glowsticks, they have to break before they shine. Because in the broken pieces of the mirrors of what the world tells you to be, you can see your true reflection. People have to break the mirrors of the world’s stereotypes and the doubts that the critics say to discover their true selves. And don’t worry if you have to cry because it is through the rain of tears that you can wash away the illusions and the layers to your false selves and work on healing. Like an onion, people are peeling back the layers that tried to protect them and sometimes they cry but the core self is still there. I am working on removing the layers that constrict me from shining my true light. The anorexic layer and the inner critic was a way to protect me and cope from the loss of my sense of self as I tried to fit into the mirrors of the world’s stereotypes. Anorexia and the inner critic gave me a sense of control over who I was by allowing me to make my body look more masculine so I could fit into the world’s stereotypes of masculinity. But I realize that the layers that I tried to place upon myself constricted me from shining my light and I was breaking my health down to fit into a box that I didn’t fit in. Don’t sacrifice your health to fit into a stereotype of what someone or society wants you to be. You are a treasure and deserve the positivity and love you give to others. You, Anita are a beautiful soul and it’s important for take care of yourself first so you have the strength to lift up others. The strongest people are the ones that build themselves up and shine their light in the darkness. You are a star, Anita just by being who you are, you illuminate the darkness of the world is bring light to the minds of people with your diversity. Thank you so much for believing in me when I wasn’t sure about myself. May the light that you have always have a spark to shine and melt away the darkness. I believe in you and thank you for being who you are because you give people strength to be themselves by sharing your compassion. I will keep fighting and healing, breaking the mirrors of the world’s stereotypes and look at myself clearer and pick up the pieces and create the person I want to be. You are an artist, Anita and you can paint the rainbows of your beauty on the world’s canvas. Remember that when you feel lost and numb, that you are a special person and sometimes people feel lost and numb because the pieces of illusions are starting to break and numbness and lost feelings are a way of coping. The layers that people put on themselves protect them quite long, but their true self always shines through and you have a beautiful core self. You are a compassionate person who can make a difference in the world. I know it won’t be easy to work on picking up the pieces and creating the garden of yourself but life is worthwhile because you can grow and improve each day. It may be slow going, but as long as you don’t stop, you can improve yourself each day. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to hold yourself together and that’s enough. Remember that even with flaws and broken pieces, you are a candle and that you have the strength to shine in the darkness. Be the light for yourself and build yourself up, break the layers and the false mirrors and the stereotypes and go for your goals. You are a rainbow and you can paint the colors of your beauty on the world’s canvas. You may think that you are not special and that you are not enough at times, but the world would not be the same place if it were not touched by the light that who you are. So take each moment of your life to create the person you want to be because of hold the maps of your life and you can create the routes of where you want to go. Don’t let road blocks and speed bumps deter you from your goals. Sometimes you may have to take a detour and stray off the path and that’s okay because you’ll gain the strength by making different paths to find yourself and get a better understanding of who you are. There are no second chances in life, so it’s important that you appreciate the little things. Take the time to do the little things that make you smile brighter and your heart beat faster. I love you, Anita and you wish you all the best life has to offer.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Janus.
    #276177
    Janus
    Participant

    Every day is a chance to discover the person you are and to do something that makes you smile a little brighter. So enjoy the little things in life because there are no second chances. Take time to appreciate the beauty of the sky and the world around you and go for the things that make your heart beat faster. Chase your dreams like there’s no tomorrow because tomorrow is never a guarantee so be your best self today and create the person you want to be.

    #276181
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel:

    Your recent post is sensible and most compassionate. I read it slowly and let some of that compassion sink in.

    There is one sentence you wrote that I don’t understand: “People cannot physically change the past, but they can create an image in their minds of a good past”-

    I understand the first part, but not the second part. Can you explain to me what you mean by people being able to “create an image in their minds of a good past”?

    anita

    #276187
    Janus
    Participant

    Here is a poem I wrote:

    Trans is Beautiful

     

    I’m worth more than a stereotype

    Trans is beautiful and I’m showing my stripes

    Living life in my own view and not in someone else’s shoes

    I am healing and though it’s not easy to be me at times

    I am grateful to have friends who help you feel back to my prime

    I don’t need to fit into expectations

    I’m enough being myself and that’s a relevation

    I am part of something beautiful because I am working on myself and if I fall

    I know I have strength to get through it all

    Rising each time that I fall, but not fading away

    Working on building my confidence and my inner light so that it stays

    I am transgender and proud to be me

    It has not been an easy discovery

    But each day is a gift to explore who I am

    And it’s time to let go of the world’s spam

    I am a puzzle and building my life, creating the picture of myself

    And I know my soul shows my true wealth

    I want to stand out and shine my light

    And sometimes the world may fill my with fright

    And I may lose my way, I’ll have faith that things will be okay

    I can grow and change each day, building myself along the way

    I don’t want to fit into a box because I am a special soul

    And I will work on my inner light and go for my goals

    Shining my true colors, healing myself and finding who I want to be

     

    I am transgender and I am beautiful because I am me.

