Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up
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October 28, 2018 at 1:38 pm #233899
AnonymousInactiveHi Kkasxo,
I assume generally so… but my ex-boyfriend (weird to call him that) had ADHD which was another factor which got in the way. He found it difficult to lay out plans, stick to promises and see a clear future. All he could do is dream and visualise success but had no idea how to get there. An ADHD mind is complicated and he never took responsibility for managing it.
I have seen that most men like to prolong their single lifestyle for as long as possible until it gets to a point where they feel they need to grow up. I think its in their biology. Women on the other hand are nuturers, we want to build a home/nest, we want security and safety from a partner. Men wish to dominate, leave a legacy and feel like settling down will get in the way of that. Thats my opinion anyway…
It scares me when I hear of so many others going through the same issue, I don’t want to lose faith. But at the same time I know of successful couples too and thats what I strive towards (if i ever meet someone again). I am not too bothered about meeting someone, the idea of opening up again to a stranger seems scary right now. I don’t need a partner, I didn’t plan to fall in love, which makes me feel silly for opening up in the first place with him.
How are you doing Kkasxo, do you have any contact with your ex? I read parts of the thread but I will go back to read the rest.
xxx
October 28, 2018 at 2:04 pm #233907
ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
I think men will always want to wait to the last minute to settle down, if they ever do. Women are somewhat on a timer, even if we don’t consciously acknowledge it. My ex said last night that he struggled with being in a relationship and that he had to give up too much. Give up what????He didn’t answer.
Even tonight, with pain threatening to overwhelm me and my advice to azu, what dya think I still want to do?! Yep, text him, to tell him how much he has hurt me. To tell him I’m not okay. What sort of messed up thinking does heartbreak cause?
I can never contact him again. It’s over. This is acknowledging it, not accepting I think. Is accepting when you feel better and move on?
I wish I could say I am strong azu, but I’m not. I’m barely surviving myself. My family & close friends have kept me going. I’m grateful for them. They’re a little disillusioned and worried about my setback now and I hope they don’t bail out on me because it’s all too much. Family is family though and I know they’re truly ride or die.
I find talking about the ins and outs of my ex & the conversation we had last night is not helpful at the min. Pushing it out of my mind as much as possible is the best thing to do. It didn’t hurt as much when he broke up with me as it did with that convo. So distraction is key again. Any activity that will generally use up a period of time in the day.
Kkasxo is better at this than me. I have lost who I am. I hope one day I find her again.
October 28, 2018 at 3:13 pm #233913AnonymousInactiveHi Shelbyville,
I am so sorry to hear you are in so much pain. And I hope none of my messages contributed to it further. Take your time to look after yourself. To be honest there are brief moments of relief when I forget about the situation and it’s like a breath of fresh air. I distract myself by watching funny clips I know I love on YouTube and thinking about my personal goals for the future.
I hope you can feel like you can accept it one day. Break ups suck so much, lean on your family as much as you can. Don’t worry about them judging you, you are human.
Maybe to give you an idea, here is a list of things that help me when I am heartbroken:
– lots and lots of crying (let it out)
– lots of showers (sometimes a few in the same day)
– googling ‘how to get over a breakup’
– hot bath with candles and Netflix
– cosy pyjamas and hot tea
– writing in my journal
– working on self-love – this is a hard one, mainly reaffirming my boundaries and needs. We all have a right to feel loved and have a healthy relationship. And we have the right to be with someone who can give us that.
I hope that helps. Sending you a big hug xxx
October 28, 2018 at 4:25 pm #233923
DizzyLizzyParticipantHi everyone, I hope you don’t mind me jumping into the conversation at this stage, but your experiences and feelings are absolutely what I feel right now and sadly it isn’t the first time. Over the last 10 years I’ve been in the same situations – break ups – 4 times, including most recently a few weeks ago. The fact its happened 4 times is embarrassing and I am ashamed to say that in ‘public’. Each was equally as devastating but somehow I’ve got through. Not saying the journey has got easier as each time it has happened the trauma from the previous has been brought up and hurts twice as much. It feels like someone has taken your body and crushed the life out of you. Slowly that crush lessens. sorry to not be positive but I just wanted to say I hear you and feel for you.
