Kkasxo,

You’re right of course. I don’t seem to be able to accept that yet, as in, I must be clinging on to hope that I won’t have to do rubbish things in the future without him. At some point. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t bother doing anything at all.

Work was a reason for getting up in the morning but yesterday my boss, who has as much empathy as a stone, made me quite upset, which has never ever happened me in a professional capacity before. So now I feel a bit uneasy about work too.

I hope you manage to get through today, let the battle continue!

S x

I got through another day. It feels like an endless battle, honestly it’s exhausting.

I hope any of you struggling managed to make it to days end in one piece.

S x

Kkasxo,

This is NOT the end of the world, though it may feel that way right now. It’s pain. Pure pain from loss. It was not shameful in any way to contact him yesterday, you are human and loving with a heart that feels. You do the best you can on a day to day basis and you are doing your best. Nobody should ever underestimate the willpower and effort it takes to merely exist when we feel like this.

After my incident at work on Tuesday….ALL i wanted to do was contact my ex, who always supported me in that sense (albeit not in many other probably more important ways). It’s natural and remember, it’s withdrawal and addiction, your own heart and irrational brain are pretty strong forces and you did your best.

WELL DONE on going to work…do you realise how many other people might not have managed to do that at all? You’ve more grit and strength that you give yourself credit for. Yes you feel like death, hey….you might even look like death….and you might have a very unproductive day, but you made it. You made it, it didn’t beat you this morning.

It’s heartbreaking and my heart genuinely goes out to you. I can’t really comment on what is right or wrong because I feel only two people really know what goes on in a relationship, no matter how many friends and family are informed. However, I would be lost without my therapist. An it’s expensive, I get anxiety even wondering how to work out how I’ll pay for my sessions, but my family have been really good and my counsellor also is providing me with the odd free session too as he understands when people are in emotional crisis, they just need care.

Are there any other counselling services you could look into as I feel it’s now that you need the intensive help, the first three months after a trauma are probably the most difficult. Have you looked into other options for a counsellor or service, there has to be someone you could see that wouldn’t keep you waiting 3 months. It’s time for you to look after yourself now and that seems to mean, moving away from the distress of the breakup.

Post as often as you like.

S x

Kkasxo,

Yes I completely understand. It IS the end of the world as you know it last night and today. I’m so very sorry for that. Nobody deserves to experience this pain. It’s not fair. It’s tough, but it has happened and we have to survive. Even if that surviving simply means not getting dressed and living in pyjamas for 3 weeks, eating only enough food to sustain you, it’s still survival. And survive we must. Even if we don’t want to and don’t see the point. Because those closest to me assure me, it will not always feel this way. It will not always hurt and burn.While I don’t trust myself, I do trust them and my therapist. So on the chance that they are correct, I have to survive now to get to that place and you will too. You will. Broken into pieces, but you will continue to breathe and exist until the pain gives you a reprieve.

It definitely has to be you who saves yourself. I want my ex to make me feel better, but I guess when we’re thinking rationally we know that it’s never a right relationship when one party is relying on the other to make them feel better. Our happiness lies in someone else’s hands, which is not the right way in life and too much weight to put on someone else too. I try to turn it around and imagine if someone’s happiness was solely my responsibility, their ability to function is based on what I do…..that’s definitely not a weight I could bear or sustain, despite having heart that always tries to help others when I can.

You’re in the eye of the storm now and it’s black, but I’ll tell you now what others tell me. You WILL get out of this. Not easily and not quickly, but you will and we have to keep hoping for that moment in the future. I would not be able to remotely see this were it not for my support network and therapist. Sometimes we need a light to guide us out, because this is completely outside our familiarity or expertise.

I’m great a dishing out the advice, but hopeless at applying it to myself, so don’t think I’m any better, we’re all just trying to survive! As my therapist says…’At times like these, survival is an achievement’. xx

Kkasxo,

I actually spoke to family last night about the same thing you have just mentioned. I explained that I’m drained and exhausted just ‘doing things’ for the sake of doing them. They acknowledged that yes, it is indeed draining and seems pointless but it does serve a purpose. By doing the mundane things every day that don’t give us joy but literally pass durations of time, it means that we can survive – albeit not happily – but we can survive and function. And that’s the difference between giving up and hoping for the future.

I completely agree with you, my life too has no meaning at the moment. My relationship gave it meaning. I organised my weeks around my relationship and now that is gone and I’m bereft. I don’t know how to just ‘be’ without him with me in a relationship. It’s shit (pardon the language!) and soul destroying, but what other options do we have. We can’t switch off our feelings of heartbreak.

It is NOT shameful to be struggling now, it only happened and not even fully until last night. A significant relationship that doesn’t work out can take its toll on a broken hearted person for at least a year…..a couple of weeks, where no formal ending of contact was made is nothing. You are exactly where is normal. You have experienced a devastating loss, it is grief and it has turned your world upside down. If you lost your partner to death people would be more understanding but in many ways psychologically it is no different.This person is gone from you, the life you thought you would have with them is gone. It’s very tragic for you and the least I would wish for you is for you to understand that – you have suffered a major loss, breathe…you deserve to be devastated and upset. It might not suit people who are not as sensitive or who keep a tighter rein on emotions, but that doesn’t mean their way is better. Emotion is latin and essentially means outward. Emotions are meant to be expressed outwards and that’s all we can do right now.

Keep doing the mundane things, they are so empty…yes I hear ya. But they have to continue to be done. Someone who breaks their leg might not feel like going to the rehab centre every day and putting themselves through their paces to get the leg back to full strength by boring, hard and tedious exercises but they still have to do it if they want their leg to mend. We too have to function on an every day basis, for the most part, until our hearts mend. But it won’t be fixed tomorrow. So just get through today. x

Kkasxo,

This is true. I’m not going to write down here that things will eventually feel joyful and you’ll actually enjoy being on your own so much more down the road…I have no clue because I’ve never been through this before! I’m pretty sure I’m going to miss everything about my ex for quite some time, I genuinely loved and enjoyed doing things with him. So basically it’s crap now!

I hope you’re managing to get through work ok. I’m doing the same, work is distracting me at the moment, cos there are so many problems here to sort, that I don’t have time to sort the ones in my head!

But I miss everything, genuinely. Everything, even the not so great. I guess it’s normal, but I don’t know if I will ever accept that it’s over, so in the meantime, I’ll just have to fake it!

Just keep swimming…..