Kkasxo,

I know I’m only a month over it, but it honestly feels like I’m getting worse. Last night, I genuinely thought I can’t cope with this, I’m going to end up on medication in a psyche unit somewhere. Today I’m a little more rational, and I guess I need to explore why I feel that way, when many people suffer painful heartbreak but don’t feel as though the world is about to end. It feels like I’m too sensitive a person to deal with this. The last time I experienced a severe anxiety episode I fear I only really recovered because I felt we would get back together one day. I can’t use that crutch this time I guess.

As for you, I think I know how you are feeling. I’ll explain what happened me, a few years ago after first break up, he contacted me two weeks after to meet up. You would have thought I’d be delighted, but I wasn’t. I had suffered too much of a trauma and my natural protective mechanism had kicked in. Fear I guess. I became sort of numb and felt like my rational brain had kicked in. Later it transpired that all my feelings came flowing back again, I was just processing. Always processing. Who knows what will happen for you over the next few weeks, but take each day as it comes. I know anita wrote to me in a previous response on this thread that the rational brain needs to just start working more consistently because during heartbreak it’s not so consistent. So maybe after 2 months, your rational side is gaining a little more ground in your conscious mind.

I hope you make it out ok and heal. I have high hopes for you actually. And if you get there, you might tell me how you did it. x

Kkasxo,

Thank you for saying that, because honestly it feels sometimes like I’m suffering worse than most normal people and that I am actually not physically or mentally able to deal with heartbreak and should never have risked it in the first place as I’m not strong like other people. It’s the most painful thing I’ve experienced and that’s saying something as I’ve already suffered loss in the past.

I think it’s completely normal that your rational brain doesn’t operate on full throttle during a breakup, the book you’re reading does indeed make it all seem more like it makes sense. As for the comment by my therapist, he did indeed say if I was in my 20s I would have given him more time, but he suspected that even if I gave him 10 years, he wouldn’t have changed and I’ve have wasted a lot more time and more heartache. For me however, it never seemed to bother me to ‘waste time’ as I still feel he was my shot at happiness and that I have no interest, nor will I find anyone I have the same or better connection with. So there’s my difficulty too, I can’t see much ahead which would entice me to move on.

You on the other hand are young, you strike me as kind, funny, smart, loving a determined! Even though I don’t know you, just what I’ve observed through communication. So I have a feeling that if you set your mind to it, you could eventually fall out of love with your ex and meet someone one day (if you wanted) who would love you beyond doubt.

Thanks for your advice this morning.

Kkasxo,

I wouldn’t mind if it genuinely did take time, but because I’m feeling worse, I’m getting scared of going back to a catatonic state or becoming a crazy cat lady that little children are afraid of! I joke, but not really!

Ok, so here’s the psychology I was given. My ex couldn’t give me more because it was not his to give. Circumstances in his life and the way he has made his way through life thus far have created the human he is today. I too believed that one day he would see the light and realise he needs to move on or he will be alone and regret it. But genuinely the world is full of men, who never ever come to that realisation. He wasn’t able. He tried, but something inside him stopped him and would always stop him, be it his inability to let go of the apron strings of his own family, his aversion to letting anyone hurt him, or whatever, that’s WHO he is. Yes people can change, but it takes A LOT of work and they have to realise they NEED to and then WANT to. I thought I was nearly at a point where my ex had said he would work on it and figure out the answers but he must have got freaked or something and bailed at the last minute, deciding he was ‘better off’ (easier and less frightening imo) on his own.

It takes work, usually with a professional to deconstruct behavioural patterns that hinder growth and fulfillment. I’ve been in therapy for quite some time now and I realise I have grown and gotten rid of some belief systems that were holding me back, but it took time and work. So my ex wasn’t willing to do that and in the end went so far as to go back on what he had earlier admitted and said that there was nothing actually wrong with him. I never thought there was anything ‘wrong’ with him, just things he needed to work on. That’s where the regret then steps in. Humans have remained at the top of the food chain for thousands of years because of our innate need to mate and create new life. It’s natural instinct. That comes out at some point in our life, if not now, later. So he may get to the end of his life and realise he didn’t live it fully. He may get to 50 and realise it and then perhaps go about seeking someone else to help him fulfill it, neither of which serves me right now.