DL
October 28, 2018 at 10:19 pm #234183ShelbyvilleParticipantAzu,
Thanks for your kind words. Right now I’m trying to figure out why I’m taking it so badly. The relationship was not what I wanted it to be, so shouldn’t that give me some consolation.
I find as time goes on, it’s snowballing and the pain is increasing. I’m going to a counsellor so maybe we’ll figure that out.
DL,
I’m sorry you have had such bad experiences. Do you feel you dealt with each break up or perhaps the hurt from each one moved onto the next one and next thing you have a truckload to deal with?
You day it doesn’t crush you as much after a while. Is that true? How did you manage?
October 29, 2018 at 1:26 am #234191ShelbyvilleParticipantHi all,
So I’ve been awake since 5am. I don’t think I feel anxiety as such , I just feel pain. Well I don’t know if it’s pain but that’s what I think it is.
I’m ready to feel better now, this is not nice. We’re 5.5 wks broken up but why do I now feel that I’m only 2 days broken up since our phonecall.
The frame of reference for the breakup changed after the phonecall too. I thought I knew what was happening, the reasons behind it, that he would be struggling with his decision but he’s looking to the future and that hurt. The fact that he said I can always call him about anything, he’ll answer anything he can really hurt. Because for him to be that calm, that casual means he’s doing way better. He’s moving on.
So basically, I have to accept it because I cannot stay like this. Anyone from early days break up know what to do to survive? Without the tiny Buddha community I’d be lost.
I want to one day just not go to bed with pain and wake up with pain.
October 29, 2018 at 3:04 am #234195AnonymousInactiveHi Shelbyville,
I am sorry to hear that you feel like you’ve gone backwards. I think no matter how much someone tells you to not contact him, sometimes you’ll do it because you aren’t ready to let go. And it’s painful to know the other person is moving on. I could say it’s a possibility that he wasn’t putting on a front for you, but that’s not helpful for you, because that would again give you hope.
I am on day 3 of the break up and surprisingly I am feeling good. Maybe I am not one to take advice from since I was the ‘dumper’. But I tell you, it still hurts and I feel the loss either way. My way of coping is to keep busy, I am on my way to work and I think that helps. And I refuse to contact my ex because I am afraid of exactly the same reaction you had. I don’t want to hear that he is doing great three days after the breakup. Please remember that one day you may hear of his success, his marriage etc. and you will feel nothing! It is possible. Now it feels like the worst thing ever but you will get there one day and you’ll be glad that you got over it. Happiness is waiting for you, ask yourself what you deserve. Do you deserve to be miserable, waiting for someone else to enable your life? Or do you deserve a healthy relationship which allows you to be the best version of yourself?
Xxx
October 29, 2018 at 3:05 am #234197AnonymousInactiveSorry I meant *was putting on a front
October 29, 2018 at 3:15 am #234199
KkasxoParticipantShelby,
You sound like you’re slowly but surely getting to the point which I am at right now. The i’m tired of this now, c’mon lets keep this moving! And that is a good sign!
Your contact did indeed set you back in your recovery but we’re only human and these things happen so don’t be too hard on yourself! Lesson learnt!
Try to not think too much about what your ex might be feeling right now or how he’s coping with things – I know this one is tough but it’ll only make you feel worse!
Ladies! We really got this! Keep reminding yourself of this a hundred times a day if need be! We cannot and will not give into this feeling of confusion, loss and hurt. We WILL see better days!
Rational mind is well and truly on this morning for me!
October 29, 2018 at 3:36 am #234201AnonymousInactiveAmen to that…
I chose love over logic for a long time and got me nowhere!
I hope you girls feel better soon 🙂 just take one day at a time.
sending you lots of strength to get through today.
October 29, 2018 at 4:29 am #234209ShelbyvilleParticipantThanks so much for the lift ladies, you really are a lifeline. Today I’m not going to make the same mistake as yesterday staying home alone. I’m going to try and organise things and yes, it’s exhausting and I don’t feel like living life at the moment. But I’ll do it, if it’ll help.
