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  • #409798
    anita
    Participant

    I am looking forward to reading through this, I read a bit but I want to read more thoroughly in the morning, when I am more focused. Thank you, Janus.

    anita

    #409819
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus: I wasn’t able to look through the link this morning, couldn’t scroll down the page, but that’s okay. Last evening I handed T’s father the list of the 4 resources you suggested.

    anita

    #409825
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    The last post , November 8th  was a link to the pdf of Kate Bornstein’s My  Gender Workbook.

    I’m glad that the call him hunter link has a photo of Hunter that resembles T, that’s so cool 😎

    Some things I learned along the way of my gender identity transition (advice for T):

    -it’s okay to feel anxiety when starting out and feel confused when transitioning. there’s no set time frame for you to do things, listen to your feelings and do what makes you comfortable. you might feel a bit unsure about pronouns and during social transitioning when you first start out and that’s okay, you’re valid and special.

    -there is no age limit that a person can identity as transgender. most children develop a sense of gender identity at age 5. although if children are under 18, sometimes medical doctors recommend puberty blockers if the child is certain that they are transgender because puberty blockers can be stopped if the child feels uncertain about their transition and side effects aren’t lasting.

    -some people have access to more resources growing up so they will learn about gender identity at early ages then others. so if you don’t know much about transgender people it’s okay to take time and look for resources to build your knowledge.

    -a therapist is very helpful when struggling with gender dysphoria or feelings of anxiety. therapy can significantly improve mental health and reduce risk of suicides and long-term health risks like depression and trauma.

    -many transgender people experience body discomfort when they reach their teens and hit puberty. During this time gender dysphoria can be prominent. I think that this is the time that most trans people experience the most anxiety.

    -don’t let your anxieties and gender dysphoria lead you to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms. transgender people tend to have increased risks of substance abuse and eating disorders. Support groups are very helpful and talking with trusted friends, watching youtube videos can help.

    -remember to take care of yourself, do things you enjoy, go out in nature, explore career paths.

     

    -some resources provide free legal services for transgender people to receive pro bono so they get free court sessions to legally change their names. lambalegal is a very helpful source.

    -even if you’re struggling with your body, that’s okay. dress as what makes you feel comfortable, think about fun things you can do like yoga to move your body around. even if you feel dissonance (not fully connected with your body) that’s okay. oftentimes the gender of makes transgender people feel like they’re not really in their bodies, your feelings are valid. it’s hard sometimes.

    -and always remember that you are loved and supported. you aren’t alone and people care about you. you don’t have to know all the answers or fully have everything figured out, take it at a pace that feels right for you.

    -you are worth more than your gender dysphoria. transgender people have varying intensity of gender dysphoria and some have worse than others. remember that you’re valid, reach out for support when you need to and think about some of the things you have done that you are proud of and this can help.

    -making a list of your accomplishments is helpful for when you feel upset and you can collect a list and use it to describe yourself later when you apply for job applications 😉

     

     

    Anita you asked about why I didn’t really mention gender dysphoria in my early years writing this blog… I didn’t really have access to many resources growing up so I didn’t really know about gender identity and gender expression. But as I got into high school I had more freedom to explore my gender identity with lgbtq groups. Asian societies don’t really talk about mental health much and the lgbtq center in Beijing wad created in 1990s so it’s still relatively recent. I realized I was transgender when I met my trans friend Atticus (he/they) in community college. He helped me find resources and introduced me to transgender people. When I began to socially transition and where more masculine clothing and keeping my hair short, I discovered that I felt happier like I’d discovered something missing in my life.

     

    Transgender people are starting to receive recognition in society and more youtube videos have been posted on transgender rights and transgender people sharing their experiences. I feel like most people realize that their gender dysphoria or have anxiety about their bodies in their teens and as they gather more resources they begin to understand themselves better. Not everyone has knowledge of the resources for transgender people but things are changing and people are becoming more aware of them.