I floated the idea of not getting what I want with my ex and settling for what is on offer with my therapist. He said that I DID try and ‘settle for what was on offer’ for almost 2 years after re-uniting the second time. He feels, it’s unlikely the relationship could be restored but even if it could, he suspects it would ultimately lead to mild to moderate depression down the road for me as I would have not actively sought what I ultimately need.

I don’t know if all that mumbo jumbo makes any sense, but I respect my therapist and his sensitivity and expertise and I just said I’d pass it on!

I do notice the rationale, but the cold light of day often does that to me. I feel not as horrendous at 3am but I definitely have not fully settled. My tummy is upset and I’m jittery.

I’m not saying your ex is not capable of it, I think anyone is capable of anything, but they really have to want to, they have to go into it with their eyes open knowing the amount of work they have to do. It’s like smoking, it takes real commitment and some tough days, but worth it in the end.

As for me, I’ve been thrown a curveball…on a day I’m already finding it tough. He sister just messaged me from abroad. Just a casual text, clearly not knowing anything or else, heard from the homefront that I’ve not been around lately and is sussing. I don’t know. My problem is i clicked on the message, so she can see it’s been read, darn, what do I do know. I kid you not when I say my ex is THE most private individual you’ll ever meet in your life. He didn’t tell anyone we split up the last time either. We were apart for months and people just figured it out themselves due to my lack of appearance.

I’m rattled a bit now.

@Kkasxo,

I used to think I got on really well with his sister, we had common ground. But then at a family event recently, I thought I saw another side to her and I wasn’t as sure. Anyway, I’m cautious, I don’t feel its my place or job to inform members of his family. It’s very awkward now. I’ll have to have a think about it.

Kkasxo,

She was just was thinking of me lately about something to do with the gym. The thing is, even if I told her, his family won’t ask questions. They know better. They will all just raise their eyebrows at each other in silence and no-one will address it because they know he’s not a sharer.

I’ll leave it for now and see how things are later, may reply when the time difference ensures I won’t get another reply.

Also, I hate hate hate that it gave me a little tug earlier that I’m not completely disconnected from his life, and that maybe not telling anyone is a good sign. That’s heart talking, not the rational brain I know. He could have had open heart surgery and that guy wouldn’t tell a soul.

How are you doing this afternoon?

S x

I would love to believe he doesn’t think it’s set in stone, but alas, that’s not the reason, he’s just private, he’ll never tell anyone and few months down the road someone might just casually mention me and he will shrug it off and won’t elaborate, that’s just him. He’s made a decision so he’ll stick to it.

I do think you need time. He won’t be long gone, if he believes your the one for him….doesn’t that seem more correct to say. If he would be gone, then he’s not as committed as he thinks.

You should go enjoy tonight as long as the alcohol and close proximity to him don’t cause any complications! 😉 At the end of the day, do you feel your best chance for a fulfilled and happy life is with this man. That’s what it comes down to I guess.

Youre braver than I, Im barely managing dinner with my sisters tonight. Eek. But has to be done I guess.

Kkasxo,

I would completely sacrifice too to be with him, if it would work out long term. But would you feel deep down it would always come to a fork in the road again because us humans tend to have our emotions seep out of us one way or another.

Have you asked yourself what you want? In life, like really want ultimately? With this man? Two years ago I thought all I wanted was him as a partner but as time went on I loved him more and whatever desires I had deep down came to the fore.

Do you just want progress or ultimately would you like a certain kind of life with this man? If so, can he give you that, or is he willing to give you that?

I’ll do my best tonight, but I’ll def be back on the forum here, I just know it! Thanks for the support!

S x