Aww are you dog sitting?! Dogs can be a great company! My dog is always around me when I’m down, it’s like they just sense it and want to look after you!

I’m going to try and make some plans for the weekend, maybe, I don’t know. In the meantime I’ve just settled for a bit of online shopping. I do not feel bad at all.

Shelby,

Its hard. You sound a lot like me, which is someone who tends to put others needs and wants before yours and even to an extent being able to accept those as more important whilst you settle for what you get.

I too feel rubbish this morning. I’ve not stopped thinking about him for a second this morning. Our exchange of conversations yesterday is playing on my mind. The fact that he reached out wanting to reconcile and I adamantly said no when my heart was screaming yes! I worry this is it. I worry there’s no going back from that. He won’t reach out today, we all know about men and their ego! He said yesterday ‘we can’t keep believing in what’s mean to be, it’s now or never’.. 🙁

I don’t even know what I’m doing half the time! I just know that contact between us brings me back to confusion zone where I can’t quite focus on being the strong minded individual who wants to recover from this, instead I just want to run straight back to him!

I’ve deleted the messages between us so I don’t keep reading over them and now I want them back. I don’t know why. Maybe as a reminder that once upon a time he did want things to work and I refused?! I honestly have no clue.

Im trying to take my own advice this morning and remember why we are in this situation in the first place. HE LEFT ME!! I must remember this. He then came back (out of panic I’m assuming) and I let him back in only for him to tell me that he feels he needs to be alone right now.

Im so hurt at the back and forth. My heart has truly had enough now!

Shelby,

And you’re right yet again! I KNOW you are. But then there’s my heart telling me I’ve messed it up now because I’ve actually stood my ground and refused to settle for less. And now I won’t even have the option to just settle and manage with the lack of what I want as long as I have him..

It is absolutely beyond me why rationally I can acknowledge I have done the wrong thing but emotionally I am so broken over my response to him! What the hell is actually going on! Emotions are really messed up!

I think the loss of your relationship has made you also loose some self esteem. Don’t forget, you are a wonderful woman and your ex fell in love with you for a reason! Probably because you are exactly all those things! Confident & outgoing! You’re just in a different place at the moment that’s all!

I hope your weekend pampering session and dinner with your sisters will remind you just how wonderful you really are all on your own! Also, I do recommend the gym. Although I’ve lost weight completely the unhealthy way (as I just couldn’t hold anything down for weeks on end so refused to eat all together) the weight loss itself has boosted my self esteem a little. I feel better in the things I wear and it was such an amazing feeling to fit into jeans I haven’t fit into for 4 years! I think it made my day!

In regards to self worth.. I think you and I both need to remind ourselves that our worth doesn’t depend on whether these men see it! We ARE worthy! I mean look at us! We’ve done everything and anything for these guys! Even as far as completely ignoring our own needs just so they can have theirs fulfilled! That’s so selfless!

And maybe one day, someone will come along who actually appreciates everything we do for them! I hope?

Shelby,

Its absolute okay to feel low! But you’re surviving!

Please remember that he too is struggling. He may not show it but he is. A perfect example of that is my ex at the moment. Normally, a totally closed book. When we originally split up although we remained in light contact it was very vague. He never ever ever spoke of his feelings. In fact, when I tried to open up a line of communication about feelings he’d say things like ‘don’t worry, you’ll find someone who makes you happy, you’ll get married and have a beautiful family’ and he would say it with such nonchalance I actually had to ask how it’s that easy for him! He literally carried himself like it was the best time of his life! Like his life was amazing and perfect and he was going out with his friends and buying new clothes and being the busy bee that he is! I was broken. And then he came back a month later and absolutely broke down like a baby in front of me about how much of a front he’s had to put up to even remotely cope! (It didn’t take us anywhere in the end yes) but the point is, they do struggle.

Men are just weird creatures. They’d rather pretend all is ok and never speak of it again whilst us women find forums with like minded people so we can drown our sorrows in journaling every single thought, feeling and emotion!