    Some resources are

    Pflag (might allow transgender to see support groups in their area)

    At the broken pieces (story about a mother and her trans son who work on building love and acceptance)

    Glaad

    Lamda legal

    Kate Bornstein My gender workbook which has free pdf available downloads

    Lamdalegal for trans legal rights

    Pointofpride which provides binders for transmales applications are good for 2yrs

    Gc2b, underworks have binders that are good quality

    Trans bodies, trans selves

    Dara Hoffman-fox gender therapist youtube videos

    Jamidodger transguy youtube videos

     

     

    Hope this helps 🙏

     

     

     

     

    #409826
    Janus
    Participant
    #409828
    Janus
    Participant

    I loved this book, it was inspiring and moving

    At the Broken Places: A Mother and Trans Son Pick Up the Pieces

     

    Book by Donald Collins and Mary Collins

     

     

    #409829
    Janus
    Participant

    Dysphoric and Proud (a beautiful transgender video)

    #409833
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus:

    The link is working, I’ll fill it in myself, at least partly. 1st page: my name is anita, and this is MY new gender workbook. 2nd page: This page intentionally left blank… 7th page: This page intentionally left blank… 9th page: “Most everyone goes through their life without paying much attention to their gender(s). Yes, you have more than one of them. Everyone does. This chapter is filled with drills…”. Page 10: “Gender as man-and-woman- only and sexuality as homo-and-hetero-only are so last century..”… Page 23: “This is a practical quiz that will hopefully help you find out more about yourself. There are no right or wrong answers. Just take your time and check off the answers that most nearly match the way you feel about each question. When you’re done, you’ll know your GA—your Gender Aptitude… QUIZ: Your Gender Aptitude Section I: Assumptions Which of the following most accurately describes something that you assume is true about yourself? A. I’m a real man. B. I’m a real woman. C. I’m not a real man or a real woman, but I’d like to be. D. None of the above. I’m something else entirely.   (anita selects D although I wouldn’t say “entirely”)…Give yourself 5 points if you checked A, 3 points if your checked B, 1 point for C, and no points for D. Write your score for this section here: (0 points for me).

    Section II: PERCEPTIONS 1. Do you stand up to pee? A. Yup, most of the time. B. No, never. C. Well, I’ve tried it a few times. D. It all depends on the effect I want to create. <b>(anita refuses to answer, and abandons the quiz).</b>

    I just received your long reply, thank you for your way of explaining things (way  better than the author of the workbook above, if I may say so). If T’s father will express interest, I will be glad to copy your information and suggestions for him, or otherwise incorporate the information and suggestions when I talk with him. I also read your answer to my question, thank you!

    anita

    #409847
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Sending you hugs. Hope T and their father find some good resources to help.

    I feel like for the Gender Aptitude Test, I feel like option D. I have been enjoying what makes me happy, hiking out in nature. Learning life skills like cooking and car repairs. I feel like life skills like these shouldn’t have gender attached to them because they’re important for all to learn. I feel like I lean more toward the masculine side though. I feel comfortable dressing as a guy- short hair, darker, plain clothing, suits and ties. I loved the lgbtq community at my community college and the transcendence transgender group at stockton university. I feel like I’ve been presenting as a guy in my college years and been much happier. I struggled with myself and societal expectations of gender when first starting out but with therapy and taking time to rest in nature and meditation has helped me grow more in tune with myself. I feel more confident in my gender expression. I’m not trying to be strong and muscular like a stereotypical guy, I’m taking care of my health, working with a nutritionist and getting fit with yoga. I feel like when first starting out, transgender people try so hard to be a certain way because society tends to put lots of pressure on gender stereotypes. So it’s important to take care of yourself (advice for T) and not try to fit into a box. Men can cry, it’s healthy to express emotions. And they don’t have to be strong, and muscular they just need to be healthy. And remember that they are valid how they feel. It takes time to grow and learn how to express yourself (advice for T) and it’s okay to struggle at times. Take it a step at a time, be kind to yourself and remember that you’re loved and supported. Listen to your heart and do what makes you feel happy

    #409848
    Janus
    Participant

    This is a great gender aptitude test and I like it better than kate bornstein’s book. I took the test and got between undifferentiated and masculine.

    Here’s the test:

    https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/OSRI

    #409863
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus: Hugs back to you! I will read and reply tomorrow morning.

    anita

    #409876
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus:

    I took the test (it reads professional in comparison to the quiz I partly took yesterday) and I am excited to say that the result is: Undifferentiated (with a bit more feminine than masculine). UNDIFFERENTIATED reads good to me! But coming to think about it, my lack of interest in repairing machines (an item in the test, and stereotypically a masculine trait) has been about my attention-deficit and learned-helplessness (not bothering doing something because I believed that I will not be good at it), rather than about femininity, just as my lack of interest in baking cookies (another item in the test, and stereotypically a feminine trait) has been about the same (attention-deficit and learned-helplessness) and not about masculinity.