The biggest source of my pain at the moment is considering what he’s doing, the parts of his life I am no longer a part of etc. So if I can nip that in the bud, maybe I can reduce the pain somewhat. I felt so stupid for setting myself back yesterday by contacting him the day before. Having said that, the only silver lining, of there is one, is that I was clearly in a fair amount of denial about the whole thing, the reasons, what he might now be feeling etc. So I guess that phonecall caused immense pain but is this rock bottom? Do I finally start the healing process now?
Azu you sound so strong. I wish I was like that. I do remember I was not as bad the first couple of wks, but it went downhill from there. But I don’t want my life to be like this and as my sister said to me, it’s only me who can pull myself out of this. I have to take the necessary measures to feel better (if that’s even possible), so I’m willing to do whatever is necessary. I really am.
There is no point looking back always at the closed door, it’s increasing my suffering.
Kkasxo,
Do you think you’re at saturation point now? Are you think you just want to move on with your life?
S x
October 29, 2018 at 4:45 am #234215AnonymousInactiveHi Shelbyville,
Well done for staying positive, and the intention to get better is a huge step in itself.
I would ask one thing though – are you loving yourself? Sounds to me that you care for him so much, which is undeniable, but what are your needs? Really listen to the thoughts you tell yourself. Are you saying things like ‘this was my last shot at happiness? I am never going to find such a unique connection with someone again’, ‘nobody will love me enough as much as he did’, ‘our connection was unique and one of a kind’…? I know it feels like you lost someone special, which you did, but every other person in this world is also unique and special, and any future relationships will also be unique and special in their own way. The difference will be that you will grow and learn what wasn’t right in this relationship, to find out what you do want from a partner.
Thank you for saying that I am strong – I do feel strong today but I also have moments of weakness where I am overwhelmed with emotion (loss, grief, loneliness, sadness, guilt) but I allow myself to feel them before I get back to taking care of myself. It is not selfish to set boundaries for yourself. Being with someone who respects those boundaries is the only type of person I will allow myself to fall in love with.
I would advise to be busy (glad to hear you have things planned today) and also do some self-reflection. Not on the relationship, but just you.
Like Kkasxo said, its time to get moving! No looking back, just forward to a future with endless opportunities. As long as you are still breathing, it is never too late to start your life. I love the saying ‘Today is the first day of the rest of your life’.
xxxx
October 29, 2018 at 4:53 am #234219ShelbyvilleParticipantAzu,
i can honestly say I’m not loving myself. I have no idea what that means or how to go about it. We’ve touched on it a few times in the thread previously but I don’t have a clue. My therapist I can start by tackling the self criticism when it kicks in. So I’ll do that.
Unforunately I don’t see myself being in another relationship. However at this point I would settle for being happy by myself. Anything but what I’m experiencing at the moment. If I could feel content by myself but no pain, I’d be happy with that.
You have an amazing perspective. Well done, you are clearly a strong, confident person. Even the fact you ended the relationship which wasn’t enough for you, I kept going for years trying to be patient and hoping it would change!
Thanks for the posts, I really appreciate all the advice and kindness.
October 29, 2018 at 4:59 am #234223AnonymousInactiveShelbyville,
Thanks for the response. Its great that you have a therapist, are you able to see him/her more often during this critical stage?
Its difficult to see far into the future when you are in so much pain, so I understand completely that you just want the pain to stop. But I truly believe that loving yourself is the first and most crucial step. I always found that loving myself always seems to put things in perspective.
There are core beliefs and values that are so ingrained that they become our identity, stemming from our childhood. I am not a therapist, but I would urge you to explore these core beliefs with your therapist.
You are a wonderful person who was patient and loving to your partner, fay beyond what was necessary. Wouldn’t you like to give yourself some of that amazing love?
xxx
October 29, 2018 at 7:20 am #234259ShelbyvilleParticipantAzu,
Yes I’ve been regularly attending therapy. It’s definitely important. A family member has pointed out to me today though that perhaps I need to stop analysing everything so much and just get on with things.
I feel so down, it’s hard to lift my mood. But what is the best way to deal with pain? Is it to fake it till you make? Keep doing normal things and having normal conversations with people until they don’t seem forced?
I feel so drained all the time.
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