I can guarantee he is struggling just as much as you are.

I was at the wedding when the whole communication thing happened between the two of you so may have missed some key points here! What actually happened? Did he respond?

Ah okay.. so basically a meaningless conversation? What a shame. But yes, it does say a lot about where you are both at at the moment.

I think that I am going to stick to the no contact because I find I feel 100x worse after any contact at all, even if it is meaningless.

It is tough.. as I reached out to him today and now I am so angry at myself for it! He has absolutely messed with my head and I wish he never found a way to contact me in the first place! I am so upset with myself and at the situation in general.. this really does need to end now!

Shelby,

I too am feeling a little bit rubbish. If I’m honest, I caved into all sorts of temptation this evening and actually agreed to meet up with him.

The idea made sense to me at the time, and it still does to an extent. The popping up, the last few weeks everything has gotten too much. I have blocked him and he still found a way to contact me despite the fact that he is the reason why we are in this situation in the first place. My peace of mind (although I’ve been nowhere near peaceful, but surviving) has become so important to me, and I’ve acknowlegded that any kind of contact sets me back completely and it needed to stop. I needed to tell him face to face that this needs to stop. So I agreed to meet.

We went and had a quiet dinner where he attempted to explain what had changed in his mind in the last week or so and why the sudden urge to make things right right away. I sat and acknowledged everything he said and then it just clicked. I wasn’t the same person anymore. My heart still loves him very very deeply. Sure enough I’m going to be crying this one out for a long time still BUT my rational mind has won..

Where normally all the things he’d say would touch my heart, they didn’t this time. Even he himself was so shocked at my whole body language, responses and everything and mentioned that he can see he’s really pushed me over the finish line this time. He looked sad, and lost, and I know he tried to hide the tears in his eyes, it’s a shame I know him all to well. And normally, seeing him like that would break me and I would do anything in that instant to make him happy.. but I didn’t, not this time.

My head won Shelby. And quite frankly, I have no idea how to deal with that now. Because I am still very much hurting for this man so why am I just not going for it? Has enough damage really been done now? Does my rationale just know better?

He has asked that I take some time to think things through properly. He promised he will no longer bother me as he can see that clearly I don’t want to be contacted right and said that he would wait for me hoping to see me on the other end. He asked that if I choose to give things another shot that I contact him in the next few weeks, if I don’t reach out, that’ll be his answer.

To be honest, I can’t imagine reaching out to him for any reason other than a moment of weakness. Not meaning that it is because I want to give things another shot. I really don’t think I can. I would love to more than anything in the world but I know where this ends.. my gut feeling, my instinct and my mind are telling me this!

I’ve been so lost in this place of despair and hurt for so long I’m not quite sure what to even think of any of this. Is it possible that the battle between the mind & heart is finally over?! I honestly don’t know, because I can guarantee that I’ll be crying over the loss soon enough again!

Hi Shelby,

Try not to be so hard on yourself regarding progress or how far you should be into the healing process at the moment. Remember I said I felt that stigma now that I should be further than I am? But this is a personal and individual journey for each of us and you’re doing the best that you can and that’s an achievement in itself. When I look back on my journaling posts a month in and now, I can’t see much difference! The only difference probably is is that I write more with my rational mind rather than my heart..

I too wonder if my behaviour last night means that I’ve somewhat accepted the situation as it is? It sure doesn’t feel like this. When I think about this being the real ultimate end for us the idea makes me feel physically sick. But at the same time I’ve surprised myself & maybe in some way I have outgrown the idea of us being together also? I’m rationally thinking about all of the factors which lead to our relationship breaking and for the first time I actually honestly spoke to him about those in a hope that he’d say yes you’re right, I’m not ready and it’s holding you back, we shouldn’t try!

I feel uncomfortable in the situation as it has been flipped back to my corner where I am responsible for the ultimate decision.. it was much easier doing this when we both mutually agreed we weren’t getting along.

I love him sooooo much. That’s for sure. But can I be with him again? Can I literally risk it all again? I just don’t know..