    It’s good to read about the huge progress you have made, Janus and I so wish for T to read your post before last because it is short enough (in case she has attention-deficit) and it is very optimistic and can encourage her to feel hopeful about herself and her future! What gender identity all comes down to is to no longer think stereotypically, that is, in the extremes of Feminine vs Masculinity (the binary view). Every one of us is a combination of the two and should feel free to express both instead of feeling confined to one or the other and feeling distressed about not fitting into the stereotypes.

    anita

    #410104
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I feel like I enjoy the model sets that children get like legos or building blocks. I enjoyed building towers and making fun cubes out of the small connection cubes. I feel you on that one when you talk about disassembling machines and repairing them, sometimes it’s hard to keep focused to put the parts back together. I enjoy taking apart toy cars and putting them back together but most of them were snap-on parts that were easy to assemble. I often got tired or frustrated if I couldn’t reassemble a machine that was complex back together after taking it apart. I feel like taking apart machines question is a bit vague because many people take apart things that can be considered machines regardless of gender. I have watched children take apart toy trucks that had snap-on pieces and put them back together or build things out of legos. I think maybe the question would be better worded “i enjoy taking apart machines from major appliances and technology pieces.”  That way it’s more specific. I feel like taking apart technology or appliance machines including cars and washing machines can be quite complex. I sometimes tend to get distracted because I can’t sit still for a long time trying to figure out how the appliances connect together. But I love being creative, and building things like crafting things with legos and putting pieces together to make fun car toys. Also, before the 1900s biological men tended to dominate the social sphere so men were professional bakers. I think in the 1920s there were new waves in the women’s movement and they began to start taking roles like baking on tv. Now it seems like baking and cooking is a typical 19th century women’s work. But I feel like cooking, being able to repair things, save money, work at a job making income are basic life skills that shouldn’t have gender attached to them. I think that gender is a spectrum and society tries to dictate what’s right for how people are born. But society tends to change with time because back then, pink was a darker color and used for men while blue was lighter color like the sky used for women and now it’s different. I feel like gender doesn’t have defined boundaries like society makes it into male and female but there’s other identities in between. There’s a spiritual belief that the soul has no gender and there’s a balance of the divine masculine and feminine in all of us. The divine masculine is powerful, will, control, action, logic, judging and the divine feminine is creative, nurturing, intuitive, empathetic, meditative. Both work together to create balance and make decisions and some people might have more masculine sides while some might have more feminine sides.

    I feel like transgender people are people who transcend the binary stereotypes of society and they seek out their own identity and self-expression that makes them happy. There’s no right way to be trans, and exploring what makes a person happy is what’s important. I feel like the main question people wonder sometimes is how they know they’re trans. I feel like if the person is struggling with their gender identity to take time and reflect on themselves and do what they enjoy. Try new ways of expressing themselves like different styles of clothing or hair styles and find other people who have similar struggles. I feel that a person who identifies as trans will know if it feels right when they express themselves as the gender opposite of their biological sex. I think I fully realized that I was transgender when I read on the resources in college and took some time to reflect on myself. I had lgbtq support groups where I could express myself enjoying painting and other crafts in a relaxing environment. I realized that I really felt like I had discovered something amazing and felt happier being a guy. That’s when I realized that I was trans because I could see myself living as a guy and feeling happy. I feel like transgender people get quite caught up in trying to be one way or another because they want to be acknowledged as valid. The important thing is to strike a balance, do what makes the person happy and work on creating awareness in society about the person. The person might decide to use different pronouns like he/they for transmales or she/they for transfemales and see how it makes them feel. Also, starbucks and some places have people put their name along with their orders so the person might try a name they’ve been considering and see how it sounds when it’s being called out. It’s okay to feel unsure about things and question things as people learn things at different times and they grow at different paces. What’s important is for the person to trust their feelings, seek out resources and be kind to themselves as they work along things. Also, sometimes gender dysphoria can be intense for transgender people and there might be times when it seems overwhelming and the person might feel like they’re losing themselves and that’s okay. Don’t fight the feelings, breathe and acknowledge them, drink some water, take a wall, listen to some music, call a friend to talk to. people are there for them and they are not alone. it’s normal for transgender people to feel like they hate parts of their body or feel like they were born wrong, that’s okay. Remember to appreciate themselves for what they can do and to remind themselves that they are valid. Self-love can be hard, but practicing compassion and acknowledging feelings knowing that the person is valid can be helpful.