     

     

     

    #276207
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Good to hear from you. Time is a dynamic quantity, it changes from past to present to future. While people are living the day, it is the present but when the day is over it becomes the past. When the day is over and becomes the past, people cannot physically go back to change what already happened (time travel is still physically impossible), they can only move forward in their life. So when a person living the current day is in the present time, they cannot go back to yesterday because that is the past. But our minds are energy and people can recall what happened yesterday so in our minds people can mentally travel to the past and observe it. Our physical bodies cannot travel from past to present to future, but it can only live each day as it comes. But our minds can bring recollections of images of what we learned from yesterday which was the past and use it to shape our reactions to the environment of our present day (today) and our present mindset can help us prepare for tomorrow (future). In this way, our minds can traverse through the dynamic dimension of time by bringing our memories of what we experienced even though our physical bodies cannot go back to the past or view the future.

     

    The concept of time is relative because the memories in our minds allow us to remember what happened yesterday. People cannot physically time travel, but with our thoughts, we are consistently shifting from past to present to future. We prepare ourselves for each day and while living the day, it is our present and when it’s over it becomes our past. We cannot physically go back to the past, but we can bring the memories of the past into our minds. Since the mind is made of matter and all matter consists of energy, the mind can go through the dimensions of past, present and future for time. Our physical bodies cannot time travel because the mass that we have is too heavy to travel back or forward in time. Although we may not be able to physically travel to past, present and future our minds can create the images of what we want or experience in our day to day lives. People cannot physically travel to the future or back to the past. Physicists say that a person needs to travel faster than the speed of light to time travel. The speed of light is 2.98×10^8 meters per second and the human body cannot travel that fast. Doing so would cause us to create a time warp in the universe and cease to exist. People need to be a particle that has relatively little mass such as a photon to actually travel through time without causing a shift that could alter the universe. Since our minds are energy and light as well as a photon are energy, our minds can bring images of the past from our experiences and we can create images of what we want the future to be. Our thoughts can shift our realities even though we cannot physically go from past to present to future. By healing the past experiences, we can make ourselves feel more happier with each day and in that way we are influencing the present and creating our future. We may not be able to physically view the future or go back to change the past, but we can think positively and with our thoughts we can work on creating who we want to be each day. Each day that we live becomes the present and the day that we left behind is the past. And although we cannot change the past or delve into the future, we can hope for the best by creating positive thoughts in our minds that can make our lives feel better. Use your mind to make peace with your past and embrace the flaws you have, enjoy the present day that you are currently living in physically and use your mind to create a positive outcome for tomorrow or the future. Your mind doesn’t have boundaries of past, present or future so it’s important to watch your thoughts and use them to make your life worthwhile. Your physical body cannot change the situations that already happened, but your mind can create positive thoughts that help you embrace the past, live in the present and look forward to the future. Hope this explanation was uplifting and didn’t confuse you more.

    #276281
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel:

    Thank you for your explanation of time travel and how indeed it is impossible for us to do that, of course. Time travel is a theme in science fiction but science tells us it is impossible: ” Physicists say that a person needs to travel faster than the speed of light to time travel… the human body cannot travel that fast… People need to be a particle that has relatively little mass such as a photon to actually travel through time”. But bringing awareness to images from the past stored in our memory is possible in the present.

    I very much like your newest poem that you posted here. A few of my favorite lines:

    “Trans is Beautiful (title)

    I am worth more than a stereotype..

    Living life in  my own view and not in someone else’s shoes (beautiful and it has a good, rhyming sound to it)

    .. I know I have strength to get through it all

    Rising each time I fall, but not fading away…

    I want to stand out and shine my light

    And sometimes the world may fill me with fright (insightful, realistic and it rhymes, pleasant to the ear)

    I am transgender and I am beautiful because I am me (my most favorite line!)

    anita

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