     

    Hugs friend and blessings

    #410105
    Janus
    Participant

    Don’t fight the feelings, breathe and acknowledge them, drink some water, take a “walk”, listen to some music, call a friend to talk to. people are there for them and they are not alone. it’s normal for transgender people to feel like they hate parts of their body or feel like they were born wrong, that’s okay. Remember to appreciate themselves for what they can do and to remind themselves that they are valid. Self-love can be hard, but practicing compassion and acknowledging feelings knowing that the person is valid can be helpful.

    my typo said “take a wall” 😅

     

     

     

    #410114
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus:

    You shared that you enjoy building things, and… taking things apart and then putting them back together (it made me smile imagining you building things from Lego parts). I agree that some of the questions in the test should be worded differently, more specifically, so that when a person answers, they can feel confident about their answers.

    I sometimes tend to get distracted because I can’t sit still for a long time trying to figure out how the appliances connect together“- same here, and it is neither a feminine nor a masculine trait.

    But society tends to change with time“- most recently, when I heard on the news that the latest mid-term elections were a win to the lgbtq community, I thought of you and wondered if you were pleased!

    * axios . com/ midterm elections lgbtq candidates (Nov 11,2022): “Several LGBTQ Americans made history Tuesday night with election wins across the United States… Among them are Becca Balint (D), who will become the first out gay person and the first woman to represent Vermont in Congress, and New Hampshire’s James Rosener (D), the first out transgender man to win a state legislature race… Their wins come amid an increase in anti-LGBTQ legislation across the country, particularly bills targeting transgender rights and gender-affirming health care… For the first time in U.S. history, LGBTQ candidates ran for election in all 50 states and the District of Columbia this cycle… The 2022 midterms showed a significant growth in trans, nonbinary and gender non-conforming candidates as well as LGBTQ candidates of color…. There are currently two governors, two senators, nine members of Congress, 189 state legislators and 56 mayors who openly identify as LGBTQ, per LGBTQ Victory Fund.”

    I feel like transgender people are people who transcend the binary stereotypes of society… There’s no right way to be trans… I feel like transgender people get quite caught up in trying to be one way or another… Don’t fight the feelings“- when parents express gender-binary expectations to their child, such as for a girl to always act feminine or for a boy to …never act feminine, these are limiting expectations that cause much distress to girls who, for example, love climbing trees with the boys, and to boys who cry…  although trying hard to not cry ( the song “Big Boys Don’t Cry” comes to mind). The binary division of feminine and masculine when applied to people is indeed problematic and too often, very problematic. Thank you, Janus, for bringing all this to my attention and hugs and blessings back to you!

    anita

    #410134
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Building things out of clay is lots of fun too. I loved my ceramics class sophomore year of high school. I still have my bowl I made out of clay with a snowman’s face. I love painting more than coloring because painting on canvas is less restrictive than coloring and more relaxing 😌 I feel like when I look at a blank canvas, I can paint nature scenes, flamingos and have more options in mixing colors. Art and building things shouldn’t have a gender attached to them because they’re fun destress activities for people. I was quite excited to hear Zooey Zephyr, was elected into House of representatives for Montana and she’s the first transgender person in Montana. She believes in spreading awareness and love for lgbtq people. Not doing conversion therapy for gay people or lesbians because that’s harmful and traumatic and supporting trans rights.  There was an 18% increase for lgbtq people on November 8th ballot compared to 2020.  Democratic James Roesener is the first transgender male that got elected into New Hampshire house of representatives.

    I think that they might provide more awareness for the lgbtq community which is exciting.

    The binary gender stereotypes hurt people and limit them. Men who are taught to repress their emotions have high rates of depression and suicide rates. I feel like having mental health in schools, teaching meditation and crafts can help people express their emotions. Letting men express their emotions is helpful. Women are more likely to kill themselves than men, but men are more likely to die from suicide attempts because society doesn’t give men ability to be creative and express their emotions. So having mental health can help reduce suicides and improve mental health.

    I feel like for trans people they struggle to fit into society and sometimes they feel like they don’t belong which is why there 43% more likely to have suicide increases compared to other lgbtq people. But with more progressive people in legislature and some schools starting to incorporate psychology of gender courses and transgender support groups trans people are starting to gain more support in society. It’s important for trans people to know that not everyone will support them and that’s okay, there’s people out there for them and they deserve to be loved and appreciated regardless of what gender they identify as.

    also, men’s clothing sweatpants has better pockets and more waistline elastic band flexibility. I feel like clothing sometimes hurts people because women have skinny jeans and women tend to develop eating disorders more than men. The transgender community also has higher risk of eating disorders, eating disorders are common between ages 18-25.

    When shopping for clothes that align with their gender identity, trying things on when they can is helpful when picking clothes. Also, some transgender support groups have clothing drives that allow people to get clothes that can help then.

     

     

     

     

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